“Unnie you’re coming right? Remember you owe us for not coming, like a hundred times already! Don’t you dare to make another lame excuses because it’s not gonna pass this time.” Said Satan Joy who didn’t even greet me first this early in the morning.

 

“Yes Joy-ah, I’m coming. And for your information, those lame excuses you say are true. I’m not lying. Also, good morning brat.”

 

I heard her chuckled on the other line.

 

“Whatever Unnie. Good morning too.”

 

“So who will be there?”

 

“All circle of friends. Same time, same place. See you there Unnie.”

 

“Okay see you.” Then I hung up the call.

 

All circle of friends. I wonder if you’re coming too. It’s been a year now. Did anything change from you? How do you look? Did you grow tall? I have these many questions in my mind. Since then, I didn’t hear anything from you. I won’t blame you though. I won’t blame you for blocking me on all of your social media accounts. I won’t blame you for transferring school. I won’t blame you for trying your best to rid me in your life. I deserved it. I’m a fool. I’m a coward. I’d hurt you.

 

I glanced at the clock, 8:10am. It is way too early for 1pm meet up at the mall. The mall where we had dates every weekends. We watch movies, play arcade games, eat whatever we want, shopping, anything. Holding hands, embracing each other, stealing kisses when no one’s looking. Heck, I missed those things. But who am I kidding anyway? I’m the reason of why we never did it anymore. I’m the reason of why you don’t wish to see me. I’m the reason why you’re crying on that same mall, on the same bench we used to talk about life, heartbroken. I’m stupid of all the stupid. I don’t deserve someone as good person as you. You’re the best. You’re beautiful. You’re perfect. And me? I’m the worst. I’m the worst for hurting such a wonderful person. You must be really hate me now. Loathe me even. But we both know what situation we are in. This society will never accept this kind of relationship. They may allow but never will accept. Never will.

 

For two years, I tolerate you to love me. For two years, I let you stay by my side. For two years, it feels like we’re together but we’re not. I shouldn’t let it happen. People like you should be treated like the way you deserve to be. You always say to me, “It’s okay. I can wait” but it’s not okay at all. From the start, this whole set up is unfair for you. In this mutual relationship we had, you’re the one losing. I’m selfish. I want you all to myself but I can’t even say yes to you when you asked me to be your girlfriend. Because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of all the people will criticize us. Those eyes who will judge us like we’re the disgusting creatures in the world. And my family will never accept us. This world is so cruel. Why it is wrong to love someone with the same gender? Why it should be a boy and a girl? Why? Why? Because it says on the bible? Because it’s a sin? How about what I truly feel? Then what I feel is wrong too? What am I supposed to feel? Every day I endure this pain. It’s killing me. Sometimes I want to end this life. I’m always crying since that day. I love you so much. I truly do. You don’t know how much courage I put on that day when you’re crying, begging me to stay. I want you to lock in my arms and assure you I’m always be here for you but.. all I can say is sorry and leave you there. It hurts so much to see you hurt because of me. On the way home, I let the tears to fall. Every part of my body is aching. Even moving my legs to walk is so hard to do. I can’t stop the sobs escaping in my lips. I’m a mess. People looking at me, confused. I laughed bitterly, do they even know what am I dealing with? No, they don’t.

 

 

--

 

 

Flashback

 

4 year ago..

 

“Ms. Kang if you come to this class late again next time, I’m going to fail you.” The Physics Professor said.

 

“Yes Sir.” You bowed and walks to your seat.

 

All eyes are on you. Because who the hell of a student attends class half an hour before the dismissal? Oh right, it’s you.

 

The next day..

 

“Ms. Kang how many times do I have to tell you that I hate late students! Give me five laps on the field now!” the PE Professor said.

 

The day after next day..

 

“Ms. Kang you’re late! You’re only a freshman and you’re always acting like this! Get out of this room and bring your parents next time I want to talk to them!” the Calculus Professor said.

 

You have guts to do that every day, every morning class. You’re really something. Just thinking about being late in class frightens me. How about you? It looks like it’s nothing for you. You even act like it’s normal thing to do. As long as possible, I don’t want to have associations with you. You’re irresponsible. I hate people like you.

 

Several weeks passed..

 

Twenty minutes break before the next lecture on dance. I was playing games on my phone and you approached me.

 

“Hi. Mind if I sit next to you?”

 

Yes I mind so don’t sit next to me.

 

“Sure. Please help yourself.” I said and she sits on the floor next to me. I paused the game and look at her.

 

“Uhm.. Can I ask you?”

 

She snickered.

 

“You’re already asking.”

 

“Ha-ha-ha, very funny.” I rolled my eyes.

 

“But seriously, can I?”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“Why are you always late?”

 

A smile spread across her face and she stands up. She cleans the dust on her pants and said,

 

“Because of the standard acceleration due to gravity at the Earth’s surface with a value of 9.806650 m/s2.” Then she left me there.

 

I’m amazed. This is the first time I’ve known the exact value. I don’t know you’re smart too.

 

Days passed and we used to be text mates. It’s one time I need to send message for everyone about what Professor said because I’m the Class President. Then you started texting me for school matters but most of the time, you’re texting things like Hi, Good morning, Good night. Simple three messages everyday but I can’t help to smile to myself. Then I subconsciously sending you replies everyday too. We talked about anything. Just random conversation but I enjoy it. I enjoy it so much.

 

More months passed and it’s my birthday. Only my new found friends in class, Joy and Yeri knows my birthday. I didn’t tell anyone. Same day, we’re also having our final exam. I was on the number 43 of the questionnaire when someone passed at my seat and put a big box gift on my desk. I looked up and saw you walking out of the class.

 

“Ms. Kang answered most of the questions correct. That always late punk also has brains too eh? Guess don’t judge the book by its cover then.” The Physics Professor said after examining the test paper you give to him that you already finished.

 

After the exam, I hold the gift you gave me.

 

“How did she know it’s your birthday?” Joy asked.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Open the gift Unnie!” Yeri said nudging my shoulder.

 

I opened the gift and it’s a purple teddy bear. It was so cute I hugged it.

 

“Unnie I think she likes you.” Joy said grinning.

 

“She even know you’re favorite color.” Yeri giggled.

 

I pulled the bear away from me and pinch its nose.

 

“Do you really like me?” I said questioning the bear. As I was thinking of it, it looks like you. I smiled and gave it a name Seulbear.

 

 

3 years ago..

 

Every day, you always wait for me at the school’s entrance. Every day, we always eat lunch together with our classmates Joy, Yeri and your best friend, Wendy, which is our classmate too. Every day, you always me to my transportation going home because it’s two hours commuting to school and to mine. I also don’t like boarding because I’ll get lonely when I’m away with my family. You want to me home but I disagreed. It’s too far and your house is half an hour away from school only. Sometimes you ask me to help you study. I’m wondering of why you need my help. You’re already smart though. But how could I reject when you always flaunt me that cute puppy eyes with a pout? My knees gets weak whenever you do that. And it’s also dangerous for my heart.

 

“So Irene.. Are you free this weekend?” You said while we are walking in the hallway.

 

“I am. Why?”

 

“Would you like to watch a movie.. with me?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Hearing my answer, you fist pump in the air and shouts yes. I laughed.

 

“Really?! It’s a date then!”

 

“D-date no I—“

 

“It’s a date!” You said and run away to the next class and leave me blushing behind.

 

The date day..

 

“Hi Seulgi Unnie!” Yeri said grinning.

 

“W-why are you two here?”

 

“Because we must protect Irene Unnie. Who knows if you try to molest her.” Joy said. She walks in front of me and spread her arms widely, hiding me behind her back.

 

“Sorry they insist to come.” I apologetically sm