I picked up my phone to find a missed call & a voicemail from the love of my life. Oh, why had I chosen to take a nap? If I had been awake, I could have talked to him. 

     I pushed the Play button & raised the phone to my ear. A choked sob on the recording made me stop & sit up straight, my mind now fully alert & focused on the message. 

     "I'm sorry, Daesung... I'm so sorry." Another sob filled my ear & then the message ended. 

     I was terrified. I immediately tried to call him back, but his phone went directly to voicemail. I tried again. And again. And again, to no avail. 

     My next call was to our leader, Jiyong. Surely, he must know what's going on. Right?

     He picked up on the second ring. 

     "Daesung..." his voice sounded even more tired than usual. 

     "He didn't even say 'hello,'" I thought, a stab of terror running through me. 

     "What is going on with TOP hyung?" I demanded in a loud & desperate voice. "Is he ok? Did something happen?"

     "Hold on a minute, Daesungie." Ji responded in a patient-sounding voice. 

     "Oh no," I thought. "Is it bad? It must be bad. How bad is it?" I fretted aloud. 

     "Don't get ahead of yourself, Dae," Ji said quietly. "Can you come over? We need to talk."

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     The news Jiyong delivered to me that day was quite a shock to me. My baby had used drugs? I didn't understand how this could have happened. I was with him most of the time. When did he do this? And why? I mean, I knew he'd been struggling a lot with anxiety & he was very stressed before his enlistment, but I never knew it was that bad. Why hadn't I seen it? If I had seen it, could I have stopped it? All these questions plagued my mind. And it seemed there weren't any answers to any of them. 

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     To this day, I still don't know how I got through those months. I don't know how any of us did really. It was a scary time. What would happen to him? What would happen to us? To all of us? I called, texted & even wrote letters to him many times during those long, difficult days. But not a single one was ever answered. 

     At last, the day of his discharge came. And I knew he'd be goin