To become an idol I had to give up more than many things. Because of my training I had to give up on the Mts with my friends and classmates. Instead, I spent hours, days, months and years in the practice room with other trainees who gave up their best years as well.

I wasn‘t able to see my family as often as wanted to, because I had to stay in the dorm with the other trainees. Well, it‘s not like we got to stay in the dorms a lot because of our practice anyway.

Sometimes, I felt very lonely because I didn‘t have anyone to call in my hard times. I couldn‘t call my parents because I couldn‘t let them worry too about me as it was I choose for myself.

As for close friends … well, because of my training a distance was created between my friends and me. The fellow trainees were all in the same situation as me so theoretically they would understand me better, right? But the thing is that we were always put against each other. We were all desperate to debut making it hard to be real close to each other. We were always treating each other nicely, but that was mostly just an image.

We had to always be aware of each other, because we were basically always against each other. We had to beat the other in order to be the one to debut next. The rivalry between the trainees was always in the air. Even in the dorm – a slightest mistake could become a huge issue if put in a wrong way.

When I was finally chosen for the next group to debut I was so thrilled, but the idol life is not as I‘ve imagined it to be.

I always knew that it‘s hard, but it is even worse than anyone can imagine. Sure, physical tiredness and lack of sleep is something that I guess anyone knows about, but the psychic stress is the worst part of the idol life.

Being separated from your family and friends are just the start, but living under the constant pressure of the public is the worst thing that can ever happen to anyone. Even the slightest slip can be judged by the public as a major error.

If there‘s a possibility I would have quit already, but even if I did, so there is still a high chance that I wouldn‘t be as competely forgotten as I would like and I‘ll forever be credited as „the former idol“.

Neither do I know what will I do to earn a living. I‘ve spent my school years dancing and singing not paying attention to my studies. I guess if I ever quit I would have to do all kinds of odd jobs to be able to pay the bills. And to be honest – I‘m not prepared for that kind of life. I guess I‘ll just have to find a way to get through life, somehow.

I‘ve seen more than many fellow idols who fell into the trap of alcohol or even drugs. And while they are bashed by the public I am asking myself – Will I be able to resist?

The temptation to be free of worries at least for a short while is just so hard to resist … While the struggles I try to get rid of are becoming bigger each day.