It Would Have Been

Jae

The traces of you are all over the flat.

Your favourite pink sweater with that cute little emoji on the front that you’ve always wanted to see on me. The half-open bottle of your smoky night nail polish that you’ve once used to paint my own nails in secret while I was asleep. The bookmark that you’ve made with your own hands using heart-shaped beads and purple ribbons. The frames that you’ve purchased a week ago, so that we can put our pictures somewhere and not between the pages of your favourite books or between the listening tasks for my English classes. The sweet little messages on the fridge that we’ve left for each other saying plain old I love yous or the funnier ones like I know you’ve said that I shouldn’t eat the last cookie but the temptation was too much. The leftovers of your delicious mapo tofu that you’ve made last night because you know it’s my favourite and I had a pretty rough day and you just wanted to cheer me up. The jokes that I’ve told you and that you jotted down every single time, collecting them in a notebook because you said that you would like to save them for later.

Your pink toothbrush that you bought in a package along with a blue one, so that we can use it as a couple thing. The pictures of you and me that you’ve taken with your polaroid camera and which was my birthday present for you the year before because you’ve always been interested in photography but you never had a decent camera. The keychain with a Kumamon figure on it that you bought for me last Christmas and that I’ve always wanted to put my hands on because that was the only missing piece from my collection. All the essays that you’ve written for my English classes because I kept them all in a folder, organised and neat just like their owner. All the tests that you’ve taken during my classes, so that I can see your handwriting over and over again and start missing your handwriting more and more. Your lovely letter after you had got the results of your CAE exam, thanking me because you had passed and it meant that you had the chance to apply for a scholarship in the UK.

Your phone number that you’ve written down on a piece of paper, your handwriting’s a mess but that’s okay because you were in a hurry and I was after another difficult lesson. The pencil on my desk that I gave yo