There are two expressions in here that, if someone doesn't know the meaning, I explained it in the end sz

They are marked with a *

Sitting on the floor, with the legs crossed, facing the white wardrobe drawers, Jonghyun listened to the raindrops of the gentle rain against the floor of the bedroom balcony; against the window glass; against his own thoughts with each every drawer of memory he opened.

It wasn’t a morbid atmosphere. Quite the opposite. The calm and persistent rain made the perfect soundtrack to the waves of nostalgia that crashed against him. And Jonghyun performed this task as if he had all the time of the world at his feet; without a shred of haste, as ironic as it might seem.

He carefully opened another drawer, preventing it from making noise, in a gentle movement. He glanced at each item, taking his time to search the depths of the files of his memory for the presence of each of them in his life. The face that had been so serious in recent years let out a brief curl at the corner of his lips. He shouldn’t sketch the suggestion of a smile – not at that moment –, but the little plush magnet of a lovely beige little cow in the corner of the drawer brought back memories.

Happy memories.

It was in one of the times they went to the amusement park. Kibum had come close to putting his lungs out after so much screaming on the roller coaster in which Jonghyun persuaded him to go, after much insistence. And to redeem himself with the younger man, who held his arm tightly and smothered desperate sobs on his shoulder, Jonghyun suggested a simple target shooting – perhaps that might soothe him. Even with shaky hands, Kibum had been able to hit one of the several targets. Jonghyun knew that everything was all right when Kibum smiled, though a bit weak, when he received the little keyring in his hands.

Jonghyun the object, lingering to feel the softness of the material under his thumb. He couldn’t say why Kibum had not thrown it away.

In the far corner of the drawer, was his wristwatch.

"Get your stuff" Kibum had said with the same weak and trembling voice that insisted on staying in his throat for days, while he drank a cup of coffee – or at least tried –, as Jonghyun entered the room door; and Jonghyun only nodded once in reply, not uttering a single word, and headed straight to the bedroom. But the older debated for a moment whether that wristwatch really was on his list of belongings.

He returned the plush magnet to the drawer and wrapped the wristwatch strap around his fingers, analyzing the design calmly.

Plain, without much detail, it was how Jonghyun liked his wristwatch. Just like the one he held: a golden halo, smooth, slightly matte from the outside; the bracelet without details; and the golden numbers inside were Roman on a white background. And if he was honest with himself, that was his favorite.

It was on his birthday that Kibum had given the watch to him.

It had been three weeks since Jonghyun had lost the old accessory down the street, and the vacant time he had left when he wasn’t working, he preferred to spend at home, resting, watching some movie, or with Kibum, than going to some watch-house.

And the younger one always liked surprises, so he made sure to cover the older's eyes with his hands and make him feel the present inside a small box during a candlelit dinner, until he found out what it was.

The older remembered very well what they did after dinner.

He set the watch on his lap, stared at the ceiling, and heaved a heavy sigh, bringing his hands behind his body and putting his weight on them. As if the white ceiling were a projection screen, Jonghyun saw clearly his memories pass before his eyes. Precious had been the time when they kissed each other with smiles and laughter on their lips, and could barely keep their hands away from each other, as if they were magnets of different poles attracting themselves at the smallest distance.

Thinking like that, it was even scary to know that night had happened almost four years ago. And they were together almost six.

They have been.

Now, – as it seemed – not anymore.

Jonghyun would be lying if he said that ending his relationship with the younger never crossed his mind. But then he remembered the good memories they had together. He remembered the ups and downs they spent together; the tears that one has shed for the other; the surprises and presents without any important occasion; the quiet nights spent looking at each other and talking without ever really uttering a word. And quickly Jonghyun gave up on the idea because Kibum was worth too much.

Ironically, the one who took the attitude of putting an end to that relationship was the younger.

That was when the first sense of regret came.

He lowered his eyes to the watch on his lap again. Jonghyun could count in one hand the times he surprised the younger with any gift. Maybe he should have taken care of Kibum with more affection. Fueled this feeling of happiness and satisfaction with a simple souvenir sometimes.

He sighed.

That time they went to the park, it was Kibum who gave the idea. Like so many other times.

But it was convenient.

Kibum had always been the most explosive and radiant of the two. Jonghyun never felt the need to try to surprise him, because Kibum already did it for both of them. But now, looking back, what harm would it do if Jonghyun had strived a little more? What harm would it have done to have been a little warmer with the younger and be the reason of the appearance of the dimples when he smiled more times? Certainly he wouldn’t feel the burden of guilt for 'not trying enough' he felt now.

On the other hand, the idea that he himself wasn’t worth it gnawed him.

Jonghyun gave up all the times this idea astonished his mind. But Kibum gave in to that. Wasn’t he as worthwhile as Kibum? Or had he worn the younger, more than the younger had worn him?

He leaned forward and leaned his forehead against one of the drawers, staring at the floor.

He remembered the times when he said "I love you" to Kibum with all the sincerity of his heart, and the cheeks of the younger's face suddenly turned red. Kibum rarely answered, but the corner of the smile that was on display every time he turned his face in embarrassment had always been enough response to that confession.

But during those six years, somewhere on the way, 'I love you' s and smiles were no longer enough.

Somehow, the magnets no longer attracted themselves, and, slowly, began to repel each other.

One or another fight in a relationship is common, and perhaps even healthy by making both parts remember that they both have feelings, and that they are easy to be hurt. But this was, by no means, something that should have become a routine.

And, at that very moment, sitting on the floor of what was to become his old room, Jonghyun couldn’t remember any argument they had.

It was ironic, and perhaps even funny in a masochistic way, but to his head only came smiles and sounds of laughter; the rare moments in which Kibum felt the courage to look him in the eye and answer "I love you" with a small voice, red face and messy hair on the pillow of the bed; the few times Jonghyun ventured into his little daring and kissed Kibum in front of everyone at the door of the movie theater, leaving the younger wide-eyed with the sudden display of affection.

Jonghyun knew they both had worn something that had been lovingly built. He knew that one hour the thread that still joined them would eventually break, but deep in his heart, there was still the small hope that some miracle would happen and they would return to be the couple they once were when they started dating.

Jonghyun looked at the palms of his hands with a frown. It looked like they were tied.

He had the vague sense of power to mend all the rips of that relationship, but in truth, he, alone, was helpless.

When did it all start to go wrong?

And shattering the glass curtain made of memories that separated him from the present at that moment, echoed a vague, distant sob coming from the kitchen. So low and so muffled that if Jonghyun hadn’t been quiet as a statue, it would have go unnoticed easily.

With his heart racing, the older made a point of holding his breath, aware of any other noise.

Two minutes in silence. Not a single peep was heard.

But Jonghyun knew Kibum too well. And no matter how many quarrels they had, every single sob of the younger was, and would always be, needles in his ears, piercing his body and always finding a way to reach his heart.

Jonghyun just loved him too much.

With light steps, the older man walked to the bedroom door, letting his fingertips wander the porous white surface of the wardrobe along the path. He stood there, in conflict with himself, afraid to invade the room where Kibum was and trigger yet another of the various quarrels they once had, but, at the same time, worried about the emotional state of the other. His decision was quickly made when another muffled sob reached his ears.

Jonghyun sighed deeply, closing his eyes for a moment before heading for the kitchen and finding the younger one with his back turned to him, leaning over the sink, with his head down. One hand was in his mouth to keep any sound from overflowing his lips, but the small jolts his body did denounced the restrained sobbing.

Jonghyun took the first step toward the younger, but stopped right there. He felt his heart heavy with Kibum's image in that state, but he wasn’t sure if consoling him would be a prudent thing to do, after all, that would be the last day they would spend together. Jonghyun didn’t know if he had that right. He didn’t know if Kibum would dodge his touch.

The older’s hand fallen beside his body longed to touch the younger, but Jonghyun couldn’t even trust himself to act the right way. He had always been horrible with gestures, though he always had the best of intentions.

It was when Kibum turned to him, with his eyes slightly swollen by the fresh crying, his hair messed up with a few strands attached to cheeks with flushed cheeks, reddish nose, and wet lips as he passed the sleeve of his shirt over one of his wet cheeks, that Jonghyun lost all control of his thoughts. Kibum made him derail the world like a heavy metal train that fell from the abyss by pure and spontaneous will.

"You ..." Jonghyun watched as the younger man's lips trembled. His voice wobbly and faint as it came out. Kibum sobbed, pulling his sleeve back over his face, regaining his serious pose. He preferred to look at the floor, then to look at his soon-to-be ex-boyfriend “Finished alrady?” He asked in a whisper, hugging himself and biting his lips inside as fresh tears threatened to appear in his field of vision.

Kibum was so focused on not crying in front of Jonghyun that he didn’t notice when he didn’t get an answer. He was surprised when two feet stopped in front of him. He raised his eyes, frowning, ready to question what Jonghyun was doing, when he felt the warm touch of the other on his cheek, trying to wipe away what remained of the tears.

"Jonghyun" Kibum warned harshly when he was pulled toward the older's chest, though he still had a low tone of voice. Kibum stood still in his place “What are you-”

"Sshhhh ..." Jonghyun whispered, pulling the younger against him again, and succeeding this time, even though Kibum had placed his hand in front of his body in some reluctance.

Kibum's face was guided cautiously to the curve of Jonghyun's neck.

"Jonghyun, stop…" Kibum asked. The voice muffled for his face still being hidden in the other's neck, but also because his emotions were overflowing.

Jonghyun did not stop.

Not because he disrespected the opinion of the other, but because he knew Kibum too well. And the younger was horrible with words.

"Sssshh ..." Jonghyun repeated the whisper, bringing one hand to the younger silky brown hair, curling the tips of his fingers in small locks in a gentle affection; the other hand hugged his slim waist, drawing circles and abstract shapes on his back. Jonghyun rested his chin on Kibum's head “Ssshh ..." He repeated, closing his eyes and concentrating on the small sobs that gushed in the curve of his neck; on the small tears that, one by one, began to wet his clothes; on the warmth of the other body that, even if unwillingly – or perhaps not so much –, wrapped his fingers in the cloth of his shirt and clung to him.

Kibum never wanted to leave Jonghyun.

Well, he might have wanted it in the brief minutes after a fight here or there, but that idea was quickly discarded too, beca