I was never a perfectionist, not trying to be in denial but honestly I was never obsessed in perfection but why do mistakes hurt me a lot?

I guess I was born with a negative mind trying to fool myself by thinking about positive thoughts. The music that I make sometimes surprise me a lot especially when I’m feeling really doubtful about it but still- I’m afraid to say and admit that I’m a coward, a coward that doesn’t deserve someone like you.

How does Kwon Jiyong show his love? Jiyong doesn’t actually know and G-Dragon won’t answer the question…

The atmosphere in the studio is warm and cozy. Maybe it’s because of the modern interior of the room, the floor is tiled with various mix of colors such as black, gray and a bit of white. The color palettes are neutral and airy; furnishings are straight modern and edgy with designs that include metals, glass and steel that gives off a very home-like feeling to exhausted artists.

Walls are painted in white to complete the look of the room but Jiyong began seeing red at the moment.

“AGAIN!”

Immediately the members cover their ears as Jiyong’s voice rang loudly in the recording room. In annoyance He yelled straight to the microphone in front of him and gritted his teeth.

“The heck are you doing Ri? For goodness sake you’re supposed to get this done for an hour not for ing 3 hours!” The fuming leader stood up from the metal stool and went straight inside the studio where his boyfriend stands stoic and head hanging low. He’s loss for words, he thought his lover can get the whole recording as soon as they started, he was wrong... again.

He cursed a lot and the members of the world class group know that Jiyong doesn’t curse for laughs. He is dead serious when he does and Seungri is not dumb not to get everything. The youngest knows that it’s his fault for not doing a good job yet he can’t help it but to feel hurt and flabbergasted as he listens to the stabbing words from his boyfriend’s mouth. Since when are they falling apart?

Seungri doesn’t know and Lee Seunghyun won’t answer...

The latter was hesitant to look at the leader’s eyes, he is afraid that he’ll break down once he did. He doesn’t dare to move a nerve nor to take a step away. If you are seeing the situation and you don’t know they’re dating you will probably think that Jiyong will strangle the younger and yell at him once more. Unfortunately this is what the older is thinking of at the moment, his hands are shaking and his lower limbs are taking steps towards the frozen member.

It was freezing cold inside but the tension is too much, most of the time the members don’t interfere with the couple’s argumentation but Daesung is nowhere near letting this entire ed up situation break the two even more. He’s ready so sprint inside and push the leader away but the closest to Jiyong, Taeyang, has gone through the door already and dragged the rapper outside of the room. Away from everyone.

Unknowingly the maknae let out a long sigh not because he is relieved that his lover went out- to tell the truth he was really mad about himself. The vocalist’s mind is clouded with train of thoughts and frustrations blaming his stupid voice for being off pitch at the wrong place and most definitely at the worse time as well. His vision gets blurry as he stares at his reflection in the glass window. He glanced to himself one last time and as soon as he did a tear came out from his eyes.

“Oh come on Ri, why are you crying?” Daesung rushed to his friend’s side immediately. He wrapped his arms around the younger to make him feel safe, secured and loved because lately the younger is not getting the love he deserves and everyone in Bigbang knows it except for the two idiots

Jiyong and Seungri.

“Get off of me, hyung. I don’t deserve any of this it’s my fault this happened” The latter tried escaping Daesung’s warmth embrace by pushing him away and squirming under the older’s touch but he failed miserably cause his hyung doesn’t have any plans to let him go.

How I wish Jiyong will hold me this tight.

“Enough of this Ri, have you seen yourself? You look like you aged 10 years and that’s not supposed to happen. When was the last time you took a day off? When was the last time you visit your friends and family? When? Tell me!”

Seungri was taken a back, he didn’t expect his hyung to get mad at him. Anxiety is building up in his system and he can’t help but to stutter and let out a confuse

“I-I- I’m not quite sure, hyung. I’m s-sorry”

“How can you be sure when that doesn’t happen at all, Ri. You always stay wherever Jiyong stays, you freaking go wherever he goes. You literally cook everything for him and guess what he doesn’t eat any of those anymore. Wake the up Ri, I hate seeing my baby like this”

Realization came too hard for the maknae, flashbacks of how stupid he’s gone to crashed down in him.

In denial

That’s how he purposely wanna be, it hurts to see your lover being cold to you and he can’t afford to let himself accept the reality of life, of them.

“Hyung, I don’t want to be selfish. You know how tired Ji gets this past few days, he needs me”

“Trip off Ri, you’re not being selfish that’s having self-respect, you fool”

Seungri shut his eyes and just let himself cry on Daesung’s shoulder. It hurts. Damn it hurts so bad

I’m so pathetic…

“Really Ji that’s how you’re gonna deal with this?” Youngbae is not amused with the things he’s hearing from his friend. They are in the veranda from across the room and the main vocalist is ruffling his hair out of frustration.

“You can’t blame me, Youngbae. You know that” The leader’s answer is a bit muffled as his tired hands cover his face. He is so damn confuse at the moment, he didn’t mean to say whatever came out from his mouth. Unintentionally he had hurt the love of life once more. Being the nice friend the blonde man run his hand back and forth on Jiyong’s back to sooth the tensed muscles and exhausted mind.

“Yeah I know but clearly hurting him won’t resolve the problem you have, du-“

“Wh- what problem?”

Taeyang’s word got cut off when Seungri slide the door open and joined them outside. Seungri stared at them with confusion and as he look around he sees his hyung’s hand touching Jiyong.

Get those hands away from him, please

He wanted to scream those words at his hyung’s face. Technically he has the right to but he knows at the back of his head that his lover will not stand up for him and that he’ll get blamed for everything, again. So in the end he just looks at the green plants and tried his best to erase the picture from his brain.

“Nothing, pack your things. We’ll go back to the dorm” without a single glance at his lover Jiyong turned around and walked towards the door, he took steps in a light way and as he went farther and farther Ri is breaking into million pieces.

What’s my worth for you?

As soon as their manager arrived, the members get inside one by one except for the couple because as a matter of fact they have their own house which Jiyong bought when everything was perfect. They drove in silence but not in peace, Ri’s thoughts are in a war and his rationality is losing. He wants to talk, he badly needed Jiyong to talk to him but how can he ask his lover to do that when he can ing see through his peripheral vision how tired the latter is.

The highway has never felt so long and the seat between the driver and shotgun has never felt so distant, so cold.

When Jiyong pulled over and stopped the car, Seungri genuinely expected his lover to at least say something but all he get was his boyfriend’s back facing him and the sound of the car door opening. Without any words uttered, the leader continue taking steps towards the elevator, he didn’t wait for Seungri to enter and just pressed the top floor.

As soon as Seungri gets inside the last thing he saw was Jiyong staring blankly at him and the elevator door shutting in front of his eyes, the image of his lover vanished in the thin cold air.

“We ing need to talk” Seungri told himself as he quickly ran in front of the elevator to get a lift but fate is seriously kidding with him. Without thinking twice the maknae turn his heels towards the stairs and make his way up to the top floor. He was sweating so hard and he is running out of breath, the latter needs to stop and breathe some air but he is afraid that his lover will be asleep by the time he arrived at their penthouse.

Why aren’t you waiting for me?

With his left hand, Seungri wiped off his sweat and open the door. Right on time, he sees Jiyong removing his tie. Abruptly the younger stand before his lover…

 "Ji tell me what's wrong please"

The couple just reached their home after a long and exhausting day, they should be sleeping as their bodies scream for rest but things are not going well, nothing was going well for the past few months.

Jiyong had enough for the whole day, he went through tons and tons of work to polish the songs for their upcoming album but Seungri had enough as well, the younger had enough of the leader's actions that feel foreighn to him, he feels like his boyfriend is not the guy he used to be. The maknae tried to stop his lover by grabbing the leader's hand that he hasn't held for a very long time and he was lucky enough to have a grasp on it after several times of trying.

"Ri I'm so ing tired, quit the talk" the tone of the older is plain, it's cold and it's painful. Seungri almost let go of Jiyong's hand due to the cold words that keep on peircing his heart but he'll take it, he can take it if it's for his lover.

"When should we talk?" the younger is pleading, almost falling on his knees trying to beg Jiyong to not dissapoint him even more, but the leader doesn't have any plans to talk at this time, at this moment.

"You're my boyfriend, please let me rest" Jiyong yanked the younger's hand to free himself wanting to leave the scene as soon as possible and for the nth time Seungri just let him leave.....

Why am I doing this to myself? Maybe I’m the type of person that loves you more than I actually love myself. Others might refer to this as stupidity but honestly as ironic as this may sound, you’re my strength. I’m happy by just loving you even though sometimes, most of the time it hurts… so much.

I wanna cry but tears do not fall anymore. I guess because my heart is already fed up with this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey guys ^_^ really, it’s been a while I know…

I’m really sorry this took so long, I had a writer’s block and had a lot of stuff going on..

Hope you all have a great day… I will try better and update early…

Thank you~