Shot through the heart, and you’re to blame, you give love a bad name. I played my part, and you played your game—

When you’re in love with your best friend, life gets infinitely more complicated.

Neither of them are in this to ruin each other. Neither of them want to ruin each other. Neither of them are playing. And that is the problem. When you’re in love with your best friend, you just don’t say that you are. The rules were set out from the very beginning, an unspoken agreement. There is love, and there is longing.

There will always be longing.

There is longing when she reaches for you. There is longing when her long fingers curl around the bony ridges of your elbow. There is longing in each and every touch you make. There is longing for normalcy, for an escape from their lives, to leave the mould that they’ve been cast into and just be something else, be them. There is a longing to say that yes, they love each other. That they love each other more than they should.

It’s ridiculously difficult.

Sometimes, she wishes that she had never come to Seoul. Sometimes, she wishes that her love and feelings and all these tangled up emotions did not exist, and everything would be a lot simpler and a lot less painful. There would be fewer complications, fewer complicated emotions that she’d bury underneath the guise of laughter and dating other boys. Or as she has come to accept her uality, to sleep with other girls. All the boys and girls in her life that aren’t her are simply meaningless flings of the wind, to pass the time and to temporary tape something over that yawning yearn that eats her up from her very marrows.

With her, it’s difficult. She feels complete around her, but complete in the sense that a hollowed void was filled with something great, but in the sense that she’s never stretched or hugged enough or filled properly – there’s always something missing.

She doesn’t really know what she’s getting at.

She doesn’t even know how it all began. When did she start loving her so? When did this ceaseless want begin? Does it ever end? Or is it a chasm she’s doomed to never cross?

It was okay, in the beginning. They found each other when they were both lonely, bound themselves to each other and stuck by each other through the thick and the thin. She hugged Tiffany as Tiffany cried over the hate comments they received. She comforted Stephanie as Stephanie cried after being her dad begged her to come back over a phone call. She clung to Miyoung when Miyoung cried way back in 2008, when Miyoung was told that her grandfather had died and she railed against herself for not being there. They were merely friends then, best friends who stood by each other and faced the world together. They wiped tears from each other’s faces, and when they stood together, it felt as if they were invincible, an impregnable wall wherein no words could knock them down.

Then something shifted and somehow, Tiffany/Stephanie/Miyoung became gravity, became what grounded her to this Earth. Without her, she’d be adrift, a floating and empty balloon that’s flung through space.

Tiffany, Tiffany, a name she started to whisper underneath her covers in the middle of the night, in the middle of her sleep. Tiffany, Tiffany, a name that rang in her head as Taeyeon spent the nights out on drives around the neighbourhood or on longer trips back home to her family in Jeonju. Tiffany, Tiffany, a name that echoed in her head even as she willed it away when she kissed her temporary objects of affection.

What had caused this shift?

Taeyeon doesn’t know. She’s spent a lot of time mulling this particular question, especially on nights that she couldn't sleep. Hell, she's losing precious sleep over this question even during their promotional periods, and everyone knows that they don't get nearly enough rest during the promotional periods. But it’s always her by her side when the bone-aching weariness seeps into her, and she thinks that because she’s come to rely on her so much, she’s put a part of herself into the other girl. That’s… probably not a good thing.

Where does she begin and end? Where do they begin and end? How much of her has she surrendered to Tiffany? She’s lonely. Tiffany’s often out nowadays. It’s lonely. When Tiffany does come back to the dorm, Taeyeon pretends to be asleep. On days that Tiffany comes home early, Taeyeon doesn’t say anything overly personal to her. She’s terrified that the words she longs to say to Tiffany might slip out. She’s terrified that she’d scare Tiffany away. She knows that it’s highly unlikely that anything she does will send Tiffany scurrying away to America, or something, but laying her heart bare in front of Tiffany is not exactly on top of her list of priorities.

She’s not sure if it all started because of the wants and wishes of thousands of people. Over the years, she’s come to realise that hundreds, or thousands, or whatever the number is, of people would rejoice at the idea of Taeyeon and Tiffany. She doesn’t know if her subconscious approved of the idea. She doesn’t know if their closeness, the way they maintained it over the years despite the tiffs they’ve had, was in response to what everyone wanted.

In Korea, as an idol, you’re a slave to public opinion and fandom capriciousness. Okay, capriciousness isn’t the correct term, given that their fans have been cheering them on since they debuted, so that’s unfair of her to think of them that way. But she can’t help it. There are tons of little things that she does, and doesn’t do, because of what people think. Public hate, public love.

She’s stopped swearing like a sailor to build SNSD’s clean, spick and span image as the nation’s girl-next-door group. Whenever she appears in public, she tries to maintain a cover of constant cheeriness, although she recognises that her efforts have been declining in recent years but oh, hey, it’s not as if she hasn’t tried to appear like she’s the happiest sparkle in the room. She doesn’t know if she’d ever try smoking, since smoke ruins voices and lungs and causes cancer –and Juhyun will rage if she does – and no she doesn’t want that, but if she ever did, she knows that if a single picture ever gets leaked to the media, she’d receive a flood of hate.

Taeyeon. Taeyeon and Tiffany. Everyone wants them together. Their fans ship the other members together often, but Taeny is a head and shoulder above the rest.

It helps little that their company instructed their mangers to tell them to up their public affection for each other, knowing that fans would eat it all up. It helps little that when Taeyeon sees the glee in the eyes of their fans, she’s extremely pleased that people love the idea of them. It helps little that when Tiffany leans in towards her, Taeyeon’s heart stutters a little.

The first time it happened, Taeyeon was too tired to think about it. It was just a simple little clench of her heart as they settled into a hotel, after a long flight. Tiffany came to her room to borrow her Vitamin C serum because she left hers back in their dorms. Taeyeon had gotten up and passed her the bottle, and she had blinked when Tiffany leaned in for a hug and felt that curious flutter against her ribcage. Tiffany had for her owlish eyes. She didn’t give much thought to it and bid her best friend goodbye before she finished her own skincare routine and slumped onto her bed, drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

The next time it happened, Taeyeon and Tiffany had been a little drunk. Honestly, there was nothing to it. They made some lewd comment, and Tiffany had been the one who brushed her lips against her jawline, giggling as she did so. They said something stupid that she can’t remember about it. Her breath had caught.

Then there were those little touches for fan-service. Then of course, they still hugged each other, warmly, closely, as wont of friends. Then Tiffany tickles her for the fun of it. Then Tiffany pushes her over and leans over her and smacks her with a pillow when they play around. Then Tiffany plays with Taeyeon’s hair, her beautiful fingers carding through Taeyeon’s Actual Hair + Extensions.

It’s all been absolutely maddening.

Her heart can’t possibly take this torture.                      

*****

“So, a little bird told me that—”

Taeyeon looks up and huffs, “Fany, please. We’re not watching Game of Thrones here.”

“—you’ve been really friendly with one of the trainees recently.”

Taeyeon raises her brow at that. “Yeah. The hoobaes are nice to hang out with.”

“You know what I’m talking about. Who, for that matter. Unless… you’re doing it with more of them?”

Taeyeon shakes her head. “Just her,” she confirms. “You already know anyway. Why bother checking up with me?”

“Because I’m concerned, Tae—”

A scoff. “For me, or the girl in question?”

Neither of them say a word for the longest time before Tiffany finally gives in and says, “The girl, mainly.”

She raises her brow again. “She’s old enough.”

“Old enough to know better? , Tae, she’s freshly out of the cradle! You’re crossing some line here, messing around with those kids—”

“Hey, she’s not a kid,” Taeyeon interjects.

“—who barely know what they want! Okay, yes, they are really, really set on debuting, and God, Tae, stop exploiting them!”

“It’s not exactly my fault that they’re naïve.”

“Well? If they are, you’re not meant to be an about it! Stop sleeping with the hoobaes who think currying your favour will help propel themselves towards well, a debut. Stop that. I mean it.”

Taeyeon sighs. “They’re just passing fancies. You know that.”

“Exactly. They can’t be just that. They can’t be that.”

“Tiffany. Look at me,” Taeyeon implores. burns with something and she doesn’t want to name. She doesn’t ever want to say it.

Tiffany complies, her eyes dark and angry.

Taeyeon’s annoyance dissipates slightly as she stares into those depthless pools, and she knows that if they are to argue, those eyes will disarm her and she’ll lose very quickly. “Fany-ah, you know that I don’t… do anything bad to those kids that I sleep with. It’s… perfectly normal for people… like us…. to do this?” Her voice trails off as a scowl appears on Tiffany’s face. “Yeppunie, don’t let a frown mar your face. Really. I won’t ruin their futures or anything. Don’t worry too much.”

Tiffany makes a noise, halfway between a scoff and a groan. “You just don’t get it, do you?” She gets up and walks away.

*****

She walks on a tightrope, treading a precarious line, playing a dangerous game.

She hadn’t intended for it to be this way, but it this monster she/they unleashed has simply morphed and grown and evolved and now it’s all terrifying and heart-hammering and altogether a terrible being.

She does it for fun. This, she tells herself. This, she tells herself each time as she moves her fingers towards Taeyeon, to let her fingers cradle the pale cheekbones in her hands. This, she tells herself as she grazes her hand across Taeyeon’s collarbone and each time, she lets her gaze focus on the steady rise and fall of Taeyeon’s chest. She tells herself that she does not hope to see a pause in Taeyeon’s breath, to hear a sudden inhale. She tells herself that she’s not disappointed when Taeyeon’s completely unaffected when she rubs circles across the other girl’s skin.

She does it for fun.

Masochistic torture, probably.

It isn’t fun when well, she just wants to draw some reaction from Taeyeon. Something, something, and the girl doesn’t seem to give two damns about the entire thing. Or a single bloody damn.

Tiffany ups the ante sometimes. There are certain things that she does to Taeyeon when she pretends she’s drunk too much, and alcohol is a decent enough excuse for a lot of things, although she knows very well that as a rule, few people will do things inebriated that they don’t already want to do sober. She doesn’t want to kiss Sooyoung senseless even when she’s drunk. Hell, the thought of it makes her want to wash her tongue. It simply made no sense to.

Ah, so when did wanting to kiss Taeyeon start to make sense?

She doesn’t know.

This scares her. 

*****

Taeyeon’s voice is harsh as she snaps, “Where have you been?”

Tiffany glances at her, removing her heels as casually as she can. “Out with Bora—”

“—And the guys,” Taeyeon finishes for her, sighing. “Look, you’re perfectly grown up and responsible but after what happened last year, everyone’s just waiting for you to slip up. Something to truly cast you into—”

“The entire country’s already convinced that I’m single-handedly responsible for defacing the Gyeongbok Palace, kidnapping and ing the comfort women, and starving Korea anyway,” she lists off her imagined crimes as she struggles with a buckle on her shoe before giving up, lowering herself to the ground to continue working on it. “I don’t know if I can make the country hate me more.” That mistake was costly.

“Well, show them how much of Korean history you’ve been studying. That’ll probably help,” Taeyeon offers. “But that’s not the point. My point is that you’re coming home at 2 am and giving them more ammunition. Tiffany—”

“Shut it Tae,” Tiffany’s remark comes out harsher than she intended it to. “I can handle myself.”

“Oh?” Tiffany doesn’t need to look up to know that Taeyeon has raised her brows. “Really? Well, okay then. Forgive me if I was just concerned.” Taeyeon doesn’t say anything more and Tiffany hears her stalk back into her room, her footsteps heavy. She finally gets the clasp in the buckle free just as Taeyeon’s door slams with a resounding bang.

“Yah!” She yells as she scrambles to her feet and throws Taeyeon’s door open. “What the hell? Are you mad at me now, Tae?”

Taeyeon just lies on her bed. “You won’t go away if I say that I’m not, right.” She doesn’t even bother to make it sound like a question. “But yes, I am mad. We’ve got our 10^th anniversary coming right up. I’ve just… got back from wherever I’ve been. I’ve been careful when I go out nowadays. Whatever. And you? You just…” Taeyeon throws her hands up. “Dating rumours. I don’t care to know if they’re true, but if you’re not telling me anything I cannot assume anything and if you’re not telling me anything and you’re with him I’ll simply be very mad with you if I have to find out from someone else…”

Taeyeon in a breath, finally stopping, albeit somewhat mid-sentence. “You know just as well as I that people will smear your name. People don’t really care about SNSD dating nowadays, but it’s you. They will say that you’re just… out being a loose American or some other . Loose and American.” Taeyeon growls a little at the very thought. "I mean, them, but..."

“You don’t have to worry about me Tae,” Tiffany repeats. “You don’t.” She moves up to Taeyeon and sits beside her. Their chests cease to heave, their breathing slows.

Taeyeon sighs as she gets up from her prone position, moving to sit beside Tiffany. Her legs kick at the carpet. “I know I don’t. But we’ve been worrying about each other for more than ten years. I can’t exactly stop now.” Taeyeon’s smile is wry.

There’s something she’s not saying. Tiffany knows that Taeyeon can tell that Tiffany knows that she’s holding something back. It’s all so circular and confusing, but at this point in their lives they’re so intuitively connected to each other nowadays that it’s terribly hard to hide something from each other. Still, Tiffany wishes that she doesn’t have to hide this one thing that she wishes Taeyeon knew, but that could spell the absolute end of their friendship.

She doesn’t want to risk it.

*****

All games must come to an end.

In the gaming industry, a world far away from the entertainment world (or maybe it was closer than they had thought,) all stories were written with some form of conclusion. The audience would throw a fit if there wasn’t.

If only they are half as lucky,

Their own world is full of lingering gazes, unanswered questions, unsatisfactory answers, painful lies, a flood of cover ups, and the cold dread of waiting without end.

They will continue smiling at each other. They will take selcas, wear bright grins as they pose for the camera in their best angles, for their fans. They will continue to pretend that there’s absolutely nothing wrong between them, that everything’s perfectly fine, that sharing the same air doesn’t hurt.  

(Is it still waiting if there’s no end?)