To Kai, 

 

I guess I’m never going to get the answers I’ve been waiting for all this time, am I?

 

I shouldn’t be crying over you. I don’t normally do this. There’s only a certain amount of people who should ever make me cry, and you’re definitely not one of them: one, because you can’t even find it in you to care for me and make sure I’m okay - to take responsibility for all that you did - and two, because I thought you would never hurt me like this, not to this extent.

 

I get it. Relationships aren't perfect. They have their moments - their ups and downs - but people don't go around intentionally trying to destroy others, especially not their significant others.

 

If you wanted to get rid of me so badly, why didn’t you just say something? It could have been as simple as “I don’t want to be with you anymore,” and I would have let you go. It would have stung a bit, but you know that I would have, no questions asked. But the way in which you did it...why did you have to so cruel?

 

And perhaps it's my fault; I turned a blind eye to all the signs that I saw and that everyone else saw, too. You went around showering those around me with affection, but you didn't just choose anyone, no. You were wise and knew exactly who to go after - the ones you knew would cut the deepest.

 

It was all the pretty girls, the ones I had pointed out before, the ones that I secretly wished to be because they had all the qualities that you always wanted in a girl, the qualities that she had. You would hold them so intimately, your arms wrapped gently around their frame, your gaze fixed on them and only them, your memory of me long forgotten, all the while you knew that I was there, watching, aching.

 

Congratulations Kai, it worked. While you slept, I cried. I questioned myself every day, over and over again, asking myself what I could have possibly done wrong, if anything at all, for our relationship to go awry. And I shouldn’t have. I knew I shouldn’t have, not when I knew, deep down, that I wasn’t to blame for the way you were acting.

 

But I did, everyday, especially after those days when you would act like everything was fine, like everything would be okay. You would take me into your arms, under the sheets, with promises of a better tomorrow, your kisses and endearment effectively erasing all my worries and insecurities until you decided that I wasn’t what you wanted anymore, not for the time being, anyway, because she was around.  

 

Do you know how unfair this whole thing has been for me? I never had the luxury of running away like you did. I never had the luxury of expressing my anger, of throwing my own tantrums.

 

I never had the luxury of coming back whenever I wanted, but you did because you knew that I would allow you to do so. You would run off, ignore me for days on end, shove me out of the way whenever I wanted to talk things out, but whenever your anger blew over, you would come back, time and time again, without so much as an “I’m sorry.”

 

You knew I wouldn’t question it because as long as you were okay, we were okay, then I was okay. But i couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that because if I ran away, you wouldn’t accept me back. You’d keep me out, block me out, even if I wanted to return. If I cried in front of you, you would tell me to stop. Whether it was your guilt eating away at your conscience or your newfound immunity to my sadness that prompted such apathy, I’m not sure, but it hurt every time I was forced to suppress my feelings.

 

I couldn’t throw my own tantrums because my words hurt, and you of all people were never one to take words lightly. I know where to aim so that it feels like you’re falling apart, more than what your poor soul already is. I know everyone’s weakness and best believe I know yours, Kai, but I couldn’t say anything; you would have never found it in you to forgive me if I had allowed that to happen.

 

I think this bothers me so much to the extent that it does because why? Why did you start treating me this way?

 

“Sunah, what are you talking about?”

 

“Did I do something wrong?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you hate me?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then why have you been so distant towards me lately?”

 

“I don’t know. I’ve been distant towards everyone.”

 

Lies. You were so full of , and I was offended that you thought I didn’t know you well enough to see your true intentions. You’re only ever distant to those who don’t matter to you anymore, to those that you wish to cut off without having to tell them, but you sure as hell didn’t seem distant when you had her besides you in bed or when you walked out into the streets with her minutes after I had attempted to approach you and you said you needed some time to yourself. So cruel.

 

It was humiliating having to apologize simply for the sake of apologizing. I would wear my best apology in hopes of receiving one back, the one I so rightfully deserved, but nothing. You would hit me with an “It’s okay, don’t worry about it,” and send me on my way. As I left your room, with crystalline droplets streaming down my cheeks and unspoken words engraved on my heart, I couldn’t help but hope that you were treating her better - the way you treated me when you first tried to win me over - because at the end of the day, she was the one you wanted from the start, even before I came along and mended your broken heart: the same broken heart that she was responsible for in the first place.

 

I tried so hard, I gave this my all, and I know that at first, you did too, but I guess my efforts weren’t enough to keep you from her.

 

You took so much from me that I’ll never get back; I’ll never get any compensation for it, and that kills me because it shouldn’t have to be this way. I was promised so much and got nothing in return and even then, I doubted if I had it in me to let you go.

 

It took me a while, but I finally realized that I have to say goodbye because Kai, you left me hanging, desperate and alone, trying to grasp onto a hand that was no longer there. You took advantage of my kindness and played your cards right with me when things weren’t going well with the one you claimed to be the love of your life, but rest assured, it’ll never happen again

 

I won’t try to tie you down anymore because clipping your wings meant that I was clipping my own and Kai, I want to be free and fly.

 

Sincerely,

 

Mok Sunah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's note:
>>There isn't much to this as I've stated before that this is merely a way to release some pent up feelings that I've been carrying with me for a while, but thank you to those who stop by to read this, anyway. I might write a full length angsty fic inspired by this one-shot on my actual account, or I might come back and post it here as a side project. All that aside, feel free to comment down below. Have a good day!