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It's normal, he says to himself, it's ok, breathing is hard, sleeping does not exist, but he is happy.

He. Is. Happy.

He isn't happy.

He fakes his happiness so hard he forgot what actual happiness feels like.

He looks to his bandmates and they look happy, but are they? Can they be?

He isn't, they are all in the same boat so they can't be, they just can't...but they are.

Well, not all but most, some have taken control of their happiness others actually enjoy the brutality that comes with being idols.

He just smiles and trudges along. The years are passing and he doesn't understand where the finish line is, or what it can be.

Maybe he will be a song writer, a composer? A lyricist? Or maybe just fade away from the industry and become just another business man, or the other possibility he just joins Highlight in creating his own company?

He might want that, but he isn't really sure, so he leaves it in the back burner to simmer into nothing.

It's 4:45 am. He is awake thinking, well trying to not think, in a little bit there will be noises from his phone as his alarm goes off. Another day another fake smile.

Is all this really what he wants?

A small ping and the phone lights up, it's not the time for his alarm, so it's someone else, who’s up at this godforsaken hour texting him?

“Stop thinking so hard, I can hear you all away over here” it reads, and then his phone slips and falls on his face. It hurts, it always hurts when that happens, they feel so light on your hand but it's like Thor's hammer when it hits the bridge of your nose.

He lets out a small snort! Feels like that was his hyungs way of smacking him in the face, a punishment delivered by divinity across town.

“It's what I do” he types out quickly and sends it back. A small ping from his phone and he has a response.

“It’s not always healthy. You should be sleeping.” he reads.

“Same goes for you.”

He hits send and pulls the covers tighter around him, the phone starts its usual ringtone for his alarm and he turns it off, turning to his side buried neck deep in his comforter he smiles as he sees the smiley face with the tongue sticking out from his hyung.

After a lot of debating he can't come up with anything to respond with so he just turns off the screen, his hyung will understand.

Breathing he inches deeper into the covers, breathes in and out and then he is out with a flurry, can't dally forever, his hyung is up, he should be too.

45 minutes later and he is showered and dressed waiting to be picked up, it’s not long, he is out and waiting as the car pulls up, his hyungs are already in and more asleep than awake.

Strapping himself in on the left side the car takes off and he is staring out the window, the minutes spent awake during allocated sleep time catching up to him and the lull of the city barely waking up puts him in a hypnotic state and he is asleep.

There is a smell of water and chlorine that surrounds him and he is confused and there is slow bobbing and suddenly there is light and blurry forms.

“Pyo, hey...Wakey Wakey” he hears murmured softly, there is this bright light concentrating like a star and a couple of blinks later he realizes it’s Taeils glasses reflecting the rising sun outside.

“M..up” he tries to say with his cottonmouth, and Taeil smiles and rolls his eyes, “yeah you are” he mumbles and pushes outside the car while Pyo unbuckles his seat belt and pulls the jacket tighter around him, it's cold out.

He looks around himself, they are outside their makeup studio, he tries to wreck his brain to remember what they had on the schedule today, but after a while, it blends in, and it's pointless to remember.

He feels a tug and Taeil hyung is pulling him along.

“Photoshoot today,” he says like he knows that's what Pyo was thinking about.

He wonders what Taeil is thinking about, fish probably.

“You check on the fish today?” he opts for saying as they step inside. Taeil just nods his head in acknowledgment.

“You smell a bit like sea water, in case you were wondering why I asked,” he says. Taeil didn’t, but Pyo thinks he might have wanted to know. Their friendship is odd in a way they speak slow and sometimes without words so it works.

He is pulled to his chair and he closes his eyes as the makeup and hair people start working and he falls asleep again.

Before he even knows it Zico hyung is shaking him awake and he is in the car once more.

The scenery is pretty the whole city is awake by now, people going to work and kids going to school, and generally living.

He is envious.

They stop at a place he probably has passed a thousand times before but never thought of it much, and he is right, a couple of years ago he was obsessed with this stupid particular fried chicken that apparently is only 4 stores down.

There are cordi people waiting with jackets, their camera equipment is already set up and there are people everywhere it feels like.

Someone pulls him and suddenly he is being handed clothes and on instinct, he is pulling his own clothes off and putting on the new ones, the small startled ‘oh’ pulls him to the present, and there is Taeil, eyebrow raised and a smirk.

“Hi,” he says, he just smiles and shoos him slightly, joining him in the makeshift dressing room. Basically, four poles and drapes.

He is finishing his top as Taeil is pulling his top off, and the tattoos are stark against his pale skin and for a moment he is struck.

There are lines, pictures, stories, and he wants to touch, he almost reaches to, it’s not something new, every member at one point has touched them, but somehow this feels odd, and that stops him.

So, he pulls his hand back and makes a noise as he is pushing the drape away, leaving Taeil to finish up.

He is barely out and someone is already on him, a brush is shoved in his face, and he is so used to it, so so used it, but at that moment he feels like he is suffocating.

Pyo is doing his best leaning against a wall that has seen better days, lights shining in his eyes and flashes going off, the fan that is completely unnecessary keeps blowing next to him and he takes it all in stride.

He. is. Happy. This is his dream.

He isn’t happy. He doesn’t know if it’s really his dream anymore, or if it is but is so warped that is barely recognizable.

He is shuffled off to the side with the rest of the people as someone else takes his place, and he just goes with the flow.

There really isn't anything to else to do, so he spaces out, someone pokes him, says something and bursts out laughing and he is following suit, just being loud and laughing but really, he isn't sure why.

He feels jaded.

Sitting down on a vacated chair a bit further away from the boisterous laughter and the hand cameras he pulls out his phone, there is a amount of notifications.

Someone tagged him in something.

He clicks and sees its Taeil hyung and him from a couple of months back, on Instagram, there are thousands of likes and comments and he just flips up thru them, not really looking.

“We looked cute there...my eyes looked especially big.” he hears as Taeil takes a seat next to him and shuffles closer that his body warmth seeps inside Pyo. A hug that isn't really there. He takes it.

“Your eyes are big always,” he hears himself say as he pulls up the picture again and stares. He is smiling in it, he doesn't remember it much.

“You were kinda spacy that day, like today,” Taeil says as he types away on his phone. It's scary how good Taeil can read his mind, most of the time it helps, like today when he can't function and needs a constant translator, but other days, other days where his thought stray to the dark corners, he is scared of what Taeil might see.

“I didn't sleep much,” He says as an excuse and to fill the quiet that suddenly surrounds them.

“Yeah, I know, I could hear you thinking across town, I texted you that I believe.”

Pyo chooses to ignore that comment.

“Are you happy hyung?” he chooses to ask instead, he doesn't know why the words fall out of his mouth and he is suddenly scared of the answer.

Taeil, for the most part, looks up from his phone and is looking straight at him, in his eyes, unblinking, and Pyo wishes magic was real so that he could turn back time.

“Are you?” he hears instead out of Taeil pink lip gloss stained lips, Taeil bites the corner like he always does when he is nervous, and suddenly Pyo is overcome with the need to just push in.

“I'm not sure” he hears himself say, and he is still looking at Taeils lips, focused like a starving man in front of a buffet.

Taeil his lips, and bites the inside of his lower lip and slowly lets out a breath, Pyo feels like a creeper but they've lived together and they've seen each other and probably done god knows what together when they partied so staring at Taeils lips feels less and less awkward by the minute, instead it feels normal.

“It’s hard sometimes to remember what it means to be happy,” he hears Taeil say, and for once he looks up from his lips and into those eyes, framed by glasses that make his hyung look so much more vulnerable than he really is.

“But I think that's because the definition changes over time, happy is just content I think.” and clearly Taeil had put a lot more thought into it than his usual answers. He is actually trying to be a hyung.

Pyo turns from him and just leans back in his seat.

“Are you content then?” He hears himself say, today is not a good day for him to be around people, can't keep his mouth and thoughts in check.

“Yes, it's hard but I am” he hears Taeil say, Pyo just nods, Taeil never asks him the question back. They are quiet together just enjoying the moment of breathing room.

Suddenly they are being called for a group shot and the smile is plastered on his face, the flashes are going off, people yelling this and that and his mask is on.

The day passes much the same way, too many people, to many questions too much smiling. He is in the car head leaning against the window, it's late. So, late.

They pull up to their old dorms as the others get off he feels himself also leave the car. He gets a strange look from the manager.

“I’m staying here tonight,” he hears himself say, he isn't sure when he made that decision, but now it's out there and he can't take it back.

He feels a hand on his back and his being led toward the building, salt water surrounds him and everyone is smiling at him.

It’s party time he hears someone say, and everyone is giggling on the elevator, all hyped by his decision to spend the night with them.

He does not feel like partying.

There really isn't any party.

By the time the showering and eating is done everyone is barely keeping their heads up. He is sitting in the living room alone, he is exhausted but can't sleep.

“You want some,” he hears and Taeil is there sitting down eating a snack.

Pyo shakes his head and falls back on the couch away from Taeil.

“Suit yourself.” he hears his hyung mumble, crunching away at whatever he is eating, the lights had long been turned off and it's just the tv on mute giving off the light.

BTOB is on tv, being their usual selves, Pyo looks on in envy. The tv is on mute but he can practically hear the boisterous and loud laughter from them.

They look like they are having fun, not just pretending, he knows pretending he does it 80% of the time when he is on shows. He wonders how they did it.

“They actually look like they are enjoying themselves,” Taeil says, again voicing Pyo’s thoughts, “Seriously, not even acting.”

He makes an agreement noise.

“Wanna talk about whatever is eating at you?” and Taeil is suddenly on him. His hyung isn't the touchiest member, in fact, he keeps to himself most of the time, it's why Pyo is always on him.

“I'm not sure what you mean.” he says instead as Taeil just lays back to his front and eats the snacks, his head is under Pyos chin the smell of the shampoo completely overriding the sea salt smell of the fishes.

“Right, well whatever it is, just tell me whatever decision you make, I don't want to hear it from the net.” his hyung says and shimmies into Pyos body, makes himself comfortable, Pyo just wraps his arms around the small frame and buries his face in the hair.

The tv plays on and the occasional crunch as Taeil eats his snack is the only thing making noise and he feels himself slowly drift off.

There is snickering in the morning as he tries to get his bearings, he is falling asleep on random things always so the discomfort in his back isn't anything new, he feels warm though and that's different.

He opens his eyes slowly and notices Kyung hovering over him, his bowl of cereal in one hand.

“You guys look comfy,” whispers and then Pyo realizes why he feels warm and comfy, Taeil is still in his arms, in fact, he is currently playing big spoon to his hyungs little spoon.

He wants to blush but really what's the point, so he just rolls his eyes, the past night was the best night of sleep he's had in a while, so who cares if the others giggle at them.

“Morning” he opts out instead. Taeil moves and digs himself further in when Pyo greets Kyung but otherwise shows no signs of waking up.

“So, our schedules for the day don't start until after 2 today and it's just me and you,” Kyung is saying sitting on the coffee table across from Pyo, he nods his head, at Kyungs words. “It’s like 9 am right now,” he says when he sees him look for the clock.

He thinks about it then just burrows deeper and pulls Taeil closer to him. He can afford to nap an extra hour or so.

The next time he wakes up is to Taeil wiggling in his arms, he opens his eyes and his hyung is looks like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar.

“Sorry, I gotta pee,” he says to him and Pyo loosens his arms and Taeil scoots out, Kyung isn't in the living room anymore and he can hear rummaging behind him in the kitchen, the door to the bathroom closes and he is staring at the ceiling.

“What’s up?” he hears and looks to the left, Jae is in there drinking coffee and looking at him expectantly. He makes a noise non-committal sound as he hears the faucet in the bathroom start.

Taeil is brushing his teeth, guess it's time to wake up.

“Coffee then?” He hears, they've been doing this dance number so long, everyone one but Zico knows when not to pry, well Zico and Kyung. It comes with Zico being leader and Kyung being Kyung.

The coffee mug is placed in the space Kyung had been an hour or so ago just as Taeil opens the bathroom door.

“Coffee, for me? Thank you,” He heard Taeil tease, Jae, as the younger one splutters at him motioning to Pyo.

“It's ok, have at it, need to brush teeth and pee, we got any spare toothbrushes lying around?” He hears himself mumble, his already deep voice sounds like Batman gurgling rocks.

“Top shelf,” he hears Kyung say coming out of the room, phone in hand, he takes a seat on the now vacated couch, he feels slightly bad that he took that space, but the nice deep sleep was worth it.

He is feeling more awake and rested by the time he leaves the bathroom, everyone is already in their respective spots talking in hushed voices and in Jae's case reading something on his tablet.

“Any coffee left over?” He asks and Jae nods and makes to stand up and get it but Pyo just motions for him to sit down and goes to the kitchen, pulling out a yellow mug with little bees buzzing about, probably a fan gift, he fills it with coffee and dumps about 3 spoons full of sugar in before moving to the living area.

Taeil scoots a bit to the side to make room for him and he takes advantage of it, he knows any other time he would be on the floor not practically plastered to Taeil but his hyung is trying to make him feel better without prying, which says a lot.

Their band isn't much for space, they are all about blowing at once and then having a cooling period for a few hours and then they are all back to normal.

They are adjusting for him, he feels bad, it's their space he is intruding in but he honestly doesn't even know where to start, so he lets them take care of him in the best way they know.

“So, are you two doing it now then?” Kyung says, and Taeil gives him a withering look while Pyo tries to not choke on his first coffee sip, Jae, on the other hand, is pretending he is super engrossed in whatever is on the iPad but the fact that his eyes are looking toward them tells a different story.

“No! The hell?!” he says looking at Kyung like he has lost his mind.

“Wha? I am not saying anything, I was just gonna ask how you kept it so quiet. Like really no judgment just curiosity.” he says like they are talking about buying shoes and not you know, what they are actually talking about.

“Regardless, what makes you think we would even tell you?” He hears Taeil rebuttal and Pyo is not really all in his right mind to deal with this conversation let alone freaking Taeils innuendo there. Jae has given up all pretense now and is just staring wide-eyed and taking it all in.

“Well that is rude,” Kyung says offended, and Pyo really wants to be part of the conversation but he is scared, because this is leading toward the usual road of meaningless flirtations and stupid jokes, and he isn’t really in a state of mind to just play pretend.

“What exactly do we have on the schedule today?” Instead, he cuts off Taeil who was ready to fight Kyung on the whole rudeness aspect. Everyone turns their eyes on him but they don't say anything, they take the change in topic in stride and he appreciates them for it.

“Well, we have to go to the studio and then I think you have some show you have to record for,” Kyung says and Taeil just leans back a bit into Pyo, he smells of seawater again.

“You check on the fish already today?” He says before he can stop himself, Taeil nods at him and he ignores the looks the other two share with each other as he sips his coffee.

He pretends that him making statements and questions concerning the fish is just another thing he just does, instead of the obvious.

“How did you know,” Taeil says looking at him, and he swallows the coffee in his mouth. “Do I really smell that much like seawater?” he asks and smells his own shirt, no sweater on this morning, his tattoos are out and proud, and again Pyo is hypnotized by them.

“No, not a lot but we are sitting really close,” he says absentmindedly.

Taeil makes a noise of agreement and they are all quiet.

It’s uncomfortable. He can tell, in the way Kyung is sitting there and not going a mile a minute about something inane, and Jae being completely stiff. Taeil is being normal that is, itself, abnormal.

He hates himself a bit for this.

“I promise, it’s nothing you guys have done.” he says instead when even he just can't take the odd atmosphere.

Kyung opens his mouth to say something but closes it right back.

“I just need to get my head and thoughts in order I think.” He is saying, trying to explain to them something he can't even quite understand.

“It’s ok,” He hears Taeil say, “As long as you aren't hurting or shutting us out, you are good.” He wants to kiss him and hug him and just bury himself in Taeil. So, he does that, just buries his face in between where his neck and shoulder meet, his hyung doesn't even flinch.

“Well, now that we have ‘talked’ about this” Kyung says making quotes around ‘talking’ because they really didn't talk about it. “I am thinking I will rock that one black shirt Zico had on the other day, don't tell him.” and he is off toward the bedroom.

No one asks him why that shirt is even in the dorms considering Zico hasn't been living here for a while.

Pyo wants to ask. It feels like maybe it might help. He does not ask, it's not the same, Kyung and Zico are oddly normal by being abnormal. It .

Jae is off as well, murmuring something about a game and suddenly they are alone again, except last night it was dark and now, now it's bright and sunny and Pyo doesn't know what to do.

Taeil should have moved off of him as soon as Kyung had left, but nope, he was plastered to his person.

“Jihoona, is it me?” Taeil says suddenly and Pyo is caught off guard.

“Is what you?” He says instead and pulls back a little to look at Taeil who moves a bit back and is looking straight into his eyes.

“Why you are being extra strange.” Taeil is always straight forward, it's what makes him such a good hyung.

“No,” he says a breath too late because Taeil is suddenly squared off and staring at him like he is trying to figure him out like he has never seen Pyo before, sizing him up. It's unnerving.

“No, hyung it's not you,” he says it more firmly this time, with more conviction, but he is lying and he knows this and so does Taeil.

This is not how the day was supposed to be going.

“Why?” Taeil asks always direct.

“I’m not sure, I mean, no?” and he is basically answering the question with a bunch of nonsense questions as well. How is he supposed to do this?

Two feet away are Kyung and Jaeho who could walk out any minute for any reason at all, and Taeil and him arguing or whatever is a good reason as any.

“You aren't making sense; did I do something? Was it something I did at the photo shoot yesterday?” Taeil asks, Pyo can answer this question easy.

“No, it wasn't” and he is honest, it wasn't and Taeil pulls back a little, he always could read him the best.

“Then what is it? You seem to be okish until I get brought up, is it last night? sleeping here? Because I didn't do it on purpose you fell asleep and wouldn't let go, and I didn't want to wake you.” he says.

“No,” He responds, because what else is he supposed to say? He isn't lying, and again Taeil isn't looking at him like he is a stranger anymore but more like a bad puzzle he needs to solve.

“You’ve done nothing hyung, I swear,” he says with more conviction that he feels, but he ed up because he rarely calls Taeil hyung, only when he is mad or annoyed or trying to make a point and Taeil knows this, knows this and it's why he looks up sharply. He ed up. He ed up so bad.

“Fine,” Taeil says and just up and leaves. Pyo really should call him back and explain, he really should, but he doesn't and suddenly he is all alone in the living room.

A few minutes pass and he is still sitting there, he can leave, he can just up and leave get a ride back to his place, shower and then just meet Kyung at their destination. It's a great idea, this is a problem for another time, another place, a time when he has this whole mess figured out.

His body has other ideas and he is helpless as his feet take him to the same place Taeil had run off to.

He does not bother knocking just slowly opens the door, Taeil is on his bed, knees bent writing on this notebook, Pyo can hear the music thru the headphones.

Taeil doesn't even bother looking up as Kyung who is two feet away looks between the two and gets up, no words needed and leaves, now there is low music and deafening silence. Pyo has no idea what to do.

He is standing there and Taeil is sitting just a few feet away, again without even thinking he moves in and sits on the bed, Taeil still ignores him, the music is louder now, and he can faintly make out a rhythm from a song they had started to work on months ago.

After a minute or so, he reaches out and grabs Taeils ankle, his hand wraps completely around it, it’s warm he notices.

His hyung finally looks up and just raises an eyebrow.

Pyo just stares at him, the music is still playing. He takes a deep breath and opens his mouth but nothing comes out so he just closes it and keeps hold of the ankle, Taeil just goes back to his work. This is majority ed up. He ed up so bad.

He leans over and just headbutts his hyungs knees, and closes his eyes, he honestly doesn’t know what to do, so he just waits, he can do that.

Wait.

It's eating at him, but he can wait.

Minutes pass, occasional pen scribble and shifting from Taeil but nothing else, and he is slowly falling into a lulled sleep, and then the foot he has been holding onto like a lifeline is pulled back, he jerks and looks up to see Taeil looking at him, headphones off.

“Pyo,” he says and freaking Pyo is not happy, he really ed it up. It’s never Pyo with Taeil it's always Ji-hoon, unless he s up, which he did.

“Hyung,” he cuts off Taeil instead, “I didn’t mean you did something, or like it’s your fault,” he is saying as he is crawling on the bed and toward his hyung whose, eyebrows are up and, looking at him.

“It’s just like I am not sure what is happening, I mean you are perfect, and you know this, I've told you this before, so like it’s more of a me problem.” He is saying and his eyes haven’t once left Taeils who is just listening to Pyo ramble on.

“So please don't be mad at me, I mean you can, I can’t tell you what to feel, but it's not you.” He finishes.

Taeil’s shoulders sag a bit, and it feels a little less tense, and Pyo feels a bit better, the hand that's wrapped around his heart squeezing for dear life, has loosened a bit.

“Ok,” Taeil says and Pyo breathes out slowly, and he feels so much better, “Then, what's wrong with me and you?” Taeil asks instead and all the ease he just felt gets right out and he is back in the mine field.

“What? Nothing, I just said it was nothing,” He jumps to say, and at this point, he is face to face with Taeil, their breath is mingling and his hands are flat on the back of the bed.

He has crowded his hyung and somehow, he feels like he is being threatened instead.

“But there is an issue with you that involves me?” Taeil says and he feels the breath across his lips and he can see the brown individual flakes in the other's eyes, he feels hot and scared and a swirl of everything.

He opens his mouth to deny it, he really really is ed up, he thinks because his mind is screaming DENY DENY DENY! explain that you are sleep deprived make up an excuse! anything, but his body, his body is betraying him because he is leaning in closer instead, no words are coming out of his mouth.

He leans his forehead on Taeils, who is waiting on him, patiently.

“You know, from my perspective it just looks like you two are making out.” he hears Kyung say and he feels like a bucket of cold water has been tossed his way.

“Which far be it from me to stop, but I thought you were ‘fighting’.” He says the word fighting in a way that Pyo can feel the quotes around it.

He moves back off of Taeil and toward the edge of the bed.

“Whatever. Pyo, manager hyung wants to know if you need anything from your place, otherwise he is coming here within the hour.” Pyo just nods his head in acknowledgment and stretches out his hand, Kyung hands over the phone and moves out of the room. Pyo follows, leaving Taeil and their situation in the room as the door closes behind him.

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