Jeongguk doesn’t remember how it had started—okay, maybe that was a lie to make him feel better, but it wasn’t like he was actively trying to remember what had started his descent into unhealthy eating habits and a scary sort of body dysphoria that made him question everything about himself. But if he remembers correctly, it had started off as an offhand comment that shouldn’t have made him pause, but had done so anyway. Because to most, they would have taken things as a joke, but somehow, Jeongguk hadn’t and he doesn’t really know why.

Maybe it was the stress—the pressure for him to succeed and provide a good image of himself, or maybe, it was the insecurities that he had tried to stomp down and forget, but could never really do so. Because at the end of the day, he was still a dumb teenager that was just doing his best to make it with his group, but often times, still felt as if he was falling painfully short. He was the golden maknae, and yet, he didn’t really see himself as golden.

At one time, he sort of did. Reckless overconfidence that was bordering cockiness being something that had given him aid whenever he had felt down, it was something that eventually had to be squashed when others had started to notice and dislike. Fans, friends, and even family, commenting on how confident he had gotten, somewhat too much at times, Jeongguk knows that he couldn't have continued it if he tried. Because as much as it had been him enjoying the feeling of not being scared, at least, for once in his short career, it wouldn't have been seen that way.

The confidence had to be short-lived, and eventually, he re-learned his place, only for the sake of those that had noticed.

He couldn’t afford to be cocky—overzealous in what he thought he did well, because that wasn’t the right way to deal with that sort of thing. Especially when he wasn’t that confident in the first place. Teenage bravado was a lie, while humility, was a face he didn’t really know how to wear. At least not effectively.

So when he had gotten that comment, that joke so to say, he really couldn’t have brushed it off.

He was too scared not to.

Even though, he should have known that Taehyung had only been joking, not serious in any way, Jeongguk was too afraid to not take it at face value. He had been gaining weight for a while at that point, his body finally fleshing out after being stretched too thin from all the growth spurts his body had been going through, that it wasn’t like Taehyung had been lying. 

Jeongguk may have gained three kilograms within a month, but had it been truly necessary to gain that weight?

Jeongguk hadn’t really known, but when Jeongguk had tripped over himself during a dance, Taehyung automatically reaching out to steady him, maybe the comment was something he should have expected. It wasn’t like Taehyung hadn’t been going through the same thing that Jeongguk had been going through, but unlike Jeongguk who had been gaining weight, Taehyung was still a little too skinny and was still growing into himself.

It was a little hard for Jeongguk to not compare the two of them, especially since Taehyung was his best friend and ever since they had debuted, they literally did everything together. But sadly, Jeongguk gaining weight, was something that Taehyung wasn’t doing just yet and maybe, that’s where things truly started to start. 

The “Damn Jeongguk, when did you get so heavy?” comment hadn’t really been that bad, but Namjoon’s quip had made it much worse. Cheeks coloring at the “Jin-hyung, maybe you need to refrain from making Jeongguk-ah some food for a while,” Jeongguk was more than willing to flip his older groupmate off. The laughs that accompanied the jokes were what had really made things sink in, and that’s probably, where this terrible ride had truly started.

Jeongguk may have laughed at the first comment, but by the third and fourth, it wasn’t really a laughing matter anymore. Even if, Jeongguk had decided to laugh anyway for the sake of his fragile pride and not having wanted to ruin the mood. The comments were just jokes and it wasn’t like the others were truly serious, but once the idea had formed, it was hard to get rid of. Especially since it had stuck to the back of his mind for the rest of the day, sitting there until Jeongguk had been able to find himself alone and in front of a mirror with his shirt off.

Jeongguk couldn’t really see anything at first, but as he stared and stared and stared, it wasn’t long before the idea truly planted itself in his mind, taking root, so that he could see what the others had been talking about. His skin tan, yet soft against bones and his stomach thin, but nowhere near as hard as some of the other boys in the group, Jeongguk hadn’t really thought about the need for ab