He hurried home quickly. Dark clouds were gathering in the sky and howling sounds of the wind were heard. Knowing that rain may fall soon, he hurried up his pace, clutching his briefcase as he made his way to the subway station . On his way, he bumped into people, mumbling “sorry” under his breath as he squeezed his way out among the huge crowd of people who were in rush too. The streets were unusually crowded and busy, too packed for his liking.

XiuMin never liked crowded places. He enjoyed quiet. More precisely, he liked being alone. He was a naturally quiet person. It was a trait inherited from both of his parents. Normally, people dreaded loneliness because they felt insecure. However, it was an exception for XiuMin. He dealt with loneliness really well. In fact, he enjoyed it a lot. Spending time alone made him feel much relaxed and happier because he did not need to mask himself up to suit others. Because of that, he avoided going to crowded spots by all means.

The bustling streets. The screeching sounds of motor vehicles. The deafening sounds of people talking. Everything made his head go dizzy. He was overwhelmed by those things. If he was given a choice, he would rather stay in the countryside, doing jobs that require minimum contact others. He would definitely not choose to work in the city as a manager of a top listed financial company. Despite disliking his working environment here, XiuMin stayed in the company simply because he was paid handsomely. No other reasons.

XiuMin has been a bright student. He passed all his examinations with flying colors and ended up a good job in the city. Yet he didn’t quite remember how his school life was.

XiuMin’s working life always followed the same pattern, waking up six in the morning, getting to work by eight, having lunch at twelve noon and getting off work by five in the afternoon. His lifestyle has not changed a bit ever since he has become a part of the working class.

Irritated and annoyed with the crowd, XiuMin pulled a long face while waiting for the subway train at the platform.  He was getting anxious as minutes passed. Due to an unknown reason, he felt suffocated. His breath hitched as he tried to breath in more oxygen. He hummed his favorite song to himself in attempt to calm himself down. His heart was beating irregularly fast.

“Thump…Thump…Thump…” He could hear his heartbeat drumming against his ears.

“Breathe, breathe. It’s okay.” XiuMin whispered to himself.

In a black puff of smoke, he disappeared from the subway station, leaving the people surrounding him dumbfounded.

When XiuMin reopened his eyes, he found himself no longer in the subway station, but in a warm cozy apartment. He blinked multiple times as his feet were rooted to the ground before his brain registered to what had actually happened. He glanced around before verifying and accepting the truth that he was in a totally unfamiliar apartment.

“XiuMin,” a voice behind XiuMin stated calmly.

XiuMin almost had a mini heart attack when the voice suddenly rang in his ears. He turned around and found a man about his age leaning against the wooden door frame, smiling smugly.

After a few moments of awkward silence between the two grown men, XiuMin decided to break the silence.

“Where am I?”

“My apartment,” the man said as he walked towards XiuMin.

“And you are…?”

“Chen.”

“Oh.” XiuMin gave a small nod. He was quite sure that he had seen this man and heard that name somewhere else before but he couldn’t recall it.

Chen stared XiuMin intensely as XiuMin shifted uncomfortably under the former’s piercing gaze.

“I’m glad that you’re here,” Chen said as he gave XiuMin a bone-crushing hug.

XiuMin’s body tensed at Chen’s sudden action but relaxed as soon as he inhaled the familiar cinnamon scent radiating from Chen’s body. The scent soothed XiuMin and made him felt at home. Safe and sound.

“Don’t you remember me?” Chen asked when he pulled away.

XiuMin gave him a confused look.

“No? Not at all?” Chen asked dejectedly.

“I’m sorry. I really don’t.”

“That’s okay.” Chen gave him a small smile but the swirling emotions in his eyes said otherwise.

XiuMin’s heart aches at the sight of Chen trying to mask his sadness away.

“I think I’ve seen you before. You look like a camel.” XiuMin tried to cheer him up with his remark.

“Good to hear that. At least you have a faint memory of me.”

“Have we met before?” XiuMin looked into Chen’s eyes.

“Yes and no.”

XiuMin arched an eyebrow.

“It all depends on you.” And again, Chen enveloped XiuMin in his embrace and kissed him.

“Whaaat? Whhhy?” XiuMin tried to push Chen away but Chen tightened his embrace around XiuMin’s torso.

“Shush, Minnie. Please. Just once.”  Chen begged.

“He called me Minnie?” XiuMin thought.

That rang a bell in XiuMin’s mind. Everything seemed familiar.  XiuMin froze and stopped fighting against Chen. His conscious mind kept on telling him to push Chen away but his body was responding to Chen’s every kiss and touch naturally. His body refused to listen to his mind’s commands. He let Chen to kiss him, to touch him in a gentle manner.

Something was off.

XiuMin felt a strong connection between Chen and himself.

XiuMin knew Chen.

 

“Hey? I’m Chen. What’s your name?”  Chen nudged the young man sitting next to him in the school library.  

“XiuMin,” XiuMin whispered.

“Honestly, you look really cute.”

XiuMin blushed at Chen’s compliment.

“Now you look even cuter.” XiuMin’s face reddened and grew warmer.

“I….I got…gotta go....go now,” trying  to hide his blush from Chen, XiuMin stood up and left the library with his belongings.

“Hey!” Chen hollered at XiuMin when the latter left but he was scolded by the librarian for making noise in the library.

Their first encounter was at the high school library when they were both seventeen.

 

Being the mischievous and playful usual self, Chen snatched away a book XiuMin was reading in peace during their break.

“Give that book back to me!”

“Catch me if you wanna!”

“You better don’t let me catch you!”

“Come and catch me, Minnie.” Chen stuck his tongue at XiuMin who was chasing after him.

“Chen!!!! Get back here at once!”

“Noooooooo! I love it when you get pissed off. Haha.” Chen roared a laughter as he continued running away from XiuMin.

The two of them clicked in well and quickly became good friends, who were as close as biological brothers.

 

“Where are you dragging me to? We are supposed to have English lesson now, we should get back to class.”

“Just follow me.”

“But…..”

“No buts.”

“Chen?”

“Shush, Minnie. Please. Just once.”

Faint red blush crept on XiuMin’s cheeks when Chen addressed him his pet name, Minnie.

 

Sitting across each other, the two were doing some studying and revision for an upcoming examinations.

“Minnie.” Chen was trying to gain XiuMin’s attention.

“What?” XiuMin didn’t bother to look up at Chen as he was busy cramping some historical facts into his brain.

“I think I like you.” Chen pouted as he failed to get XiuMin’s attention.

“What?” This time, XiuMin looked up from his reference book with widen eyes.

Chen stood up and gave a quick peck on XiuMin’s lips. XiuMin was so surprised and startled that his mind went blank. His whole night of efforts was wasted, courtesy to Chen who was smiling smugly across the table.

“Yea. I like you.” Chen stated calmly.

“Is this a confession?” XiuMin asked jokingly, trying to suppress his shock.

“Yes. This is a confession. I like you when I first saw you. After spending my days with you, I realized that you are a very wonderful person. Your great personality has made me to fall in love with you. Minnie, I love you. Please be mine.” Chen said truthfully as he took hold of XiuMin’s hands.

XiuMin gaped at Chen’s straightforwardness and calmness, unable to reply Chen.

“I assume that you agree to that.” Chen leaned closer and devoured XiuMin’s lips for the first time.

 

Both of them lived the happiest moments of their lives as a happy couple. The days they spent together were as sweet as honey.

“Missing me?”

“Nope.”

“That hurts. A lot.” Chen stabbed an imaginary knife at his heart.

“Chen, you are being so dramatic.”

“I’m not talking to you.”

“Yes you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Come on, don’t be such a kid.”

“Go away.”

“Hey? You knew better how I feel. Stop acting like this.”

“Go away. I’m mad at you.”

 

“Should we go on a trip to the beach? It’s summer. Look at the sun. I can imagine how good it feels when we take a dip in the seawater. Excited?” Chen suggested.

XiuMin wore no expression on his face as he looked at Chen, shrugging his shoulders.

“Minnie, don’t be such a killjoy!”

“I wasn’t doing anything!” XiuMin defended himself.

“You weren’t responding to me!” Chen let out a whine.

“I am now. Happy?” XiuMin couldn’t help but to roll his eyes.

“You always look the cutest when you are pissed off. Haha.”

“Chen, stop that this instant.” XiuMin’s voice was stern.

“Minnie~ You know what, I love you.”

 

“Why do you like me? You see, I’m not that good looking or popular…”

“Why are you asking this out of the sudden?”

“Just answer me.  Be honest.”

“Because you are cute.”

“Cute? Are you talking about me? I’m cute?”

“Hey Minnie, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.

“That’s not an answer. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

“I’m just feeling a bit insecure about this, our relationship. Nothing.”

“You’re thinking too much. Be cool. Remember that I’ll always be there for you.”

“Promise?” XiuMin sticked his pinky finger out.

“Who is being a kid now?” Chen chuckled but he earned a smack from XiuMin in his head.

 

 

“LuHan was telling you the truth, XiuMin.”

“Aww, come on. Stop pranking on me.”

“I wasn’t pranking on you. Do I look like as if I’m doing so?”LuHan ran a hand through his blonde hair.

“Lu, you’re such a great actor.You too, Soo.”

“XiuMin. Neither do I or LuHan are playing a prank on you.”KyungSoo’s tone was serious.

“Okay?” XiuMin crossed his arms and shrugged his shoulders.

“XiuMin.”

“You guys are being too serious. Shall we have a drink at the bar and get drunk? Chill off a bit? It’s my big day! I’ll call Chen to meet us there.”

“XiuMin! Face it!” LuHan snapped and dragged XiuMin to the hospital, ignoring the latter’s protests.

He didn’t want to.

 

“Sweet dreams, Chen.”

“Sleep tight, Minnie.”

“I will as long as you’re here. I can’t imagine my life without you.”

“Silly, I’ll be forever by your side no matter what happens.”

“You are such an illogical sweet talker. ‘Forever’ doesn’t exist. We’ll definitely part one day.”

“I’m not a sweet talker. I’m just speaking the truth. By the way, love is an illogical thing. Stop thinking straight for this moment. Now, sleep.”

“I’m glad that I met you. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He fell asleep in Chen’s warm embrace each night after soft whispers of sweet nothings were exchanged. It has been a daily need for XiuMin to fall in a deep slumber listening to Chen’s sultry voice.

 

“Wake up.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Sleepyhead, get up.”

“Five more minutes, please.” XiuMin snuggled closer to Chen as he whined like a puppy.

“Fine, Minnie.” Chen chuckled and planted a soft kiss on XiuMin’s forehead.

“What’s for breakfast?”XiuMin mumbled in his sleep.

“You.” Chen whispered but it went unnoticed to the sleeping lover.

 

“Up! Up! Up! Wake up.”

“Aww…” XiuMin groaned.

“Rise and shine!”

“Just…”

“No. Five minutes have already passed. Time’s up. Wake up.”

“Pleeeease?”

“Up now or I’m gonna leave bright red marks all over your body.”

“You won’t dare to.” XiuMin’s voice was muffled against Chen’s chest.

“Try me.” Chen attempted to lean closer and leave his marks on XiuMin’s collar bones.

“Fine. I’m up now.”

“Good. Shall we proceed to breakfast time?” Chen’s eyes glinted mischievously.

He was greeted by his very energetic smiley Chen as soon as he cracked his eyes open. It has been a daily habit for him to wake up listening to Chen’s steady heartbeat each sunrise.

 

He was the happiest man on earth.

 

Everything happened too quickly in a blink of eye. Right a few hours ago, XiuMin was snuggling cosily against Chen’s chest while Chen was nuzzling XiuMin’s  nape in their bed.

 

His Chen has gone away.  

His Chen won’t be able to come home to XiuMin.

Not anymore.  Forever.

 

God has taken Chen’s life away in a car accident. He was hit by a drunk truck driver when he was on his way home to celebrate a very meaningful occasion to the couple.

It was their fifth year together as lovers.

That dreadful long night, XiuMin waited for Chen’s return expectantly but the latter never had the chance to show himself up at their doorstep.

Instead, their best friends, LuHan and KyungSoo showed up with anxiety written all over their faces at his doorstep.

“We’re running out of time! Come on, let’s go to the hospital now. We tried to contact you but the call went unanswered.” KyungSoo dropped the bad news.

“ I left my cell phone at my working place. Guys, calm down. What’s going on?” XiuMin frowned and threw the two males a questioning look.

“Chen was involved in a car accident. He’s in a critical condition now. ” LuHan stepped forward and gave XiuMin a hug.

“Wow. What a surprise! Hmm… Tell me, what’s Chen up to this time? ” XiuMin pulled away.

“We are serious. He was hit a by a truck driver. Come with us to the hospital now or we’ll be too late for everything.”

“LuHan? Is this a joke made up by Chen and you guys?”

“LuHan was telling the truth, XiuMin.”

 

XiuMin had sensed something wrong earlier. His heart was beating quicker than usual and his palms were sweaty as he waited for Chen’s return from work. Trying to calm himself, he took a quick cold shower but to no avail. In fact, he got more anxious as the time ticked.  His mind was telling him that something bad was going to happen soon  but he chose to ignore it.

“It’s our fifth anniversary. Nothing bad will happen, right?” he mumbled to himself as he paced in their shared flat.

 

In less than 15 minutes, the trio arrived at the hospital but things were too late. Chen had left them after an hour of fighting and struggle to survive due to excessive blood loss in the Emergency Room.

 

Chen left XiuMin without saying a proper goodbye for the last time.

“See you later at night.” Chen was putting on his leather shoes.

“I’ll be waiting for you.”XiuMin  pecked on Chen’s lips before they left the flat together and parted for work.

Nothing was left behind for XiuMin but a silver ring which the goner had bought on the same day for his one and only Minnie and a handwritten letter from Chen.

 

For my Minnie,

Happy fifth anniversary! Look what I’ve gotten for you! A silver ring. Do you like it?

We have gone through sweet and bitter moments together for the past five years. I’m grateful that I’ve fallen in love with you. This was the best thing happened in my entire life. For the upcoming fifty years, would you still be my side? Future is unpredictable but it doesn’t matter as long as we cherish the moments we spend together.

I want to let you know that I love you.

Love,

Chen.

 

XiuMin refused to accept the fact that Chen has left him eternally. He had not spoken a word since he saw Chen’s lifeless body lying on the bed. His once happy world shattered into million pieces. All the colors of his life faded. From the moment he touched Chen’s pale cold face, he shrunk back into his own shell and shut away from others.

 

The loss was agonizing to XiuMin. He could not function properly as a normal human being. He lived his days in depression for months after Chen’s funeral. Days and nights , he did nothing but cried his heart out in despair.

“Why did this happen to me? Why? Why must I be the one who suffers?” Tears streamed down his cheeks as his breath hitched.

How he wished that Chen was there to calm him down.

XiuMin practically drowned himself in crystal clear liquids of grief and devastation. His once plump chubby cheeks have sunken in, leaving his cheekbones prominently protrusive.

 

“You know what?” Chen paused.

“What?” XiuMin threw Chena questioning look.

“ I’m thinking of getting a hamster as my pet. Hamsters are so irresistibly  cute, aren’t they?”

XiuMin hummed in response as Chen continued.

“Whenever I look at those bright shiny big round eyes of a hamster, my heart melts and my knees go weak. Those eyes are literally begging me to give more love attention and love to it. Awwwwww…. I can picture myself holding a hamster in my hands. So cute and adorable. The soft fur  rubbing warmly against my palm. It feels so good as if I’m in Euphoria.”

“...”

“Hey, are you even listening? Hello? Are you here, Minnie?”Chen waved his palm in front of XiuMin playfully.

“You are talking about hamsters. What response should I give to you?” XiuMin quirked an eyebrow.

“Minnie sugarbaby, don’t you get it?”

“What?”

“Hamster.”

“I know you were blabbering all about hamsters. So?”

“I was talking about you.”

“Me?”

“Yes, baby hamster. I’m talking about you.”

“Did you just called me a hamster?!?!”

“Not exactly. It was ‘baby hamster’, not hamster, sweetheart.”Chen nodded his head.

“You called me ‘it’, didn’t you?”

“Well, a hamster is an animal, right?” Chen shrugged.

“I’m not a hamster and I don’t grow fur.”

“But baby, you resemble a cute hamster a lot. And you grow hair. Soft and silky ones. We both know that.”

XiuMin frowned at Chen.

“Right, you are far cuter than a hamster.”

“I’m not cute. Don’t call me cute. I’m never cute. Not at all!”

“Awww… Look at those cheeks. So chubby and squishy.” Chen let out his hands and pinched XiuMin’s cheeks.

“Get your hands off me. “XiuMin tried to pry his hands away.

“You look cute even though you’re mad.Ooh , my heart can’t withstand your cuteness. Sweetnesss overload. I’m gonna get diabetes later. Stop being so cute and adorable, would you? You are going to kill me!”

“Shut up,you  jerk.”

“What? Do you want to ? It’s my pleasure to help you with that, sir. “ Chen grinned from ear to ear.

“That was not what I said, you moron.” XiuMin’s face and ears grew red.

“Baby hamster is mad now.”

“Stop calling me hamster when I’m not one.”XiuMin protested with all his might.

“Baby hamster. Baby hamster. Baby hamster.” Chen giggled.

“Not funny.”XiuMin pouted as he gave Chen an uninterested look.

“Now see who whines like a newborn hamster who seeks for warmth from its mother.”

“Not talking to you.”

Chen’s chubby  baby hamster is gone.

 

The thought of moving on made XiuMin felt extremely guilty. Deep inside his heart, he knew that Chen would want him to move on and live a better life. He wanted to move on and start a new life but he could not. He simply could not let go of the precious memories of his and Chen together. A part of him objected strongly on the idea of him forgetting the past and moving on while the other part of him urged him to do so. Those days, XiuMin suffered a lot.  Torn in between the two of ‘himself’ , he decided to put his struggles to an end. He wanted to forget his past.

“I shall join you later. Please be patient, Chen.” XiuMin whispered as he looked at the clear dark horizon through the glass panel. He had lost his reasons to live his life.

While holding the silver ring tightly in his left hand, he plopped a handful of sleeping pills into his mouth, in hope of having a deep long slumber. An everlasting slumber which he would never wake up from.

 

Luckily, LuHan and Kyung Soo happened to drop by XiuMin’s flat to check on his wellbeing.

“ I hope we don’t find XiuMin bawling his eyes again. The last time we checked on him , he was a crying mess. A total mess.” Kyung Soo was unlocking the door of XiuMin’s flat.

“Me too.”LuHan let out a long sigh.

 

 

Finding the flat unusually quiet as they unlocked the door They found him lying in the bedroom with an empty sleeping pills bottle beside him. Knowing what exactly XiuMin was trying to do, they sent him to the hospital in a lightning speed.

“XiuMin tried to kill himself.” KyungSoo gasped.

“He’s still breathing. Rush to the hospital now.”LuHan said.

 

He found himself in an empty room where the walls were painted in ivory white. He glanced around. There weren’t any other object found in the room. He was the sole “object” in the room.

“Hello?” Feeling uneasy, he called out.

He received no reply.

“Walk

XiuMin woke up after a few days.

 

He didn’t seem to have a memory about Chen and the days he spent with Chen. Not at all. His subconscious mind had wiped Chen off completely from his memory in order to protect himself from further mental damage and hurt. The memories with Chen were locked and stored deep in the core of his brain.

He didn’t want to remember and suffer anymore.

Ever since he was discharged from the hospital, he barely spoke to others. XiuMin started a life of a loner since then. He moved out of the flat he and someone shared to a smaller one because it was too empty and huge for him. Feeling uncomfortable dealing with people, he kept minimal contact with others including his friends and colleagues.

He felt happier this way. Or he thought so.

 

“Chen.” XiuMin managed to croak out dryly.

The locked and forbidden memories hit XiuMin like a tornado. He remembered things he didn’t want to. Old memories of Chen and him together which he had repressed for years played in his mind like a broken tape. Their first encounter, the lessons they had in high school, Chen’s confession, the walks by the Han River at late nights and ….. Everything came back to him.