Wendy looked at her through the one-way glass. It was not a sight she wished to see at all. Her girlfriend lying there with some kind of machine connected to her to make sure that her heart was still breathing and that she’s still beating . Basically, keeping her alive.

She doesn’t have much time left, Seungwan…

Irene’s mother’s voice replayed in her head and it’s not even what she wants to think about right now.

The doctors said it’s best if we let her go now…than say our goodbyes when she’s—

­Wendy closed her eyes and took a deep breath then opened her eyes again to look at her again. It made her heart ache more because she knows what the doctors’ said were true but she still can’t accept it.

Irene’s been in that state for over a year and a half now and she hasn’t shown any improvements nor has she woken up at all after the surgery.

It all happened so suddenly. Wendy wondered why Irene hasn’t arrived from work yet that night because whenever she came home, Irene would usually already there before her. That night was different, Irene didn’t even text her that she’ll be late. She had a bad feeling about it.

Hello?

Hello, is this Son Seungwan?

Yes, it is. Who’s speaking?

I’m sorry Miss Son, but…but-

The next words by the guy on the phone didn’t make sense to her but she didn’t think twice about it and just headed to the hospital the guy told her.

Wendy sighed for the nth time that day. Having her girlfriend’s mother telling her it’s better to let Irene go now before it’s all too late wasn’t her best way of starting the day but it’s not like she could’ve avoided it.

It was inevitable, with how Irene has been for the past year and a half. They were keeping her alive, only prolonging not just Irene’s but everyone’s agony. But Wendy still wished it would come years later and not now.

She sighed. It’s inevitable

She mustered up all her strength and entered the room and settled on the chair just beside Irene’s bed. The chair Irene’s parents sat on each for a very long time that Wendy didn’t even bother to time it yesterday and now she can’t believe it’s her turn.

It’s unfair.

She sat there and just looked at Irene, how she tired she looked even if she’s only been sleeping all this time and how thin she was now.

Wendy was choking up. She can’t do this. She doesn’t want to. But does she have a choice? When Irene’s parents have already made it for her?

She took a deep breath and cleared afterwards. “Um, hi.” She tried, and like many other times she talked to Irene at this state, there was no response.

She pursed her lips and nodded. “So, I guess here I go, huh?” She sighed and then finally started;

“One September night back in 2015, I called you out of the blue because I couldn’t think of anyone else to call at that moment. You must’ve been confused seeing your phone screen light up because of a call from me given the time and that we haven’t really seen each other despite being best friends from high school who went to the same university.”

She paused and looked at Irene and imagined how the other girl always whined that Wendy followed her there and not as Wendy claimed that they planned it. She chuckled a little. “Okay, fine, I followed you to the same university because you were some years ahead of me and I wanted to be with you even in my college years. So, yea, whatever. Happy?”

She looked at Irene, she could only imagine her smirking at Wendy finally admitting it and maybe a punch on her arm to while she’s at it. She’s still hopeful.

“Anyway, receiving a call from me must’ve surprised you somehow because you didn’t pick up as fast as you did before.”

“I was outside roaming around even if it was already getting late and was raining lightly, but I couldn’t care less about the weather because I was on the verge of breaking down right there and then if I didn’t find someone to talk to and it so happened to be you because you already knew how I’ve been since the start of my second year while it was your fifth, so it was easier for me to call you rather than think of anyone else and have myself explain everything from the start.”

She spoke like she’s practiced it for weeks but in reality, she’s just reminiscing. Like she’s just telling Irene about it, or at least her side of the story.

“I was actually taken aback when you rejected the call but I received your message just a few moments afterwards so it was okay. It turns out you were also outside, eating dinner at some restaurant with your friends and I happened to be near where it was so it was only natural for me to go to you. You were expecting me anyways. Why else would you have texted me your whereabouts after rejecting my call, right?”

“So, I arrived there and I saw you waiting outside with your friends, I’m not sure if you were just about to eat or if you were about to leave but either way, I didn’t want to come closer to your group because I didn’t want more people to see me in my vulnerable state so I stopped when I was like at least five meters away from your group. My eyes were already blurry because I kept holding the tears back as I was walking earlier. I was so glad that I was wearing a cap and the hood of my jacket over that so people can’t really see my face. You noticed me and approached me, you were oblivious of my expression then because you were smiling as you walked towards me, being glad to see me but your smile soon faded when you saw me.”

She paused again to look at Irene as she said her next words. “Like, really saw how I was.” And she looked at Irene like how she really was at that state, she frowned.

“You asked me if I was okay but I guess you realized that the answer was obvious enough so you moved on to your follow-up question. ‘What happened?’”

“I opened my mouth to speak but I guess the words got stuck and nothing came out. There was a big lump in my throat and I felt like choking. I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore so they finally fell. You panicked, you had no idea why I was crying and I couldn’t even tell you because…I simply couldn’t. I was already crying. You were witnessing me breaking down there.”

She sighed. “I tried though. I tried to get some words out, hoping you’d understand some but no, none of what I said came out coherent so you still had no clue. But you didn’t push it, instead you glanced over your friends to make sure they weren’t looking then turned back to me with eyes saying it’s okay. I’m thankful for that now but then, I wish I hadn’t seen it. It only made me cry harder.”

“It took a while to calm myself enough to speak and the first thing I said was, ‘my mom’s sick’ And I saw how your eyes widened and me adding the words ‘she kept it from us and she’s going to have an operation soon’ wasn’t helping in suppressing the shock. You must’ve expected something like a rant about recently my broken family or maybe about how my ex still won’t talk to me after suddenly breaking up with me a few weeks ago without saying anything else.”

“You didn’t know what to say and I know it was a lot to take in, given that I haven’t shown myself to you for a while and I show up now just to drop another bomb, another one of my worries to you. But I was impatient then, when you didn’t say something I wanted to hear because you were still trying to find the right words to say, I already decided- you can’t help me.”

She put her head down.

“So, I wiped my tears and put on a straight face. Your friends were already approaching anyway because it was time to go home or else some of you will get locked out because of curfew. I walked you and your roommate to your apartment because I didn’t want to go back to my empty apartment just yet. When we got there, you told me to go straight to my apartment because it was already late and that it was dangerous. I said I’ll probably walk around some more. You frowned, you didn’t like the idea and you were about to protest, even offering to lend me an umbrella because the rain poured a little harder but I was still being impatient so I just walked away when you were still talking because I have decided you couldn’t help me.”

“You let me go, you couldn’t stop me anyway because I had already walked away and you needed to enter your building or else the landlord will lock you outside for the night. So, you let me go but not without sending me a text, reminding me to be careful and go back to my apartment as soon as possible. I ignored it because I already decided, remember? You were no help to me.”

“It only rained a little harder and I still couldn’t care less. My world was crashing, a little rain was nothing compared to that.”

She frowned. What was she even saying? But then she remembered why she started with that story in the first place. She looked up and smiled.

“The next morning though, I woke up to the sight of you sitting on my bed, smiling at me like I hadn’t walked out on you the night before. I wasn’t surprised that you were there because well..,I did give you a copy of my door key”

“You greeted me a good morning to which I just grunted at in reply and moved my body so my back was facing you instead. Mornings were never good for me and you knew that. You just chuckled and pulled on the blanket, the next thing I knew was your arms were already s around my abdomen and you moved to lessen the distance between us, all I know was your voice sounded so clear and near when I heard you saying you’re sorry about last night and that you should’ve ran after me. I closed my eyes as an attempt to prevent the tears from falling but it was a useless thing to do because they still did. I knew because my pillow suddenly felt moist against my cheek.”

She reached out to poke Irene’s cheek and pinch it. “You let me cry and I let you hold me, forgetting about how I decided that you were no help to me.” As usual, Irene had no reaction and she just shrugged it off. “We both fell asleep, I just realized when I woke up again later that day, still in your arms and I could tell that you were still asleep because your breathing was steady and calm, so I didn’t move. Besides, I felt guilty.”

“After ignoring your text the night before, I turned my phone off and I know that you tried to reach me after that and it must’ve worried you how I couldn’t be reached. You must’ve had a hard time sleeping because of me so I tried to not make unnecessary movements in case it might wake you up.”

She wanted to laugh at the irony of her last sentence, because it was the total opposite of what she was doing right now. She was doing everything to see if Irene will wake up.

“Since that day, we started to spend more time together or more like, you started to stick to me like glue like how you were in high school. You insisted on coming with me to almost everywhere I went, except maybe to the clubs at some Friday nights because no way would Irene Bae be seen in a club, and as a compensation for me still going to the clubs despite your constant nagging, I had to be back in my apartment by 1am or else you yourself would come and get me yourself.” She smiled and quickly followed-up with, “Which was actually a useless threat by the way because due to your apartment’s policies, you can’t go out once your curfew strikes, so there was no way you could come and get me from the club if I wasn’t back by 1am. You did know that, right?”

She stared at the awkward automatic rise and fall of Irene’s chest. It was the machine’s doing, helping her breathe, remember?

She rested her head on her left hand. “We even visited my mother in the hospital the day after her operation, do you remember that?”

She didn’t bother waiting for an answer this time because she knew she wouldn’t get any, anyway. “I asked you to come with me that day, saying things like I need someone to go there with me as a distraction because I didn’t want to cry in front of my mother even when you already said yes to the invitation, not minding how I made up excuses just so you would come with me.” She smiled at her own younger self’s lameness.

“On the way there, I guess you noticed that I was nervous, so you reached for my hand and squeezed it.” She acted out what she was saying. “I looked at your hand around mine then up to your face, you were smiling at me and it was that smile of yours that was contagious so I had to smile back. ‘you’re going to be okay, your mom is out of surgery, alive and that’s good enough, right?’ And like the many times before, I knew you were right so I just nodded.”

Wendy chuckled. “You’re probably going to kill me when you find out how poorly I’m imitating you, right?” She looked at their intertwined hands. “I’m just rambling right now, aren’t I?” she sighed.

“I guess, I just wanted to tell you that—” She stopped because she had to word it out perfectly. “that you were my umbrella on rainy days” She stopped again when she realized something. “Great, now I referring to you in past tense.” She frowned and squeezed Irene’s hand tighter. “you’re my umbrella on rainy days, Irene. The one thing I needed then but refused.”

“but you’re not just that, you’re much more than that because you actually turned my life around. After all that drama, about my family’s separation, my mom’s illness that she hid from us during the separation and that stupid ex I cried about, after all that, during and before that, you were there. You never left me, telling what I should do like letting go of that stupid ex and just come to you, and I can’t emphasize enough how much I’m thankful for everything you’ve done for me.” She held onto Irene’s hand with both of hers. “It’s…it’s my turn to hold your hand through it and I’ve been doing so for the past year and a half.”

Let her go, Seungwan. It’s been a year since she broke up with you, why are you still holding on to her?

Because!

Because what? Because you didn’t get to have closure? Because she just left you without saying goodbye? Is that really it, Seungwan?

I—

Seungwan, sometimes you could be so dumb, you know that?

Huh?

Stop holding on to someone who’s not there anymore and start appreciating those who are.

What are you saying, Irene?

Do I really have to spell it out for you?

Wendy’s eyes widened at the realization. “I..I—“ She stared at Irene and her words just kept replaying in her head. “Is…is that what you want, Joohyun-ah?” She knows it useless to ask. “D-do you want me to let you go?”

It made sense and it’s unfair. Throughout the year and a half, it was always Wendy who pushed with Irene’s condition when she knew damn well it wasn’t a 50-50 chance, she was told just that as soon as the surgery ended.

She doesn’t know what to say so she just stays like that, staring at how dead Irene looked even if she was still breathing. She frowned. Irene never woke up, nor did have any improvements, only fallbacks and it got worse every time. She gulped. How could she have been so stupid?

She closed her eyes, in attempt to prevent the tears from falling bet we all know that it doesn’t work. “If all this is too much, too hard for you, Irene…it’s okay to let go.” She hesitantly said.

“I won’t hold it against you. You can..you can let go….”

There was a moment when Wendy thought she had gone deaf, because she didn’t hear the sound of the machine keeping Irene alive anymore but then she realized why because all she could hear was this long beep. She didn’t have to look at the source to know what it meant. She just cried there and soon the sound was overpowered by her sobbing.

She felt strong hands pull her away from Irene but she was too weak to even fight them. She tried to make out of what they were doing to Irene. The noises were muffled and her vision was blurry because of her tears but she realized that they were trying to revive Irene. “It’s no use…no use anymore” She mumbled. “She already let go… she let go..”

Another set of hands pulled her out of the room and into an embrace. Irene’s mother. She was hugging her like how you would a crying baby; one hand holding the back of her head and one hand rubbing her back, all while continuously saying ‘it’s okay, it’s okay, Seungwan-ah. it’s okay’. She gave one last look back into the room. “Good bye, Joohyun…”

Then she let herself melt into the embrace and lost herself there.