“One, two, three…” she counts out slowly as she stares at the stars scattered across the night sky.

Again.

“One, two, three…” she counts again, then stops, sighing at her foolishness.

What is counting stars good for when you’re wishing for the impossible?

A bittersweet smile crosses her face at the thought. Her eyes lift up to the twinkling skies once more.

“Stars… I’m going crazy.” she mumbles, shaking her head.

On quiet nights like this, she allows her thoughts to consume her. She allows herself to drift off to the land of almost and what could have been.

She allows herself to flash back to times when she had a huge company – but more like family – to fill in the empty spaces of loneliness. She allows herself to reminisce back on the times when she could always rely on eight other pairs of hands supporting her back. But more recently, she allows herself to remember him.

She allows herself to remember the shy boy she met so many years ago – the boy who eventually grew into a man that swore to protect her and love her unconditionally, even if she wasn’t able to do the same for him in return. Instead, when put under pressure, she chose to push him away, foolishly thinking that she was better off protecting their careers instead of protecting their relationship.

“I’ve been thinking lately… Maybe we should break up.”

The desperate look he gave her would be imprinted in her mind forever.

“Yah. What’s with this all of a sudden? You’re just kidding, right?” he laughs nervously, speaking more to himself than her. “Don’t joke like that, please. You had me worried.”

“I’m not joking.” she says, her face as hard as stone.

“Sooyeon, tell me what’s wrong.” he pleaded, his voice cracking. ” Was it something I did?”

“It’s what we’ve both been doing, Donghae. It’s… it’s not right. The company…” she trails off, immediately regretting the words that came out of . “I’m sorry.” she says, her only consolation she could offer.

“No, I’m sorry. I told you I’d always be here to protect you.” he says, reaching out to caress her face, wiping away her tears. He tries to smile for her, for the both of them, but he can only give her a troubled smile as he looks at her and the sorrowful gaze that she gives him. “But instead, it looks like I’m only a fool that causes you to cry. If that’s really what you want, I’ll let you go. Please forgive me for lacking.”

As the weeks pass by, they carefully avoid each other. On the rare occasion when they bump into each other, when their eyes meet, they convey the messages of “I miss you” and “I’m sorry”. However, quickly remembering themselves, they would quickly excuse themselves, hastily making excuses to leave.

When their album comes out later that year, she listens to his song Y and immediately breaks down, crying over what was lost.

She takes out an old scrapbook from her trainee days and scans the pages intensely, imprinting each image in her mind, desperately trying to get her mind to go back to happier days. Her mind screeches to an abrupt halt upon coming across an old picture of the two of them together.

She remembers how he pestered her endlessly for them to take the picture together, not leaving her side until she acquiesced to his request.

“Sooyeon, please? So that I can always look at your pretty face no matter how far away we are from each other.”

At the time, she was flustered by his statement, but now Jessica only laughs bitterly at the memory, her vision clouding with tears.

I can still look at you, babo bada, but I can’t see you now.

Silently, she flips through the pages of the scrapbook once more, and her heart twinges with every memory that springs back to life.

She comes across an old, wrinkled piece of paper, carefully taped at each corner.

Pretty Sica! Keke. I hope you had a great day today! Even when I’m not there to encourage you, know that I’m always thinking of you. Oppa will always support you. Let’s reach our dreams together!

- Babo Bada

Her eyes cloud with tears once more, droplets littering the page, adding onto countless more tear stains on the letter.

I promised myself I wouldn’t cry again, but here I am, doing exactly that – thinking of him again because of all the memories we shared that are still in my heart.

She remembers how they tried again briefly, but just couldn’t go back to how they were. They still had the love between them, and they wanted love to conquer all, but love can’t do that on its own – love requires people to conquer in its name.

Super Junior M and SNSD both ended up on the stage for Music Bank. Super Junior M was promoting Swing, and they were promoting Mr.Mr. The two ended up talking in the back as CNBLUE was awarded. As the two exited the stage, she went ahead happily, a spring in her step as he subtly chased after her, a wide grin on his face. Backstage, he catches up to her.

“I’ve missed you.” he suddenly says, causing her to whirl around to properly face him. Donghae takes her hands in his, holding them gently.

“I’ve missed you, too, oppa.” she replies, a bright smile on her face. “I’m glad that we’ve been able to talk more and more lately.”

“Sooyeon… I’ve been thinking over this for a long time now.” he says, a bit pensive. “I still love you. I always will. And… if you’re willing to give us another try, I’ll always be waiting for you.”

Her eyes widen in shock. She stays silent for a few beats before finally working up the courage to look him in the eyes.

“Donghae, I…”

“It’s okay, Sooyeon. I understand.” he cuts her off, a bittersweet smile on his face. “Remember, I’ll always support you.” he reminds her, then walks out, leaving Jessica frozen, alone in the room.

“I love you.” she whispers to the empty waiting room.

Again, she berates her past self for being such a fool – for not speaking up. For not saying the words she should have conveyed to him then.

I want you back. I want to go back to your side.

But no matter how much she pleads, her prayers only go up to the night sky.

Before, she could always rely on him to brighten up her day. Now, she only hopes that there’s someone out there looking out for him – someone to brighten up his day, since she can no longer do so.

Where are you now? Are you healthy? I hope you’re happy.

And again, she laughs at herself. Here she is again, talking to the stars that never answer her. They twinkle back at her as if laughing at her – mocking her for her foolishness.

Is it foolish of her to plead for just one more time? Is it foolish of her to plead to go back to the past? Is it foolish of her to plead to fly back to her past love’s side?

On quiet nights like these, she finds herself going crazy over him all over again, just like how she used to. She finds herself helplessly wishing to the stars, but she can never reach them – she can’t do anything.

No matter what words she confesses, she only frustrates herself even more, knowing that even if she tries to express herself, she can only express herself to the stars. She tries so hard to reach him – her far, shining star.

Again, her eyes scan the night skies. She tries to envision a happy ending for herself, but she just can’t see the end of her sorrows.

What should I do now?