Sometimes it’s easier to pretend you don’t care than to admit its killing you.

 

 

“Heart beats fast, colors and promises
  How to be brave, how can I love when I’m afraid to fall…”

Junmyeon nodded his head along to Christina Perri’s classic song, focusing on his project, typing away as he adjusted his earphones with one ear.

“Hey, hyung, still working?” Junmyeon’s cousin Jongin burst into his room, holding a tray of drinks and cookies.

“Yeah. College’s not letting anyone go.” Junmyeon accepted the cookies, knowing it was probably Kyungsoo who sent Jongin up with some food.

“It’s freezing, hyung, why don’t you turn up the heater?” Jongin slipped behind him, tuning the heat level up. Junmyeon finally realized he was shivering, the cold completely tuned out by his laser focus on his laptop.

“Thanks, Jongin.”

“Anything for you, hyung.” Jongin grinned.

 

 

+

 

 

“Is Junmyeon hyung alright?” Kyungsoo looked up from his book, raising both eyebrows at a worried and confused Jongin. Jongin slumped down in his chair, face buried in his hands.

“He’s getting worse.” Jongin was close to tears, worry creasing his brow. “I checked the temperature in his room and it was freaking 16 degrees Celsius.”

“The heater?”

“It was off.” Jongin sighed. “He’s been like this since Kris hyung left, always drowning himself in things like this.”

“You know how close they were.” Kyungsoo put down his novel, reaching out to Jongin’s hair gently.

“I don’t want to lose Junmyeon hyung like Kris hyung.’ Jongin mumbled.

“He’s your cousin, Jongin, he won’t be gone.”

 

 

+

 

 

Junmyeon carried his messenger bag, holding his books as he threaded through the busy corridor bustling with activity. People rushed to and fro, heading to their various classes or leisurely walking to the campus café.

University might be tiring, but it was worth it.

Junmyeon always tried his best, especially when his best friend departed for China, giving Junmyeon all the more motivation to do better, go farther. He owed it to his parents and Kris.

He knew his constant blurriness worried Jongin and Kyungsoo, but he couldn’t let it get to him. His icy demeanor could not be torn down, he needed to keep people far away. He wouldn’t let anyone get close, not even his own cousin.

Junmyeon had been an only child, the pride and joy of his parents, the successful owners of a wealthy firm. Junmyeon had grown up pampered, treasured and protected.

But it didn’t stop him from closing everyone out.

He knew everyone saw him as the rich kid, the spoiled kid who acted like he was above everyone else. But what they didn’t know that it was protection.

Protecting the heart and soul inside from getting hurt again.

Junmyeon pushed away all the stray thoughts, concentrating on finding his classroom. Only one class left to go, and then he would be able to leave.

He entered, smiling politely at the few students he knew. Hoseok and his gang beckoned him over to chat, but Junmyeon constantly turned them down, preferring to wait quietly for the professor’s arrival.

When Mr. Chan entered, there was another person, a younger boy, following behind him. Junmyeon noticed, but he barely acknowledged him, burying himself in his book.

“Everyone, this is Kim Jongdae. He’s new here, and I hope you people can treat him well.”

Polite applause could be heard from the class.

“Now, Jongdae, why don’t you go sit by the empty seat beside Junmyeon?” Junmyeon’s head shot up when he heard his name and the finger pointed at his neighboring seat.

Jongdae walked over, grinning. He slid into the seat gracefully, immediately arranging his things neatly.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Jongdae.” Junmyeon pointedly ignored the hand extended to him.

Jongdae seemed to get the message, the rest of the class spent in uneasy silence.

 

 

+

 

 

“‘If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.’” Junmyeon quoted, frowning at Jongin who was hunched over his lunch, a shocked expression on his usually neutral face.

“Hyung, you’re… quoting Harry Potter?” Jongin sounded dumbstruck.

“Yes, why?”

“You haven’t quoted for years…” Kyungsoo materialized, slipping into the empty seat next to Junmyeon. “Harry Potter?”

“Kyungsoo-ah, mind helping me get a carton of milk?” Junmyeon dug out some coins, pointing to the vending machine next to their table in the cafeteria. Kyungsoo nodded, getting up and heading to the machine. Junmyeon felt a sudden urge to smile, watching his dongsaeng comply so easily. Something in him felt like showing emotion.

No, never.

Junmyeon shivered, waking up from his thoughts. He could not stray from his path now, it was too risky and it would destroy all his progress.

“Hyung, would it kill to smile for once?” Jongin said sadly. “You never smile or show emotion anymore, it’s like you shut down after Kris hyung left.”

“Jongin, you just don’t understand.”

“Then let me understand.”

“I’m sorry.”

 

A                                                                                                                                                                                                           b

 

 

It hurts, but its okay. I’m used to it.

 

 

Jongin couldn’t believe Junmyeon just brushed him off like that. Couldn’t Junmyeon at least show some feelings? Some emotion?

Junmyeon had definitely changed.

And Junmyeon’s part time job at a café didn’t help much either.

Although Junmyeon could survive his whole life without needing to do a scrap of work, he insisted, living off his own money instead of the millions in his bank account, and Jongin never really understood why.

Kyungsoo told him he needed to grow up and realize what his cousin really needed. But Jongin always responded with the same answer:

“What is it, then?”

 He knew Junmyeon was broken somewhere, and someone had hurt him, but to start healing Junmyeon, one had to find the root.

Sadly, no one knew what it was.

Junmyeon hated opening himself and showing weakness. It was one of his traits since young. Jongin should know him best, growing up together.

But that was never true.

Junmyeon loved Jongin, but he never showed it on his face. He was icy, brushing affection and warmth away. It hadn’t been this bad before, and he was still getting worse.

Jongin took a deep breath, trying to calm his heart.

He was worried sick, and Junmyeon did nothing to help.

“Ouch!” Jongin accidentally crashed into another guy, both boys crashing to the ground heavily.

“I’m so sorry!” Jongin hurried to pull the other to his feet, checking for injuries.

“I’m fine.” The boy smiled, accentuating his high cheekbones. Jongin smiled awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck, red with embarrassment.

“I’m Jongdae, Kim Jongdae.” The boy stretched out his hand. “You?”

“Kim Jongin.” Jongin grinned, shaking the boy’s hand. Jongdae smiled cheekily, and Jongin took an immediate liking to him.

“Sophomore or senior?”

“Freshman, actually.” Jongin laughed. “I just enrolled this year.”

“Me too.” Jongdae bowed. “An honor.”

“Don’t be silly.” Jongin burst into laughter at the other’s ridiculous antics.

“Well, since you crashed into me just now, don’t you think you should treat me something to make up for it?” Jongdae smirked sassily.

“Ugh, you ask for much.” Jongin shook his head, playing along. “Very well.”

“Then what’re we waiting for?”

 

 

+

 

 

“Junmyeon hyung!” Junmyeon looked up from the counter, only to see Jongin and a very familiar face entering the café together. He frowned slightly, putting on his professional face.

“Welcome to Starlight café, what may I get you?” Junmyeon was wincing internally at his robotic voice.

“Is there any Winter Snowflakes coffee left? I have to treat him.” Jongin pointed to their Winter special on the menu, then turned to scowl at the newcomer.

“One Winter Snowflakes. Anything else?” Junmyeon entered their order into the till.

“Give me a Cocoa Fantasy.” Jongin peered at the menu once more.

“That will be 100,000 Won, thank you.” The till clanged open, and Junmyeon was spared from the pain of meeting the gaze of the boys in front of him. “Your orders will be served shortly.”

“Baek, one Winter Snowflakes and one Cocoa Fantasy.” Junmyeon called out to the barista working on coffees behind him.

“Normal?” Baekhyun inquired.

“Yes.”

Junmyeon watched as the younger barista went to work, mixing chocolate and coffee together skillfully, and foaming it perfectly. He picked up the chocolate pipe, piping intricate designs on the foam. The finished coffee was slid towards Junmyeon, who picked them up and set in on a tray carefully.

Sometimes Junmyeon admired Baekhyun’s skills so much.

“Your drinks.” Junmyeon placed the mugs delicately on the table, careful to avoid eye contact with either boy. He was startled when Jongin grabbed his arm, pulling him back.

“Hyung, don’t be like that, I’m sorry for yesterday…” Jongin’s eyes were pleading, but Junmyeon ignored it.

“Let go, Jongin.” He gritted out.

“Please, hyung, there’s no one right now, let me explain…”

“I don’t need one.” Junmyeon pulled his arm back. “I know what you’re going to say, so don’t bother.”

“Hyung, you’ve changed so much…” Jongin’s voice sounded behind him again. “You would never turn your back to me, and now…”

“Well, I’m sorry if I hurt you.” It didn’t really hurt anymore, Jongin’s cutting words. His heart bled, but he was numbed. He was used to it already.

“Hyung…”

Junmyeon stormed back to the counter, ignoring his cousin’s pleas and the gaze boring into his back.

 

 

+

 

 

“Hyung, are you alright?” Baekhyun had been watching the whole exchange from the safety of the counter. Junmyeon held in the sigh, and stonily set down the tray, his face impassive.

“You know, hyung, it doesn’t hurt to open up sometimes.” Baekhyun glanced at him, choosing his words carefully. Junmyeon exhaled. It was so hard to stay angry at Baekhyun.

“It’s not about the opening up; it’s about the hurt that follows afterwards.” There will always be pain, no matter how hard you try to avoid it.

“Yixing was so long ago, hyung, you should’ve let go.” Baekhyun tried to soothe him, but failing miserably.

I wish I could.

 

 

A                                                                                                                                                                                                           b

 

 

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

 

 

So Jongin knows him. Jongdae sank deep into thought as he strolled home. Apparently the stone cold poker face wasn’t just cold to him, he was cold to everyone. It was awkward between them, knowing Junmyeon kept avoiding his gaze.

Jongdae slid past a couple holding hands in the winter air, snowflakes slowly drifting from the skies. The air was bitterly cold, but Jongdae was bundled up in layers of clothing, so why did it make any difference to him?

Jongdae stopped beside the road, waiting for the traffic lights to turn red and the pedestrian light to flash green, his mind filled with images of the beautiful barista. When he first saw him in class, he was already breathtaking, but seeing him at the café changed everything.

He was stunning.

Peach shaped face, plump lips, sharp features and large intelligent eyes… Hell if it didn’t fit Jongdae’s perspective of perfect.

And he was a major in advanced business and accounts, which immediately added him up to be a genius in Jongdae’s brain.

The pedestrian light flashed, and Jongdae followed the crowd, moving across the road. That's when he noticed the figure a few steps away, black locks drifting slightly as the winter wind blew, the hairs already speckled with white snowflakes.

“Hyung.” Jongdae chirped merrily as he slid in next to Junmyeon, tilting his head at the older. “Finished so early?”

Junmyeon ignored him and surged forward, disdain evident in the scathing glare he sent Jongdae’s way.

“Hey, Junmyeon, I don’t mean any harm- Would you just listen?” Jongdae darted past people, chasing after Junmyeon who’d almost vanished in the crowd. He knew it was VERY dangerous chasing across a busy road, but it didn’t matter when it came to Junmyeon.

“Hey!” Jongdae finally managed to get a grip on Junmyeon’s parka when they reached a park opposite Jongdae’s apartment block. The older hissed, eyes flaring in anger.

“What do you want?” Junmyeon growled, fury evident. Jongdae immediately let go, pursing his lips.

“Look, Jongin was crying over you when we left the café, he worries.” Jongdae decided to make it clear. “You seriously need to think over what you said to him.”

“What’s between us does not concern you, Kim Jongdae.” Junmyeon was retreating into the crowd. “Watch your words, Kim.”  

Everything went blank when Jongdae realized the older remembered his name.

 

 

+

 

 

Junmyeon held in his barely controlled anger, keeping his cool as he hurried back to the university hostel. Jongin and Kyungsoo were probably worried, seeing as he left late and the spat earlier with Jongin.

Junmyeon understood his younger cousin’s feelings; Jongin was just a caring person who worried. But Junmyeon had his own emotional burden, something that Jongin couldn’t do a thing about. He really wished Jongin could leave him alone.

Junmyeon ran his head through Baekhyun’s words earlier:

“Yixing was so long ago, hyung, just let him go.”

“You have to start over, this isn’t healthy for you.”

“Let yourself have another chance, it wouldn’t hurt, would it?”

“Let your heart decide for once, and not your brain.”

But he couldn’t let himself face that kind of pain again, it was too excruciating, too painful to watch it happen again.

Junmyeon arrived at the wrought metal gates, beeping open the small doorway with his key card. He offered the guard a tentative smile, and was rewarded with a bright grin.

He was lucky to be able to smile without a care in the world.

Junmyeon walked briskly, the cold winter air cutting into his face like tiny daggers. Snowflakes rained down, distorting his vision. He regretted not asking Baekhyun to give him a takeaway of warm latte.

 He hopped into the empty elevator, pressing the button for the sixth floor. Jongin was likely crying now, wondering why he was like this. But Junmyeon didn’t care, he just couldn’t.

Maybe he would regret this all one day, but it wasn’t today.

 

 

A                                                                                                                                                                                                           b

 

 

When you finally realize you’re wrong, it’s already too late.

 

 

Jongin looked up from his book, eyes puffy and red-rimmed from crying. Kyungsoo pursed his lips at Junmyeon, who glanced at Jongin and turned away, seeming not to care. Jongin sniffed, burying his head into the book again.

 Kyungsoo should’ve known it would end like this. Having known Jongin and Junmyeon almost all his life, he was one of the people who watched Junmyeon change, until he went past the point of no return.

He missed the old Junmyeon so badly, but wishing wasn’t going to bring Junmyeon hyung back.

He had hoped Jongin’s persistence would do at least a little something, but he was wrong. Instead of pulling Junmyeon out, it just seemed to push Junmyeon deeper.

Kyungsoo got up, tuning up the heater for Jongin and leaving the room. Jongin was huddled in an armchair, apparently asleep already.

“Hyung.” Kyungsoo knocked politely, entering Junmyeon’s room. Junmyeon looked up, face devoid of expression, eyes empty. Kyungsoo felt his heart ache, seeing the person who was like an older brother to him change into this.

“Jongin worries, hyung.”

“I know.”

“Won’t you do anything?”

“I wish I could.”

“Hyung, he loves you. You’re the older brother the both of us never had.” Kyungsoo’s voice broke. “We need you back.”

“Well, you have to bear with me then.” Junmyeon was so cold. “Because this is who I am.”

Kyungsoo stifled his sob, leaving without another word.

 

 

+

 

 

Jongin woke up the next morning in his own bed.

He was a little startled, thought, when he discovered a note by his bedside table telling him to eat breakfast and head to school quickly.

What really made him smile was that the words weren’t Kyungsoo’s

The elegant script could only belong to Junmyeon.

Jongin felt his heart warm at the small act of concern.

 

 

+

 

 

“Junmyeon!” Jongdae’s voice sounded beside Junmyeon’s ear early in the morning. Junmyeon exhaled softly, trying to tune the younger out.

“Hyung, you haven’t explained what yesterday was all about.” Jongdae apparently was a persistent cockroach, pestering him with no sense of shame.

“Hey, Junmyeon hyung, I know you’re listening.” Jongdae tapped his arm lightly.

“For ’s sake, leave me alone.” Junmyeon rolled his eyes, continuing to type away at his tablet. He had to finish the notes before the professor entered the auditorium.

“No can do, you left like that and Jongin cried all the way back.” Jongdae sounded annoyed already.

“So?”

“Do you even have a conscience? Your cousin is worried sick for you and just don’t care?” Jongdae was glaring angrily, Junmyeon avoiding his piercing stare.

“What does it matter to you?” Junmyeon huffed, stopping his typing. “Why do you care?”

“Because Jongin’s my friend.”

“What goes between us doesn’t concern you.” Junmyeon muttered. “If you hate me so much then why don’t you sit somewhere else?”

“You know what? Fine.” Jongdae grabbed his things and left, heading for the empty seat beside Kim Seokjin. Junmyeon shut himself up, ignoring the familiar pain in his heart for scaring away yet another person.

You don’t know a thing.

 

 

+

 

 

Jongdae wailed, Jongin looking up from his noodles like a startled rabbit. Jongdae slammed his face into the table, .

“What’s wrong?” Jongin had a shocked expression on his face.

‘I accidentally riled up my temper at Junmyeon hyung.” Jongdae mumbled, slowly pushing himself up.

“Oh.” Jongin continued eating. “I don’t think hyung cares anyway.”

“Ugh, I could’ve spoken like a normal person instead of yelling…”

“You’ll have to work harder than that to get through to Junmyeon hyung.”

Said person just happened to turn up at the cafeteria, reading something on his tablet, nodding at something Kyungsoo was saying. Kyungsoo noticed them, and nudged Junmyeon.

Jongdae bit his lip, hoping Junmyeon would acknowledge him.

Junmyeon rolled his eyes and said something to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo’s eyes widened but he nodded, and Junmyeon turned and walked away.

Jongdae visibly deflated.

 

 

+

 

Junmyeon was nearly fuming with rage, seeing Jongdae sitting so comfortably with Jongin. Both boys seemed comfortable with each other, but Junmyeon was not.

He hated to admit it but he was still sour over what happened between him and Jongdae that morning.

“What is wrong with me…” Junmyeon grumbled as he plopped down under a huge tree in a secluded spot behind the school building. He dug in his messenger bag, getting out some books and a packet of sandwiches.

“The square root of 24964…” Junmyeon got out his calculator and started to do his homework. What a pleasure it was to do something on his own without anyone commenting or pestering him.

“Junmyeon!” Junmyeon took his thought back as he heard Jongdae’s voice calling out. He shrank behind the tree, hoping Jongdae wouldn’t notice him.

Imagination certainly served him well.

Jongdae popped out, panting for breath, his hoodie slightly rumpled from running. He grinned at Junmyeon, who closed his eyes in defeat.

“Hyung, I just wanted to say I’m sorry…” Jongdae sat carefully, trying not to move any of Junmyeon’s things. “I didn’t mean what I said in the morning…”

Junmyeon didn’t reply, continuing his calculations.

“Hyung, please, give me a chance…” Jongdae’s tone was pleading.

“What do you want from me?” Junmyeon finally exploded, his temper giving out. “Why do you keep pestering me like a goddamn roach?!”

“I just want to know you, I guess.” Jongdae smiled at him, but it only stoked the fire burning inside Junmyeon. “I’ve never met someone like you.”

“So you’re saying I’m weird?” Junmyeon asked, eyes downcast. It wasn’t the first time someone said that anyway. But it didn’t stop him from hurting.

“N-no!” Jongdae leapt up, shocked. “You’re not weird- I meant that you’re special.” Jongdae’s tone softened at the end.

“I know you all think of me.” Junmyeon scoffed. “The rich kid, who always acts like he’s above others, not bothering with anybody else-”

Junmyeon was cut off by Jongdae wrapping him in a hug..

“You’re not like that, trust me, I know, Jongin told me.” Jongdae whispered.

“What do you think you know?” Junmyeon felt his inner wall collapsing, all the feelings accumulated over the years threatening to spill. “You don’t know a thing.”

“Then let me know.”

Junmyeon let a broken sob escape. He couldn’t believe he was trusting a person he barely knew, but if his experience with Yixing taught him anything, it was unconditional trust.

 

 

+

 

 

“Junmyeon-ah!” Yixing called out, sounding elated. “Everyone, I’m back!”

“Yixing!” Junmyeon was grinning from ear to ear as he dashed out from the kitchen, Kyungsoo hot on his trail. He flew into Yixing’s arms, breathing in the uniquely calming scent that was Yixing’s and Yixing’s alone.

“Yixing hyung.” Kyungsoo had a relieved smile on his face, Jongin flying downstairs faster than he ever had.

“I missed you guys.” Yixing spread his arms, all of them colliding together in a group hug. Kyungsoo was sniffing, Jongin straight out crying hard. Junmyeon just smiled, happy to be in his lover’s arms once again.

“Hyung I missed you…” Jongin was wailing like a baby, eyes puffy already. Kyungsoo pulled Junmyeon and Yixing close, burying his face into Junmyeon’s hair to stifle his tears.

“I missed you guys too… Working with Luhan and Tao are no joke.” Yixing was crying too, but he still manage