He sat there on his chair motionless. Watching s, watchings s from afar. He could barely breath, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t do anything but look to his beloved members, who were by his side all these years.

He remembered, their first meeting and how fast they became friends. How they walked the unknown streets of Seoul together, which became as familiar as s. How they trained day and night to debut. Their debut stage, their happiness. The lonely days when they had to go to Japan and truly could rely only on each other to get by. The love they received from their fans. When they stood on the stage and their fans screamed for them. The crushing feeling, when they noticed their fanbase got smaller. How hard they worked on their newest album, how much of themselves they poured in. And only to be defeated again, to be reduced to trainees again. But always, always with s by his side.

He never minded being reduced to trainee again, if that meant to rescue Nu’est to, rescue s. But now he was sitting here alone. None of s were here. Not even Jonghyun, only he himself made it, survived. Alone. His heart, it was hurting so much. He barely realised, how people came to congratulate him. He didn’t want to, he didn’t deserve to be there. Not alone.

And suddenly he stared into Dongho’s eyes, who told him he was proud and happy that at least someone made it …. and he couldn’t hold back his pain anymore. He started to cry and just wanted to disappear, just wanted to be alone because Dongho wouldn’t be by his side anymore.

And then he saw Jonghyun coming to him. His felt like his heart was bursting from all the pain now. When he reached to hug Jonghyun he couldn’t look him into the eyes, because he knew he would completely break down, his shattered heart for everyone to see. And he wanted to apologize he wanted to but only an inarticulate mumbling was leaving his mouth. But even without words Jonghyun understood and hugged him tightly for a moment before he had to let go. But he didn’t want Jonghyun to leave, he didn’t want all these other people beside him, he only wanted s.

And Minki, where was Minki? He moved to hug the youngest member, who was smiling at him as well. Why was Minki smiling? All s only had love for him, congratulated him and he felt even more sorry that they had to comfort him, when it should be the other way around. But the pain in his heart left him unable to.

When they finally were alone, after long weeks finally back to their home, with Aron by their side away from their managers, from cameras, from the news … he was finally able to calm down. Calm down to hug them again, but not because he needed the comfort but because he knew, they needed it as well. The disappointment, the self-loathing because they felt they failed him and, failed Nu’est he had to take it away. And so, they piled all their pillows and cushions into the living room. They didn’t talk, just hugged each other and willed the pain to go away. At least a little. Tomorrow would be a new day. Tomorrow they would deal with all the things thrown at them. Together.