Single Chapter: Space

Nothing was the same, not once he walked that door to never comeback. The empty space he left was always there, taunting him, remembering him of times that once existed, but were now living in the past. It was his fault, as his leader he should have done more, but he was incompetent. He was a disgrace.

He listened as the melody started again, feeling the air with his strong electronic notes to turn into a soft melody played by a piano, and coming back to a mix of piano and electronic notes, to growing with the addition of drums. The composition was rather simple, he was working with one of best composers under YG, but the lyrics, those… He knew by heart. But still, he felt that something was missing.

And it was. Seungyoon opened his eyes as the melody started again, his eyes falling in the empty space where once was the place Taehyun would be watching him do his work, or would be busy working on his own music. It was that tiny space in their studio where songs like Baby Baby and Sentimental came to life. The now Maknae of WINNER bit his bottom lip as he felt the feeling of constriction in his heavy heart.

He sighed turning his attention back to his computer where the raw version of the lyrics was waiting for him. Alone in the studio was easy to let his mask fall. The mask he had put since Taehyun’s departure of WINNER and YG. He should have been more attentive, he should have asked him, he should have been there for him… But Taehyun never said anything, not to him. Nor any of the other members. So, it was late when they saw the decision was made, the crack between Taehyun and YG was too big to mend. And too deep to try anything more.

Seungyoon frowned as the melody got to its peak again, he could hear Taehyun’s voice reaching the high note in there.

That song spoke too much of him. More than Seungyoon was ready to admit. It was a break up song, he said to himself, more times that he cared to count, maybe then he would believe his lie. Maybe then he would wake up from that nightmare and Taehyun would be still there, in his space, composing.

Get out of my sight

All these harsh and painful words,

spitting them out without thought

Anyone looking at me can tell

I was a fool

Even if I feel bad about it now

nothing will change

I know

YG liked his song, it was beautiful song. And the demo was well recorded, he had to thank AiRPLAY again for his help in arranging the song. The members… The members loved his song, and for the looks they were giving him, they seemed to know, they felt it as well.

He stepped inside the recording booth and looked at the microphone, his newly dyed hair standing out in the dark background. With trembling hands, he started he reached the microphone to adjust to an ideal height for him.

“When you are ready, Yoon.” Came the voice of the sound expert, he nodded and gave an ‘ok’ through the glass.

The melody started in his headphones, he could listen to the voices of s giving life to his composition, the different colors and tones coming through him. Seungyoon closed his eyes and prepared to sing, his part was coming closer. But before he could start, he heard, he heard the melodic voice filling his brain, singing it at perfection, the high notes reaching its perfect marks and the slow tone bringing the right tone to the melody.

His eyes flung open and he stared at the empty space where it should be him looking at him singing. The space he always occupied when doing the recording, the space that was his. And would always would be, because no one dared to occupy.

He failed to notice the worried looks s were shooting him outside the recording booth, or the lips moving as the distance voice of AiRPLAY talked through his headphones. His eyes were glued where Nam Taehyun were supposed to be, while his voice played in his mind, singing his part.

Maybe should have been him who left, because that part was Taehyun’s, not his. Taehyun should be here. He failed. He failed him as a leader. He failed all of them.

That empty space should be his.

“Seungyoon, are you alright?” Came a voice close to him at the same time a hand touched his shoulder.

He turned quickly, almost shoving the person aside, finally noticing that the melody had stopped, and people were looking at him worriedly. Their manager was the one that came to talk to him, his worried look speaking volumes.

“Y-Yes.” He said. “I got lost in thoughts, I am sorry” he said that part to everyone else, bowing in apology. “I will concentrate from now on.” He said, putting his mask back, smiling brightly to everyone.

But it didn’t escape to him the knowing glances were sending him. He ignored them, deciding to concentrate. This time when the melody came, his voice filled the booth, singing the complete lyrics, loosing himself in the feelings.

In the empty space Taehyun left in him.

It took him four times to get to where he wanted.

Even curses are alright

Although you may feel them wasted on me

I just want to hear your voice

In front of the cameras was easy to keep his mask. It was easy to smile that boyish smile people were so used, it was easy to laugh, to fake that space didn’t exist. That they weren’t incomplete.

Being with s made it so simple to forget the sick feeling in his stomach as he made the interviews during the filming of the MVs. Sometimes he even forgot that as he laughed at the silly jokes of Seunghoon and Mino, and the overly attentive Jinwoo. He even enjoyed being in the presence of the model and dancers. But it was always temporary.

Because he would always see that space. That spot, where he should be. Where his maknae should be. It was in their choreographies, it was in their scenes. It was everywhere.

He could imagine Taehyun being the photographer. He always liked to take photos. He still has many of the photos Taehyun took of them in their moments together. His treasures of a time he wished would comeback, moments he was willing to trade everything to have it back.

Seungyoon walked away as soon the cameras stopped recording, a blanket secured around his shoulder as he walked around the filming set. It was much more easy recoding Really Really stuff than FOOL, he knew why, and even that his mask was working perfectly, he felt it grown every day. The empty space inside him.

He missed him. Maybe he was keeping that space so he would comeback. He would comeback, right? The young leader couldn’t prevent that vain hope hold inside him.

“Yoonie” The deep voice of Mino brought him back.

Seungyoon turned around to finally look at one of his hyungs. The dark eyes of the rapper were shinning with worry, but he had a small smile in his lips.

“Hey, Mino hyung.” He tried to sound cheery, but he knew he failed when he saw Mino grimace.

“Stop blaming yourself.” Mino was direct, he was always direct when it was something with the members. It was something Seungyoon loved and at the same time hated about Mino.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” He said, turning around so he couldn’t see the reproving stare of Mino.

“You do know it perfectly what I am talking about Yoonie.” Came the harsh answer of the rapper. “Don’t try to lie to us… To me! We can perfectly see what is going on, Seungyoon.” The deep voice of his hyung was filled with unsaid feelings. “You don’t have to take the blame alone, because if is someone’s fault, is all of us. The fault is ours. Do not shut us out, you perfectly know what happened when someone did.” It had an edge on Mino’s voice that wasn’t there before. “We can’t afford to lose anyone else, Seungyoon…” That phrase made what she was meant to do, made the young leader turn around to face the distraught Mino.

“You won’t lose me.” Seungyoon answered, frowning at the absurd idea.

Mino laughed. A laugh without humor or feelings.

“At the pace things are going, we will, Seungyoon.” He could see the anger pass through the dark eyes of Mino. “You don’t see it now, but is almost like what happened to Taehyun.” Seungyoon flinched as soon the name escaped Mino’s lips.

He turned his back at Mino again, the words repeating inside his head. He could feel a sting in his eyes, but he didn’t let the tears forming in them to fall. It wouldn’t change anything.

Seungyoon heard Mino sigh and start walking away when he kept quiet. He listened the steps grow distant, but they stopped suddenly. And then came the deep voice, in a low tone, but that he could still listen.

“When you decide to come around, we will be there for you, leader-nim.” And then he left.

And Seungyoon continued there, contemplating his words, because he knew, deep down there, that all of that was true.

Stupid, immature

I know now that it was all my fault

Moron, such an idiot

I know now that it was all my fault

Baby I was a fool

I was a fool

It took him a while to talk to s after that talk with Mino. It took him the time for them to come back to Korean, and he film the last episode of Flower Crew to talk to them. Even that it helped him a little, it did not end everything he was feeling. It still hurt.

But he didn’t expect when he saw the promotional images, it would all comeback stronger than before. Most of them you couldn’t see anything wrong. But had that one… One they were in formation. He was in the middle, and at his right Jinwoo was standing with Mino behind him, and at his left it had Seunghoon, and a big white space where Taehyun should be.

Seungyoon couldn’t take his eyes of that empty space, his heart beating so painfully that he could swear he heard it rip apart. He held a hand up to reach for the image, it trembled as he touched the image.

“I am sorry” he mumbled under his breath as a solitary tear escaped his eyes.

He stared at himself in that picture and his blond hair remembering the other member that used the same color as him almost a year before him.

Maybe he was being too obvious.

I said

I was always so self-centered

I only focus on myself

I think I'm crazy, this person I am

I'm the one that pushed you away

Oh I was a fool

Oh baby I was a fool

Even if I regret it now

nothing will change

I know

In that interview, he saw himself confessing. Even that he put it lightly he confessed that he thought of him while writing the song. But he made it seem like he just used the feeling. A lie.

The song was entirely about him. Taehyun. The way he felt when things ended as they did. It was how he felt. Breaking-up with him, even that they were just friends, just band members. A feeling that he hasn’t even acknowledged, buried deep inside him. A feeling he never voiced out. As he walked to finally start their V Live streaming, he felt someone grab his wrist and drag him to another place.

He came face to face to Seunghoon, the older guy looking him directly at his eyes, searching in them for something.

“Something wrong Hoonie hyung?”

“No, just checking.” The older one shook his head. Seungyoon could see a disappointed flash in Seunghoon’s eyes, but that quickly disappeared. “I just thought that you would finally…” He didn’t finish his words, still holding Seungyoon’s wrist.

“Finally… What?” Was now his time to look worried at his hyung. “Are you okay, hyung?” His voice changing a bit, showing his worries. Seunghoon shook his head again.

“Sometimes you worry me too much, Seungyoon. Because you are a hell of an actor…” Seunghoon’s eyes were again searching for something in his eyes. “You are an open book most of the times, we can see you. But nowadays… I see more of Seungyoon the actor, and less Seungyoon.” He finally freed Seungyoon’s wrist.

He looked to the ground, he knew. He was aware his mask was turning his second skin.

“Maybe would be better if you stopped lying to yourself Seungyoon.”

He continued to stare at the ground, he couldn’t think of anything to say, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Because it would be a lie.

“You should reach for him, Yoonie.” It made Seungyoon finally stare him back again.

“I already did.” It wasn’t a lie.

“Tell him everything.” And before Seungyoon could say anything else. “And you know exactly what I am talking about Seungyoon, is about time you take your head out of your and tell him.”

He didn’t know how to answer that, because he knew it was the truth. Sometimes he hated how Seunghoon was so perceptive. He could act as a silly person, but the was the most perceptive of all of them.

“Just for you to know… He doesn’t blame you.”

Those words struck him. Even that it brought him some relief, it didn’t end all the grief inside him. Those words didn’t fill that empty space inside him, it didn’t mend it.

It was his broke-up. The pain still striking his still bleeding heart.

Even if it's brief, that's ok

Even if it's for the last time

If I could just see you again

Taehyun had his eyes glued to the computer screen as he watched that MV for the nth time, his ears catching the sorrowful tone of his voice. He felt his hand curl in a fist, his nails digging on his flesh. Since he read that interview he couldn’t stop listening to that song, to analyzing every piece of it.

To remember about him.

During the time that he left YG and WINNER behind he could still remember Seungyoon’s face, a smile and eyes full of pain, but acceptance. He remembered how hard he tried to keep the things, how hard he tried to keep Taehyun. And how in the end he couldn’t do anything to prevent the things to happen… He remembered how him, Taehyun, didn’t want the things to end like they did, but now he felt so much better with himself when finally, he saw himself free.

He didn’t lose the contact with his ex-members, he still messaged them sometimes, and they would contact him. All except by him. He would listen about him through the others, Jinwoo mostly. He could notice how all of them were so worried about him, but every time he would check him, Seungyoon always looked so fine. Almost too perfectly fine. And he knew he was hiding behind a mask he created to himself.

Taehyun took off his headphone, massaging his temples, as the words of the song were already engraved on him. He could listen to every word inside his head. All of them in his voice. In Seungyoon’s voice.

At every syllable intoned he felt a pang in his chest. It was painful to see that he still blamed himself, that he was putting all the fault of what happened on him. Seungyoon was as powerless as he was. But he still took all the responsibility.

He wanted to scream, he wanted to punch someone. He wanted to hurt himself. It wasn’t his fault. It was nobody’s fault. Taehyun had reached that conclusion long ago, maybe the things were meant to be that way. He had great memories with all of them, but they were meant to be just that short time. Because he felt he finally found his way, found his place.

He still missed them like crazy, because they were friends, they were brothers and they knew each other more than anyone else. Taehyun couldn’t forget all the bad and good moments he spent with them.

But it hurt to think of Seungyoon. It always hurt so much more to think of him than it did with thinking of the others.

His face at their departure still hunt him… His sad eyes filled with acceptance and that robotic smile in his plump lips.

“Why?” His voice broke as the words escaped his lips.

That smile flashing through his mind. And that empty space inside him pulsing in pain, a space he always ignored its existence.  He turned to look again to his computer screen, seeing a close-up to his face, his blond hair falling carelessly on his face, and that emotional expression. He couldn’t stop the thought of how beautiful Seungyoon was there, so pure, but full of pain.

Stupid, immature

I know now that it was all my fault

Moron, such an idiot

I know now that it was all my fault

Baby I was a fool

I was a fool

“I heard they will be having their comeback stage today, leader-nim.” One of his band members told him as they finished their rehearsal.

“Who?” Taehyun said occupying himself with something.

“WINNER” came the voice of another member of his band. He felt his heart giving a leap in his chest.

“Really?” He asked, trying to fake he wasn’t affected by it.

“Maybe you should watch it, leader-nim.” Said the only girl in the band, her eyes trained on him. “I am really curious to see how this will turn out.”

He looked at her, seeing a meaningful look in her eyes. Anger and resignation bubbled under his skin, she didn’t know much what happened to him. To them. Why she felt she had the right to say anything? But at the same time, he felt resignation because he knew she was right. He wanted to see that. She just gave him an excuse.

“Maybe you are right…” He didn’t say anything more.

It was easy to sit in the couch in front of the television after they finished tiding up after their practice. It was easy to watch their first stage. But when that song came, and even it was a shorten version of the song, he felt himself holding his breath.

The live performance was something he didn’t expect. Was as if he was by his side, singing in his ear, every word engraving themselves in his heart. He looked around the room waiting to see him there, but finding his empty space at his side. It felt so real, his presence was so strong to him.

He saw himself days later watching their comeback stage again, but now the two songs sang in their complete form. The second time around was even more magical. He could fell all. Through the words, through the dance, through his eyes. He could see it there.

Taehyun reached his hand at his side, but found an empty space. He wasn’t there.

He rose from the couch and walked, leaving the studio, leaving behind worried bandmates. He walked aimlessly, his steps leading him to an unknown destination, just his voice as his guide. It was painful, that empty space where Seungyoon should be.

A space he didn’t acknowledge because it would never be fulfilled. Now he understood, he knew why their song was a break-up song.

They had broken-up. Not as a group. But Seungyoon and him. They broke-up a relationship they didn’t know it existed. They let go of each other. It was so easy to see it, they never contacted each other, although for what it seemed they knew all about how the other was doing.

All they had, all they possibly could have been, were just memories scattered in the wind, leaving only fractions of what they were. Because Taehyun was incomplete without Seungyoon.

And Seungyoon was incomplete without Taehyun.

All was there in plain sight for him, but he chose to be blind, he chose to create that empty space in himself. And that song, that song was Seungyoon’s way of saying goodbye to him.

Or that was what he thought.

You, who shined so brightly, are now far away

I grasp for the scattered memories

I miss you every day

Yes I know I'm late late

Just come back like nothing was wrong baby

You, who shined so brightly, are now far away

I grasp for the scattered memories

I miss you every day

Yes I know I'm late late

Just come back like nothing was wrong baby oh

This time he screamed throwing his stuff on the ground as he felt tears slid from his eyes. His vision was blurred as the tears were growing in volume. He couldn’t help himself in watching their stages on his computer over and over, it was maddening him.

He wanted to scream at him the words he so wanted him to scream at himself.

“You stupid, idiot, moron, retarded!” Taehyun screamed at his empty studio, locking his eyes in the space he could picture Seungyoon seated with his guitar singing to him his dammed song.

Why have him woke up on him feelings that shouldn’t be awaken? Why now of all the times? They had years to feelings like this to me awaken. But why now? Now that they “broke-up”. It didn’t made sense.

He threw the first thing he put his hand on the ground, another scream leaving his throat, tears freely running down his cheeks and dripping on the floor.

“Why you are doing this with me you stupid leader? Why now of all times?” he sobbed, grabbing his auburn hair in his hands.

He let himself fall on his knees as he sobbed:

“It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your fault… I was the one that let you go.”

It would take him hours to stop his tears. And another your so he could get up and clean the mess he did. The empty space inside him pulsing with pain.

Stupid, immature

I know now that it was all my fault

Taehyun looked blankly at the wall in front of him as he listened to Jinwoo speaking through his phone.

“… I don’t know what to do anymore, Taehyun-ah.” His mate hyung sighed in the other side of the line. “He is acting all cheerful, but we can see the emptiness in his eyes.”

Taehyun hummed, feeling his heart clench painfully as the images of Seungyoon came around his mind. He, as well, was trying to control his own emptiness.

“You should talk to him, Taehyun-ah. Please.” The elder asked, desperation in his voice.

He gulped, feeling the lump in his throat.

“He should be the one contacting me, I am available.” He said, sounding not as irritated as he wanted to be.

Jinwoo sighed again.

“You should try to reach him first, he won’t do that because he feels so guilty, Taehyun-ah.” He was exasperated.

“I thought you said I didn’t blame him.”

“We did, but he won’t listen to us.” Taehyun was now sure Jinwoo didn’t know the other part to Seungyoon’s lyrics came from.

“I don’t know hyung…”

“One of you have to break this silence Taehyun! Is getting at an extreme already, I can’t see him broken anymore, I can’t see you broken anymore, maknae-yah. I’ve seen your pictures, you can’t hid that from me.” It was the first time Taehyun felt Jinwoo was so angry. “You know… What broke him the most was the fact you never told him, you never let him grasp what was going on with you, you didn’t let him try to help you.”

“I couldn’t be helped!” He almost screamed to his hyung.

“One can be helped if one wish so.” Jinwoo said matter-of-factly. “You didn’t want our help, you wanted to spare us of things. And where it got us Taehyun? Because Seungyoon is almost doing the same as you.”

At this Taehyun didn’t had an answer, he could fell the painful truth sinking on his brain.

“And you know what is even more sad?” Jinwoo continued. “You both are finally realizing something that were always there, when is too late.” He gasped when he realized what Jinwoo said. So, he knew too? “Think of what I said, maknae-yah, because maybe you two can revert things.”

At that Jinwoo hang up on him without any more words. Taehyun stayed in the same position for a long while, still staring at the wall in front of him. Until he rose suddenly of his char, startling his bandmates, and walked out without saying a word, making his bandmates worried again.

This time he run, he run to where his heart was leading him.

Stupid, immature

I know now that it was all my fault

Moron, such an idiot

I know now that it was all my fault

Baby I was a fool

I was a fool

Seungyoon was running. He couldn’t stay at the dorm anymore, he couldn’t bare the worried gazes s were throwing at him. But most of all, he wanted to run to him, even that he didn’t know where he was.

He didn’t care for the stares he attracted, or the whispers. Everything he could listen was his breath as he run in Seoul’s streets. It was insane move, almost ridiculous. But it felt right. He turned in a desert street, running almost as if it was for his life. He didn’t notice the other figure running in his direction, not until they collided in the middle.

The impact shoved him backwards, and he heard more than saw the other figure fall in his back. It hurt like hell the impact, he was sure he would have a bruises the next day, but right now he didn’t care. All he cared was to stand up and continue to run.

But a familiar voice cut through his rushed thoughts. A voice he longed for.

“What the do you think you are doing?” Taehyun said, feeling pain and anger at the same time. But he couldn’t dwell much on that as he felt the body that collided with him throw himself on him, his body trembling with his sobs. He couldn’t avoid the wince of pain.

Taehyun was ready to shove the stranger away, however he knew that perfume. He knew at who that specific perfume was from. He longed to smell that perfume for months. So, he saw himself passing his arms around him, his own sobs escaping his lips.

“I missed you, idiot.” The words left Taehyun’s lips with ease.

“I am sorry.” Was Seungyoon’s answer.

Taehyun pushed him so he could see the Seungyoon’s face.

“Is not your fault, I never blamed you.” He brushed his tears away, so he could look in that beautiful face he missed.

Seungyoon shook his head.

“I should’ve done more, I failed you.”

“No! I’ve failed you.” Taehyun retorted.

Seungyoon shook his head again. No, it wasn’t like that.

“No…” He frowned.

“It was no one’s fault.” Taehyun finally said, looking straight at the soft brown eyes of his former leader. The man that brought him so much emotions.

“I feel like is mine.” Seungyoon said, his eyes diverting of his. “I should have protected you. I wanted to be there for you.”

Taehyun could see the pain on those beautiful eyes, and he understood Jinwoo.

“I didn’t let you…” A humorless laugh escaped his lips. “I didn’t want to hurt you, or any of you, with what was going on with me. But in the end, I hurt you… I was a fool.”

Seungyoon looked at Taehyun as he spoke, he saw the regret in those eyes he always saw in his mind.

“I should have called you, or texted you… But I was feeling so guilty.” He reached a hand to Taehyun’s face, caressing it. “But I didn’t, like a coward. I was fool.”

The younger smirked and shook his head amused.

“We are two fools, and even more because we are using your stupid lyrics.”

Seungyoon’s face fell.

“They are stupid?”

This time Taehyun really laughed.

“No, they aren’t, pabo-yah” he said, finally getting up to his feet and dragging Seungyoon with him. He smiled as the smiled finally returned to the older one lips.

They started walking this time, hand in hand. Once again not worried to where they were going, they were busy filling that space that was empty inside them. Filling it with each other. Finally, complete.

A/N: I lost the count of times I cried while writing this. Although in some aspects it didn’t got all the way I wanted, I am satisfied with the result. Is my comeback work in this fandom, so I am curious of what you guys think of this.

This couple always bring my most dark angst side outside, and it always amazes me. I am grateful if you reach it here.

So, please, leave a comment if you like. And if you really liked, an upvote.

Lots of love~

Nath :*