TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSIVE THOUGHTS AND IMPLICATIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Sungjin felt the hot sun beat down on his neck. His legs were heavy and tired, he was only just moving forwards. He couldn’t remember how he ended up here, walking down this endless road. Days might have passed. Or perhaps years. He didn’t know anything anymore. The only thing he knew how to do was place one foot in front of the other and continue. Nothing ever changed here, the road continued on and Sungjin continued on with it. He noticed no trees, no animals, nothing but himself, struggling ever on-wards. He had a glimmer in his heart that he would be able to stop one day, to rest his aching feet, to take shelter from the ferocious heat of the sun. One day. Someday.

It was Someday when his monotonous world was interrupted. The sun was just as fierce, the road was the same old flat stretch reaching away over the horizon, but there was now something in his way. It was a boy, a man, somewhere between. He was sitting the tray of a red truck, legs swinging childishly over the back. Sungjin’s steps faltered and for the first time in his memory, he stopped. He almost fell with the lack of movement; it was so jarring to his system that he stumbled and fell against the back of the truck beside the other human. With reverence he ran his hands over the shining red paint, the metal was cool and soothing against his burnt skin. He looked up at the boy in the truck. He was greeted with a smile, a smile that shone childish innocence and happiness. Sungjin felt his face change, it was unnatural to him to smile. How long had it been since he smiled? People didn’t smile on this road. People merely existed.

“What are you doing here?” Sungjin asked, his voice hushed and husky from never being used.

“I was stuck. But now you’ve found me, I think we’ll be OK,” The boy replied, kicking his legs again and patting the tray of the pick-up.

“I don’t understand. This place never had other people in it before,” Sungjin now eyed the boy with suspicion, he was wary for a trick. Every now and then the unchanging world would trick him, or he would trick himself. He would stumble and crash against the burning bitumen, left to drag himself back to his feet and keep moving forwards, injured and bleeding from his grazes.

“Of course it did,” The boy smiled, pulling his legs into the tray and crossing them in a lotus position. “You’ve just never noticed before. But I noticed, and I was waiting. Now we’re together, everything is OK.”

Sungjin considered his words carefully. He looked around him and felt a strange shifting sensation. Something in the world was changing. There, he could feel it against his tortured skin: a cool breeze. It smelt like the earth after a fierce storm. It was fresh and calming.

“What’s your name?” Sungjin finally replied.

“Dowoon. You know how to drive right? Because I think I’ll leave that part up to you.”

“I…” Sungjin paused, he looked down at his hands still laying on the cool metal, “I can drive. I want to drive.”

“Good. Because we’re not there yet,” Dowoon nodded, eyes crinkling shut as he grinned in happiness.

“Then let’s go,” Sungjin moved again. His legs were still heavy, his skin still burnt from the bright sun, he was scarred and battered but now moving seemed a little easier. Now he chose to move. He climbed into the cab of the truck, noticing Dowoon lay down comfortably in the tray through his mirror. He turned the key and felt the vehicle rumble to life beneath him. It was cool and shaded in the cab, but it was also suffocating. He rolled down the windows to feel the cool breeze mix with the harsh heat. Part of him never wanted to forget that blazing heat. He wanted to remember, to appreciate, just how comfortable he was now.

He slipped the truck into gear and they rolled down the road.

Jae was waiting, and walking. He was compelled to continue walking as he waited. He hated that. He wanted to stop, he begged himself to stop. To just lay down and let the world swallow him. But his body wouldn’t listen, it simply shrugged the guitar on his back a little higher and continued walking down the road. He also hated that he was carrying this guitar.

He had tried to rid himself of it so many times. He would take it from his back, stretch it out before him with arms that quivered from the weight. He would hold it there, at arms length and will himself to just let go. Drop it. Leave it on the ground. Leave it behind as he continued on alone. He never did it. He couldn’t do it. Because then he would be completely alone. Being alone was something that truly scared Jae. He would sigh and hold the guitar close to his chest, as though apologising to it, before swinging it back onto his aching back and continuing his walking.

He hated this place. It was too bright. Every small detail of the world could be seen clearly. Every fault and fear was illuminated and over-saturated. They were inescapable. Everywhere he looked he found more and more wrong with this place. With himself.

Despite that Jae never gave up walking and waiting. Waiting and walking. He knew it couldn’t be forever here. He still hoped it wouldn’t be forever here. It was why he carried his guitar with him. It was why, when a shining red pick-up passed him, he stuck out his thumb to try and flag them down. He felt a cool breeze roll over him as the truck passed. He watched with a tingling hope as they slowed and stopped a little way down the road. He chased them down, fighting against the fatigue in every part of his body as he ran the last few metres to sanctuary.

The man in the cab smiled and waved him up into the back. There was a deep knowing in his eyes as he did, and Jae felt himself smile. His heart brimmed over with the smile, he wasn’t alone anymore. He tossed his guitar up, letting it go for the first time since he could remember being here. He climbed up after it. In the tray he found a boy, napping peacefully. Jae gave a shy wave and smiled again.

“Hi,” the boy in the tray said.

“Hello,” Jae replied, feeling a sense of peace fill him. He knew he wouldn’t be alone forever.

Wonpil was lost. He hated himself. How does one get lost on a straight road in broad daylight?

He was sitting in the gutter, lost and hating himself. He couldn’t remember the way he had come from. To get home surely he would have to go back the way he came. He couldn’t keep going forwards. It hurt too much to go on. He was too tired. Too lost. Too useless. He had sat down in the gutter to wait for death.

The sun was burning him, pulling the life from him agonisingly slowly. He wished for a cloud to cover the sky, he wished for a tree to shade him, he wished it would all just stop. He knew it would soon, that was why he had taken a place in the gutter rather than try to find his way. He had finally given up on moving forward, on trying to make it to the horizon, on finding someone else to help him. Wonpil was lost. Lost in the world and lost to the world.

He hardly even noticed when a cool breeze began sweeping over his skin. He was so close to disappearing he didn’t even hear the hum of an engine until there was a red truck in front of his eyes. A skinny man sat on the back and the person in the cab was waving him over eagerly. Wonpil simply stared. He was confused. Who were these people? What were they doing here? Didn’t they know he couldn’t go on any more? Didn’t they know he was useless and lost? Didn’t they know he was better off left here to die?

Still they waved to him, beckoning him over. The man in the tray even stood and reached out a hand to him. His face was open and bright. A brightness that was so different to the relentless sun in this place. Wonpil found he could stand again, he reached out and took that hand. With more than a little effort they dragged him into the truck.

The air was cooler up here, and another figure sat in the tray that Wonpil hadn’t noticed before. The kid tossed him a bottle and Wonpil realised just how desperate he was for water. He gulped it down, spilling it over his chin as he did. The man across from him snorted and let out a loud peal of laughter. Wonpil stared at him in amazement. He had forgotten what laughter sounded like. He had forgotten what laughter felt like as it bubbled up out of his stomach and through his mouth. He smiled and turned his face into the breeze as the truck sped down the road. Wonpil was glad someone else was driving, it meant he wasn’t lost anymore.

Brian knew he belonged here. He had come to that realisation long ago. Long ago, when he could still feel the pain in his legs and the tear in his heart. When he could still feel the burn of the sun and the heat through his shoes. He didn’t feel anything anymore. He just kept walking because that’s what you did here.

He had been here so long he had forgotten what it was like to be anywhere else. To Brian the sun was meant to be endlessly shining with harsh heat, there was only a straight, long road with no end. There was no other way to live than this agonising place. No other existence than constant walking, with a heavy weight on his shoulders, beneath an oppressive sun.

So when a truck pulls alongside him, four smiling men waving and calling, Brian doesn’t respond. He doesn’t belong with them. He belongs here. He waves them on down the road as he keeps plodding forwards on his own two feet. He is certain that they don’t belong here. Strangely, he begins to actually feel something; he hopes they make it. To the place that isn’t here. He hopes for them. He has no hope left for himself.

Sungjin’s smile has faded. He can still feel the burn of the sun against his arm that rests on the open window. He still feels the cool breeze wash through the cab as they drive. Yet his smile fades. His thoughts are burdened by the man they had left behind. The dead look in his eyes as he waved them on down the road. Sungjin feels a horrible sinking feeling in his heart. They have made a mistake. Perhaps he has been tricked, fully and completely. Sungjin is probably laying, dying on that scorching road, hallucinating that he has found salvation.

As this thought passes through his mind the truck splutters, lets out a long screeching wail and dies. They roll to a stop on the side of the deserted road. Sungjin wants to cry. He beats his hands against the steering wheel and lets out a yell. Slowly, he climbs out of the cabin to pop the hood and examine what went wrong.

As he bends over the engine he feels the familiar burn of the sun on his neck. He has no relief from the breeze anymore. Sungjin wonders if he should just begin walking, isn’t that what you do here? He looks on down the road, it’s rippling and rolling with the heat. Dowoon appears beside him, a worried look on his boyish face. Sungjin looks back.

“Can we fix it?” Sungjin asks Dowoon. After all, this is Dowoon’s truck.

“I hope so,” Dowoon mumbles, scratching his head, “I hope so.”

Brian has spent the last while of his walking preoccupied. He finds it strange and uncomfortable. He has lived so long without thinking that this niggling hope and fear is like a rock in his shoe. Every step is pained now, every step the pebble has shifted and it jabs a new part of him.

Did they make it? Could they make it? Where will they go? What will it be like when they get there?

He is still moving forward when in the distance he notices a blip to the horizon. A smear of red against the blinding sky. His head tilts in confusion and the pebble in his mind jabs him a little harder. It takes Brian a while to find them, he can only move at one pace here. He is too much a part of the world to move any faster or slower. When he approaches the passengers all greet him with downcast faces, waving him on to the front of the truck. Brian continues to find the driver bent over the engine, tears standing in his kind eyes. He looks up at Brian; a face full of innocent confusion.

The prodding sensation overwhelms everything else and Brian comes to a stop. He feels as though the world is still whirring past him at the constant pace he has always had. He wants to be sick. It’s so uncomfortable to stop. It’s disgusting to him to stay here in this horrible feeling, this horrible place of almost there. With people that he knows can make it. He wants to wretch. He wants to run from it.

But if he runs they really will have no hope of making it. Brian knows he can fight this to help them. He doesn’t hope to help himself but he can help them. He opens his hand for the wrench and sets to work. At least while he’s working a cool breeze stirs his hair and soothes him.

With the repairs done the group load back into the pick-up. They all stare at Brian, hope in their open faces. Brian gives a painful smile and waves them on. He belongs here.

After a last, longing, look they pull back onto the road and continue on. When the last of the tail wind dies the world rushes back in to greet Brian.

Brian remembers.

He almost dies with the pain of it. The sun is a thousand times harsher now. He can feel his feet blister and burn through his shoes. He remembers he’s carrying a heavy guitar on his back, his shoulders strain and torment him. Brian remembers that he doesn’t belong here. He remembers that he doesn’t come from this place, he’s trapped in this place. And Brian remembers that he desperately wants to escape.

With tears streaming from his eyes he chases after the truck. He chases after the only place he does belong. His body screams, his legs are jelly, his chest burns as he heaves for breath, his vision blurs with tears and exhaustion. It’s now or never.

The truck slows. The men in the back cheer. Brian tosses up his guitar and climbs into the cool sanctuary of the cab. Sungjin beams at him, taking a moment to clasp Brian’s hand before he puts the truck back in gear and they set off once more.

Brian closes his eyes and lets the wind flow over his face. He can hear the happy chatter of the people in the back and Sungjin’s soft humming beside him. He can feel the sun on his face, but its a warm glow now. The light of the world seems to be shifting. From the tray he hears an excited cry.

“Look!” One of them yells. Brian opens his eyes slowly, his tears have cleared now.

“It’s beautiful.” Sungjin’s eyes are wide as he takes in the sky.

“I thought I’d never see it,” Brian admits, more to himself than to the driver.

The horizon is painted in reds, pinks and purples. A sunset stretches as far as they can see. The five of them gaze in amazement as the sun finally sets and their world begins to change.

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A/N: Ok, so, I watched the Hi Hello MV and I felt really moved. It reminded me of my journey through university when I was living with depression. As I struggled on through all of my horrible mental states I collected people. People that helped me, people that picked me up and dusted me off when I thought it was better to just stop. People that were actually struggling just like me. We all pulled one another on, we made it through together. When I watched Hi Hello it felt like watching a metaphorical description of that part of my life and I wanted to put it into words.

I hope you enjoy it. Leave a comment if you want.

And remember that it feels so heavy now; it feels like walking through syrup, up a hill, against a strong wind. People try to describe it as a darkness but a sapping heat leaving you burnt out and broken seems more accurate to me. I'm here to promise you: It's not forever. I struggled for almost 4 years against it and I won. You can too. Maybe you think I'm special, but you are too. We all are. And you can do it, just keep fighting, keep talking, keep asking for help, call people, call hotlines, see counsellors, fight for it. Because when you make it to the other side everything feels so much lighter. And you will be so happy you will cry.

Much love xx