Seulgi wasn’t the one to suggest the idea outright, but she provoked the thought in a way. The apartment was filled with activity. Sooyoung recited her lines for her upcoming drama before stopping to reprimand Yerim for laughing. Sooyoung insisted that she needed to take this seriously because “if someone just found out their long lost brother was actually their first love, they wouldn’t be laughing.”

Seungwan herself decided to spend her time by doing the dishes. She noticed that Seulgi was watching her for awhile from behind the counter, but didn’t mention it aloud. She knew Seulgi would panic and deny everything if she was asked if something was wrong. So Seungwan waited, aware that it was only a matter of time.

“Seungwan?” Seulgi asked. “Can I get your advice on something?”

Not taking her attention away from her chore, Seungwan hummed. “Sure,” she said. “What do you need help on?”

There was a pause. “Can we talk alone?”

Seungwan stopped, the water flowing from the faucet and onto her soapy hands. She was aware of three things. One: Seulgi didn’t mind talking in public unless she wanted to talk about something personal. Two: Seulgi was the most honest with Joohyun. Three: Joohyun wasn’t here at the moment, her schedule booked with a song collaboration.

This was about Joohyun-unnie, Seungwan concluded. It was always about her.

She turned off the faucet and dried her hands with a towel, in no rush. With a smile on her face, Seungwan faced the other girl.

Seulgi’s fingers fidgeted against the granite, her eyes focusing on Seungwan. It has to be you, she wanted to admit but was too embarrassed to speak. It was okay. Seungwan didn’t need to be told.

“Lead the way,” Seungwan said.

The duo walked past Sooyoung and Yerim. They failed to notice their sudden disappearance, for Sooyoung decided to beat Yerim with a pillow cushion when she revealed the season’s final plot twist to her friend. The way Yerim tilted her head back in laughter when she found out the main character’s rival was her half-sister was expected. “It’s not funny!” Sooyoung yelled. “This is supposed to be a heartbreaking scene!”

“Why is everyone related to each other?” Yerim cackled.

Seungwan would have laughed at the sight if it weren’t for the fact that Seulgi’s back was straighter than usual and her arms were crossed as she walked.

When they were finally alone, Seulgi’s back was against the door and she let out a sigh. Her shoulders slumped. Seungwan took a seat on her bed while her gaze never left the younger girl. Seulgi had her head turned away from her, her fists tightly holding onto her shirt.

“What’s wrong?” Seungwan asked gently.

Seulgi flinched and immediately adjusted her posture. She spun her head to look at Seungwan. The latter knew Seulgi forgot about bringing her here. Seulgi’s mind was too preoccupied with what was troubling her. The problem with Joohyun.

“You brought me here for a reason, right?” Seungwan’s voice was almost teasing.

“R-right,” she gulped. “I need to come clean with something.” Seulgi let her eyes roam up and down Seungwan as she searched for any sign of approval.

The smile on Seungwan’s face was soft. She nodded.

Biting her lip, Seulgi looked at the ground one last time before directing her gaze at Seungwan. “I'm in love with Joohyun-unnie.”

Seungwan watched as a hand was raised into a tight fist against Seulgi’s chest. Everything about her was steady, except for her shaking hands and eyes. “Is that all what you wanted to tell me?”

Seulgi’s eyes widened and she stepped away from the door and towards Seungwan. “Why are you so calm about this?” she asked. “Did you already know?”

This time Seungwan couldn't prevent herself from giggling. “Yes,” she confessed. “It, at least to me, was pretty obvious.” She always knew.

Seulgi groaned and placed her hands on her face. “Nooo,” she drawled, her words muffled from her sleeves. “What if she knows too?”

“You didn't want my advice on how to confess your feelings?” This, on the other hand, Seungwan found shocking.

Shaking her head, Seulgi showed her face once more. “I—” Her hand lowered to clutch onto her elbow. “I wanted to find a way to forget about my feelings for her. And you’re smart, so I thought you would know how.”

Seungwan knew Seulgi didn't want to explain why, but she wanted her to be honest with her feelings. If not with Joohyun, at least honest with her. “Why?”

“Because,” Seulgi started. “I know she doesn't feel the same way.”

“Why would you assume that?”

Seulgi didn't answer, her hair covering her face. Seungwan frowned and stood up from the bed. “Seulgi?”

“She's in love with someone else,” Seulgi whispered. “I know she says that she's not dating anyone, but I can tell. She's been going out more lately, her smile is so wide when she's staring at her phone, I can tell she's in love because—”

In one swift movement, Seungwan wrapped her arms around Seulgi and let her rest her head against her shoulder. The more she told Seungwan, the more she trembled, and the more Seungwan wished Seulgi didn't have to suffer like this. Despite being taller, Seulgi felt so small in her embrace.

“Shh.” Seungwan ran a hand through the girl’s brown hair as she cried onto her shoulder. “It's okay.”

“She reminds me of myself when I think about her,” Seulgi sobbed.

Seungwan’s hold on the girl’s waist tightened as if she was attempting to keep her together, attempting to keep Seulgi from falling apart. With her thumb, she rubbed circles into Seulgi’s back. I know, Seungwan wanted to say, but knew that wasn't how she was supposed to respond.

“What do I do?” Seulgi leaned back, her hands on Seungwan’s shoulders as she forced distance between them. Seungwan frowned. “I don't want to be in love with her anymore. Sh-she won't talk to me again. I just know it.”

Seungwan didn't tell her.

The only thought that crossed Seungwan’s mind was how she hated seeing Seulgi like this. Her cheeks were flushed and soaked with tears. Her eyes refused to look at Seungwan as if ashamed. All Seungwan wanted was to make a smile appear on Seulgi’s lips again. “Go out with me,” she said.

Seulgi’s breath hitched and her eyes shot open. “W-what?”

Seungwan wiped the tears in her eyes with a delicate touch. Seulgi flinched, but didn't lean away. She didn't melt into the touch either. “I can help you forget this way,” she explained.

“But I'm not,” Seulgi peered down to where Seungwan’s hands wrapped around her waist. “I'm not in love with you.” Her face winced at the end of her sentence. She must have thought it was too harsh.

It wasn't. She was only being honest, like Seungwan had hoped. She smiled. “I know,” she said. “But there's a common belief where people won't get over their old love unless you find a new one.”

“I don't want you to feel like a replacement though,” Seulgi said. “You don't deserve that.”

You don't deserve to cry over falling in love. “You don't have to say yes,” she insisted. “I just thought this would help.” She searched Seulgi’s face. “I wanted you to know I'll always be there for you.”

Confessing was daunting, but Seungwan wanted Seulgi to know that she wasn't asking her out of pity or obligation.

Seulgi stared at her and tried to detect any sign of a lie on Seungwan’s features. She didn't find any. “I… okay.” I’ll try.

There was a hint of guilt under all the butterflies in Seungwan’s chest.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Seungwan announced that she was going grocery shopping. Seulgi said that she was coming with her. Nobody was suspicious.

They strolled around the shopping district, telling stories about what had recently happened to them. There wasn't any reason to rush to the supermarket. The end of their trip meant the end of their date after all.

A smile stretched across Seungwan’s lips as she observed Seulgi laugh about the time her mother had found her and her brother’s secret supply of chips. Her eyes became crescents and her cheeks perked up.

Reaching out, Seungwan took hold of Seulgi’s hand. Seulgi recoiled and darted her gaze to Seungwan. “S-sorry, I—”

“Did you not want to?” Seungwan asked. She refused to frown, no matter how heavy her stomach felt when Seulgi didn't return the display of affection.

“No, it's not that, but…” Her fingers flexed nervously. I'm not used to this, her actions exposed when words failed her.

Seungwan smiled. “There's no need to apologize,” she said. “I'm new to all this too.”

Seulgi seemed to beam at that and Seungwan wanted to hug her and not let go. She settled for sticking out her hand towards Seulgi.

With a nod, Seulgi held onto Seungwan’s hand and interlaced their fingers. They both stared at their adjoined hands.

“We should get going now,” Seulgi murmured.

“Oh!” Seungwan’s head shot up. “Right, of course.”

Yerim and Sooyoung cheered when the duo came home with food, snatching the plastic bags from them. Joohyun was pleased when they came home with the brand of detergent she liked. Nobody commented on how Seulgi appeared flustered or how dazed Seungwan looked or how their hands took a moment too soon to separate.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Three weeks and four dates later, they had the apartment to themselves. Sooyoung called to say that she was staying on set later than planned and Yerim said she was staying over her friend Saeron’s place. Joohyun… Seungwan stopped listening as soon as the words “I'm going out” left their leader’s lips.

Seungwan was excited at the chance of an impromptu date and now they sat, crossed legs touching atop of Seulgi’s bed. The movie was boring, but someone could have been screaming on screen and Seungwan wouldn't notice. Being alone with your girlfriend at home was a lot different than being alone outside.

Seulgi was too busy to pay attention to the film as well, but Seungwan could tell it was for a different reason. Her brown eyes weren't looking at the screen, fixated on the floor as she wrapped her arms around herself.

“Seulgi,” Seungwan called out.

The girl didn't answer, but she didn't have to. I miss her. It was written all over Seulgi’s face.

Frowning, Seungwan placed her hand on top of Seulgi’s. The girl decided to accept her proposal because she wanted to forget about Joohyun. And that was what Seungwan was going to make her do. Rather than flinching away from the sudden contact, Seulgi adjusted her hand to interlace her fingers with Seungwan. She didn't move her eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” Seungwan asked.

Seulgi blinked and whipped her head to face Seungwan. “Huh?”

A blush took Seungwan’s features. “I thought you looked really beautiful just now so…” Her lips quirked up. “We can't?”

Seulgi thought about it and Seungwan wondered if it made her feel uncomfortable until she nodded. “I don't mind.”

Seungwan was the one to lean forward, her free hand clutching the carpet as soon as their lips touched. Seulgi’s lips were as soft as she imagined and the squeak that left her lips almost made Seungwan lose herself. However, she didn't think her heart would beat this fast or even imagine that her restraint would be so challenged. She told herself to not fall deeper.

The kiss was too short-lived. Seulgi’s eyes were still shut when she pulled away. As they fluttered open, Seungwan was surprised she didn't rip the carpet off.

“That was nice.” Pink tinged Seulgi’s cheeks when she realized what she said.

Seungwan snorted and laughed, resting her forehead against Seulgi’s forehead. Seungwan failed.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Their kisses became more frequent as the days rolled by. Seungwan noticed that the others were beginning to notice. Seulgi was unaware and Seungwan would’ve assumed she was just being presumptuous if it weren’t for the fact that Seulgi was a little on the dense side.

When Seulgi left to talk to the choreographer and Seungwan’s ogling trailed lower, Sooyoung smacked her back. Seungwan winced and turned to meet the other girl’s smile that chided ‘unnie, you need to work on being subtle.’ Seungwan rolled her eyes and pushed her playfully.

Yerim was normal, flipping through a magazine, when Seulgi placed her hand on Seungwan’s leg during their conversation like it was no big deal. At least, until Seungwan glanced towards Yerim again, who was wiggling her eyebrows at her. Seungwan was conscious after that and the weight on her leg seemed to burn. She blamed Yerim.

Another thing Seungwan noticed was that she was the one to initiate the kiss each time. It didn’t bother her. She knew why Seulgi was never the one to start. She was happy anyway.

How could she be upset when Seulgi still kissed her back, when this was something she dreamed about for so long? When they stood in front of their front door and she saw that nobody was around— of course there wouldn’t be since it was so late— Seungwan asked for a kiss.

“In case I don’t get another chance tonight,” she said.

Seulgi laughed and claimed that it was alright with her. Seungwan leaned up and Seulgi leaned down to meet halfway. This kiss was longer as Seungwan grasped onto Seulgi’s shirt. Every time they separated, Seungwan sighed and whispered “one more” before leaning in again. Her mind was hazy and Seulgi’s pull on her sleeve kept her steady.

Light flooded outside and Joohyun froze, one hand supporting her purse while the other held the doorknob. Seulgi pushed away from Seungwan, her eyes wide with dread as a hand covered . Seungwan herself blinked dazedly, not understanding what got Seulgi so worked up until she saw Joohyun’s unreadable expression.

The atmosphere was tense and it was bad enough to the point where Seulgi could feel it. “Hi,” Seungwan chirped. In hindsight, the silence was welcomed compared to Joohyun’s reaction.

Joohyun eyed Seulgi, who shrinked under her gaze, before acknowledging Seungwan. “Hello.” She adjusted the strap of her bag. She stepped forward and the couple backed away to give her space. The glare that Joohyun sent Seungwan, unlike her previously unreadable expression, was something she understood as if it was yelled at her face. “I’m going out. Make sure Sooyoung and Yerim don’t set the house on fire while I’m gone.” Be more discreet next time.

Seungwan nodded and Joohyun went down the hall without a word. She watched her walk away until she was out of sight. Seungwan wondered where she was going out so late at night.

A tug on Seungwan’s arm caught her attention and she turned, taking in the sight with a pang on her chest. Seulgi’s head was bowed, her face buried in her hands. Everything about her was so unsure and shaking. “I,” Seulgi started. “I—” I’m not over her.

“Seul,” Seungwan breathed and hugged her. She closed her eyes and kissed Seulgi’s cheek, doing her best to keep her from crying. “It’s okay now. I’m here.”

Seungwan didn’t tell her.

____________________________________________________________________________________

The first kiss Seulgi initiated was the most intense. Seungwan had mixed feelings and she started to doubt whether or not she was a good person.

Yerim gushed about the awards show they were invited to and Seungwan could only agree. Not only was it a chance to perform in front of other big stars, but it was also a chance to talk to friends they couldn’t meet with a lot due to conflicting schedules.

The cheering, the accomplishments, the concerts— they all filled Seungwan with joy. It only took one thing to ruin the night. Seulgi left to talk to their friend Jisoo, but Seungwan wanted to bond with the girl as well and “no, Sooyoung, not because I’m attached to Seulgi by the hip.” Yerim grinned and high fived Sooyoung while Seungwan shook her head and sauntered away.

However, Seungwan didn’t find the girl in Jisoo’s table or their own table or any of their other friends’ tables.

Seulgi was found in the other side of the venue along with Joohyun. Her back was to Seungwan, but that was all she needed to see to know what Seulgi was feeling. Seungwan couldn’t spot the man’s face, only picking up on his broad shoulders and the way he made Joohyun’s face light up. Seulgi picked up at the scene too.

The heels of Seungwan’s clacked against the floor and she laid a hand on Seulgi’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Tears brimmed Seulgi’s eyes and she blinked them away, not risking the chance of damaging her makeup. “I’m fine,” she whispered. She took Seungwan’s hand and gave it a squeeze. I want to go home.

“I’ll tell someone that you’re feeling unwell.” Seungwan rubbed the back of Seulgi’s palm with her thumb.

Seulgi was only able to nod.

It didn’t take long for all of their members to gather and fuss over Seulgi, who persisted that she would be fine after resting. Seungwan observed the way Joohyun’s eyes softened and how her hand reached up to brush away stray strands of hair. Seulgi shivered.

Joohyun didn’t know. Seungwan didn’t tell her.

They were halfway down the main corridor when Seulgi suddenly excused herself and entered the nearest bathroom.

Sooyoung and Yerim looked at each other in worry and asked their manager if she was hiding her illness all this time. Seungwan glimpsed at Joohyun. The eldest’s mouth was a thin line and her eyebrows furrowed. Seungwan knew what she was thinking. I’ll go check up on her.

“I’ll go check up on her,” Seungwan said instead and Joohyun turned her head.

Seungwan met her eyes briefly before heading to their manager. “It’s best to get the car ready and wait for us outside. I’ll be out with her soon.”

The manager agreed with her. “Come on girls,” he said as he beckoned them over. Sooyoung and Yerim reluctantly walked away with Joohyun trailing behind. Joohyun halted her movements and looked back. This time Seungwan didn’t meet her stare as she entered the bathroom.

“Seulgi?” The girl in question peered up and Seungwan was met with bloodshot eyes and a trembling figure. “Oh, honey.” She strode forward and Seulgi’s arm up and down. “I’m sorry.”

She was expecting Seulgi to cry more, to insist that she was fine, to close her eyes because she was ashamed— anything that would have made Seungwan wish she was better. Anything that would have made Seungwan heartbroken. She didn’t expect Seulgi to press her lips hard against her own, eliciting a gasp from Seungwan. This was much worse.

Seulgi led them inside a bathroom stall and locked the door behind them, pressing Seungwan against the wall. This wasn’t what Seulgi was like before. Her kisses were gentle and sweet. But this was rough and demanding as Seulgi moved against hers.

Seungwan kissed her back, encircling her arms around Seulgi’s neck to press their bodies together. She along Seulgi’s bottom lip and she felt the latter shudder against her. As their kiss deepened, Seungwan wanted nothing more than to tug on Seulgi’s hair, to moan against Seulgi and forget about everything.

She couldn’t. Seungwan felt the wetness in Seulgi’s cheeks and tasted the saltiness in , making her restrain herself. Seungwan remembered that Seulgi didn’t agree to go out with her because their feelings were mutual. Seulgi said yes because she wanted to forget her real feelings. It wasn’t working.

She leaned back and held Seulgi at bay with a hand softly pressed against her chest. Seungwan wiped the tears away from Seulgi’s cheeks and when the latter looked up at her, her lip quivered. I’m sorry, Seulgi wanted to say.

Seungwan her face as she gave brief pecks. “It’s okay,” she spoke, her voice hoarse. “I’m here for you.” She was here and Joohyun wasn’t. They stayed in the bathroom for ten more minutes and the straps of Seungwan’s dress were soaked when they got out.

____________________________________________________________________________________

The ride home was quiet. Sooyoung and Yerim spoke in whispers because they were afraid to wake up the other girl. Joohyun stared at Seungwan, her eyes darting down to her swollen lips. Her eyes pleaded for an answer. Please.

However, Seungwan simply observed Seulgi’s sleeping figure, watching her chest rise and fall. She wanted to know. Seungwan didn’t tell her.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Joohyun never mentioned the guy at the ceremony. Seulgi and Seungwan were at the stage of where they were comfortable with kissing in front of their friends. Sooyoung was a mix of pissed off and overjoyed for them because while she was happy that they were honest, she also hated the fact that they were a constant reminder of how she was single. Yerim gagged and focused on her phone. Joohyun didn’t say anything.

Seungwan felt a pair of eyes on her. She broke away and smiled at Seulgi. She smiled back, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Seungwan did her best to not cry. She knew what that meant. She always knew. I’m trying.

____________________________________________________________________________________

During the turmoil of kisses, Seungwan found herself between the sheets of her own bed and Seulgi. Her head leaned forward on instinct when Seulgi pulled away and tugged on a button of Seungwan’s shirt. “Can I?

Seungwan caressed the sliver of skin between Seulgi’s pants and tee. She nodded.

Seulgi peeled off the buttons of Seungwan’s shirt and there was a twist in the pit of the latter’s stomach. Seulgi’s eyes were dark when Seungwan’s chest met the cold air, revealing a lacy bra. Seungwan loved it. Seungwan loved her. She always did.

Taking off her own shirt, Seulgi leaned down and placed her thigh between Seungwan’s legs. Seungwan pushed their hips together when they kissed despite them already pressing on each other from head to toe. It wasn’t enough.

“Seulgi—” Seungwan the girl’s cheek when they separated for air. “Seulgi, I l—”

Seulgi’s eyes widened and jolted away, as if Seungwan’s touch was fire. It was as if Seulgi was in a dream that slowly became a nightmare. She scurried to the headrest.

“Seulgi?” Seungwan grabbed the ends of her shirt to cover herself and sat up. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry I just—” Seulgi brought her knees to her chest and pushed pressure onto her eyelids with her palms. “I—”

Seungwan knew. She didn’t want to, but she did. She knew what Seulgi saw, who she saw.

“It’s okay,” she told herself.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Today was the end. Seulgi filled the silence with endless stories they were both going to forget, holding Seungwan’s hand as they weaved their way through the crowd. Seungwan wanted to let go of her hand and run, but restrained herself. Seulgi deserved someone that would be here for her. Seungwan wished Seulgi wasn’t so honest. Seungwan wished she didn’t know.

The restaurant was empty except for them and Seulgi pulled up a chair for her. Seungwan smiled and sat down. They were given a menu and Seulgi’s fingers drummed against the table in thought. Seungwan knew she wasn’t thinking about the menu. She ordered the same thing everytime they came here by themselves.

When the food was placed, Seulgi coughed into her hand. She prepared for this day, Seungwan knew. For once, Seungwan didn’t want to know what Seulgi was thinking but she did anyway. She always did.

“Seungwan,” Seulgi piped up after twirling her fork multiple times but not eating. “We need to talk.”

Seungwan didn’t want to cry, biting the inside of her cheek.

“I talked to Joohyun-unnie,” Seulgi admitted. “I wanted to tell her the truth at least—” Seungwan closed her eyes, not wanting to look at Seulgi’s face. “I wanted to tell her that I had feelings for her, that I was going to move on and… she said she loved me. She said she always loved me. She never dated anyone.”

All this time Seungwan didn’t tell her. She didn’t tell her that Joohyun loved her because Seungwan hated her for not having the guts to tell Seulgi herself. She didn’t tell her because the fear of the seeing the two together ate her alive. They both knew Seulgi deserved someone that was honest with her. And in the end, it didn't matter. How ironic.

In hindsight, Seungwan knew this would happen. She always knew. She deserved this.

“I’m sorry,” Seulgi said after a moment of silence. “We have to break up.”

Why should she cry? Seungwan told herself she didn’t deserve to cry because when she opened her eyes, she saw that Seulgi was on the verge of tears herself. She felt guilty. Seungwan felt something else entirely.

Seungwan didn’t want to hear this anymore.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Seulgi ran up to Joohyun with a smile on her face and hugged her from behind. Joohyun laughed, telling her to stop or she’ll end up injuring both of them.

Seungwan never got to tell her. She never properly told her. She was never going to say it. She hoped her body was less honest than Seulgi’s, she hoped she looked fine. I’m still in love.

___________

[Author's Note:]

Follow me on tumblr at https://sammeup.tumblr.com
I'll be posting sneak peeks of my future fics on there. I will also be posting my own personal stories and character profiles there.