I was absolutely stumped, I couldn’t even articulate how grateful and touched I was for all the above-and-beyond efforts he’s been showering me throughout the evening. It made me feel utterly cherished and valued, but at the same time, very much apologetic when I read his personal message for me at the back of the book.

Prompted by his thoughtful gesture and the guiltiness I felt after reading his letter, I stopped my show and finally put an end to my act. I began to distribute his first two gifts that I’ve been holding onto for a while. He seemed pretty pleased with it, to the point that he started playing around again and being all cheesy—manners only he is capable of pulling so well. However, the tense atmosphere came back with a vengeance when he started asking me about why I pretended I didn’t know our 200th day.

Finally, we’re here.

“Because the number of sweet potatoes decreased,” I admitted honestly. After gathering my thoughts, I went in straight for the kill. “What I am curious about is… What made you start pushing and pulling?”

There—the question I’ve been dying to ask has been uttered; it’s all out.

“I just felt like there was a wall between us," My eyes widened as he paused briefly, seeming to gather his thoughts. He continued on, explaing, "The fact that you comfortably use banmal with your friends and you get close to them so quickly, but it wasn’t like that with me.”

Oh, Oppa…

I lifted my gaze to see his features, trying to decipher the emotions in his eyes. He tried to act nonchalant about it, but I could see the sadness flicker in his usual bright orbs. It pricked my heart seeing him that way so I tried my best to disuade him out of his sadness. “Eyy… you know that’s not correct. It’s not that I got close to them quickly... but because I wasn’t close to my brothers-in-law, I had to use banmal with them.”

He skimmed past a glance at me and turned his head away almost as if he was about to throw a sarcastic remark, still unconvinced with my explanation. He asked, “Tch... who does that?”

I was adamant to make him understand because it was the truth. Nothing more, nothing less.

“People do that. I do that.” I still use banmal with my members and yet, I'm very close to them, aren't I? Why can't he see that?

“Then how come it was so difficult for you to use it with me?” He demanded softly—almost pleadingly.

“Then…” Finally—finally, I can give him his final gift. “Do you really want me to?”

“No.”

My head snapped back up so fast, I thought I might have cracked a few bones on my neck.

Wait, what?

He gazed at me with resignation. With a small, apologetic smile tugged in the corner of his lips, he continued, “I’m not going to pressure you to do it anymore.”

Disbelieving, I stared at him.

It shouldn’t be going this way, right? He should be saying 'yes,' shouldn't he? After all, he has been asking this of me for a while now. But why the sudden change?

Speechless, I felt my heart drop to the ground and hear it shatter to pieces as I pondered over how this night has gone completely sour. Dismay cannot even begin to fully describe the sick feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach.

Have I taken too long and now, he’s fed up demanding for it?

Does that mean I’m not allowed to talk to him in banmal anymore?

Did I wear him out too much with my stubbornness that now, he has chosen to give up?

Anything he said after that couldn’t even get through my head. I was too caught up in my misery and pain from his rejection and resigned expression that only a few glimpses of the night with him managed to register itself in my head. Although I recollect having our usual playful banter before we parted ways, it was all an act, a feeble attempt at covering up the dejection that was punching the air out of my chest. 

It was agonising having to stay with him a little longer and bear the pain while trying to keep the film of tears that have accumulated from cascading down my cheeks.

I felt so numb; I felt like I was operating on auto-pilot the entire evening from the moment he said ‘no.’ I was so lost in thought that I only managed to realise I’ve reached our dorm when the water from the shower head started drenching me and my sorrow away.

I still couldn’t accept the fact that the night that was turning out so great ended disastrously.

The thought that I might’ve pushed him beyond his limit was sickening. Just when I started to feel secure about opening up to him, he might not let me get close to him anymore and it felt nauseating.

Thankfully, Hyoyeon Unnie was already fast asleep by the time I got out of the shower. I didn't think I had the heart to divulge something as painful as this to anybody right now. Or even want to be questioned about why I look like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. 

As