June 2010 I was supposed to marry.  We spent months before taking pictures, preparing everything, choosing from this decoration to finding the perfect hotel, and debating on where we would spend our honeymoon. We were 20, young, and deeply in love. 

 

Nicole broke off our promise a month before the wedding. I never dreamed that she’d betray me. 

 

The weather had gotten warmer and eight years has come and went by. The long willowy grass sways back and forth dancing to the motion of the silver wind. I tilt my head up to look at the sky. 

 

“Key, hurry in!” Taemin dressed in a black tux screamed to me from behind. 

 

I slowly turn away unable to keep my eyes off of the two kids riding their bikes together. 

 

Nicole had been a childhood friend. We had been the categorized as the childhood friends who would grow up to marry. From a little pudgy girl to a beautiful adult I watched her be. 

 

A bike fell and the little girl started crying. 

 

“I told you to be careful!” the young boy scolded jumping off his bike to run to her aid. “Are you hurt?” 

 

“I’m bleeding!” 

 

Grabbing the little girl’s knee the boy bent by her and started blowing on the scrape. 

 

Long ago Nicole had me how to ride a two wheeled bike for the first time. As anyone would on their first try, I swerved back and forth uncontrollably.  

 

“No! Keep yourself balanced!” Nicole scolded from the side. “Not like that!” 

 

I paddled the bike a few more turns before I completely flopped over. Nicole had come running to my aid within seconds. 

 

A smile popped onto my face from the mere memory. It brought me so much warmth every time I thought of her. 

 

“Key!” Taemin begged from behind. 

 

I ignored him however as I continued reminiscing. 

 

My memory flew back to the night where I’d first kissed her full lips on her front porch. Her parents were out, mine were on a trip to some relatives. Nicole’s lips had tasted just like the milk chocolate she’d eaten earlier and it only attracted me some more. We’d kissed all the way until we reached her room. I spent my first night with Nicole in her tomboyish bedroom. 

 

“Key! They’re waiting!” Taemin screamed. 

 

“Ok,” I smiled and turned around. 

 

The white chapel behind us towered overhead and its shadow loomed over us as we started up the high wooden steps. Both seats on either side of the red carpeted aisle were filled with guests, mothers, fathers, friends, and their children. Laughter, chatter, and smiles were everywhere. 

 

Many turned as I passed to congratulate me. All of them were sincere and their happiness filled me to no content. 

 

“Hyung, congratulations,” Taemin turned to me when we reached the podium. “I love you. I’m glad you’ve hung on.”

 

Taemin hugged me tightly before moving to the side to join Onew, Minho, and Jonghyun who were my groomsmen. Today Taemin served as my best man.

 

Clasping my hands in front of me, I smiled sincerely. Everyone before me had been the pillar of my life during the past 8 years. The support they’d given me made me feel so grateful. It was thanks to every one of them that I am able to stand here today. 

 

Tilting my head up to see the cross overhead I gently closed my eyes to thank God for preparing this day for me.   

 

During early university days, Nicole would run out early to bring me coffee from her front doorstep and watch as I drive off. Today as I flew back to my memory she slowly faded bit by bit. When I got older no one ran out to gift me coffee. Nicole’s presence in my life had slowly began to fade. 

 

I proposed to Nicole at the amusement park in an animal costume. She hated me for doing it that way, but I’d done what I could. After that day we’d excitedly announced to our parents and had begun preparations for the big day. 

 

May 5 after my morning exam I discovered 50 missed calls on my phone. It was from my mom, my father, and Nicole’s parents. I only found out later that Nicole’s car had slid off the highway and into a ditch where her body had been dejected from the car. 

 

Tears were bustling down my eyes even before I reached the hospital. The strangers that turned to look at me…I couldn’t care about any of them. Nicole only had to be ok. My everything couldn’t be taken from me.

 

Sliding around the corner I found my parents and Nicole’s parents being consulted by the doctor. 

 

“Where is she? Where is Nicole!” I screamed. 

 

My mom immediately turned to me and hugged me. That was perhaps the first time since I was born that I’d belted out like a newborn. 

 

The blood had been cleaned off Nicole’s body and I stared at her still sobbing like a baby. My beautiful bride was laying in the morgue covered in ugly plastic. Everything meaningful in my life was now gone. I had nothing to live for. She had left before me. 

 

The amount of pain I carried within me, I refused to acknowledge the fact that anyone else knew how I was feeling. 

 

Nicole’s funeral came and went by. I didn’t talk for months and lost half my weight. I attempted suicide 10 times during those 5 years after her death and finally consulted a physician where I broke down. My body had been mentally ripped in half and I was unable to sew it back together. I realized I had lived as if Nicole were still alive, but had treated it like she’d ran off to marry someone else. 

 

That day I cried for 6 hours straight. Every moment in my life had had a part of Nicole in it. We had grown up together, fell in love together. What part of my life was there that had no Nicole? 

 

I visited her grave the next day, the next, the day after, and the following days that followed that. I finally stopped after a month. 

 

With Taemin’s help, my family’s support, I restarted college and graduated for both me and Nicole. On graduation day as I rose to get my diploma I glanced toward the audience toward the area where my family was sitting. Deep in my mind I could see Nicole standing with them, smiling, and waving at me. She was so beautiful. 

 

I fell in love again 3 years ago. I brought my fiancée to see Nicole for the first time last year. Yesterday, I visited her again. Nicole’s blessing meant the most to me. I wanted to let her know that I was still living and that everyday was as meaningful as if she were in it. 

 

Someone started playing the grand piano and I opened my eyes. My bride entered the hall with her father by her side. I smiled toward her, my heart beating. 

 

Nicole’s parents shared the first row seats with my parents. They turned to look at me with tears in their eyes and nodded with smiles. 

 

If Nicole had never died, our home right now would be filled with 10 children. 

 

As my bride neared, I smiled some more. I held a hand out and took hers when she reached me.