Im Jae Bum. The worst guy I happen to know needs to be my partner. My partner for the couple project in music class. Why me? Why do I need to be punished by getting a partner like him?

 

Im Jae Bum -

His name is making me cringe.

 

- - - - -

 

I keep smiling until I start to think about him. He ruins every single of my thoughts for an unknown reason. If my life may be better without me knowing him? As my heart starts beating I know it's because of him. Because he is next to me. Trying to seek my attention. As if I would give him even a slight piece of my attention. I have better to do. But still, he is my partner. Even if I don't want it.

„Jae Bum?“ He seems to enjoy me paying attention to him as he starts smiling. „Yes sunshine?“ Sunshine? I should- „Stop calling me sunshine. What am I to you to call me like that?“ As I let out a sigh his smile disappears. „What's the matter?“ He asks instead. „Do you already have an artist in mind?“ His eyes are focusing on me and it makes me shiver. „The song to use should be a heartfelt song right?“ I nod. „Maybe CnBlue with Cold Love? It's the only song coming into my mind right now.“ My lips try to form a smile. „Alright. I will look up the lyrics.“ „Wait. I just tell you a song and it is alright for you?“ He asks, rising up an eyebrow. But he won't get a reply as I already am on my way to leave. I feel a soft pressure around my right arm. „Why do you hate me so much?“ His voice seems so soft, so gentle.

 

'I don't hate you'

 

„Tell me. What did I do wrong?“

 

'You did nothing. It's all my fault.'

 

„Am I that terrible to you?“

 

„Leave me alone Im Jae Bum.“ Those words are coming over my lips like a magic spell. „Just leave me alone.“ I close my eyes, trying to hide my tears which are burning inside them. For a minute I need to hold my breath until the footsteps finally disappear. He left. As I told him he was leaving me. I'm a terrible person. To others and also to myself.

 

- - - - -

 

„Cold Love.“ I mumble the title of the song as I tap it into the search bar. As nothing of the band appears i have to add „CNBlue.“ The first link I open leads me to the lyrics already. 'My heart stops at this cold love, my heart breaks into pieces. My breath stops at this sick love, my breath slowly dies.
Day by day, I wither like a wild flower.' As I read the lines of the song's refrain I feel my eyes burning again. I close the tap just to find the search results again. Another tap opens as I find a link to the song. With just the first chords of the song I happen to shiver again until I finally let my tears happen.

 

„I don't hate you Im Jae Bum.“ I whisper to myself, covering my face.

 

„How should I be able to hate you?“

 

- - - - -

 

„You look terrible … . Did something happen?“ Park Ji Min would always hit the mark. I got used to it. She knows me well just as - „Nothing happened. I just don't feel so well today. Maybe I will skip the last classes and go home.“ Ji Min looks me directly in the eyes, just as she would stare into my soul. „It's music class. I understand-“ No. She didn't understand a thing. After me being so harsh to him, how should I be able to look him in the eyes? „He isn't a bad boy. If only you would give him a chance.“ With that she made her way to her class. Leaving me alone. Just as Jae Bum left me before.

'I know he isn't a bad boy.' Why is it so hard to say what I want to say? Why is it so hard for me to show how I feel? Why is it so hard for me loving myself in the first place? I'm a cold-hearted monster. Not able to show my feelings and I'm used to it. I try to appear strong although I'm not.

As I make myself ready for the way to class I feel it again. The feeling of being observed. Like someone would be watching me from above. When I last felt like this a goodbye was going to happen. What would happen this time?

Getting inside the classroom I felt my heart racing in my chest. I felt this pain. „…? Do you know where you partner is?“ The teacher was pointing at the empty seat. No- Not again? It happened again? He left me? Once again a person I loved left me? The pain in my heart got worser with every step I make forward to the seat. „I-I don't know.“

In the middle of class the door is being opened. I have to hold my breath as I notice who's coming inside. With no words the black-haired boy is taking his seat next to me. Im Jae Bum. For some reason I feel relieved. He is still here. Next to me. The boy I -

„Can you tell us why you are so late Im Jae Bum?“ The teacher asks. 'Be happy he still is here' I tend to think. „I'm sorry. But I had some important things to do for our partner project.“ He glances at me for maybe just a second and my heart starts beating faster again. „sorry-“ I whisper. „Huh?“ „I'm sorry-“ Again I'm in the centre of his attention. „There is no need to feel sorry.“ His words are cursing my heart pain. I ruined everything. Again.

 

- - - - -

 

It feels like I'm dying. Like I'm out of breath while doing nothing. My heart beats without a reason when thinking about him.

 

Is this called … Love?

 

Isn't it hopeless? For a person like me; that is not even able to love herself; isn't love hopeless?

 

- - - - -

 

Red-

 

The color I used to love.

 

The color of fire.

 

Red.

 

The color of blood.

 

The first love of mine to be taken forever.

 

Red.

 

- - - - -

 

Again I'm not able to sleep as so often. As every single day of my life. It's hard for me to fall asleep. I don't want to sleep. What I see is haunting me. It will forever be in my mind. Like a mark burnt into my thoughts.

'Hey Ji Min. Are you awake?' In the moment I type the sentence into my phone a message arrives. „Can't you sleep again?“ The first moment I think it's from Ji Min. She always knows how I feel. But it isn't. This message isn't from Ji Min. It's from Jae Bum. How come he knows? How come he knows about my sleepless nights?

 

„I know how you feel. It isn't your fault.“

 

'You know nothing about me. Nothing.'

 

„Don't hate yourself for what happened.“

 

'How do you know?'

 

„Don't blame yourself for this accident.“

 

'How do you know about it Jae Bum? How do you know when I never talked about it with anyone?'

 

„You don't know how happy I am to know you.“

 

„Stop it Jae Bum. I don't want to know. You know nothing about me . . .“

 

- - - - -

 

I barely sleep the whole night. Why did Jae Bum need to message me? To keep me awake? But if even he wouldn't have written those messages I know I wouldn't have slept either. So why keep bothering myself with these thoughts.

Living on your own can be helpful. At least sometimes. No rules to follow, only your own. Doing whatever you want without getting told to stop. Being yourself. On the other hand living on your own is lonely. No one who will talk to you, no one you can be together with. Just yourself on your own. Thoughts being the only thing you can hide yourself in.

Already 6:30 AM as I take a glance at my alarm clock. In just 30 minutes I would need to leave, take the train to arrive at school at 7:45 AM. I decide to dress myself. A nice and cute dress. Cute but nothing special. This is me. I'm not special, I try to be cute even though I'm not. My hair I let open. It seems more beautiful. 6:45 AM – Just 15 minutes to go.

My phone vibrates in the pocket of my dress. As I look up the notifications I see it. A message. Again from Jae Bum. „Can you meet me before school? It's important.“ „I don't have time-“ „Let's skip the first class and tell the teacher we worked on our project?“ 'No' I want to tell him no. But instead I write a simple „Okay.“

 

5 minutes to go.

After brushing my teeth I take my bag and put on my shoes.

 

1 minute to go.

I unlock the door and open it. Just to notice a boy standing in front of it.

 

„Im Jae-“

 

„Good morning.“

 

„What are you doing here?“

 

„We need to talk.“

 

He pushes me inside. Gentle. His hands touch me gentle. over my cheek. They are warm and soft. The hands of the person I tried to avoid. I can't do it anymore. I can't run away anymore. Not now.

 

Soft. His lips. The lips which are touching mine so gentle. He tastes so nice. For the first time I feel save.

 

Tight. His arms hold me tight. A soft pressure, gentle and not too hard. He wouldn't want to hurt me. And I feel save.

 

„Jae Bum-“ I whisper. „I never hated you.“ „I know.“