There is always someone who catches our eye. There is always someone who makes us feel the butterflies in our stomachs flutter. There is always someone who unconsciously makes us smile just by hearing his or her name. There is always someone who makes us feel secured with his or her sweet words. There is always someone who is willing to fight for us even if we know it isn’t worth it. There is always someone who lends us a hand when we fall. But, there is also someone who can make us feel unwanted and unloved. There is always someone who makes us cry – not because of joy, but because of frustration. There is always someone who makes fun of us even though we know we’re worth it. There is always someone who, instead of pulling us up, is pushing us farther down.

Love isn’t always happiness. Love isn’t always pain. It needs to be balanced. If it’s always happiness, then you won’t grow. If it’s always pain, then you have to let go. People who are in a relationship should know this by now. If one thing is “more” then the love you have is something common. When you encounter love, it should be extraordinary; an out of this world experience. You may love a lot of people but be sure to keep it balanced.

I’m Park Chanyeol, 65 and a citizen of the Repbulic of South Korea. In my arms is the man who taught me these things. He isn’t perfect. He didn’t graduate college. He isn’t prim and proper. He is he. He likes to do what he wants. He’s loud. He doesn’t care about what people think about him. He’s broken and fragile but I love him for these. His imperfections make him perfect and unique. He isn’t the most handsome guy but I’m glad he is. I don’t want anyone chasing after him. It should only be me.

My love for this man is way more powerful than the gravitational pull of the earth. My love for him is deeper than the Marianas Trench. My love for him is touching the violet skies. But sad to say, our love was not balanced. Our love had limited happiness. Our love had holes that could kill anyone. Holes that even the world’s largest animal can enter. We didn’t believe in commitment. We only believed in love. He was never my boyfriend and I was never his. But we were both territorial. He never liked me hanging out with other people and vice-versa. I can feel that he loves me, big time. It’s just that we weren’t ready to commit. We were only in our early 20’s and we still want to explore the world. We were satisfied. We were happy. But then again, our happiness was limited. Due to the fact that we aren’t a couple and we stay under one roof, people criticized us. We didn’t care to be honest, but the problem started when he would ignore me and go to parties I know nothing of. But I have no say. He was never my boyfriend anyway.

We would fight a lot. I don’t know how many China vases were broken and how much money have we wasted due to our impulsive throwing and slashing of things. We would fight about petty things like why I came home late or why he hung out with the guy I hate the most or why did I not tell him that my mom would be visiting or why he didn’t tell me that he’s quitting college. Our frustrations piled up and we decided to separate. We had nothing to end. We only need space and a break from everything that’s been happening between us. We needed to grow. We needed to find ourselves and mature.

And so that’s what happened. Our almost 3 year something ended just like that.

Two years have passed and I still can’t move on. Aight, I’m a fool, I know. For the first few months that we were away, we still had communication. But then again, it would always lead to arguments so we stopped. We cut all of our connections. We swore to ourselves not to bother each other anymore. As I have said, we needed space. We needed to be apart. And so we did. I still remembered her last text message: “If we’re meant to be, we will be.” I know it’s cliché but it’s actually true.

I was already studying law and was in my 2^nd year. He also wanted to be a lawyer but for whatever reason, he stopped. That was one thing we fought about. I thought it was because he can’t finance it anymore but he always says it’s not.

I was in my second semester when I met Lu. He was nothing like him. I never gave him my attention but he was persistent. Whenever I’m down, he would piss me more then laugh at me after then I’m okay. That time, my heart was still with him and I was broken. I built several thick walls around me but Lu found his way in. I didn’t know how but he crept his way inside me. It was months before I fully let him enter my system. After a year, I fell in love. He picked up the pieces and placed it back together. Well, not really, but I was willing to try. I was willing to take the risk. We took the risk.

Lu was my first boyfriend. He was there when I graduated. He was there to cheer me for the licensure exams. He was there when my dad died. He was there to help me when my mom was depressed. He was the one who cared for me whenever I’m sick. And he was there when I can barely hold myself. One by one the reasons why to love him more piled up. And one day, I saw myself kneeling before him asking his hand in marriage.

When he said the magic word, I felt so happy. I felt complete. I felt like the best man in the whole world. But then one day, when I went to the hospital to invite a friend of mine, I saw him. He emerged from the cardiovascular clinic with the man I hate the most.

Our eyes met and right there and then I knew, the spark was still there.

We talked. We talked about the 4 years we were apart. He told me he was sick. That he was dying. That the man I hate the most was the one who've been accompanying him for the past years. I was at a loss for words. I became deaf. The words he said played back and forth inside my head. I can see tears welling in the corners of his eyes as he spoke. Damn, I should feel nothing. I should only feel pity, but I felt my heart shatter to pieces again. I really don’t know what’s with him that he can pull me down again in just one move.

I told him I was about to get married and I saw a hint of pain in his eyes. But he smiled and congratulated me. I felt guilty. I shouldn’t have said that.

“But that was the truth! What the hell, Chanyeol?” a voice inside my head said.

“Because he still has feelings for him,” my heart stated.

No, that can’t be the case. I only pitied him. I don’t want to hurt again.

But despite me arguing about my feelings, I found myself asking for his number. I almost leapt for joy when he gave it. Damn, you’re engaged!

For the next few days, I would accompany him as he goes in and out from the hospital. I know I’m being a jerk to Lu but I just can’t help it. He needs me more than Lu does.

“Why are you here again?” he asked. “Won’t Lu feel bad that you are ditching him especially now that you’re planning for your wedding?”

“No. He actually doesn’t want me to have a say in our wedding.”

“What? It’s your wedding! It takes two to tango.”

“Well, I just want to give him the best.”

He was silent. , what now?

“If I told you I still loved you, what will you do?”

I was dumbstruck. We stopped walking.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“No, don’t be. Come on, let’s go,” he said while smiling at me.

I felt guilty again. Damn what’s happening to me? I held his hand making him look at me confusingly. I smiled at him and he smiled back. He tightened his grip and hugged me. I know that this can be called cheating but I don’t care anymore. I want him happy. I want him to feel that he’s special especially now that his life’s at risk.

“I love you,”

I heaved a deep breath before saying, “I love you too.”

And I wasn't lying.

“Who’s your girl? Huh, Chanyeol? Who?!”

“I have no girl, Lu. I am engaged and will be married to you!”

“As if I believe that, Park Chanyeol! I see you texting and smiling. And you’re always away. Should I be scared now?”

“No. I am marrying you, Lu. No one else.”

“I know that,” he snapped, “but can you really blame me for having suspicions? A lot of married men don’t consider their marriage as a hindrance from being unfaithful!”

I looked at him with disbelief.

“You managed to make me believe in commitment, something I didn’t intend to indulge myself in for so many years. Do you really think I’d be unfaithful to you when you made me feel a level of happiness I’ve never felt before?”

He hugged me then, burying his face in the crook of my neck, and I heard sniffles. “I just don’t want to lose you,” he whispered, his warm breath fanning across my neck. I rubbed his back.

“You won’t.” He pulled back, looking at me straight in the eye. “Are you sure? You’re not gonna leave me for someone else, or just leave me in general?”

I was silent for a moment, pondering. I want to give Lu a sure answer, just as sure as his had been when I proposed.

I thought about all the time I’ve spent with him, how we seemed to be content with just loving each other, no labels, commitment, or anything. Yes, I loved him, and there’s a part of me that still does, but I know that we might never be anything aside from just two people loving each other. Kind of like unrequited love, and the factors that won’t allow us to be together are a.) his disbelief in commitment, b.) his illness, and c.) the fact that I’m getting married.

Then I thought of Lu, how he was the only person who broke down my walls, how he made me change my mind about commitment, how we took the risk of officially calling ourselves boyfriends, not knowing where it might take us, leaving fate to decide what would come out of it.

I might never stop loving him, even after I get married. But then I looked at Lu, and I had my answer.

“No, Lu, I will never leave you.”

"I know why you called me here," he stated. "You want out."

I froze. He's still he. Even though he's pale and skinny, he's still the person I fell in love with. He's still frank as ever.

"It's okay, Chanyeol, I understand. Don't worry. And I know, you're doing this out of pity for me."

"No, please don't say that."

"But that's the truth, right?"

"No. I love you. I still do. God knows how much my heart beats for you."

"But then, love isn't enough,"

I heaved a deep sigh and hung my head.

He walked near me and hugged me tight. I miss him so ing much.

"As I said, Chanyeol, I love you and I understand. Maybe somewhere, in a parallel universe, we'll be something. Not now, but someday," and he pulled away.

Tears started forming in the corner of my eyes. I fought against all the odds and leaned down to kiss his forehead. 

"I love you too. Thank you."

When I got home, I found Lu in our bedroom crying. He was in hysterics. He shouted at me, curst me, banged my chest and slapped me. He was shouting profanities like there was no tomorrow.

"I saw you with a guy! A guy I don't know! So you were being honest with not having a girl but you have a ing guy whose forehead you kissed."

I sighed and made him calm down. I will tell him this very moment about the unfortunate tale of love that was lost.

"And you dare say this to me now?" He asked.

I nodded. I explained to him that I thought we'd never cross paths again so what's the use in telling him. I also told him everything he need to know. I also told him that we stopped it earlier. The thing we had.

He calmed down and thank God he did. He hugged me and said, "Thank you for choosing me. I love you,"

"I love you too."

It was a week before our wedding when I received a phone call from an unregistered number.

"Hello, Chanyeol?"

My eyebrows furrowed. What the does he want?

"Speaking,"

"Baek is dying, he's asking for you."

I froze. My world stopped when I heard his last four words. . I frantically went out of the room and told Lu what was happening.

"Okay, but just remember to go back to me. Only to me."

"Yes, I love you," I said before kissing his forehead and rushing to my car.

I arrived at the hospital 20 minutes later and rushed to his room. I saw him going out and he just nodded his head before proceeding to where he was going. I entered and saw him lying lifeless on his deathbed. My tears started to form when I saw his helpless state. His fingernails are in their bluest color and his eyes were bloodshot and his lips were pale.

"You came," he said.

I went to his side and sat down. I held his hand while wiping my tears away.

"You asked for me."

"I was just joking. You have an upcoming wedding. Besides, I'm dying. It was just a wishful thinking, I don't want you to see me in this state."

"No, please don't say that. Please don't. Fight harder," I encouraged him.

"But I'm tired, Chanyeol. I want to rest," he said while tears were dripping from his eyes.

"No, please, live. I love you, don't leave."

"What's the use, Chanyeol? You'll be marrying in a week. And to a man that's not me." I was silent but I still held his hand. I tightened my grip. I can't afford to lose him. "Please, stop caring and loving me. It would only hurt you. I would, only break you."

"What you said is true. You will only break me but I can't unlove you."

"I'll die."

"No you're not."

"Sooner or later, I still will."

"I love you."

We fell silent. I can hear his deep breaths. I know it's hard for him. I know it's killing him but damn. I still don't want to let go.

"Yeol, please, let me go. I want to rest."

He called me 'Yeol.' How I missed the way he would call me that.

I sighed. This is going to be hard. I don't want him to go, but I also don't want to see him in pain. We only hurt each other and both of us are suffering. I need to let him go. I need to let 'us' go.

"Baek," I called his name.

"Yes?" He croaked.

"I'm.... I am..... I'm letting... you..... go.... Even if it hurts, I am willing to let you go. But always remember that I love you."

There. I said it. I went to see his face and I saw him smile.

"But love isn't always enough. Thank you, Yeol. Remember, that I will always love you too. I will always be here beside you, even if I'm gone."

"I love you too, Baek."

"Hum me a lullaby will ya," he said.

I was confused at first but then I understood.

I hummed his favorite lullaby: a piece by Claud Debaussy, entitled Clair de Lune even though my voice was shaking. I remember him telling me that it had been his favorite after we watched that vampire movie together.

He closed his eyes and I hear his deep breaths again. After a while, when I was already at the chorus, his breathing becomes standard. Then when I was about to finish, I notice that his breathing has stopped. I panicked. I went out of his room and called the doctors. They came rushing in with their tools.

They made me stay outside. I'm crying like crazy. I can see through the glass window of the door that their movement slowed down.

The doctor shook his head and looked at his watch. He ordered something to the others while going out.

"What happened?" I asked when he's already outside.

He took off his mask before answering my question, "Time of death: 4:48 pm. Condolences, Mr. Park. Excuse me."

4:48 pm. I will forever hate that time.

We opted to cremate him so that his ashes will always remain with us. Lu postponed the wedding. He knew I wasn't in the best state and I thanked him for understanding.

The day before we throw Baekhyun's ashes, the man I hate the most contacted me again. 

"What the do you want?" I asked him.

"Chanyeol, I know you hate me, but goddamn, I'm a married man so you better stop ing around."

I glared at him. I was hugging Baekhyun's urn. I held it wherever I went.

"Fine, but seriously what do you want?"

"Prior to Baekhyun's death, he asked me a favor. He asked me to bring you somewhere,"

"And where is that?"

He cocked his head and I followed him to his car. I was still hugging Baekhyun's ashes.

He drove us to a cemetery.

"What are we doing here?"

"Follow me."

We walked for a while before we stopped at a stone near the end of the field.

"Hey lil' one, I'm sorry Uncle Soo only visited today. But I brought your father with me to compensate,"

I was confused. Who the was this guy talking to?

"Chanyeol, I'd like you to meet Chanhyun, hey lil' one, meet Chanyeol, your father."

My eyes went wide. My knees went weak. Chanhyun?

"Don't just stare there , come here and greet your son."

Without hesitations, I went near the stone and read the engraved name.

Park Chanhyun.

I almost lost my grip on Baekhyun's urn. I couldn't ake it anymore and knelt. My tears came flowing.

We had a son.

Baekhyun and I, we had a son.

And he chose to give him my last name.

He chose to name him after us.

My heart felt like he was going to burst.

Mixed emotions filled me in.

Happiness. Sadness. Anger. Frustrations. But mostly happy.

"Baekhyun didn't want to tell you in person because he feared that you would hate hm for letting your son die without you seeing him in person. He asked me to let you know about it after you died."

I caressed the stone. Park Chanhyun. My son.

"Chanhyun inherited Baekhyun's disease. He died when he was three."

I was still at a loss for words. 

"I'm going to leave you so that you may have a time for each other. I'll be in the car," Kyungsoo said while he patted my back and went in the car.

I held Baekhyun's urn closer to me and whispered, "Thank you. Thank you for naming him after me. After us."

I placed the urn down and sat in front of the stone. I held it's nameplate and spoke.

"Hey son," I started. "My name's Park Chanyeol, your father. I'm sorry I didn't see you and wasn't there in your suffering. I'm sorry that you didn't have a big guy who would carry you around the neck. I'm sorry if you had to live without me. I'm sorry because I hadn't done my daddy responsibilities. But despite all these, I want you to know that I love you and your father. I want you to know that even if this was the first time we met, you already hold a special place in my heart. I thank your dad for bringing you into this world. I won't blame his illness because it's natural. I blame myself because I didn't fought for what your dad and I had. If I did, you would have seen me. Your handsome and awesome father. I bet that you inherited the looks from me and you inherited your dad's strong attitude."

I am already wiping my tears at this point.

"Again, I'm sorry and I love you. Don't worry, I will always come here whenever it's your birthday and death anniversarry. I will be here bringing your dad. I love you both. But I know that you know I'm marrying someone else. Yes, I love your dad, but our time have passed. Sometimes, love isn't enough. Sometimes you need to choose something that would be constant and permanent. Your dad and I's love is something floating. I will still love him until time goes by. I will love you both even if I'm dead. Don't ever forget that."

"Chan?"

"Hmm?"

"Our wedding's in two days and i want you to know that Baekhyun is an amazing person."

"What are you saying?"

"I met up with him and I thought I would be shouting and claiming you but when we talked, I understood why you love him. He's willing to let you go for me. He's willing to set you free for me even if he knows that he can win. Even if he knows that one word from him and you will leave me,"

"That's not true,"

"No, that's true, Chan. When we first met, I can't understand why you hate the world. You wouldn't let anyone 5 meters near you. I thought that you had some sort of history and you really piqued my interest so I was practically shoving my way in. And thank God you fell for me too. But Chan, sometimes, when you don't know, I see you staring in space. I see you holding a picture and tears would well in your eyes. Chan, I admit I would be jealous because I think that even if we were together, you were still looking for someone else. But all my doubts were erased when you proposed. But it came back when I saw you with him. I confonted him. And he was so goddamn nice and all. I understood why you still love him. And I thank you for still choosing me. I know I may never replace you in his heart, but thank you for choosing me. I love you and I know you love me too, it's just that he is something more."

"Thank you for understanding Lu. Really. Thank you."

As I have said, I'm already 65. Lu, by now, should've been 63, but he died 3 years ago.

Lu is perfect. He is the key to my tomorrow. I wouldn't have done it without him. He was the key to a brighter future. He was the key that I needed to proceed with life. He never spoke ill of me. He never judged me. He was always understanding. He understands that there are days of the year that I will go visit the cemetery. And that's when I visit Chanhyun. Baekhyun never left my side. His urn was in our house. Lu was the one who suggested we have it ther. He would accompany me and would bring our twin children along. I love him for his traits. I love him for helping me go on. I love him because even if he knows that I still have something for Baekhyun, he never left my side.

Now, back to the person in front of me, he was my moon. He was my guide in the dark. Even though the moon only borrowed it's own light, it still managed to guide people. Like my moon. Like my Baekhyun. Even though he's dead and gone, I know that he will always be there to guide me.

My love for Baek, is unfathomable. It's something that I can't explain.

And now as I sit before our son's grave with his ashes in my hand, I remember the times that we were together. The good and the bad times. I smile as I remember when he surprised me on my birthday but then I frown when I remember our arguments.

And then, despite that, I also remember him smiling face whenever I put him to sleep and that it calms me. It calms me whenever I see him smile.

And with the memory of her face, I lean back in my wheel chair and close my eyes. My daughters would be here soon. I closed my eyes and see him. My Baekhyun. The love of my life.

We didn't date. Technically he wasn't my ex-boyfriend. But he was an ex-something, ex-maybe, an ex-almost.

I sighed and let the wind take my soul away and lead it to him. Back to him. Back to my love. Back to him who always guided me.

My love would never end. It will always stay. Time may erase our memories, but it will never make our love fade. Because my love for him is something that is stronger than time, than destiny, than change.

"Yeol,"

I hear him. My love. He's calling out to me. I'm here, we would be together again.

Just a few more. 

I can finally be wi