Love is Blind

 

 

“What are you doing?” he calls from the bedroom door.

 

You’re on the bed, flipping through old photo albums, smiling at the faces you see there. Memories of carefree, happy days caught forever on small pieces of paper.

 

“Just looking at some old photos.” While I still can, you want to add, but don’t.

 

You feel him sit on the bed. His arms wrap around your waist and his head comes to rest on your shoulder.

 

“I don’t think I’ve seen these before.”

 

You continue looking at the photos, answering questions about them when he asks, but mostly just sitting in comfortable silence.

 

You reach the last page and close the album, setting it aside. You feel tears start to gather in your eyes. You want to fight them, but aren’t sure if you have the strength anymore. You keep silent even as the tears finally fall down your face. You don’t want him to know you’re crying. His arms wrap tighter around your waist as he brings his head around to kiss your cheek. You know he can taste the tears. He turns you around, bringing your face up to meet his eyes.

 

“What is it?”

 

“I’m just wondering if I’ll be able to remember all these pictures. That’s why I got them out. I want to try and memorize every single one.” You fight the sobs threatening to take over. “But I know that’s impossible. Once I can’t see them anymore, I’ll forget them. I know I will.”

 

Angry now, you shove all the albums and photos onto the floor. “What was the point? I took all these pictures for nothing. Part of me wants to just throw them all away. What good are pictures if you don’t have eyes to see them? I hate them, I hate it, I-”

 

He pulls you into his chest and holds you tight. You break down, sobs heaving from your chest and throat. You feel as though you are falling apart. Heart slowly, painfully being torn out and cast away with your tears. His arms the only thing holding you together.

 

“I don’t want to be blind Minsu. There are so many things I haven’t seen in the world, so many things I want to see. I don’t want to be blind, I don’t want to. I don’t want to baby…”

 

You wanted to forget it all, forget the news the doctor gave you. All you wanted in this moment was him, all you needed was him. You lift your face and press your lips to his with a sudden urgency you didn’t know you possessed. Your hands travel down to the hem of his shirt, grabbing it and trying to lift it over his head, but before you can he pulls back and takes your wrist in his hands.

 

“Not now love. You need to calm down first. It’s only been a few hours since we left the doctor’s office. You need time to let the information process before-”

 

“No baby. I need this. Please. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to see you. I don't know how long it will be before I can only see your face in my memories. Before that happens I want to etch your face, your body, every single tattoo so deeply inside of me that I won’t be able to forget if I tried. I want to be with you, I need to be with you.” You bring your lips up to his neck; trailing pleading, persuading kisses down his throat. “Make love to me, Minsu-yah, please. I want to see the look in your eyes when you’re on top of me. I want to see your face when you come inside me. Please. While I am still able to see you, please do this for me.”

 

He brings your face up from his neck and looks into your eyes for what feels like an eternity. You see the tears he is fighting off, and that hurts you. You never wanted to cause him pain, but you know it is pointless. You bring your hands up to his face and wipe away the few tears that managed to escape.

 

“Please baby, please.”

 

His lips meet yours then, in a kiss that feels as though he is kissing you for the last time. He cradles you in his arms as he lays you down on the bed. Soft kisses are left all over your body as he slowly removes your clothing one piece at a time.

 

When he enters you, you hold his face and won’t let him look away. You don’t allow yourself to close your eyes, trying to blink as little as possible. You never want to forget how he looks right now. Never want to forget how his eyes shine when you come around him, bringing his right behind.

 

He holds you in his arms and finally falls asleep while you run your fingers through his soft, raven locks. This is what I’ll miss the most, you think. This is what will be the hardest to lose. To never be able to see him again is a fate almost worse than death. Almost, you think, as you feel his arms pull you tighter against him, but not worse than never feeling his body lying next to yours. As long as he is here, you might just be able to live without sight.

 

Before you drift off, listening to the sound of his breathing, you wonder what dreaming will be like when your world goes black?

 

-

 

Two weeks have passed and your peripheral vision has almost completely disappeared. You’re watching TV on the couch with Minsu’s head on your lap. You feel something touch your cheek and you jump, startled. You look to see it was just his hand. He lifts his head up to look at you.

 

“You didn’t see my hand, did you?”

 

You’ve been trying to hide how much sight you’ve already lost from him. You didn’t want him to worry and more than he already was. You try to make a joke.

 

“I was focused on the TV. Plus, with all those tattoos you basically have camouflage. You just startled me.”

 

He rolls his eyes.

 

“Don’t lie to me. You couldn’t see my hand just then. How bad has it gotten?”

 

You sigh. “Baby-”

 

“Tell me truth. Please.”

 

“…Almost all my peripheral vision is gone. I can see what is in front of me, and that’s pretty much it.”

 

He sits up completely then and stares into your eyes.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

You shrug.

 

“There is nothing to tell Minsu. The doctor said this was going to happen. He said I’d be able to see for about another three months, six if I was lucky. We knew this was going to happen.”

 

“Not this fast though. It hasn’t even been a month and it’s already to this stage.”

 

“It’s been longer than a month. My vision was already going when you finally made me go to the doctor. It’s okay, really. I’m getting used it. I just have to be more careful where I walk, and put my hands and such. It’s fine.”

 

“It’s not fine.  How can you say that? Nothing about this is fine.”

 

You see the tears start to gather in his eyes, and feel your eyes well up in response.

 

“Don’t cry baby... Please.” You reach up to wipe his tears away, leaving your hand on his cheek. “I don’t want to see you cry.”

 

He pulls you into his arms suddenly, crushing you against him.

 

“You don’t have to be so strong you know. I know you’re scared, and that’s okay. I’m scared too. But I’m here for you baby, I’m here.”

 

He pulls back and wipes at the tears that are now streaming down your face.

 

“Don’t hide from me. You can tell me how you really feel. I want you to tell me when you get angry or frustrated because of your sight. It’s okay. It’s expected. When you want to cry because of it, I’ll be there to wipe your tears away. I promise. Don’t feel like you have to be strong right now, especially not for me. I’ll be strong enough for both of us. So, you don't need to worry, okay?”

 

You can only nod before you hide your face in his chest. Finally allowing yourself to show him your tears.

 

That night as he holds you, you fall asleep talking about all the places you’ve ever wanted to see. All the places that now you’ll never be able to see. You don’t say that last part out loud, you don't want him to know you are thinking it, but you know he is thinking it too.

 

-

 

A few days later you’re sitting on the couch reading a book when you hear your bedroom door close. You can't see Minsu as he walks past you to the foyer, but you can hear him. He sets something down, and you look to find two suitcases, zipped up and waiting by the door.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

He comes over to where you are sitting and lifts you off the couch by your arms before heading towards the door.

 

“Come on, we need to hurry or we’ll miss the plane.”

 

“What plane? Babe, what’s going on?”

 

He grabs your face in his hands and brings his lips down to yours for a chaste kiss before pulling away.

 

“I’m going to show you the world love. Everything we talked about the other night. I want us to go see it, together. I want to show you as much as I can with the time we have left.”

 

He holds your hand tightly and leads you out the door as tears fall down your face.

 

-

 

Three months later and your vision is nearly gone now. As the weeks passed you gradually became more and more dependent on Minsu’s hand holding yours. You went everywhere you could have imagined and more. And he was there through it all, holding you up when your lack of sight made you stumble, and comforting you on the nights when you couldn’t stop the tears from falling. Tears of fear that if you closed your eyes and let the darkness take you, you wouldn’t be able to find the light in the morning.

 

One night, you are standing on a balcony, looking out at the night sky. You try not to think thoughts like that this may be your last time, but it happens anyway. 

 

Minsu comes up behind you and holds you in your favorite way, with his arms around your waist and his head on your shoulder.

 

“What are you thinking about?”

 

“Nothing really. Just watching the stars.”

 

You feel him tilt his head to look up at the sky.

 

“There are no stars tonight baby, its overcast.” He sighs. “I thought you weren’t going to hide from me anymore. I know how bad it's gotten. Now what were you really thinking about?”

 

You stay silent for a moment, looking down as you trace your fingers over his tattooed muscles, wondering yet again if this could be the last time you see the beautiful artwork all over his body.

 

You feel tears start to run down your cheeks. “I was wondering what it will be like when I’m blind. I was thinking about how I’m afraid of not being able to see anymore.” You turn around in his arms.  “I was wondering if I'll be able to remember all this, if I’ll remember your face?”

 

“Of course you will.”

 

“You say that now."

 

You look up into his eyes, searching. Trying to find something in there that will let you know everything is going to be alright.

 

"Do you know what scares me most? The fear that I won’t be able to find your love anymore, that I won’t remember what it looks like.” You choke back a sob. “I don’t want to forget that, baby.”

 

He chuckles slightly, as he wipes the tears off your cheeks. “That’s not going to happen.”

 

“How can you know that Minsu-yah? How can you be so sure?”

 

“Because,” he says as he brings his lips down to yours. When you are a hair’s breath from each other he whispers:

 

“You don't see love with your eyes; you see it with your heart.”