It was that time of the month again, where I build my walls the strongest. It had to be, because that was all that left of me – my last shred of dignity.

Park Hayoung to herself.

--

      I breathed in the strong aroma of hot black coffee in my hands as I leaned my back slightly against the counter, like I usually do on my lunch breaks. I could already imagine the effects of caffeine travelling all the way up to my brain and down my veins, boosting the much-needed energy for the rest of my shift.

      And I was thankful really, for my ninety minutes break especially when I was on-call last night, which had me on 28-hour shift with less than 3-hour sleep. But then, I guess I would be fine with just croissant and coffee and I’d be good to go. Perhaps, lending a hand in the outpatient department or maybe, I could just go for my rounds early. It had been quite a while since I last spend time to have some real, humane conversation with my patients.

      “Hey, is your break over?” A fine young woman tapped my shoulder as she was brushing past me to get a mug from the cabinet.

      “Oh well, I’m ending it early. Did you just start yours?”

      “Yep,” Came her reply.

      “Are you attending the outpatients?” She asked again, in which I responded with a mere nod as I made my way to the sink. I salvaged my last sip from the cup and was left distracted by the faint dizziness lingering in my brain that apparently didn’t fade away like it usually did.

      “Maybe,” I mumbled, and quickly decided that I was going to need another shot of coffee at the end of the next hour. A stronger one, I suppose.

     “Oh good, I saw there were so many people in the waiting hall. The staffs are getting out of hands, I think. I’m finishing my break early and I’ll be heading there as well,” I was left amused as she then animatedly rambled on her worry with the increased outpatients in the last few weeks – which in the end, had me decided on my remaining break hour.

     “Well, I guess winter does hit a bit harsher this year. More people are getting sick from the cold. And since that seemed to be the case, I should really be going now,”

      Taking that as my cue to leave, she put down her mug hastily and pushed me out of the room. “Yes, yes! Go, before I delay you any further,”

     “God, I can’t believe you’re actually kicking me out. In need some privacy, I presume?” I wiggled my eyes playfully and when she didn’t seem to get my point, I gestured towards the pharmacist who had just entered the common room. At the sight of her husband, her eyes widened at the allegation.

    “What the hell?!” And with that, came with a loud smack at the back of my head, “This is actually your supportive friend’s way of sending you off, you ungrateful brat! Now, off you go. Go save lives!”

      With one final push from her, I walked away– smiling fondly at the thought of an angel who went by the name of Irene Kim.

      I would say, Irene and I were among our co-workers who attend the outpatients quite a lot on our free times especially when the numbers were outrageous. May it be for one hour, or just a mere fifteen minutes – we would still do it. Whichever, it would eventually lead to one hour less waiting time or fifteen minutes faster queue – either way would be of tremendous help.

      Because in hospitals, there would be a constant race against time. For some patients, time would simply mean the hours bearing with their excruciating pain. While for some others, time was not as merciful. Despite our experiences, we would eventually get tangled in circumstances where we wished and every so often, begged even – for more time. More time for diagnosis, more time to comb the charts, and more time to fit the puzzles before the shadows that forever be lurking behind those curtains decide the impending end.

      Recognizing time as a powerful determinant here, was why we were trying to buy them – by exchanging our own for the extra minutes our patients may desperately be needing.

      Oh, how I wish my motivation was really that noble.

      For I knew so well that the moment I received the text message telling me he would be a few days longer in Shanghai, any teeny tiny amount of gallant drive I might have left (if not none) was undoubtedly down the drain.

      I remember cursing under my breath as I typed away my reply before throwing the innocent phone into the locker.

     It was that time of the month again, where I build my walls the strongest. Because I simply needed to forget, and forgetting happened to be the hardest at every second week of the month.

       And the nerve of this man, making forgetting even harder.

      All thanks to him, my walls were at least halfway gored. And no, I did not want to make that phone call he requested – the international call, reminding me that it was indeed that time of the month. That time when reality would come knocking harder than ever, eager to tear down my walls so they could reach me and slap me right on my face, and drag me down to what I really was and what I shall forever be –

      A Park Hayoung – a faulty, not the angel Irene Kim or Ma Sichun, the extra three days of my husband’s obligatory business trip at every second week of the month.

      A faulty, with defects in offence of my years worth of pain and without the slightest doubt, would remain responsible for the years to come.

      I needed to forget those pains, I desperately needed to.

      So if consuming my own self could fortify my walls, for as long as fortifying means forgetting – then, so be it.

---

      “Now, let’s try moving your arm. I’m just going to wiggle your arm around, alright? Okay, that seems perfect. Can you make a big circle with your arms for me? Like this,” I said as I demonstrated circumduction with my own hands.

      I was attending a 19-year-old patient who was referred here by the A&E* department. It was stated on the referral letter that she was admitted to the A&E about a month ago after a fall and the outpatient department was therefore asked to check her progress.

      “That’s brilliant. Let’s then try bringing your right arm straight upwards. Can you do that?”