It is a Thursday morning in mid-January, the peak of winter, when Eun Gi gets a call from her mom. Eun Gi’s excited, for her mother didn’t pick up her call three days before, until she realizes it isn’t her mother’s voice speaking. It’s her aunt, her mother’s younger sister. Eun Gi is informed that her mother is comatose—has been in comatose state for three days. Her aunt also apologizes for only telling her now, since her mother has made sure to keep her failing health a secret from her daughter. Eun Gi knows that her mother is sick, but not this sick. She knows that her mother is weaker than she used to be and has regular checkups to the hospital, but she has no idea that her mother’s organs are failing so badly she has been bedridden for the past couple months. Eun Gi’s aunt also tells her that her stepfather left her mother the day she passed out on the streets and was rushed to the ER. Eun Gi tries to remember the last time she spoke with her mother on the phone, 2 weeks ago, but nothing seemed amiss. She sounded tired, but aren’t they all?

Kyungsoo is reheating two bowls of seaweed soup for breakfast, leftover from his birthday three days ago, when he sees the color on Eun Gi’s face drain. Kyungsoo approaches her carefully, like one would a scared kitten, and asks her what happens. Her eyes are blank as she puts down her phone. It takes a few gentle shakes on her shoulder for Eun Gi to realize she’s been spoken to. All sound is lost to her ears, her vision is a blur, and she can only hear a fraction of Kyungsoo’s question.

“—appens?”

Eun Gi tries to blink away the clouds in her mind.

“—dying,” she murmurs, trying to believe that what she was just told was a joke.

“I’m sorry?” Kyungsoo asks again, his hands still on her shoulder.

“My mom is dying,” she croaks.

Before Kyungsoo can respond, Eun Gi already pivots on her heels, grabs her coat and storms out of her apartment. Kyungsoo follows her frantically after hurriedly putting on his shoes. If Eun Gi hears Kyungsoo shouting her name, she doesn’t show it. Kyungsoo catches up to her not long after when she stops by the side of the road, waiting for a taxi. But the street is as dead as her eyes. The blizzard showering Seoul since last night has planted 12-inches-thick layer of snow on the ground, making it impossible for any vehicles to get through. So they walk. Kyungsoo grabs her hand and tries to comfort her, saying “You’re a strong person. So is your mom. She will get through this. She’ll be okay.” But Eun Gi isn’t listening. Kyungsoo isn’t even sure if she can think clearly enough to see him beside her. When they arrive at the Seoul Station, Eun Gi’s feet are blistering from dragging her steps through the snow in their long walk, her face is numb from the cold, and her hair is a messy pile of brown strands stained with dots of snow here and there, but she hardly feels any of it. Kyungsoo has her sit in the waiting room while he buys them tickets. All along the train ride to Busan, Eun Gi is clawing the fabric of her jeans, muttering either “No, no, no” or “I should’ve known” over and over again. A drop of salty tear slips out of her eyes unknowingly every time she blinks. Kyungsoo is busy trying to keep her hands from gnawing her own thighs and smoothing her hair to sweep away the snow on her head. He takes her palms to his lap and covers them with his, trying to remind her that he’s here with her, that she can cry openly, loudly, that she has a shoulder to bury her head in, but she’s too occupied with blaming herself to notice his company.

By the time they arrive in Busan, it’s already too late.

-

Kyungsoo stays with Eun Gi the entire funeral days. She doesn’t eat or drink, and only sleeps restlessly when crying has used up all her energy. A big, plump man shows up on the last day. He has bloodshot eyes, exceptionally big feet, and a mouth that always quirks up in a nasty smirk. He approaches Eun Gi after paying his respect, merely just doing a custom instead of genuinely feeling sad for the dead, and Eun Gi’s exhausted, half-asleep eyes shoot open at the sight of him.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.” The man throws Eun Gi a fake sympathetic smile.

She instinctively cowers behind Kyungsoo, and Kyungsoo knows, from the way her body is tensing for a fraction of second then trembling so violently, that this is him. The man responsible for all her pains. Her stepfather. The big man tries to touch Eun Gi’s shoulder, meaning to offer a fake, unwanted comfort, but Kyungsoo shields her with his body.

“You still have the audacity to come here? After abandoning her? Your own wife?” Eun Gi’s words are clear despite the fact that her voice is shaking in every syllable. She keeps her head down the whole time, speaking from behind Kyungsoo’s back with her hands tightly clutching her boyfriend’s clothes.

“Technically, she’s not my wife anymore,” the middle-aged man answers, frowning. “I have filed a divorce months ago, since—”

“Since she got sick,” Eun Gi snaps. “Sick because your filthy hands drugged her every night for years without her knowing.” She still can’t bring herself to face him, but anger and resentment are sewn tightly in every fabric of her words.

Her stepfather shows that disgusting smirk. “Well, well. Look what we have here. Didn’t your mother teach you manners? How can you call your father filthy?”

At this, Eun Gi’s chin snaps up. She steps in front of Kyungsoo, face to face with the man she loathes the most in the universe.

“You are not my father.” Her voice is as venomous as the glare she gives him. “You are a despicable, heartless trash.”

The fat man laughs soundlessly, finding amusement in Eun Gi’s suffering.

“You’re right. I almost didn’t recognize you when I saw you here. If I really were your father, I would always be able to spot you, no matter how much thinner and prettier you’ve become, right?”

He reaches out a hand to lift Eun Gi’s chin, but his hand is stopped mid-air by Kyungsoo’s strong grip.

“Don’t touch her,” Kyungsoo hisses through gritted teeth. He would’ve punched the daylight out of him if the funeral house had not been so full of people.

Eun Gi’s stepfather blinks twice, as if only registering that there’s someone between him and his daughter all this time.

“What’s this?” He sneers. Kyungsoo fights the huge temptation to bang this man’s head to the wall with every cell on his body. “You got yourself a pretty little boyfriend?”

“You took everything away from me.” Eun Gi snarls, her hands shaking uncontrollably, her eyes on the floor where the old man’s big feet rest. “Please get lost.”

The devil crouches down slightly to match her height, whispering loud enough for Kyungsoo to hear. “If I could tackle you when you were the size of a whale, I can tackle you now that you’re as tiny as a peanut.”

Despite the loud chattering of people in the background, Eun Gi’s frightened gulp is still audible to Kyungsoo.

“Get lost.” It’s Kyungsoo’s voice now, his nose is scrunched up in fury and disgust despite he just met this obnoxious fiend a few minutes ago.

Kyungsoo pushes the fat man’s back to shove him out of the funeral house, but he smacks Kyungsoo’s hand away and walks on his own, shouting “I’ll see you again!” to Eun Gi with a nasty crackle on his way out.

-

Eun Gi has never been the same ever since. She goes back to the way she was before meeting Kyungsoo, if not worse. Her panic attacks come back. Her nightmares and horrible hallucinations reappear. Her teeth are constantly chattering and it has nothing to do with the winter cold. She locks herself in her apartment most of the time, more than often not even opening her door for Kyungsoo. Not even a second has she forgot to blame herself for what happened to her mother. She is convinced that her mother was sick because of her to begin with, and she wasn’t even there—didn’t even know—that her mother was dying. Her mother sacrificed so much for her, yet she was never brave enough to visit her for fear of meeting her stepfather. How trivial and stupid the fear seems now that her mother is gone. The accusing whispers in her head are so intense, not even her most ear-piercing scream can shut them down. She lives in a cruel, unforgiving world that spins her in the darkness and never lets her feet touch the ground.

Kyungsoo is frustrated. He pounds on her door everyday but she never lets him in. He tries everything to get her to open the door. She doesn’t. Kyungsoo can hear her whimpers and screams and endless sobs from the other side of the door, but there’s little he can do from where he’s standing. He keeps shuffling restlessly outside her apartment all day, all week. He’s dead worried. He panics. He tries not to think about all the worst things Eun Gi can do to herself, but the image of the knife and the pills in her kitchen keep coming back to him. He’s afraid and powerless.

It’s their seventh day back in Seoul after Eun Gi’s mother’s funeral in Busan. Kyungsoo is racking his brain to find something powerful enough to kick Eun Gi’s door down with, when he hears the unlocking sound. Eun Gi shows up, even thinner than he remembers, the hollow at the base of her neck visible, uncovered by the collar of her night gown. Her hair is a mess. Her face is even messier, a solid proof that the world has been ruthless to her. Her eyes are puffy; enormous dark circles form around them, her cheeks sticky with dried tears, her lips chapped and dry. Her nails cut uneven by her teeth, some were chewed so deep that they were caked in dried blood. A claw mark runs down her right arm; another is found near her neck. Kyungsoo opens his mouth, trying to say something, but he can’t find his voice. Eun Gi’s state has left him stunned. She look so, so vulnerable. He takes his steps toward her slowly and pulls her carefully in an embrace, as though she were made of glass and a little more force can shatter her.

“Are you okay?” he asks as his eyes begin to sting. A stupid question. He rubs her head and puts it against his chest.

“It’s not your fault,” Kyungsoo’s voice breaks. “It’s not your fault. Eun Gi, stop torturing yourself. It’s not your fault.”

“It hurts, Kyungsoo,” Eun Gi pounds her hand weakly on his chest. “Everything hurts.”

“What did I do wrong?” droplets of tears start flowing again. “Wh-why am I punished like this?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Kyungsoo gently rocks her body side to side, trying to calm her down.

“I’m here,” he whispers. “You don’t have to be hurting all alone. I’m here.”

“I’m scared,” she croaks.

It is all Kyungsoo can do to keep his crying soundless. Salty tears dropping on his lips distract him momentarily from the burning words that stab his heart but never slip out of his mouth.

I’m scared, too, Eun Gi. I’m scared you’ll lose yourself and disappear from this world. I’m scared that the clouds in your mind prevent you from seeing that you have me, that you have a reason to live, even when living is unbearably hard. I’m scared that someday you’ll be lost to me, and I have no idea how I’m supposed to live without you. I’m scared of what you’re capable of doing to yourself, your numbness to physical pain. I’m scared that what little spark left in your eyes will be consumed by darkness completely. I love you. I love you, Son Eun Gi, and I’m scared.

“Don’t be,” he says softly instead. “You have no reason to blame yourself, you have no reason to be afraid, and I’m here.”

-

The clock shows 2:17 in the morning when Kyungsoo is awoken by Eun Gi’s loud shriek. He had decided to sleep over at her apartment tonight, not wanting to leave her alone even though the girl barely acknowledges his company. Kyungsoo sprints to Eun Gi’s room as she jerks up from her sleep. Her eyes grow impossibly large and panic-stricken, but her stare is bleak, not seeing. Her lips part in a gape and she freezes in her sitting position, as if too afraid to breathe. Kyungsoo sits on the edge of her bed, his thighs parallel with her pillow.

“Bad dreams?” he asks softly, trying to conceal the worry in his voice.

Eun Gi looks around in confusion. It takes considerably long seconds before she finally realizes that Kyungsoo’s there with her. She takes Kyungsoo’s hand and squeezes it hard. Kyungsoo can feel the cold sweat on her palms, the same liquid that shimmers on her skin and plasters her hair on her scalp.

“Shh, it’s okay.” Kyungsoo caresses her cheek with his free hand.

“Kyungsoo,” Eun Gi gulps, grogginess stamped all over her face. “Why are you here?”

“I told you I’m staying for the night, remember?”

Eun Gi blinks, unsure if it’s reality or her subconscious has taken over. “Stay,” she repeats, shaking her head absentmindedly.

“You’re here with me?” she asks again, squeezing her eyes shut as her clutch on Kyungsoo’s hand tightens.

“Yes,” Kyungsoo smiles sadly.

“Where did you sleep? I was alone in this room.” Eun Gi opens her eyes, but they still can’t find their focus.

“On the couch,” Kyungsoo replies. “Did you have nightmares? It’s okay now. I’m here.” He moves a strand of wet hair from her cheek. He tries to stand up to fetch Eun Gi’s covers that are somehow slumped on the floor, but Eun Gi doesn’t let him go.

“Don’t leave,” she whimpers, her long eyelashes fluttering rapidly. “Stay, Kyungsoo. Don’t leave.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he says, her hair. “I love you, alright? I’m here, and it’s okay. You’re not alone.”

Kyungsoo pats Eun Gi’s pillow and tells her to rest. Eun Gi never lets go of his hand, clutching it tightly the way she did her teddy bear many years ago. Kyungsoo lies beside her, wrapping his free arm around her waist protectively.

“Kyungsoo?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m tired.”

Kyungsoo feels a lump rising in his throat. He encourages Eun Gi to sleep again, to get some rest, despite being perfectly aware that what Eun Gi means is an entirely different kind of exhaustion.

“Hush, sleep now.” He plants a tender kiss on Eun Gi’s forehead.

Eun Gi’s single bed is too small for the two of them. Kyungsoo scoots closer and lies on his side, adjusting his position with his eyes never leaving Eun Gi’s face. Kyungsoo feels so torn inside : helpless, miserable, pathetic, powerless. The exasperation and frustration twist in his chest so tightly he might combust. He’s in love, desperately so, yet he can’t even protect the girl he cherishes with the marrow of is bones from herself. He can only simply be there for her, without knowing how to ease her pain, having no idea how to relieve her from the agony suffocating her from the inside.

“Thank God you’re here,” Eun Gi mumbles softly as the world of subconscious washes over her.

A shallow inhale. A long, slow exhale, almost a sigh. Her mind is clouded and fuzzy, nowhere near clear, but the sound of Kyungsoo’s voice warms her up. Hot chocolate in a drizzling rain, sweet and calm and comforting.

“Thank God you’re here. I only have you.”

Cocooned under the blanket with Kyungsoo, Eun Gi finally falls asleep. Kyungsoo isn’t given the same luxury.

-

The days that follow are exceptionally hard. All the improvements Eun Gi has shown these past months disappear without a trace. They are back to square one as her mental health is as broken as ever. Kyungsoo’s company used to be able to calm her down, to shield her from her nightmares, but not anymore. At least Kyungsoo’s there to hold her upright when her attacks come back and her vision goes dark.

 Eun Gi refuses to eat—not because she sees the evil little calories swarming her food like she used to, but because her sorrow fills her inside completely despite the hollowness of her cheekbones. Kyungsoo makes a copy of her apartment keys in case she’s so deep in her lamenting to open the door for him. Eun Gi hardly cries anymore. She mostly stares out of the windows with bitter, lifeless eyes, vacant of any hint of light that used to dwell there. Occasionally, she’d bury her head on her knees and cover her ears with her hands, trying to block the maliciously accusing cacophony raging on the darkest corners of her mind. Eun Gi’s constantly trembling under the invisible weight that pins her frail body down, all but crushing her to pieces. Her shoulders sag, despair and devastation stain the air around her.  Kyungsoo wishes her apartment isn’t as high above the ground.

Eun Gi is silent most of the time, her own world is obnoxiously noisy enough due to the buzzing and whispers lurking on her head. Kyungsoo whispers soothing words on her ears endlessly, asking for her to follow him to therapist appointments he has arranged, the appointments that are never fulfilled. It doesn’t take long for Kyungsoo to realize that it’s too much to ask for when Eun Gi doesn’t even listen to him, doesn’t even heed him when Kyungsoo begs her to acknowledge his presence. But not today.

Eun Gi smiles weakly when Kyungsoo shows up today.

“You come,” she says.

Kyungsoo smiles back as widely as he can. “To make you breakfast,” he holds up the transparent plastic bag he brings, showing the loaf of bread, eggs, and a can of ham it contains.

“Good,” Eun Gi gets up from her perching spot by the window. “I’m starving.”

It takes Kyungsoo a few seconds to register the changes. It seems like Eun Gi—his Eun Gi—is coming back. The smile she offers him today is the first smile he’s seen in weeks. He feels a spark of hope rising in his heart.

“Of course you are,” Kyungsoo beams, “You haven’t eaten anything for so long. Wait a minute, I’m going to toast this bread for you.” He takes out the groceries from the plastic bag and puts them neatly on the dining table.

Eun Gi picks up the eggs and washes them in the sink. “I want some rice, though.”

“Rice. Okay. Let’s see,” Kyungsoo hums while rummaging through her fridge, “Your gochujang will expire soon. Let’s make budae jiggae instead.”

Eun Gi washes spring onions while Kyungsoo puts a pot of water to boil. Kyungsoo whistles happily, still not believing that Eun Gi is finally talking and laughing again at the lame jokes he throws as they cook. Both of them act as if her huge breakdown these past couple weeks never happened. Kyungsoo wonders how Eun Gi can change drastically overnight, but he’s just grateful that somehow it looks like Eun Gi’s agony has been lifted off her shoulders, no matter how slightly.

Eun Gi scoops two bowls of rice and set them on the table while Kyungsoo stirs the soup for the last time before turning the stove off.

“This smells good,” Eun Gi her lips, transferring noodles and ham to her bowl.

“I have a knack in turning everything into something scrumptious.” Kyungsoo grins.

“God, I’m so sick of your cockiness,” Eun Gi huffs.

They eat at the violet couch while switching channels on the TV that hasn’t been for weeks. Kyungsoo holds back a laugh at Eun Gi’s little yelp when the hot soup burns her tongue.

-

The second week of February is closing in, yet the sign of winter retreating is still far from visible. Layers of snow cover the streets and building roofs, but not thick enough to convince people to stay at home. The coffee shop is crowded, and Kyungsoo has just finished meeting up with his mom for the first time in months. The meeting began awkwardly, but soon they were both apologizing at each other for everything that made them abandon each other. His mom looked a lot happier than the last time he saw her, now that she comes home to a sweet daughter and  no frustrating husband. Her happiness would be complete if Kyungsoo comes back home, she said, but Kyungsoo smiled and told her he has someone to look after. The aroma of coffee and brown sugar warmed the air around them, and Kyungsoo’s mom lectured him about everything concerning how to treat his girl right.

Now Kyungsoo’s grinning ear to ear, can’t wait to see Eun Gi and tell her how he’s mended his relationship with his mother. He struts quickly at the parking lot, one hand fumbles on his jeans pocket to fish his car key, the other holds a cup of coffee he’s bought for Eun Gi. Hot soy latte, Eun Gi’s new favorite. Kyungsoo’s more than relieved to remember that Eun Gi’s no-sugar-Americano days—when she used coffee not for enjoyment or refreshment, but to trick her stomach into believing  that she wasn’t hungry –are over. Kyungsoo dusts off the snow on his jacket before stepping in his car where he left his phone. Three missed calls from Eun Gi. Kyungsoo settles the hot paper cup on the cup holder next to his car’s steering wheel. He tries calling her back, but she doesn’t answer.

“Hey, sorry I just saw your missed calls. Left my phone on the car. I bought your soy latte. On my way to your place now!” he texts before starting the engine and heading to his apartment building.

The late winter air is chilly, and Kyungsoo shivers as soon as he steps out of his car. Blaming the snowy breeze for making the coffee he’s holding barely lukewarm anymore, he waits for the elevator to take him to the 7^th floor.

Kyungsoo senses something’s not right when the elevator slides open and the hallway to Eun Gi’s apartment swims into view. It’s something about the way the air hangs heavily or the way the corridor is dirtier than usual. Kyungsoo finds Eun Gi’s door slightly ajar, and everything happens in slow motion the moment he opens it.

Eun Gi’s apartment is in pandemonium. Vases and frames are shattered on the floor. The pillows from her ugly violet couch are scattered everywhere. Her carpet is folded harshly in too many places, trickles of blood stain its camel color. The TV is on, its volume too loud, and Eun Gi’s phone lies on the floor with its screen cracked. Kyungsoo’s heart sinks. He knows. Amidst the churning on his stomach, he knows. He doesn’t realize he’s dropped the coffee that’s now pooling at his feet when conversations from days and months ago echo loudly along with the huge thumps on his chest.

“Eun Gi, is your intercom broken?”

“Yeah, I’ll have it repaired later.”

Muddy snow taking the form of exceptionally large footprints that stain the corridor outside disappears at the side of her carpet.

I’ve been terrified that someday the bell rings and it’s not you, but him, waiting to barge in here.

The droplets of blood.

If I could tackle you when you were the size of a whale, I can tackle you now that you’re as tiny as a peanut.

A mocking sneer flashes before Kyungsoo’s eyes.

I’ll see you again!

Everything feels numb and painful at the same time. Kyungsoo doesn’t know how he can still hear the running water amidst the cacophony of regret on his ears and sharp pangs at his heart. Kyungsoo doesn’t know how he can still find strength on his legs when everything’s crumbling around him, his ears ringing, his world spinning, his vision blur, his heart a pebble sinking down a bottomless lake of darkness, but somehow he manages to stumble to Eun Gi’s bathroom.

And there she was. So frail, so tiny, so pale, her complexion the same shade as the snow falling outside. Kyungsoo’s trembling so hard, his lips quivering so wildly, mouthing no, no, no, as he succumbs to his knees and takes her limp body on his arms. Her skin is so cold, a thin layer of ice housing her fragile frame. All the warmness in her seeps out with the blood flowing down from the gaping cuts on her wrist. New cuts.  

No, no, no. Not Eun Gi. No.

Pieces of glass that used to compose the broken vase on her living room emerge from her pool of blood. Water runs continuously from the shower, soaking her night gown, combining with her blood to form thinner, less burgundy liquid that mixes with Kyungsoo’s tears.

Kyungsoo’s searching for everything : a whimper, a breath, a smile. Anything that can convince him that her dim twinkle hasn’t completely disappeared from his life, from this world.

The silence is grey. Kyungsoo’s sorrowful scream pours blackness into it.

-

Chanyeol never thought he’d live to witness how grief can consume someone completely, mercilessly. He never thought that his best friend, Do Kyungsoo, the one with sparkly big eyes and picture perfect smiles, the one who could always come up with witty remarks and splutter sarcasm like a second breath, now succumbs to desperation and devastation so, so deep that no one can reach him anymore. He never thought there’d come a day where the only sound he wants to hear is the warm, echoing laugh of his smaller friend, that if he could be blessed with the sight of Kyungsoo throwing his head back in glee, he would be washed by relief and his body would feel so light he could fly. He never thought he could fix his relationship with Baekhyun by teaming up with him and Jongdae in search of Kyungsoo the day Kyungsoo goes missing.

 

 

Kyungsoo stops his car at the beach where Eun Gi and he laid side by side eating sand-covered popcorn a lifetime ago. Everything looks the same : the lazy waves, the distant flock of seagulls, the group of baby crabs crawling and digging, crawling and digging, yet everything feels different in Kyungsoo’s heart. He takes a deep breath, searching for the faintest scent of Eun Gi that may have been left in this very spot she had carved You saved me on the sand.

“No, I didn’t.” Kyungsoo smiles bitterly.

I will protect you. Do you hear me? I will protect you. I will never let anyone hurt you.

“That, I couldn’t keep either.” Kyungsoo almost laughs at his expertise at making promises and not keeping them.

“Eun Gi?”

Hmm?

“I decided corgis are way cuter than golden retrievers. Let’s just get a boy, so Timmy it is.”

Deal.

“I’ve used up your expensive grated parmesan. We wouldn’t have that stupid popcorn-making competition anyway.”

What, you’re gonna bake and eat me like the witch in Hansel and Gretel did once I fatten up?

“I keep your sketchbook in my apartment. Didn’t know you drew me that much.”

You make a good model. A good muse, even. Has anyone told you that?

Kyungsoo plants his feet on the wet sand, letting the waves tickle the tip of his toes.

I never told you this before because it sounds cheesy and I hate being cheesy, but thank you.

“I tried fishing. It’s boring as hell. You’re right, I at it.”

We’d roll out a blanket in the backyard and eat while gazing at the stars.

Kyungsoo takes a step deeper to the sea, his khakis he doesn’t bother to roll up completely soaked.

Can we stay like this?

Kyungsoo curls his hands at the nothingness in front of him, pretending he has Eun Gi’s weight on his arms.

It hurts, Kyungsoo. Everything hurts.

I only have you.

I’m scared.

What did I do wrong? Why am I punished like this?

His thighs are drenched. The phone he keeps on his back pocket starts absorbing water, its screen goes black at the attack of unwanted, unfamiliar liquid.

“Eun Gi?”

Hmm?

“I love you.”

I love you,too.

Kyungsoo takes a step deeper to the sea.