PART II:

i. Make Me Love You

“A shadow from a ray of light in the darkness

Among more lonely times, I

Have been hesitating, unable to grab on

To the hand carefully reaching to me

I keep getting scared because of my fluttering heart

The night you secretly gave me your hand”

TAEYEON

The dorm is eerily silent when she unlocks the front door and crosses the threshold. The lights are off, allowing long shadows to roam the hallways and the entire dorm seems to be void of members’ lively presence. Taeyeon sighs, and remains standing at the doorway, making no signs of moving further into the dorm. After an eternity, she removes her shoes, lazily kicking them to the side and resigns to the notion of another quiet night in and moves towards the kitchen.

 

Perhaps she could look over the final tracklist for her album…again. She had probably scrutinised each and every track looking for any problems in her compositions, proof-reading them, but like the hundreds of times prior, she knew she would find no fault tonight. Because, as much as she didn’t want to admit to the technicians and producers of her company, they were ready.

 

“Aish, what’s taking her so lon—”

 

“AHHH!”

 

Taeyeon jumps as a cacophony of voices--each louder than the previous--greets her. She scrambles to grab the bottle of milk that had slipped from her grasp milliseconds prior and breathes a sigh of relief when her fingers find purchase on the bottle.

 

“TAE!!!”

 

Taeyeon’s heartbeat spikes again when Tiffany shrieks and jumps out from the shadows and into view, faintly illuminated by the light coming from the open fridge.

 

“Hello, Taeyeon-unnie...umm surprise???” Seohyun says weakly after Taeyeon had seemingly recovered from Tiffany’s entrance.

 

Upon seeing Taeyeon’s pale face, her wide rapidly blinking eyes and hands tightly clutching a milk bottle, Yoona bursts out laughing so hard that her tall form crumples to the floor, both hands clutching her stomach.

 

“Yoona! You ruined the surprise! Who the hell whispers so loudly?” Sooyoung complains, slightly disappointed that their plan failed and devolved into one lame jump scare.

 

“Did you see your face, Tae?” Yoona manages to get out between gasping breaths and upon imagining the sight, is hit by another wave of uncontrollable laughter.

 

At this, Sooyoung throws up her hands, indicating that she had given up on her group member.

 

“At least we tried.” Offers Tiffany sheepishly.

 

Taeyeon’s shock melts away into curiosity and she looks questioningly at the members. She takes in Yoona’s still laughing form, Sooyoung and Tiffany’s matching grins to Seohyun’s apologetic smile.

 

“What’s going on? Aside from almost freaking me out…”

 

Yoona smothers a chuckle with her hand and Taeyeon playfully glares at her this time.

 

“We wanted to celebrate your first solo music video shooting…Actually, it was more Sooyoung-unnie wanting to party.” Seohyun state matter of factly.

 

“Hey! It’s because of Taeyeon’s music video shooting!” Sooyoung protests upon hearing the maknae’s explanation.

 

As the voices around her continue to bicker, Taeyeon thinks back to her music video shoot. Thoughts of Krystal Jung’s animosity, swirl to the forefront of her mind and she’s not sure there’s anything to celebrate at all.

 

Taeyeon sighs.

 

“Is this a thing now?” Her tone is worn out, tired; as if covered by a heavy blanket weighing it down.

 

“What is?”

 

“Having parties so frequently?”

 

Tiffany frowns at her, concern painted on her face. The members fall silent.

 

“Do you want to talk about something? We don’t have to hold a party, Tae…we can just talk.”

 

The members slowly gather to huddle around, gently throwing their arms around her in the process.

 

“Yeah…that sounds good,” Taeyeon admits quietly, “Let’s just talk.”

 

They disentangle and shuffle, together, towards the living room. Yoona and Seohyun peel off to grab cushions from their rooms, whilst the rest of them settle down—making sure to leave space for the two youngest—on the floor of the lounge room. They sit in a tight circle, close enough for their knees to touch. Taeyeon bends her legs, and wraps her arms around her thighs, hugging them to her chest.

 

Sooyoung breaks the comfortable silence first.

 

“Well, today I went to the dance studio and spent 4 hours choreographing just for fun and practicing our routines for our songs. I guess I had a pretty relaxed day off.”

 

“That sounds far more productive than my day,” Tiffany says nonchalantly, “I sat around browsing the internet and watching random videos…”

 

“You guys are pretty lucky to have the day off. In the morning, I had language classes and then in the afternoon, I had vocal lessons.”

 

Sooyoung rests her arm around the maknae’s shoulders and pats Seohyun’s head sympathetically.

 

“No wonder, you’re such a smart maknae. They’re always giving you all these lessons,” Yoona playfully elbows the maknae. “My day was pretty busy too, I had to go to that photoshoot for the magazine…but those things are always the same I guess.”

 

Silence falls upon the group again and they wait patiently for Taeyeon, hoping that their leader will share with them what’s been troubling her.

 

“I…erm, I had my music video shooting.” Taeyeon trails off. She finds herself struggling to untangle the mess of thoughts in her mind, and she can’t seem to string together the right words to say; to express the chaos within.

 

Beside her, Sooyoung nods at her encouragingly.

 

Taeyeon takes a deep breath, trying to clear her thoughts.

 

“So, my coworker’s kind of…temperamental and she’s…”

 

“…A ?”

 

“Sooyoung! Language!”

 

Taeyeon gestures vaguely at Sooyoung’s comment.

 

“That’s one way of putting it. Krystal’s made it clear that she dislikes me. Enough to affect her professional conduct. She apologised for her behaviour after I called her out, and I thought we resolved the problem…but when her sister showed up…”

 

Taeyeon finds that she feels better as the words tumble out. Her pent-up frustration spills over into every word, freeing itself from the confines of her mind, and releasing her from its shackles.

 

Beside her, Tiffany stiffens, her head jerking slightly.

 

“It must be hard to having to work with her…don’t you have another day with her?” Yoona smiles and winces in sympathy for her.

 

“Don’t remind me please.” Taeyeon states as she rubs her temple trying to allay the pain that was beginning to manifest.

 

“Hmm, I find it interesting that she would accept this music video shoot if she hated you as much as you think. Maybe, there’s more to her.” Ever the rational one, the truth in Seohyun’s statement resonates with Taeyeon and thousands of questions flood her mind.

 

“Woah, I didn’t think of it like that…but it makes sense…” Yoona nods in agreement with the maknae’s statement. “She’s pretty famous, turning down your music video wouldn’t do any harm to her image and surely she would be invited to shoot other music videos as well.”

 

Taeyeon frowns.

 

“Tae, what Yoona’s trying to say that she had a choice and she decided to feature in your music video.”

 

The blonde idol sighs in resignation. Pushing back her natural curiosity, she reassures herself that she would only have to see Krystal Jung once more.

 

Only once more.

 

“We should do this more often.” Taeyeon says quietly, “Sometimes I’m so busy I forget to do my job as a leader and check on you guys. I’m sorry…”

 

“Taeyeon-unnie, you don’t need to worry about us, especially when you’re so stressed out with your solo activities. We worry about you too…”

 

“Aish, you kids…as long as you agree to make this a frequent thing, I will worry less.”

 

“Aye-aye captain!”

 

Taeyeon feels much better.

/

“You met Krystal’s sister?”

 

Tiffany’s voice floats through the darkness of their shared bedroom. The question sounds nonchalant enough but Taeyeon hears a hint of concern in Tiffany's voice confusing her further. She slowly sits upright, turning her body to face Tiffany’s bed and crosses her legs. In the dark, she makes out movement and finds Tiffany has decided to mirror her.

 

“Why do you ask?”

 

“…Just curious, I guess. I mean, she’s a successful fashion designer?”

 

Taeyeon finds Tiffany’s interest in Krystal’s sister strange, but keeps this thought to herself. Thinking back to the other Jung sister, Taeyeon feels conflicting emotions arise within, tugging and pulling in opposite directions. Jessica was polite but she hadn't been particularly friendly.

 

“Err, she's..." Taeyeon pauses, remembering the smell of roses, sharp delicate features and a sweet voice. "...Pretty."

 

The word inadverdently slides off her tongue and hangs in the air.

 

After realising what she had said, Taeyeon slaps her hand to , slightly surprised by herself. Warmth tingles across her cheeks and spreads to the tips of her ears. Suddenly, she's glad that its dark.

 

"I mean, she is related to a model...and she's polite, so that's a plus."

 

Tiffany's quiet.

 

"Tiff?"

 

"Huh? Oh yeah, Jessica Jung is pretty."

 

"Actually, how much do you know about Jessica? How come she's not a model like her sister?"

 

Tiffany doesn't miss the way Taeyeon's voice lightens upon mention of the older Jung sister.

 

"I just know she's back from the US and that's she's a reputable fashion designer who's already established a name for herself. If you're asking me why you couldn't have her for your music video instead..."

 

"That's not what I was implying, Tiff. Krystal just seemed extremely protective of Jessica that's all. I was just curious as to why that might be the case...but I guess you wouldn't know either."

 

Tiffany remains silent, biting her lip, and she fidgets with the corner of her covers; guilt gnawing at her conscience.

 

This was what Taeyeon choose she reminded herself.

 

"Yeah, I really don't know why Krystal Jung would act so unprofessionally. I'm sorry that you have to put up with it, Tae. I'm sure the creative director's not going to invite her again at least."

 

This was for Taeyeon's sake.

 

"We better get some sleep Tiff."

 

Taeyeon's sleepy voice cuts through the silence that had settled upon them.

 

"Good night then, Tae."

 

Tiffany hears rustling noises and finds that Taeyeon has returned to her lying position and was under her covers.

 

"Sleep well..."

 

Taeyeon mumbles the two words as she surrenders to the lull sleep.

/

She starts seeing Jessica everywhere. It almost drives her insane. A few days ago, she didn't even know the other girl existed and now it was like their lives were made to collide, their destinies somehow entwined. Deep down, Taeyeon’s sure she doesn’t really mind.

 

So when Taeyeon catches sight of the fashion designer standing there contemplating between two different brands of ramen in the grocery store that Taeyeon frequents, she is surprised but not that surprised.

 

Jessica is dressed casually in a striped button up shirt, loosely tucked into denim jeans. Her long brown hair falls to her shoulders and she has a pair of sunglasses resting atop her head.

 

Unlike the previous few times where she’d only caught glimpses of Jessica as the other disappeared into a car or into a building, Taeyeon’s faced with the dilemma of whether or not to approach the other girl.

 

The conversation she had with Tiffany in the darkness of her room, springs to mind.

 

Pretty.

 

Taeyeon furiously shakes away the thought.

 

Having finally decided, Jessica’s slim fingers close around the ramen packet, plucking it from the display. When she turns to leave, her gaze lands upon Taeyeon who was still standing at the other end of the aisle. A flash of surprise appears and disappears from Jessica’s otherwise cool demeanor and slowly recognition settles in her eyes.

 

“…Hi Taeyeon-ssi.”

 

Jessica slowly makes her way over to the her. There’s a small—barely perceptible—smile on the fashion designer’s face, her thin lips pulled into a semblance of a curve, polite but detached; a smile out of obligation.

 

“Jessica-ssi, it’s nice to see you again. How is…Krystal-ssi doing?”

 

Taeyeon cringes at her own attempt at small talk.

 

“Krystal’s well. You have a day-off?”

 

Taeyeon shrugs sheepishly, “Not exactly, I’m actually supposed to be practicing right now, except I was craving tteokbokki so…” To illustrate her point, Taeyeon cheekily holds up her loot.

 

Jessica nods at her and mirrors her action, unapologetically holding up her packet of ramen.

 

“Ramen…good choice.” Taeyeon quips, unable to fight the playful smirk that creeps onto her face.

 

Jessica inapproachable image shatters when she offers Taeyeon a small, but genuine smile. There’s a gentle curve to her pink lips, her brown almond shaped eyes gleam, and as her otherwise sharp features soften at the edges, Taeyeon’s finds her heart racing.

 

“I…I should probably get back to the studio before they send a search party.” The grocery store is suddenly too small and is uncomfortably dry. Taeyeon curses at herself for stuttering. Why the hell was she even stuttering ?

 

“Yeah…I’d better let you go then.” Jessica breathes after a moment of silence and the two of them stand there unmoving.

 

“Um, I guess I see you later then Jessica.”

 

“Enjoy your tteokbokki, Kim Taeyeon.”

 

Taeyeon shuffles towards the cashier, ignoring the itching desire to turn back and look at Jessica one more time.

/

Taeyeon walks into the meeting with her producers and manager feeling somewhat confident. The tracks on her album had all been recorded and the final tweaks were being added by the producers. Furthermore, she had been rehearsing nonstop for her live stage debut.

 

"Taeyeon-ssi, we're getting close to the date now, and the marketing team has contacted us about releasing a highlight medley as well as a short teaser clip for your music video. We've consulted the head producer and the creative director for your music video. They've both given us a cut of each of your works, and today we're going to preview them prior to official release."

 

Taeyeon bows politely and situates herself towards the back of the room as the lights dim and the attention of the room turns towards the large projector screen. She watches as her face flashes across the screen, an expression of longing adorning her face as she sings, eyes distant. The lighting had made her look ethereal yet isolated. A close up shot of Krystal’s eyes gazing into the camera follows. Then there’s a time lapse of a developing polaroid and then the scene cuts into a wide shot. The moment in the polaroid comes to life and the two of them run through the night; wild and free.

 

Taeyeon almost believes the deep connection between her onscreen self and the onscreen Krystal.

 

A mumble of praise and polite clapping fills the room. The manager moves to open an audio file. As he clicks play, the first bars of music play before Taeyeon’s voice rings clear and crisp from the stereo speakers.

 

Taeyeon finds snippets of her tracks playing through the speakers, alien yet so familar--the result of weeks of fine tuning and polishing. Pricks of tears threaten to spring from her eyes, and she turns to the side, raising her hand to discreetly wipe at the gathering liquid. It was almost time for the official release of her album, for her to share a part of her soul with the world, out there to be on display and critiqued. She takes a deep breath, steadying herself.

 

"Taeyeon-ssi, well done."

 

The suited man at the doorway spoke, his deep voice rumbling with satisfaction and...pride...?

 

She bows deeply in greeting and in acknowledgement of his praise.

 

"Thank you, Mr Lee. It has been a privilege to be able to work on this album. Thank you for giving me this opportunity."

 

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