Have you ever read so many fanfictions in your life that even meeting him is like a fiction?

Before meeting him, I imagined so many scenarios, meeting him, being friends with him and being there for him. Maybe my expectation was too high, that it broke me. I Keep asking myself what we were, was it true or if its only me.

I met him on a sunny day in a beautiful city Budapest, it was the second last stop before the end of his world tour. It´s was my first time seeing them that close, it was the very first time anyone made me trembled so much. I wasn’t the most pretty one among the fans, everyone had this day planned. We didn’t, it was out of the blue. My friends and I were overtired from standing waiting at numbering at 5am that day. And we decided, why not go see them. We could still catch their landing time. I made myself pretty and presentable, doing natural brow and lip tint. Al naturel. And the black mask every kpop idols wear. I was wearing black t-shirt and jeans that day, nothing special. Other fans were wearing beautiful clothing. And viola, they were walking right infront of us, I kept quite until Yongguk came past me, I half whispered yelled his name. It was instinct, like when someone call you. But it made me giggle, that he turned his head a little. As fans you follow them all the way out, so did i. Because I am just a fan.

When the guys were all boarded at their Van, I would catch them looking at my direction. I was still shaking, and looking happily at my friends. To be honest… maybe they did look at me, since all the fans started covering, being so little it was easy. But they would still look, I kept questioning myself, my friend and other fans. That if they sense something weird at the airport. And hell they all showed me fancams at Youngjae and Himchan looking at my direction. So maybe its half imagination and half true.

Even after they left they still left me shaking and hyper. Making me imagine things beyond the universe while getting ready at the actual concert. It was rushed, we didn’t have enough time to get ready, I forget my lace kimono at the hotel, and left with a hoodie instead. And hot it was, so there I was wearing a white jeweled bralette. I had no other choice, either be sweaty or y.

I choose to be y and run to the very front row, we were lucky. We were at the front, just one meter away from the stage. It was a blessing. Some fans saw Himchan looking out at the crowd before the concert start. Little me could not see.

The concert started, and we were jamming. A song that left an impression on me was Stay, B. shoo played a remix of it. Later I figured out why, destiny do have a way to tell you something.

The real thing started, the boys came out walking like god´s in line. It looked cool, my eyes could not focus on any of them, I didn’t know where to look. But hell I looked at Junhong most of the time. I didn’t even notice who was exactly infront of me. But he was always on my side, funny but maybe it’s part of the show. I would always catch his eyes on mine, and always at my side. By then I figured out something was odd, it’s not normal fan service anymore. Nothing at that concert was normal. Funny that Junhong completely ignored me, I didn’t even get anything from Youngjae or the other guys. But him. He was always, and always there… at my side, trying to look cool. But then eventually look shyly away, when I catch him looking at me. But again I was not sure at myself and asked my friend beside me, being the one with fancams, it indeed true that he is constantly looking at me. I ignored those sign, and focused on having fun. At the time it was time to play with water guns, I playfully showed him a stop sign, he smiled at me and nodded yes. At the whole concert he didn’t shoot me with that green gun of his. And I playfully shoot him instead with my fingers. It was all fun, but that one thing that made me wondering. Was it pure fan service? Even though his stare was different. Not a normal look at fans, something more.

At the last song I actually allowed him to shoot water at us, only because my friend wanted too. I called him and pointed at my friend, he did shoot. And even gave me a towel, but my friend catches it because I was slow but he looked at me throwing it. So Thank you friend, thinking of it now how funny would we have looked for him.

The funny fact is, he made me so relaxed by doing those favors. That meeting at the high touch and photo op was not something I was nervous about. Heck I was nervous of meeting the other member, but myself just relax by him. He at the table was the only person I was not shy to. I even signaled a gun hand while winking stupidly. Like I would change instantly infront of him, at the other I was back to being shy. At the photo up, my plan was not even standing beside him. My friend and I had a plan to stand next to Junhong and Yongguk even though, we didn’t get any fan service from them. But then all of the sudden I was lost infront of them, everyone was hurrying finding a best spot which was beside them of course. But like in movies, in slow motion I met eyes with him. And no one was beside him and again in slow motion I walked up to him beside Jongup. In my quirkily voice I said hello in Korean, and he must have heard it and ruffled my hair. He placed his hands on my shoulder and was ready for that picture. And I asked motioned Jongup to make a heart but he didn’t get the memo, and luckily He saw it and told Jongup to make a heart with me. The photo session was quick, I turned around and waved happily at him, weird that he is the only person I remember looking at. Until my friends dragged me away.

With heavy heart I leave the venue. And wait outside for his van like a typical fan.

Few minutes after the van come out, I couldn’t see him and I honestly didn’t look much at the van, but at my friend who was almost hit by the car. She was too hyped with getting attention from them that she could die right away.

The van left and we left happy this time. Wanting to go out and explore at night. But at the end we didn’t. I still couldn’t forget him, the eyes and look he gave me. So in a way I wanted to greet him goodnight. And I did, I posted a instagram story wearing a t-shirt and wrote Goodnight and tagged him and it send as a DM. The next morning, I did a brief walking and I actually met Junhong. Nothing special, he just looked me, and maybe thought I looked familiar. I didn’t get any special feelings though. In the end he was not the one I wanted to see for the last time... I keep asking and praying to see him. In the end, I didn’t see him.

I Took the tram back to the hotel, without looking back. Funny thing the tram broke. And we needed to walk to the next station. I took it as a sign to stay, but I couldn’t. My wallet cannot handle the burden anymore. But deep inside I wanted to, I really wanted to. Because I regret it so much to this day.

I left Budapest with a heavy heart, not wanting to leave anything or anyone behind. But reality was calling. I should have enjoyed seeing his face a little more, I should have captured those moment.

Since I was too sad to look at my DM, I didn’t check it until the next day. I was already back in reality. Just to see that he has saw my picture and my message. My friend and I thought it was an accident, he didn’t actually see it or maybe his phone was stolen. I send him another story where he was tagged, saying going back to my country. And within an hour he saw it. At that time, I was asking myself if this is true, I started asking around anonymous about fan story and nothing.

To be honest in total I sent him five story where he was tagged, he saw them all. But after that five he stopped.

Desperate for an answer I keep sending him message, which was wrong of me. I wanted him to see me as a woman. And now maybe he doesn’t.

It was wrong of me, but his update in insta somehow gave me some answer. I asked him if he is ignoring me, and if he was busy. An hour later he uploads a picture with a caption “Company”, no one knows not even me if it’s for me. He never allowed me to see a “seen” message at every DM I sent him, after number five. Or maybe the song recommendation of “chocolady” was about me, or for me.

At this point he is the only one that knows all the question I have, yet I can’t ask him.

Because he is him and I am me

A fan and an idol

A fantasy

A memory that hurts me deeply that i just silently just admire him from afar. My heart felled so hard that I am now not able to call myself a fan anymore. I am nothing.

But one thing that is real is the stares and smiles we exchanged.

Kim Himchan

I pray that you will find peace of mind and I’ll find you another time.

I promise, I’ll love you another time.

Yours sincere

CH.