Slightly awakened by the bed dipping on the opposite side, I clutch onto my pillow even tighter.

He came home late again.

I feel the blankets being raised and the sheets ruffling. After a bit of movement, I feel arms embracing me from my back. I cringe from his touch, as if I was electrocuted.

“Waeireoni?”he asks.

I don’t reply. I just can’t face the fact that I’m his last resort. The person he goes after when everybody turns away from him.

He untangles his arms from my waist and as I peek from my shoulder, I see him turning the other way, grabs his phone and starts texting someone.

I turn around and face his back.

“Why are you doing this to me?” I ask him, willing my tears to stop from falling.

He turns around, a furious look on his face, mingled with a hint of regret and doubt. Even though he’s furious as he is right now, he’s still the gorgeous man I fell in love with. The man who gave me chocolates every valentine’s for the last 9 years. The man who always had a surprise under his sleeves for my birthday, even if he was busy as hell. The man who always took care of me when I was sick and cooked me my mom’s special porridge. The man who cancelled everything, just because I had a doctor’s appointment. The man who was never embarrassed to bring my bag while shopping. The man who never had second thoughts on coming to my side. The man who was always there for me. But not anymore. Clearly I’m not his first priority anymore.

“Mianhae.”

He crawls towards me and embraces me, filling me with his scent, a scent that I have longed for for days and even months. My tears escape as I realize that we are falling apart and the pieces are too small to reconcile.

I love him. He loved me.

I push him away as I try to wipe my tears. He cups my face, looking into my eyes, looking for that same spark that we had when we first met. All he saw was a dim light, a candle almost out. I hear him sigh as he drops his hands in defeat. 

I stand from the bed, grabbing the nearest bag I can and fill it with my belongings, my phone, my wallet and my keys. My hands waver above the keys.

Should I take it? I AM leaving, right?

I look at him one last time and bolt out the door of our room. As I cross the kitchen to the foyer, my gaze falls on the vase of fresh flowers on our kitchen counter. Lilacs.

I walk towards the counter, completely aware of his presence at the threshold of the kitchen, and I smell the flowers. I’m taken back to our first date, where he gave me roses instead of lilacs.

FLASHBACK

“Jagi~”a sweet voice said.

I turn around, only to be met with an overflowing bouquet of roses. A pair of hopeful eyes peek from behind the roses, assessing my reaction.

I pout but take the flowers. He smiles sheepishly, not knowing what to say.

“I wanted lilacs.” I requested.

He scratches his head and said “Well you see, lilacs are not in season right now. I’ve been looking all day for them, but almost all the florists told me it’s impossible to get even just a stem this season.”

I giggle at his flustering.

He looks so cute.

“It’s okay. We can’t always get what we want.” I hug him tight, flowers in hand.

I feel his sudden rigidity. I giggle even harder.

I pull away from him and look at his bright red face. I smile at him as I took his hands and started walking to a nearby bench

FLASHBACK END

Truly, we can never get what we want.

“It’s pretty late to give me lilacs. Plus they’re not in season. You told me so,9 years ago.” I snap at him.

Silence swallows me as I hear only the ticking of the clock as a reply. I walk towards the front door, putting on my jacket along the way. As I reach the front door, I turn around and see him, just standing there looking at me.

“So this is how it ends. You, looking at me from a far. Just like how it started.” I said as I stared at him

He looks away, unable to stare into my eyes any longer.

FLASHBACK

“Jaerin-ah, that guy at the corner has been staring at you since you came in the shop” Yeonhee told me. I look around, grazing my eyes over every spot until it landed on him, the guy on the corner. I flush at his boldness as he stared right back at me. He grabbed his cup, and motioned for me to drink my coffee.

I look at my cup, realizing it was empty. I stand up and went to the counter to order another cup.

“One hot caramel macchiato please.” I quickly ordered, embarrassed.

“That will be 12,000won.”the cashier said.

I grab my purse from my bag and pull out a few bills. As I handed them to the cashier, a hand flew out and beat me on giving the money. As I looked at the owner of the hand, to my surprise it was the same guy I was just having a staring contest with. A disgruntled cough wakes me from my thoughts as a customer impatiently waited behind me. I move to the waiting counter, guy in tow.

“Why?” I ask him.

“Well you seem cold. Not the personality type, but the temperature type.” he said, eyes crinkling with his smile.

I smile back at him, realizing that indeed it really is cold.

He hands me my coffee, hot and toasty, with a napkin that has his phone number written on it.

“Call me, and you won’t be cold ever again.”

FLASHBACK END

“So I’ll be cold again, just like I was all before THIS started. Thanks Jaejoong for making me think even for a second that I can be thawed.” I grab the handle of the door, ready to bolt, when a pair of strong arms captures me.

Once again, I am trapped, no matter how many times I try, I can never ever leave. I can never feel secure without these arms. I can never fall asleep thinking he isn’t mine. I cannot live without.

I fall to the ground, him kneeling behind me, as I poured my heart out, crying relentlessly. I hear him sobbing behind me, distraught.

He is mine and I am his.

I can never leave him, even if he has shredded my heart then further torn into miniscule pieces. Ripped out my soul and burned it alive.

I can’t. I just can’t.

I love him too much to hurt him.

I just don’t know if he loves me enough to see the pain that he has caused.