Namjoon let out an offended sound from the back of his throat before leaning forward and all up in Yoongi’s personal bubble and stinking it up with his alcohol infested breath, “No hyung, no no no” the younger was slurring badly and Yoongi made a mental note to cut off his alcohol supply soon, “ I told you, I’m not falling in love again. Nope. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.”

 

 

 

Yoongi pushed the younger away by pressing his finger against his forehead, smiling sarcastically because he knew just how long that promise was going to last, “Namjoon. Shut up.”

 

 

 

“I don’t know hyung. Why does it always have to end with my heart broken? Why does it always end?”

 

 

 

Yoongi sighed heavily, because he knew that he needed to talk to the younger about this but now was probably not the right time because there were little to no chances that the younger would remember any of this in the morning. He decided to talk anyway, swiveling his stool so that he was facing the counter again and he quickly told the bartender to stop the drinks first before turning his head to face Namjoon again.

 

 

 

“Namjoon-ah, it doesn’t help that you practically wear your heart on your sleeve all the time. The world is cruel; people take advantage of you and stomp over you to get places. That’s just how it is, you just need to learn to protect yourself from all the damage they can do.”

 

 

 

“But I’m never going to find the one if I don’t look, right?”

 

 

 

“That doesn’t mean you’re gonna fall in love with them only after one date. How do you even do it, like, what if you later find out that person murders puppies in their past time or something, I doubt the topic comes up on the first date.”

 

 

 

“But hyung, this time I was so sure it was him. He was so, so perfect.”

 

 

 

Yoongi scoffed, finishing his drink in one long sip, deciding it was enough for the night.

 

 

 

“That’s what you always say. And what’s this bull about finding ‘the one’ when two minutes ago you were so sure you wouldn’t fall in love again.”

 

 

 

Namjoon squinted and then shook his head twice but then the idiot probably got dizzy and had to clutch onto the counter to keep himself steady, “Hyung, you’re speaking too fast.”

 

 

 

“Right.” ‘The brat knows I’m right’ he thought before pushing himself off his chair and digging into his jeans pocket for his wallet. Namjoon went back to lying face down against the cool counter, cheeks pressed against the glass almost comically, making him jut out his lips in a ridiculous pout with one of his eyes forced shut and the other half open. Yoongi paid for their drinks and snapped a couple of pictures of his friend to add to his already vast collection of embarrassing photos of his friends before pulling him up with a groan, Namjoon was really ing heavy for god’s sake, and dragging his friend’s sorry with him until they were out of the club. Yoongi made Namjoon stand against a wall outside while he called a cab for them, finally breathing in cool, fresh air that made him sigh in relief. He hated stuffy places like clubs—unless, of course, he was the one performing. After speaking to their cab driver, Yoongi slipped his phone back in his pocket and went back to stand next to Namjoon, just making sure he didn’t fall asleep while he was standing. To his surprise, Namjoon actually had both his eyes open and looked more awake then Yoongi thought he was.

 

 

 

“Hyung.”

 

 

 

“hmm?”

 

 

 

“ How would you know?”

 

 

 

“what?”

 

 

 

“How would you know if there is someone out there for you when you don’t even try?”

 

 

 

“I’m not stopping you from dating for ’s sake, I just mean to say, like, stop falling in love with every girl or guy you meet Namjoon.”

 

 

 

“But I mean you hyung, you don’t even try to find someone. All these years and you still haven’t moved on after…”

 

 

 

Namjoon faltered, having noticed his friend’s distress even if he was drunk. Yoongi had clamped his mouth shut, lips pressed into a thin line, eyes hardened just a fraction, but Yoongi replied to him. The next morning Namjoon would wonder if he’d imagined the conversation or if Yoongi really had said those words to him, in which case, he needed to talk some sense into his hyung because the words made him worry so, so much:

 

 

 

“That’s just it, isn’t it? After that, I know there’s no point in trying to look for someone who’s not there.”

 

 

 

Yoongi stayed awake that night, pondering over his own words in the cab, then back home because sleep wouldn’t come to him.

 

 

 

It was not true that he had not moved on—no, he was sure it was not because he hadn’t been able to forget her. Park Ji Soo. The girl he was so sure he was in love with, and he probably was, remembering how he’d always have this insane urge to be close to her, to feel happy watching her do the simplest of things, wanting to be there for her when she was having a difficult time. He also remembered how he had become so blind in his love for her that he had not even tried to see that he was nothing to her; nothing but a stepping stone. She’d left him as soon as she got what she wanted; she’d used him for his position in the entertainment company he worked at. He’d really been such a fool that he was the one who had suggested pulling strings to get her through the modeling auditions. ‘You’d do that for me?’ she’d asked, feigning surprise and then kissed him to show how grateful she was. And Min Yoongi was a fool to think she’d meant it.

 

 

 

It still left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth every time he remembered the night she’d oh so coldly declared everything to be over and he’d asked her, if she’d ever had feelings for him. She was not even kind enough to lie and tell him that yes, there was a time when she had loved him. She’d simply laughed mockingly at the tears of disbelief in his eyes and scoffed and said, ‘you were really too easy’ and left him standing in his living room, feeling like he was dead.

 

 

 

He had moved on from her. Her name didn’t make him curl up in his bed and stay there for weeks, crying, like it did once. He’d even seen here once or twice at the company where it was inevitable for them to exchange paths, and the encounters left him with nothing but a sour taste in his mouth and spark of annoyance in his mind. It was not about her anymore.

 

 

 

It was about trusting someone like that again. It was true that Park Ji Soo didn’t affect him that much anymore but there was one permanent change that she had brought in him and that was that he didn’t even consider himself to be someone who could be loved, who could trust someone to think of him as he thought of her.

 

 

 

He still believed in love, but he didn’t believe that he would find it.

 

 

 

He was okay with it; he’d already resigned himself to being this way and no matter how much Kim Namjoon tried to convince him otherwise, the boy’s own spectacular failures in relationships had proved Yoongi right time and time again. Namjoon had never been hurt like he was but he might be in the future and the thought made him really worried but there was nothing he could do except watch from the sidelines and try and protect Namjoon from the hurt. Namjoon was his own person and he was entitled to take his own decisions and unfortunately, the boy made terrible decisions when it came to relationships and so far, in the span of time that they’d known each other, which was a good solid six years, none of his attempts at making it work had really worked out.

 

 

 

Their other friends seemed to be lot more lucky in the love department, and watching them sometimes ignited that long lost hope in him yet again, but it went as soon as it came. Yoongi had forced himself to build those walls around himself, stopping anyone from breaching it unless he was absolutely sure of their intentions. And it didn’t matter if Seokjin had spent all day baking a cake for his girlfriend’s birthday or if Taehyung and Hoseok were being all cuddly and kissing and being gross in general on the couch whenever they met up at Yoongi’s place (for the place had basically been deemed as their official meet-up point ever since Seokjin’s girlfriend had moved in with him). Even Namjoon’s cousin Jungkook, who was deemed as the baby of the group, had got a girlfriend recently—(‘after he’d apparently worked extra shifts to buy her a bracelet or something’ Namjoon had told him while fake-gagging before going all serious again, ‘hyung do you think if I do that it’ll work out for me?’ ‘Joon what the , you already have a job that pays well’). Aside from a slight spark, Yoongi felt nothing and he told himself that it was good. This way, he was safe.

 

 

 

And really, just how many times had his friends tried to cleverly cheat him into going on a blind date and sometimes they actually had, without telling him about it—even if the person was decent enough, Yoongi wouldn’t let them in—couldn’t let them in, usually apologizing as soon as he arrived, paying for their drinks or whatever and leaving just as quickly as he came or as soon as he realized why he was there. He pretended not to see the concern in Seokjin and Namjoon’s eyes and how hurt they would be once Yoongi told them that he left again, for the both of them had known him the longest and had witnessed his life’s big crisis. He hated getting mad at them for meddling but sometimes he had to scream too and he hated it—hated how Taehyung would be scared to speak to him again until he was the one who spoke first and Hoseok would be disappointed and a little mad at him because he was usually the one who knew all his dates and would have to deal with the aftermath.

 

 

 

But Min Yoongi couldn’t help but cage himself in those walls to feel safe.