ONE

Cho Kyuhyun had just turned 21 when he got his soul mark. The Super Junior members were in the van with him when he felt something on his right wrist. It began as an itch, and Kyuhyun brushed it off. As the seconds passed, the itch grew into an ache. Kyuhyun brought his hand up just as a searing pain ran across his arm, causing him to gasp. The members in the van all stopped in their activities and turned to their youngest member.

Heechul, who was the nearest to him, leaned forward and observed Kyuhyun’s arm. The red spot on his wrist was getting brighter and even in the dim car lights, the contrast between the area and the rest of Kyuhyun’s pale arm was even more pronounced.

“Guys, Kyuhyun has gotten his soul mark.”

There was a quick scuffle as everyone tried to get up from their seats without removing their seat belts. They all knew what was happening. This was a momentous moment in everyone’s lives but the members almost gave up hope on Kyuhyun ever getting his soul mark as most people got it in their late teens. When Ryeowook got his mark when he was 19, everyone joked that perhaps Kyuhyun’s soulmate was not born yet.

Kyuhyun did not know what to feel. Excitement was one, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to see what fate would give him. He closed his eyes, to stop wincing from pain as the final touches of his mark was engraved on his skin.

“Is that a strawberry?”

Kyuhyun opened his eyes at Donghae’s question.

Yesung, who Kyuhyun noticed was out of his seat and crouching next to Kyuhyun, brought Kyuhyun’s hand towards him and looked at the symbol. He was about to reach out and touch it when Kyuhyun yanked his arm away, much to the displeasure of the older member.

Kyuhyun brought his hand up towards the window and examined his still-warm wrist. The passing streetlights illuminated his new soul mark. It was still faint but was also as clear as day.

On the inside of his wrist, was a small but intricate outline of a strawberry, with a small J hanging from one of its leaves.

TWO

Kyuhyun was 23 when he felt an unfamiliar warmth washing over him, like a hot bubble bath on a tiring day. He was backstage, preparing for the group’s encore concert in Seoul, when the strange emotion came over him. It made him genuinely happy. It made him feel light. It was indescribable but it felt so right.

The original black outline of the strawberry was now glowing gold and looked mystical. It was the first time this had happened in the two years that he had his soul mark and he was thrilled.

Kyuhyun stood up and walked mindlessly, his eyes still transfixed on his wrist, almost bumping into Heechul in the process. Heechul took one look at his younger member’s face and looked at his wrist. Both men exchanged a look of excitement and half-jogged to the room where the rest of the team had gathered.

“No, there's no way we can do that.”

It was hours after the concert and Kyuhyun could not help but still be in awe in what transpired earlier. He could feel her. She was among the thousands in the audience and this could be his chance to find her.

Manager Kim had his arms folded in front of him, his face stern. Behind him, Leeteuk and Heechul were frowning, the former looking apologetic while the latter kept a defiant stance.

“But you don't understand, she's right there. I could just find her and then…”

“And then what? Happily-ever-after?” Manager Kim was struggling to keep his voice neutral, forcing Leeteuk to reach out for his shoulder.

“I know how much this means to you, but we need to look at the bigger picture. You meet her and then what? You date and you get married, where will your career be? Where will your members be?”

Kyuhyun was silent. He knew his request was ridiculous but he did not want to give in without a fight. Manager Kim was right and he was just doing his job but it did not make it any easier to swallow the bitter truth. It was the love of his life they were talking about.

“I don't have to marry her right away. I just want to meet her.”

“None of your Hyungs have met theirs. Why are you insisting on rushing this? It's just simply not the right time yet.”

Manager Kim looked from Kyuhyun to Leeteuk and Heechul and sighed as he left the room. That meant that the topic was closed and that it was non-negotiable.

Kyuhyun hung his head low, bitter resentment overcoming him as he thought of every curse and swear word he wanted to direct to Manager Kim and the company he sold his life to.

THREE

A couple more years passed. Kyuhyun was now 26 and at the height of his career. He was successful in his various activities and the group was in the midst of their long-awaited comeback, signaling Leeteuk’s return from military duty.

The mark was still there and Kyuhyun looked at the outlined fruit fondly each time he glanced at his wrist. Wait for me, I know you're near. He’d whisper those words to himself more times than necessary but it felt comforting; it gave him the strength to push on.

Over the past two years, he felt the exhilarating warmth several times more, signaling that she was in close proximity. But each time it happened, he was either in a concert or in a recording where there was just too many in the crowd to search for a face. He wished that she would show herself to him in his dreams but even in his subconscious mind, she was just a faceless figure.

Despite this, Kyuhyun remained positive, waiting for the days to pass and looking forward to meeting his ‘J’.

Destiny, unfortunately, had other plans.

After their third win on Music Bank, the team had a celebratory dinner where everyone had too much to drink. After a quick shower, Kyuhyun fell asleep as soon as his head touched his pillow. He was not aware that his wrist had been emitting a faint glow throughout the whole evening.

Kyuhyun later found himself being violently shaken awake.

“Cho Kyuhyun, get up.”

With every ounce of willpower, Kyuhyun opened his eyes and was surprised to see Heechul and Sungmin looking back at him, both mirroring each other’s worried expression.

His head felt heavy and the brightness of the room was not helping.

“What-”

His question was halted as Sungmin raised his arm to his face and Kyuhyun felt his eyes widen despite the initial blindness he felt.

His wrist was red, as though an angry rash had taken over. Yet he did not feel any pain. Sitting up, Kyuhyun touched his wrist only having to recoil. It was boiling, as though he dipped his hands in a kettle of bubbling, hot water. Strangely, his right arm felt fine other than the bright redness that had taken over.

The two men got up from his bed and looked at him in concern when suddenly, a pulsing, tingling sensation coursed through Kyuhyun’s arm. He felt like he was being branded again, but this time, the pain was excruciating and almost unbearable. It was as though he was being stabbed by a thousand alcohol-dipped needles simultaneously. It went as quickly as it came and Kyuhyun found himself trying to catch his breath. His eyes were still on his red-hot wrist and he suddenly felt afraid. The feeling reached deep within him and but he had no time to find it strange. He knew what he was feeling had something to do with her. J. He couldn't explain it but he just knew.

Leeteuk and Ryeowook soon arrived in the room, the latter visibly worried. He then offered to make tea and the members agreed to gather in the living room. The bedroom was too constrained for all of them.

The members began leaving the room and Kyuhyun waited to collect his thoughts. Unfurling his fingers, he observed his wrist again and that's when he saw it. Underneath the original mark, a new mark was engraved and this wasn't a symbol. It was a number. It was blinking and foreboding and Kyuhyun felt nothing but immediate hatred for it.

90

Kyuhyun felt his blood grow cold. He knew this wasn't a common occurrence but everyone knew what this meant.

It can't be. He refused to believe it. It just couldn't be.

FOUR

It was the last night of their sixth Super Show in Seoul and for the past two days, Kyuhyun longed for nothing more than to feel the warmth from his wrist again. He was disappointed twice but he was trying to be positive for the last day.

The hollow feeling in heart got worse when the digits on his wrist started counting down to single digits. Each of his waking moments felt like his heart was continuously being stepped on but he could not do anything to stop the torture.

So many times he questioned the celestial beings above for doing this to him, only to break down in tears as he mulled over the unfairness of it all.

Kyuhyun was so deep in thought that he almost missed it. Instead of its usual rush, the warmth was slow and sweet, as though she was asking for his permission to be felt. Underneath his sleeve, the familiar sensation he ached to feel had returned. Unable to believe it, he rolled up the sleeve on his right arm and temporary relief washed over him. The inked strawberry was gold again.

She was here.

Ignoring the blinking 3 underneath the fruit, Kyuhyun unrolled his sleeve and said a silent thank you.

He was going to give it his all tonight.

-three days later-

Kyuhyun woke up feeling nothing but absolute dread. Each swallow tasted like bile and his body felt lethargic and lifeless. Out of habit, he looked at the inside of his right wrist and felt relief that his soul mark was still there, although looking a lot lighter than how it first looked six years ago. The blinking 1 looked brighter, angrier even, and was blatantly taunting Kyuhyun.

Painful regret began seeping to the foreground of his mind and demanded to be reexamined again. Each pang of regret was ice-cold and he could not push the feelings of self-hatred away. Tears began welling up in his eyes and he let them fall on his pillow, his heart feeling nothing but pain as his mind replayed the past six years.

It was hard enough watching someone die. But it was even more difficult when you could feel it inside of you. He felt her getting weaker each day as the days passed. His insides felt like a mess as each day ended and the timer on his wrist changed. It was as though their souls were linked, a part of her had entered him and had no intention to leave. He could feel her life and energy slipping out of him as the final hours passed.

Finally, at just slightly pass three in the afternoon, she left. 

Kyuhyun watched as the strawberry faded into oblivion and was replaced by a flat line. The blinking number too had disappeared and in its place was the date.

Kyuhyun exhaled loudly, biting his lip hard as he tried to understand. They didn't even get to meet. He did not even have her and yet he already lost her. The irony wasn't lost on him and a strained chuckle escaped from his throat, his eyes blank as he stared at the gray wall opposite him.

The grief came in waves and threatened to consume him entirely. It was his master, for now. He was at the mercy of its whims and it bit at him with such ferocity, he feared it would leave him an empty shell.

Leaning his head against the wall, Kyuhyun shut his eyes, the magnitude of his loss sweeping over him like a tidal wave as his painful sobs reverberated throughout the room.

FIVE

Several months had passed since she had gone. Experts say that there’s five stages of grief but in Kyuhyun’s mind, he was not sure if he would ever achieve acceptance. The awful hollowness, and the wretched emptiness, was just not going away and had taken complete control of him. He was still bitter and his nightmares plagued him with sleepless nights as he thought about the girl who was his. The girl who was now gone forever. He did not know what was worse; never knowing her or not knowing why she left him.

Despite this, Kyuhyun busied himself with work. He even took Leeteuk’s advice of seeking professional help and had been seeing a psychiatrist regularly. Kyuhyun wasn't sure if it was helping. The dark void in his heart did not feel like it was going anywhere. She took a part of him with her.

But the fates had a surprise for him and the fan-sign event in Myeongdong a day after Kyuhyun turned 27 was the time for all to be revealed.

Kyuhyun eyed the crowd with a bit of distaste. He knew he shouldn't be feeling that way for the fans but he was not ready to be putting up airs and smiles when all he wanted to do was crawl back into bed and stare at his wrist, as what he had been doing on his days off.

“Can you smile a little? The fans are going to notice.”

Sungmin nudged his side and gave him a raised eyebrow. Sighing, Kyuhyun plastered on a smile and grinned at his Hyung.

“Good enough?”

Reaching out, Sungmin gave him a pat on the back before leaning forward for a partial one-armed hug. He stayed two seconds longer than necessary and Kyuhyun rolled his eyes. He could hear the squealing and rapid camera clicks in a distance.

“You know I read your fansite and your fans are suspecting that the two of us argued since we don't do skinship anymore.” Sungmin brought his lips just next to Kyuhyun’s ear. “Hang in there, lil bro. I know it's difficult but you've got this.”

Nodding, Kyuhyun felt Sungmin pull away and kept the smile on his face. Sungmin meant well and he was right. He had to do his job. He was still an Idol.

Two hours into the session and Kyuhyun thought he had had enough. Twice, he was asked about his thoughts on marrying Sungmin, much to Sungmin’s amusement and the word soulmate had been uttered so often by the fans that Kyuhyun wanted to just throw in the towel altogether.

He looked up and signaled to his manager, gesturing he wanted a break. Manager Kim came forward and restrained him.

“Wait till that little girl is done and then you go. She said she’s your biggest fan.”

Kyuhyun leaned across the table and looked at the said girl. She didn't look any older than 10 and had her hands full with a box, her copy of their album and a banner.

It was rare that a child would be amongst the fans in fan-events so the members spent a little more time than usual with her. Kyuhyun found himself getting impatient and as she went down the line of members and finally reaching Sungmin, Kyuhyun realized that the box was still in her hands.

“I’m Hyeran.”

Sungmin spoke to her and she answered his questions courteously, not at all fazed unlike the many who came before her. She then slid across the table and stood in front of Kyuhyun. She pushed the box in her hands towards Kyuhyun and he froze.

On top of the box was a letter, and both the box and the envelope were decorated with a detailed strawberry and vines border that Kyuhyun thought looked all too familiar.

“My sister loved you a lot. She said to give this to you.”

Hyeran was smiling as she said it but the smile did not reach her eyes. She then handed him her album and Kyuhyun pretended to look for a space to stall for some time.

“Why isn't your sister here with you today?”

Kyuhyun pretended to look away from her but he sensed her hesitation. Sungmin gave him a kick under the clothed table while Heechul, who was on Sungmin’s other side, shook his head.

“She couldn't come today. And we only had one ticket.” Hyeran wore a despondent expression, before shaking her head. “But she prepared this a long time ago and she wants you to read everything.”

Kyuhyun focused on the box and the envelope again. He could not concentrate on his surroundings anymore as he began feeling breathless, as though his very life was being out of him as he brought his hand forward to reach for the box. Closing his eyes, he traced the edges of the box and felt the engraved details. It felt comforting. Almost like as though he was home. Almost as though she never left at all. Kyuhyun’s intuition was working quickly and he came to his conclusion. Hyeran was her sister. He was sure of it. The answers that he had been searching for was in this box. Hyeran gave him a look and he knew she understood.

Kyuhyun could not explain what he was feeling but it felt real and surreal at the same time. It was almost like he was getting his mark again, a paradox of feelings engulfing him. Picking up his pen, Kyuhyun looked at Hyeran once more before he began writing.

I know you love your sister. I love her very much too.

Signed, Cho Kyuhyun

Closing her album, he returned it to her and got out of his chair. He lowered himself until he was at Hyeran’s eye level. Kyuhyun stretched his arms and nodded at Hyeran who seemed to be too shocked for words. Tears had formed in the little girl's eyes as she wrapped her hands around Kyuhyun’s neck.

“My sister loved strawberries. It was her favourite fruit.” Hyeran said quietly, her little arms still tightly wound around Kyuhyun.

The crowd screamed and Kyuhyun could hear several girls’ disappointed exclamations. Kyuhyun’s heart felt light and heavy at the same time and as Hyeran pulled away, she began wiping her eyes.

“I think she would have liked that hug more than the strawberries.”

Kyuhyun felt his throat tighten. Clenching his jaw, he gave Hyeran’s hair a friendly ruffle and returned to his seat.

“You promise to read everything?”

Kyuhyun nodded wordlessly as he watched Hyeran’s face break into a smile. She then brought her album towards her and proceeded to walk towards the end of the stage, waving to Kyuhyun before turning away. Kyuhyun watched her run to waiting lady who was dressed smartly in a dark, pleated dress. She, too, seemed to be in tears and embraced her daughter. She looked at Kyuhyun and even from a distance, Kyuhyun knew she was beautiful. She nodded at him gratefully, before turning around, walking hand in hand with Hyeran.

“I’ll take this and put it together with the other gifts.”

Kyuhyun felt the box being pulled from his hands and instinctively swatted the offending hands away.

The assistant looked at him fearfully and Kyuhyun felt his expression soften.

“No, I’ll keep this. It's from a friend.”

The assistant looked helpless. Kyuhyun knew it was protocol for all gifts and packages to be first screened before they could look at them but he was not letting go of this box.

“I’ll vouch for it. Hyeran showed me what was inside earlier. It’s safe!”

Kyuhyun heard Heechul’s voice from two seats away and never felt more thankful for his Hyung’s inability to mind his own business.

The assistant still wore a look of uneasiness but with Heechul and Sungmin urging her to let Hyeran’s gift pass, she relented. Manager Kim then came forward and excused Kyuhyun and he sped off straight to the team van, begging their designated driver to drive as quickly as possible back to the dorms without killing either of them.

Once he was in the privacy of his and Sungmin’s shared room, Kyuhyun felt his hands turn clammy. His hands were ice-like, shaking uncontrollably. But inside, he felt warm and almost happy. Excitement and trepidation bubbled within him as he brought the box closer. Exhaling, he looked at his right wrist again before opening the lid of the box.

Inside there was a book. It looked like a diary and there were photos pasted in several pages. Kyuhyun shut the book again and turned to the envelope that bore his name. Out fell a photograph and a letter. Kyuhyun looked at the photograph, blinking his eyes rapidly to keep the forming tears at bay.

It was a picture of her arm and on her wrist, a perfect sketch of a treble clef was engraved, the letters CKH resting daintily next to the symbol. Kyuhyun drew in a breath. Her mark was beautiful. Putting the picture next to the box, Kyuhyun reached for the folded letter.

With a shaking hand, he began to read.

Dear Kyuhyun Oppa,

By the time you receive this, I would be long gone.

The first, and only gift I could give to you. This book contains my thoughts, hopes and dreams for the two of us. The future that I wanted us to have. The things I’ve been wanting to say to you ever since I received my mark. The questions I’ve had that had been answered over the years as I came here in hopes of finally meeting you.

I’ve been dreaming of getting my soul mark ever since I knew of its existence. My parents and grandparents’ stories simply thrilled me and I couldn’t wait for my turn.

I got my mark when I was 16, 10th July 2010, to be exact and life had never been the same ever since. I’ve dreamt of our meeting so many times but this was not how I imagined it would turn out to be.

I know. How selfish. How unfair. To be given a taste of something so beautiful yet having it quickly snatched away almost immediately. But life isn’t a wish granting factory, right?

I was diagnosed a year ago and my doctor called it a miracle that I lasted more than the predicted 6 months. I just wanted to be near you one final time before I left.

21 September 2014. Jamsil Indoor Stadium. I’m sure you felt it. You must have known I was there and I could feel your happiness and energy inside me. Would it have been too bold of me to assume that I played a part in adding to your joy that evening?

I’m sorry that you had to meet me like this.

I’m sorry I was not able to live long enough for the both of us.

I am in no position to tell you to live happily. And we both know that real happiness would almost be impossible from now on. I cannot imagine how I’d feel if our roles were reversed.

With time, everything will be forgotten.

And I will just be nothing but a distant memory.

Take care and loving you for all eternity,

🍓J