this is the longest oneshot ive ever written in my life its seven times longer than usual
im in actual pain
here it is
also i realise i mention math classes a lot in my hs aus and thats bc math is suffering
also i might have lost track of the plot while writing this bc it so goddamn long so i apologise for this 7k word m e s s
ALSO THE TITLE HAS LIKE ALMOST ZERO RELATION TO THE FIC IDK WHAT I WAS THINKING BUT IT

_____________________________

    “Oh boy! I could just kill myself!” Jungyeon laughs dryly when she gets her test back.
Another almost-fail. Great. Well, at least she passed.
Mina looks at her in horror and holds Jungyeon’s hand tightly, “Jungyeon, are you okay? Please don’t kill yourself! It’s a just a test! It wasn’t even worth that much! Just five percent! And 56% isn’t even that bad! Please don’t kill yourself!”
Jungyeon opens and closes .
“Mina I—” she doesn’t know what to say that’ll help, because Mina looks so concerned and like she’s about to cry.
Jungyeon sighs, “I won’t.”
Looks like her casual existential despair will have to wait.

    Mina sits at their lunch table, deep in thought. She sighs.
Momo is the only one there with her so far, so she’ll just have to ask her, “Momoring.”
Momo looks up absentmindedly, “hmm?”
Mina sighs, “I think—I think Jungyeon is—I’m worried. About Jungyeon.”
“What? Why?” now Mina has her full attention.
Mina huffs, “well—I don’t know! She keeps talking about killing herself! And I’m worried. I don’t want Jungyeon to be sad.”
“I—wait—killing herself?”
“Yeah!” Mina nods quickly, frowning and looking worried, so Momo knows that she’s actually serious, “we got our tests back today, and she got a 56%, which is—I don’t know—kind of bad? But she still passed! Anyway, she saw her score and she was like ‘Oh boy! I could just kill myself!’”
When Momo starts laughing, Mina is confused. Isn’t this a serious problem? One of their friends is suicidal! This is no laughing matter! 

    Momo keeps laughing, to the point that she starts crying, holding onto her belly as she struggles to breathe, and Mina begins to feel a little annoyed.
“Why are you laughing? I’m serious! Is this a joke to you?” she chides.
“No—Mina—I—I can’t believe you’re actually—oh god I can’t do this, it’s too funny,” Momo wipes tears from her eyes.
Mina huffs, “if you’re not going to help, I’m going to ask Sana.”
“No—Mina please! Just let me—” and then Momo bursts into laughter again and Mina waits for the others in irritation.

    She’s met with the same reaction from Sana, so she goes to Nayeon. Nayeon’s reaction isn’t much different. Fine! She’ll just do things herself!

    When Jungyeon is finally free from a rather embarrassing and unwelcome talk with her math teacher about her recent almost-failure (“are you okay Jungyeon? Were you just having a bad day?”) she heads out for lunch. As she reaches their table, she sees Mina standing up abruptly and stomping away as Sana, Momo and Nayeon are collapsed over each other in a trembling heap. When she gets closer she sees that the three of them are shaking with laughter and are all in tears.
“What in the world—”
“Jungyeon!” Nayeon manages through her sobs.
“Why are you all like this? What the hell happened.
“It’s Mina! She—” Momo doesn’t finish her sentence before she bursts into laughter again. Sana is the first one to recover, pushing Nayeon and Momo off her and straightening herself, panting slightly as she wipes away her tears.
“Jungyeon-ah, you should really try to stop making your dumb jokes,” Sana says, stifling another laugh.
“What? Why? How else am I supposed to express my craving for the sweet embrace of death?” Jungyeon snickers.
Momo laughs even harder, and the noises she makes start to sound like a dying animal.
Nayeon breathes out deeply, face twitching as she tries to be serious, “what we’re trying to say is that—”
“Mina thinks that you actually want to kill yourself!” Momo slaps the table, howling with laughter.
By now, at least half of the cafeteria is staring at them and Jungyeon really wishes Momo would just disappear.
Nayeon and Sana seem to share the same sentiments, as the two of them clear their throats and look at Momo expressionlessly.
“Okay, now that you’ve said it out loud, it’s not funny,” Nayeon frowns.
Sana nods, “yeah.”
“Wait Mina—what?”
Nayeon looks at Jungyeon, “yes, Mina thinks that you actually want to kill yourself. In hindsight, we probably shouldn’t have laughed so hard but in our defence Momo laughed first so it was really her fault—”
“Nayeon, you’re getting off track,” Sana interrupts.
“Sorry. Anyway because she’s too pure and too good for this world, Mina is really worried about you.”
“But I’m—it’s a joke,” Jungyeon argues in confusion.
“Yes, but,” Sana points out, “Mina doesn’t know you’re joking.”
Jungyeon is even more confused, “how? I’m literally the most sarcastic and cynical person in the whole world; everyone knows this. When have I ever been serious about anything?”
“That’s…a fair point. But wouldn’t you rather Mina not know you’re a giant ?” Nayeon asks.
Jungyeon glares at her.
“In any case, who really cares about Jungyeon?” Sana says before Jungyeon can start an argument with Nayeon, “I’m more worried about Mina. She’s too nice to have to worry about someone like you, honestly. Stop making our small child sad. She’s too pretty to frown over you.”
Jungyeon opens and closes , unable to argue because Sana’s right, isn’t she?
She sighs, “fine. I’ll try.”

    She tries to go one day without making one of her jokes. Just one.
“Oh my god that essay was absolute bull,” Nayeon groans, letting her head drop to the table.
Mina tilts her head innocently, “I thought it was alright.”
Nayeon squints, “that’s because you like poetry! And you can actually read at a high school level! Momo can only read menus.”
“Hey!” Momo frowns.
Jungyeon rolls her eyes, “what are you talking about Nayeon? I love poetry, gotdam—”
‘shove a poetry up my ’  is what she wants to say, but she looks at Sana who’s staring at her with a raised eyebrow, and then at Mina who’s looking at her attentively, waiting for the rest of her sentence.
She falters, “y-yes. I love poetry. That is all.”
Sana gives her an approving nod.
Mina beams at her, “see, Nayeon? It’s not that bad!”
Good god, Mina really is too pure.

    Jungyeon finds Sana at her locker after school, “Sana, I can’t do this.”
“Hmm?”
“I am nothing without my ty jokes please don’t do this to me,” Jungyeon is almost begging.
Sana grins, “it’s true though. You’re actually really boring.”
“Sana please.”
Sana sighs, “what’s the big deal? Can’t you just do it for Mina? I mean—isn’t it nice seeing her smile and not worry about your dumb just because you can’t keep your mouth shut?”
Jungyeon huffs, “fine.”

    It’s a Saturday, and the five of them are having their usual hang out in the park, after having bought bubble tea and chips. Momo has gone to get some nuggets, while Sana and Nayeon find themselves distracted by a group of little kids. Jungyeon lies on the grass. She just wants to sleep, because she had spent the last night watching obscure early 2000s sitcoms on her phone and is full of regret. She closes her eyes for a few seconds, enjoying the ambience.
“Jungyeon?” Mina asks.
Jungyeon opens her eyes. Oh. Mina is still here.
“Oh. Didn’t you go with Momo?”
Mina shakes her head, “I just wanted to—I didn’t want you to be by yourself.”
“Wh—” wait. Is Mina trying to—comfort me?
“Jungyeon are you okay?” her voice is laced with concern.
“Mina I—”
Jungyeon shuts up when Mina puts a hand over hers, “it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it but I—” Mina moves closer and lies down next to Jungyeon, “I’ll listen to you.”
Jungyeon opens and closes . Is this when she tells Mina that she was joking? But what if Mina gets embarrassed and never talks to her again? What if Mina gets mad, because she was actually genuinely worried?
Jungyeon decides against saying anything other than, “okay.”
When Mina gives her a gentle smile and squeezes her hand, she decides that, yeah, that was the best decision.

    “I can’t believe you didn’t tell her that you were joking!” Sana shakes her head.
“Well what was I supposed to do? She looked legitimately concerned and I didn’t want to embarrass her!” Jungyeon argues.
“Sure. And I bet you only let her hold your hand so she could feel like she was actually comforting you,” Sana rolls her eyes.
Jungyeon squints, “what are you trying to say?”
“Nothing.”

    Mina starts leaving little motivational notes in her locker everyday. Today it’s “Stars can’t shine without darkness :)”
Jungyeon sighs. She can’t help but feel like she’s taking advantage of Mina somehow. That feeling intensifies when Mina offers to help her with the subjects she’s struggling with.
“Okay,” says Jungyeon.

    If it was anyone else, Jungyeon would probably be frustrated with the constant worry and concern for a problem that doesn’t even exist. But it isn’t anyone else; it’s Mina. Mina, who is too nice, too good, too pure for this world; Mina, who sits with her patiently after school in an empty classroom and helps her with her homework.
Mina.
How grateful she is to have a friend like Mina.

    “You’ve been…quiet lately,” Nayeon notes as they sit in the library one Sunday afternoon, studying (or at least trying to).
Jungyeon looks up and pushes her glasses up her nose, “yeah well…yeah,” she shrugs.
“Is that it?” Nayeon scoffs, “the Jungyeon I know would have absolutely destroyed me with a sarcastic comment or something. What’s up with you?”
“Nothing?” Jungyeon frowns.
“This . You’re so boring now. Who am I going to have sick banter with?” Nayeon whines.
Jungyeon shrugs.
“You .”

    Nayeon has had enough. She lets this be known at lunch, when the group is settled at the table. Sana is bickering with Momo in Japanese, with Mina watching on with quiet amusement. Jungyeon watches too. Nayeon watches Jungyeon, waiting for her to make a comment—it doesn’t even have to be funny, just one goddamn comment to let her know that Jungyeon is still Jungyeon.
It doesn’t come.
Nayeon has had enough.
She slams her hands down on the table, making it shake so hard that their trays rattle on it.
“Yoo Jungyeon!” she seethes.
The four of them look at her in shock.
“Make a ty joke, for God’s sake!” Nayeon continues.
“Nayeon wh—” Jungyeon is so confused.
“Nayeon runs a hand through her hair in frustration, “you haven’t said anything dumb in like, ten years! What is wrong with you? Did aliens abduct the real Yoo Jungyeon and replace her with—with this poor attempt at an imitation?”
Jungyeon opens and closes .
“And why do you keep doing that? That—that dumb goldfish thing? If you want to say something then say it! I swear to god, I’m going to shove a clown up your !”
Jungyeon wants to hide, “Nayeon, please.”
She feels someone grip onto her arm.
“Why would you do that? It sounds painful. What’s the point? How do you even get a clown up—up there?” Mina asks in confusion.
“She’s just joking Minari—I think,” Sana says reassuringly(?), “I mean, I don’t know. Nayeon seems pretty mad right now. Maybe she will really shove a clown up Jungyeon’s .”
“I wanna be there when it happens,” Momo chimes in.
Jungyeon glares at the both of them. But her gaze softens when Mina’s grip on her arm tightens.
She’s about to say something (to Nayeon? To Mina? She can’t remember anymore) but Nayeon walks out before anything can be said and Jungyeon is just left to stare at her back as she leaves the cafeteria.
Sana clears , “well that was certainly…entertaining?”
Mina is still gripping onto Jungyeon’s arm.
Jungyeon laughs, “you don’t have to be so scared Mina, I’ll be fine. I’m so full of anyways, there’s no way a clown could fit up there.”
Momo snorts, “that’s the funniest thing you’ve said in like, a month.”
Unfortunately Mina doesn’t think so, “what?”
“I—never mind. I’ll go find Nayeon,” Jungyeon sighs.
Mina tugs on her sleeve when she stands up, “but what if she actually shoves a clown up your—your b-?”
Jungyeon grins, “I’ll be fine.”

    She finds Nayeon at her locker, muttering angrily to herself and stuffing crumpled pieces of paper into the gaps.
“Are you—is that hate mail?”
“Go away, Jungyeon—if that’s even your real name.”
Jungyeon rolls her eyes, “why are you mad? This doesn’t make any sense.”
“You know what doesn’t make any sense?” Nayeon looks up from her operations, “you suddenly changing!”
“What? I haven’t changed?”
“Yes you have!” a fist is slammed into the locker and Jungyeon jumps a little.
“No—no I haven’t,” Jungyeon frowns.
“How long have we been friends, Jungyeon?” Nayeon asks.
“Um…like…since primary school…so like, ten years?”
Another slam of the fist, “see! The real Jungyeon would have said ‘not as long as my dong’! It’s like I don’t even know you anymore!”
Jungyeon covers in shock, “holy . You’re right. God, who am I?”
“Is it a guy? No—a girl?”
“What?”
“Don’t ‘what’ me,” Nayeon rolls her eyes, “you’re trying to impress someone, right? Why didn’t you tell me? Me! Your best friend!”
“What? There’s nothing to tell! I’m just trying to be less sarcastic so Mina doesn’t have to worry about me anymore!”
“‘Less sarcastic’? This isn’t even less sarcastic, it’s negative sarcasm! You’re actually genuine now! Wait—Mina?”
Jungyeon feels a little embarrassed, for whatever reason, “y-yeah? So?”
“You’ve thrown away the only defining trait of your personality. For Mina,” Nayeon’s frown has turned into a wicked grin and Jungyeon’s not sure if she likes where this is going.
Jungyeon clears , “what’s your point? I’m just being a good friend.”
Nayeon scoffs, “what would you know about being a good friend? I asked you how to spell a word one time and now the whole school thinks I’m dyslexic.”
“That was not my fault I—”
“Shut up. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you like her,” there’s that wicked grin again, “don’t you?”
Jungyeon feels hot, suddenly, “w-well yeah, duh. I like all my friends—except you, you can rot—”
Nayeon snorts, “you know what I’m talking about, Jungyeon, don’t pretend. You like her.”
“I do not!” Jungyeon gasps.
“Sure.”
Jungyeon opens to argue, but before she can say anything, the bell rings and the hallway is flooded with students trying to get to class, and she’s left standing there in front of her locker as Nayeon walks off.
She rests her head on the cool metal of her locker and looks at her shoes, “I don’t like her like that,” she mutters. 

    “Never never never give up (ง’̀-'́)ง !!!!!!” is what Jungyeon finds in her locker today. She takes what she needs and closes the door, tucking the note into her pocket.
“Jungyeon.”
She jumps. Calming herself, she turns around.
“Yeah?”
Mina looks at her with those worried eyes again, “is Nayeon still mad at you? Did she—shove a clown up your—your b-?”
Jungyeon laughs, “oh, no. I think we’re good now. She was just being, you know, Nayeon.”
Mina nods, but she doesn’t seem convinced.
“I feel like you don’t believe me,” Jungyeon laughs again.
Mina shakes her head, “no no! It’s not that! I’m just—I’m just worried about you a lot.”
Jungyeon feels herself soften, “you don’t have to.”
Mina pouts, “I don’t know,” she sighs, “I just don’t want my friends to be sad.”
Friends, that’s right, she doesn’t like Mina that way, and Mina doesn’t like her that way either. They’re friends.
She smiles, “okay.”

    Of course Jungyeon thinks about it. How can she not, when whenever she so much as sits next to Mina in Nayeon’s line of sight, she’s met with wiggling eyebrows and wicked grins and her phone buzzing incessantly with winky-face emojis (among other, more crude combinations). As much as she wishes those thoughts would roll out of her head as she rolls her eyes, they don’t, and everyday, she finds herself thinking about it even more.
Mina notices too, “what are you thinking so hard about?” she asks, with that little tilt of her head.
You. God, what am I thinking? I don’t like her like that. But…I could, I mean who wouldn’t—.
“I’m just—wonder what I got on that last test,” Jungyeon laughs nervously, hoping that Mina buys that story.
She does, “you’ll be fine! We studied so hard!” she pats Jungyeon’s hand softly, and Jungyeon feels her ears go hot—but only because she’s embarrassed that she was worried in the first place. Yes. That’s it. That’s why there are butterflies. But it’s not because she likes Mina, no way.

    It’s another Saturday, and while Sana and Jungyeon laze around on the grass, watching over the food, Momo and Nayeon have dragged Mina down to the mall so that she can help them pick out some nail polish. Or something. Jungyeon doesn’t know. She has other things on her mind.
“So,” Sana begins, stretching her arms in the air and her legs out on the grass, “you’ve been spending a lot of time with our Mina.”
“Yeah, she’s been helping me with homework and stuff,” Jungyeon answers as casually as she can. There’s something suspicious about this sudden conversation.
Sana nods, “you’re a lot less sarcastic too, like Nayeon said.”
Jungyeon reaches for a chip, “where are you going with this?”
“Do you like her?”
“Wow, okay. Straight to the point—the straightest you’ve ever been,” Jungyeon snickers, hoping that they’ll just—just stop talking about this.
Sana looks at her. Her eyes are cold, and there’s no sign of her usual smiley self, “Do. You. Like. Her.”
“Christ, first Nayeon, now you! Why do you guys think I like Mina? It’s not like that!” Jungyeon ruffles her hair in frustration.
“And why not? Is she not good enough for you?” Sana raises an eyebrow.
Jungyeon opens and closes .
And then Sana break into a grin and slaps her (hard) on her shoulder, literally knocking the air out of her, “I’m just kidding! Geez, did Nayeon really shove that clown up your ?”
Jungyeon groans, “you’re impossible.”
And if anything, Mina’s too good for her. 

    On her birthday, after the obligatory, embarrassing birthday song—screamed by Nayeon, mumbled by Momo, sung by Sana and Mina, backed up by various strangers in the crowded cafeteria—after opening another one of  Nayeon’s usual ty joke presents (that Jungyeon is grateful for nonetheless), after finding her real present in her locker (from all four of them, plus a card that Momo made, kind of falling apart, but hey, it’s the thought that counts), after she’s showered with hugs from her friends, after everyone’s gone to class, she’s pulled aside by Mina.
“Jungyeon,” she says, tugging on Jungyeon’s sleeve as she organises her locker.
“Hmm?”
Mina doesn’t say anything, only rummages through her bag. Jungyeon watches her curiously, and Mina hesitates a little. She pulls out an old looking book, dull at the corners, with yellowing pages.
She holds it out to Jungyeon nervously, “I just wanted to—I wanted to give you this.”
Jungyeon takes the book and thumbs through it.
Mina looks at her, then looks away, her voice smaller than it was before, “you said—that you loved poetry so I thought you might like this.”
Closing the book, Jungyeon holds it tightly in her hands and smiles at Mina, “I’ll make sure I read it. Thanks.”
Mina’s blushing now, and Jungyeon knows that she is too. But there’s no one else in the hallway but them (thank god for free sessions), no Nayeon to wiggle her eyebrows and send dumb messages, no Sana to glare at her disapprovingly. So she pulls Mina into a hug. To say thank you. Because that’s what friends do when they are grateful for each other! Yes, that’s right.
“Happy birthday, Jungyeon,” Mina says quietly, returning the hug.
Jungyeon feels herself soften. But only because she’s so grateful to have a friend like Mina! Yes that’s rig—oh, who is she kidding. If she didn’t like Mina before, she sure as hell did now.
Well, . 

    The first thing she does when she goes home is pull Mina’s book out of her bag and shut herself in her room to read it. Every page is full of Mina’s immaculate handwriting, every blank space filled with annotations and notes and Mina’s thoughts on each poem and Jungyeon feels like she’s been given a part of Mina to hold and to have. She reads every poem, every written word, from poems about ducks and the author’s big toe, to Mina’s every note, every scribble. She takes it all in; goddammit, she really likes Mina.

    “Sana.”
“Yeah?”
“What am I gonna do?” Jungyeon groans.
Sana shrugs, “well I don’t know. Quit school and become a stripper? Really worked out for one of my cousin’s friends, I’ll tell you that.”
Jungyeon groans again.
“Jungyeon, I can’t help you with any of your problems if you don’t use actual words,” Sana rolls her eyes.
“I like her.”
“Who? What?” Sana squints.
Jungyeon groans for the third time, “Mina. I like Mina.”
Sana smirks, “well, isn’t that cute.”
“What am I gonna do?”
“I dunno,” shrugs Sana, “not much I can say on the matter, other than she’s still too good for you, but I’ll let it slide since we’re all friends.”
“Gee. Thanks.”
“Shouldn’t you be talking to Nayeon about this? I mean, she is your best friend after all.”
Jungyeon shakes her head, “I can’t do that, she’ll know that she was right about me liking Mina. She will never let me live.”
“I see your point,” Sana nods thoughtfully, “well, what are you going to do?”
Jungyeon opens and closes , “I—nothing. I’m not going to do anything.”
Sana shrugs, “well, it’s up to you.”
It’s easier if she does nothing, isn’t it?

    It’s getting hard to do nothing. Jungyeon almost—almost reaches her breaking point when they get their tests back.
80%. It’s alright. Definitely an improvement.
“Can I look?” Mina asks.
Jungyeon looks at her and feels a weird fluttering in her stomach when she sees that Mina has here yes covered with both hands.
“Yeah.”
Mina slowly moves her hands and peeks at Jungyeon’s paper. When she sees the score makes her hands into fists and shakes them excitedly, beaming at Jungyeon. Jungyeon grins. That grin falls when Mina throws her arms around her and shakes her around excitedly.
And god. A kiss on her cheek. Is Mina trying to kill her? (Of course not, Mina is too nice to ever do that.)
“Fall seven times and stand up eight! (๑و•̀ω•́)و” is the note in her locker that day. Jungyeon wants to cry (or laugh? She doesn’t even know anymore). She’s only fallen once and she can barely stand up. Pathetic.
I’m pathetic.

    “Sana.”
“Yeah?”
“What am I gonna do?” Jungyeon groans.
“Jungyeon. I know I am a very well-informed and intelligent individual, but I don’t have the answers to your question,” Sana huffs, “anyway, wasn’t your plan to “not do anything”?”
“That plan is slowly failing. How can I not do anything? It’s impossible not to like her!” Jungyeon whines.
Sana’s gazes shifts from Jungyeon to a spot behind her, “oh hey Minari!”
Jungyeon feels like vomiting.
“Hello Sana, Jungyeon,” Mina smiles.
“Hey M-Mina.”
“Impossible not to like who?” Mina asks teasingly, “does Jungyeon have a crush?”
Sana grins (it’s wicked, and reminds Jungyeon of Nayeon, which is not good), “well wouldn’t you like to know.”
Mina gasps, “who?”
“Sana! Shut up!” Jungyeon hisses.
Sana’s grin widens, “why, it’s you—”
“YUHA. IT’S YUHA,” Jungyeon yells franticly, in an attempt to salvage the situation.
Mina’s mouth hangs open, “aaaaah…Yuha! Well, she’s pretty! Who wouldn’t like her?”
Well I don’t.
Sana looks at Jungyeon in disbelief, “you are incredible.”

    They sit in their usual silence, in the usual empty classroom, as usual, studying. There’s nothing but the sound of a pencil scratching against paper as Jungyeon tries to finish an essay and the soft tapping of calculator keys as Mina does her math homework.
Mina clears , “sooo…when did you start liking Yuha?”
I don’t like her!
Jungyeon opens and closes , “oh well, you know, in, um, primary school?”
God, I’m an idiot.
Mina squeals and claps her hands, “that’s so cute!”
Jungyeon wants to punch herself in the face. It would be a lot less painful than having to get herself out of this hole she’s dug.
“I guess,” she shrugs.

    “Sana.”
“Yeah?”
“What am I gonna do?” Jungyeon groans.
Sana slams her locker shut, “why do all our conversations start like this now?”
Jungyeon ignores her, “I can’t believe I did this to myself.”
“Same—I mean, I knew you were stupid, but that was on a whole new level, congratulations.”
Jungyeon groans, “why is this so hard?”
Sana shakes her head, “you did this to yourself.”

    “…who are you?” Yuha is confused. Isn’t she supposed to be meeting Mina in this cafe? Who is this stranger?
“I—I’m Yoo Jungyeon?” Jungyeons stutters.
Yuha nods slowly, “uhuh. I’m supposed to be meeting Mina? Where is she?”
Jungyeon sighs, “I’m really sorry about this. Mina only asked you to meet her here so that you would meet me, because she thinks that I have a crush on you—which I can assure you, I do not—and while I really appreciate the trouble she went through she’s got it all wrong and I,” she sighs again, “I’m an idiot.”
Yuha nods again, “so I’m just wasting my time here.”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“Never mind. Coffee?”
“No thanks,” Jungyeon shakes her head, “I think I’ll just head home.”
“Well, suit yourself,” Yuha shrugs.
Jungyeon walks out alone. Sure, she appreciates the way Mina takes care of her and pays attention so closely; she just wishes it was different.

    “Make your own sunshine!!” Jungyeon almost crushes the note in frustration. How ironic. She did make her own sunshine. She’s made Mina her sunshine and it is, hands down, the worst thing she’s ever done.

    Mina greets her with a smile, “how was it with Yuha?”
Jungyeon sighs, sort of in relief, sort of in frustration, “she doesn’t like me like that.”
Mina’s face falls. Placing a comforting hand on Jungyeon’s shoulder, she searches her face for signs of sadness.
(Of course, Jungyeon is sad, but not for the reason Mina thinks.)
“Are you harassing my child, Jungyeon?” to Jungyeon’s chagrin, Sana has made herself present. Wonderful.
“Oh no, Sana,” Mina shakes her head, “I was just—asking Jungyeon about Yuha.”
Sana rolls her eyes and snorts, “oh yes, a real pity, that.”
“Do you live to make me feel about all the decisions I make?” Jungyeon glares.
Sana feels herself getting more and more irritated with every second she has to deal with the consequences Jungyeon’s life choices, “well, I don’t know, maybe if all your decisions weren’t so —”
“There’s nothing wrong with Jungyeon liking Yuha!” Mina interrupts, trying to pacify the situation.
“Jesus Christ!” Sana yells in frustration, “I can’t take this anymore!”
Mina opens and closes .
“Jungyeon doesn’t have a crush on Yuha. She doesn’t have a crush on anyone other than you!”
How Jungyeon wishes she could strangle Sana.
“M-me?” Mina’s eyes widen.
Sana clamps her hands over , “you didn’t hear that from me.”
Jungyeon is torn between beating Sana into the ground and explaining herself to Mina.
“Mina I—” but before she can get any further, Mina is hurrying away.
Jungyeon opens and closes .
“Well, better luck next time?” Sana winces.
Jungyeon whips around to glare at her, “I am this close to hurling you off the second floor. That’s very close.”
Sana gulps, “I’ll shut up from now on.”

    “I’ll shut up from now on,” said Sana.
Jungyeon calls bull, because when she gets to their table, Sana, Momo and Nayeon are looking at her with those worried eyes she’s so used to seeing on Mina. And Mina isn’t there.
“I don’t need your pity,” Jungyeon rolls her eyes.
“Stop being so pitiful! I want to say I told you so,” Nayeon whines.
“Just say it, then,” Jungyeon just doesn’t feel like arguing today.
Nayeon actually looks worried for her, and Jungyeon feels like . She looks at Mina’s usual spot, now empty. Sighing, she ignores the urge to ask where Mina is, and rests her head on the table.

    “Sana.”
“Hmm?” Sana hums.
“What am I gonna do?” Mina groans.
Sana looks Mina straight in the eyes, “what do you want to do?”
Mina hesitates, “I want to—I want to see Jungyeon.”
“Why?”
“I just—I miss her.”
Sana sighs, “maybe it’s best if you don’t.”
“Huh?”
“Maybe…maybe it’s not what she needs right now.”

    Mina doesn’t turn up for lunch. During math she swaps spots with Momo, and sits next to Sana (at the back of the class, so Jungyeon can’t even look at her back longingly). This continues for a week, then Jungyeon decides that she can’t take it anymore. She gets to school early enough to find Mina at her locker.
“Mina.”
Mina jumps. When she sees Jungyeon, her eyes widen, and Jungyeon sees her fists clench a little (and it hurts, a little).
Clearing , Mina tucks a stray lock of her behind her ear, “g-good morning, Jungyeon.”
“Are you avoiding me?” Jungyeon cuts to the chase, not confident that she can stand the usual pleasantries without wanting to rip her heart out of her chest.
“I—” Mina sighs, “I’m sorry.”
Jungyeon laughs nervously, “is this because I like you? Because you don’t have to worry about that! I’ll move on! Soon. Maybe.”
Mina doesn’t say anything and Jungyeon feels stupider by the second.
She sighs and closes her eyes, “it’s okay if you don’t like me back. I just—just being friends is enough for me.”
The soft impact of Mina’s body on hers and the way her hands clutch the back of her shirt is enough to make Jungyeon’s legs give out.
“Maybe it isn’t enough for me,” Mina whispers.
Jungyeon’s mouth is dry.
Well .

    “Sana.”
“Yeah?”
“What am I gonna do?” Jungyeon groans.
Sana sighs, “really, every time—”
“She said she liked me.”
“What.”
“Mina. She likes me.”
Sana squints, “source?”
Jungyeon rolls her eyes, “Mina, you nong.”
“Spill.”

    Sana is strangely supportive of this budding romance (if it can be called that). Well, she's not actively supportive, per se, but she does stop saying that Mina is too good for Jungyeon, so that’s a step forward. Things with Mina return back to normal; she’s returned to her usual spot next to Jungyeon, turns up for lunch—but the silence still lingers. Jungyeon finds her frustration growing, and when Mina turns away, flustered, for the nth time, she decides she has had enough. So she this time she waits at Mina’s locker for her after school (even waiting an extra hour because she didn’t know that Mina was in the school band? Why didn’t anyone tell her?), until everyone has left. She’s sat on the floor now, tired from standing, almost asleep.
“J-Jungyeon?” ah. She missed the sound of Mina’s soft steps.
Suddenly awake, she stands up, “Mina.”
“Why are you still here?” Mina asks, “everyone’s gone home.”
“I just wanted to—” Jungyeon stops herself—no, straight to the point this time, “you’re avoiding me.”
The way Mina looks at the floor, ashamed, confirms her statement.
Jungyeon can’t describe the feeling in the pit of her stomach. Is it disappointment? Hurt? Regret? Either way, bile rises up in and it burns when she tries to swallow it down.
“Oh,” she mutters, turning to leave.
“W-wait!” Mina cries, holding Jungyeon back with a hand around her wrist.
The bile rises again.
Mina returns her gaze to the floor, “do you wanna—walk with me?” she asks shyly.
Jungyeon says yes in a heartbeat.

    Maybe walking home with someone who couldn’t even look at her properly was a mistake. Their shoulders bump and brush and the backs of their hands graze against each other and Jungyeon begins to feel restless. She counts. One, two, three, four, five—five times the knuckles of Mina’s hand knock against her own before she ejects every screaming thought from her head and takes Mina’s hand in hers. Mina looks at her, surprised. Jungyeon just keeps looking forward, afraid to see her face. From the corner of her eyes she can see Mina’s burning cheeks which match her own. Mina looks down again, and a curtain of dark hair covers her face. Jungyeon manages to find the courage to look at her, and she can see that Mina has her free hand over , hiding a smile. She squeezes her hand lightly and Mina’s hand falls from and a laugh escapes. When Mina’s eyes disappear into curves on her face and her upper lip curves in, exposing her gums. Against the cotton candy clouds and in the evening breeze, Jungyeon finds love.

    The silence lingers, still. It’s not exactly what she imagined, but Jungyeon settles. A little more than friends, a little less than lovers; it’s not really what she wants but she’s satisfied. For now anyway. It’s just nice to have Mina beside her, as a friend, if nothing more. Nayeon still throws her teasing glances and Sana glares playfully. Sometimes, Momo has this knowing look on her face when Mina’s hand lingers on Jungyeon’s arm for longer than it should. While Mina blushes and vehemently denies anything, Jungyeon rolls her eyes and just ignores her dumb friends (she’s also careful to hide her smiles when Mina’s hand looks for hers under the table during lunch).

    Amidst the scratching sound of pencil against paper and the clicking of calculator keys, Jungyeon hears Mina clear .
“You know,” she begins, in a whisper, “when you said you had a crush on Yuha, maybe I was a little bit jealous.”
Jungyeon stops writing. Then she breaks into a grin, “who’s Yuha?”
Mina looks up, slightly confused, because how can Jungyeon forget who Yuha was? They’ve met before! Then she realises that Jugnyeon’s just being Jungyeon and she laughs. Jungyeon wants to keep that laugh forever.
“So…you were jealous?” Jungyeon asks teasingly.
Mina feigns ignorance, “I never said that.”
“Yeah, sure, okay.”
When they walk out the school gates they see Yuha and her friends and Jungyeon laughs when Mina holds onto her hand tightly. Really, Jungyeon doesn’t think that she has anything to be jealous of at all, but she holds on just as tight anyway (and Mina’s hand is soft and warm).

    Somewhere between flushed cheeks and even more flushed cheeks, Mina kisses her. It’s another Saturday and they’ve ditched Momo, Sana and Nayeon, under the pretence of a “math project” (what the hell is a math project?). In reality they're on Mina’s sofa, watching a movie and—! Who picked this movie? Why is there a scene? Flustered, Jungyeon looks away from the screen and at Mina, laughing nervously. Mina, who has her knees pulled up to her chin, watches the scene with open, flushed and too shocked to tear her eyes away. At least, that’s what Jungyeon thinks. When Mina finally manages to look away there’s a fire in her eyes, a newfound confidence as she looks at Jungyeon. And god, kissing Mina is nothing like she had ever imagined. It’s quick and soft, but nothing short of lovely and maybe Mina breathes butterflies into because that fluttery feeling is back and Jungyeon feels her heart swell with affection. The movie is forgotten when Mina wraps her arms around her, pressing her face into Jungyeon’s chest in embarrassment, in sheer happiness. Jungyeon holds her tight and feels her eyes close with the force of her smile. 

    Maybe it’s just her, but ‘just friends’ don’t sneak away from their other friends into empty classrooms just so they can kiss, right? Jungyeon doesn’t know. But it’s nice and Mina’s nice and Mina is so nice and Mina Mina Mina Mina. Right. There’s no way someone you kiss and think about so much is ‘just a friend’. At least, Jungyeon thinks so, anyway. She wonders what Mina thinks about this.

    At the end of lunch, she’s approached by a tall guy who looks down his perfect nose at her, smiling a perfect smile and running his fingers through his perfect hair.
“Yoo Jungyeon, right?” he asks.
Jungyeon only nods.
“Your friend, Mina—is she—she’s not dating anyone right?”
Feeling go dry, Jungyeon hesitates. How is she supposed to answer that? What she wants to say is ‘yeah, she’s dating me’, but she can’t, because she’d be lying. So with clenched fists she shakes her head.
“No.”
The perfect boy’s perfect smile becomes even more perfect and Jungyeon feels her nails dig into her palm as he says his thanks and disappears into the blurry crowd of students. Soon the crowd merges into a grey blob that obscures her vision completely. When her fingers reach up to rub her eyes they come away wet and—is she crying? God, this is stupid. 

    After school she sees the perfect boy talking to Mina. When Mina laughs at something he says, Jungyeon turns away quickly, hands unknowingly balled into tight fists. God, this is so stupid. 

    In the morning Sana shoves her into a locker.
She hisses in pain, “what the hell?”
Sana glares at her. This time it’s different from the usual playful glares.
“You.”
“What?” Jungyeon asks in irritation. It’s not even 8:00 am and yet she’s already regretting getting out of bed this morning.
Sana squints, “what do you think you’re doing?”
Still confused, Jungyeon throws her hands up in frustration, “I’m just trying to get an education here! I haven’t done anything!”
“You made Mina sad! Again! She waited for you for an hour after school!” Sana half-yells, each sentence punctuated by a jab to Jungyeon’s chest.
Something about the way Sana yells at her makes Jungyeon want to yell back, “so? She was talking to some pretty boy! And I don’t have to be responsible for her! It’s not like we’re going out or anything!”
Silence. Sana lowers her hands and stares at Jungyeon, hard.
“Is that what this is about?” she probes, fuming slightly, her voice lowering dangerously, “your jealousy? Stop being so—so childish, Jungyeon.”
“J-jealous?” Jungyeon sputters, “I am not!”
A doubtful look crosses Sana’s face.
Jungyeon deflates, “I shouldn’t be jealous anyway.”
Sana scoffs, “stop your pity party. Do you honestly think that Mina has eyes for anyone other than your dumb ? And do you also think that we haven’t noticed the two of you sneaking off to make out? We might have Momo, but we’re not that stupid.”
Jungyeon sputters. None of the sounds that she makes are real words.
“Just ask her out, you loser!” with that, Sana turns on her heels and walks off.
Jungyeon is left with her back pressed against the lockers, dazed. God, she’s so stupid.

    After math, Mina pulls her into an empty classroom. Jungyeon follows, mind blank. Her mind goes even blanker (if that’s even possible) when Mina wraps her arms around her waist and mumbles a soft apology into her shoulder. She manages to lift a hand to hold the back of Mina’s head and grips onto the back of Mina’s shirt with the other.
“Wha—why are you apologising?” she manages.
Mina looks up with sad eyes, “because I feel like I made you mad yesterday.”
Jungyeon looks at the girl in her arms, “I wasn’t—I can’t ever be mad at you, Mina,” she sighs.
“Then why…?”
Turning her head away, Jungyeon coughs awkwardly, “I—uh—I—Mina—do you wanna go out with me?”
Mina’s just a little confused, “aren’t we already going out?”
“Eh?” is Jungyeon mishearing things? She definitely is.
No she’s not, Mina is genuinely confused, “haven’t we been going out for like, a month?”
“Eh?”
Mina pouts, “why do you keep going, “eh”?”
“I—I mean like—go out—on d-dates,” Jungyeon clears .
“But we have?”
“Eh?”
“15 study dates, and that one time you came over and I—we kissed. And also that time when we went out for ice cream,” Mina says matter-of-factly.
So—Mina thought they were dating this whole time?
Or was Jungyeon the one who thought that they weren’t dating?
God, she’s so stupid.

    “You were jealous?” Mina asks, a hint of amusement in her voice, “of him?”
“No!” Jungyeon denies.
Mina raises an eyebrow.
“Okay, maybe a little,” she admits sheepishly.
“Cute,” Mina giggles.
“Why wouldn’t I have been jealous? He’s tall and good-looking and he has, objectively speaking, the perfect smile!” argues Jungyeon.
Mina hums in response, “well, I like someone who’s about Yoo Jungyeon’s height and is Yoo Jungyeon-looking and has Yoo Jungyeon’s smile.”
“Th-that’s so gross. Who taught you to be like this,” Jungyeon mutters, blushing hard.

    “I demand answers!” Nayeon shrieks when the two of them turn up at lunch with held hands and cheesy whispers.
Red at being caught, Mina and Jungyeon stop in their tracks, looking at their friends, unsure of what to say and who should say it.
The small group erupts into a cacophony of “ABOUT ING TIME!” and “ I TOLD YOU!” (thanks, Nayeon), high pitched squeals from Sana, in contrary to her prior sternest with Jungyeon, and Momo just sputters, pointing an accusing finger to Jungyeon and Mina, looking extremely confused. Jungyeon wants to roll her eyes and smack all of them but she looks at Mina, who is smiling brightly and you know what? This is good too. 

    The best thing about being in love with Myoui Mina is everything. The way she smiles, her sweet voice that whispers even sweeter words, the way her hugs feel like being wrapped in a blanket fresh out of the dryer, her warm hands, warm kisses, warm heart—the list goes on and on.
“What are you thinking about?” Mina asks from beside her, as they study in their usual room after school.
Jungyeon thinks about her reply for a moment, “you,” she grins.
Mina blushes and slaps her shoulder in embarrassment.
Laughing, Jungyeon hooks Mina in by her shoulder and kisses her chastely. Mina whines about how it’s unfair that Jungyeon can do greasy stuff like that so easily, then huffs in resignation when she’s reminded of her fair share of sleaze comments. Jungyeon laughs again, kisses her again, falls in love again.
“I’m in love with you, Myoui Mina.”
Mina pouts, “I’m not talking to you.”
She grins when she hears Mina mutter a reluctant confession. Who needs the sweet embrace of death when you can have the sweet embrace of Myoui Mina?