It was like the world was moving but she was locked in place. Days filled with life and adventure didn't wither away, but rather continued on without her. She watched in silence as her career pushed forward to new places and new lands as she silently stewed in her four walls. Walls that once were her solace from how big the world was, but now were a prison holding her back from what she took for granted. She felt a dry burning under her eyes. There were no more tears left.

Her phone rang on the pillow next to her. She quirked an eyebrow in acknowledgement of the caller then declined the call.

It rang again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

It kept ringing, kept trying to break through, kept trying to wake her up. Different callers sometimes, but mostly the same. She should understand. They've been through the worst together and took that for granted too. The togetherness was what she missed most, needed most. The togetherness was what her life was truly about.

The phone rang again. She picked it up and tossed it in whatever direction her arm felt like throwing. She heard it clatter loudly against the tiles of the bathroom. She grimaced, knowing that eventually she'll have to see it again.

She looked outside through the window next to her bed. The sky was white, obstructed by cloud cover. It was bright, it was sterile, it was annoying. Her hands clenched, her knuckles turning as white as the sky. Her knees shook with tremors of something she couldn't identify, she couldn't feel. She felt enough. She thought not about how many days it has been, but how many days are left. Nobody seems to know.

She walked into the bathroom, paying no mind to the phone on the ground in a few pieces. She stepped, her feet coming into contact with cold porcelain and warm, pointy plastic. She observed the sink for a moment, careful not to look too hard into the mirror. She glanced at the toilet. She looked at the bathtub. She was still staring at it when she heard the door in the hallway open sometime later.

She sighed and stayed still, waiting. The sound of shoes hitting the floor, hurried steps loudly shuffling down the hallway, a door being thrown open, a husky call.

"Solji."

She didn't bother responding. It wasn't the kind of day for words.

"Solji."

She didn't move, but heard feet padding across the floor, transitioning to porcelain, kicking plastic out of the way. A hand on her shoulder that she didn't mind.

"Say something."

She didn't. An angered huff.

"You could have just turned your phone off."

She could've, but that wouldn't have made her feel anything. She wouldn't tell her that though.

"Solji, please talk to me."

She wouldn't. It would be the same as it always went. She's had enough of the same. A scoff.

"Fine. I'll talk. I'm sure now that the manager contacted you, but we're going to Canada next month. It'll only be a few days, we won't be away for too long." A pause. Solji assumed it was a place for her to add her thoughts in, as she would have in the past. Only a handful of months but it felt like years. She held on to her silence. "I wasn't going to tell you this in case it didn't happen, but...I'm trying to convince them to let us bring you."

Her eyes widened. The hand on her shoulder moved down, making its way to her hand and gripping it loosely. "I don't want us to go without you."

She sighed. "Will I sing?"

The hand in hers tensed. Solji smiled wryly. "I don't know that yet."

"No," she replied, a sigh in her tone. "You don't. That's okay."

The hand tried to spin her around, but she tightened her stance. She could feel tears again, but she didn't want to let her see them again. She's seen enough.

"Solji, look at me."

"No."

"Solji, please, look at me."

"No."

"Solji!" She pulled harder, but she stayed as still as she could. She knew she wouldn't pull hard enough to hurt her. She knew that she only wanted to help. She knew she was being unfair. The hand let go of her.

"!" The word echoed around the bathroom. "You aren't making this easy, you know!"

A tear slipped down her cheek. She always had a soft spot for the stubborn girl behind her. More than that if she was being honest with herself. "I'm sorry, Hyojin."

Silence. She heard the door opening in the hallway again. A sigh.

"I'll come get you for dinner," LE concluded before leaving much louder than she entered. She slammed the door behind her. Solji looked around the room briefly before settling on the bathtub again. She stared.

--

The four ate in relative silence. Chopsticks clattered against bowls, mouths chewed, and chairs scraped occasionally. All until the youngest cleared .

"Did you tell Solji about your plan, LE?"

"Yeah," LE answered, sounding bored. She put some rice in but didn't chew.

"Was she excited?" Hyelin asked eagerly, happy to finally have some conversation inserted into such a drab meal.

LE shrugged. Across the table Hani frowned and shared a thoughtful look with Jeonghwa. Hyelin crinkled her forehead and tried again.

"Canada is going to be pretty cool, though, right?" Hyelin asked rhetorically. "I wonder if we'll see a moose?"

"I bet you will," Solji answered, rounding the corner into the kitchen silently. Everyone at the table dropped what they were holding. LE swallowed.

"You didn't answer me when I called for you."

Solji shrugged. "I'm sorry. I wasn't ready to come out." She sat down at her empty place gracefully and began filling her set bowl with rice. The other four eyed her wearily. She looked great. Makeup applied perfectly, not a hair out of place, a dress they had only seen her wear once or twice. Solji looked up with a humorous smile. "What is it? Does my dress have a stain?" She looked down and inspected her outfit.

LE frowned and opened , Hyelin cut in before she could speak. "Solji, you'll see the moose too, you're going to come with us!"

Solji giggled. "Maybe. We'll see."

LE opened again but Hani kicked her under the table. She grunted and began shoving food in .

"How was your day, Unnie?" Jeonghwa asked. LE shot her an incredulous glare. Jeonghwa shrugged innocently.

"Oh, it was boring, who cares," Solji answered brisk and carefree. "More importantly, how are the comeback preparations going?"

There was a pause. The other four looked at each other and Solji looked at them. Hyelin cleared .

"It's going great. I think we have a big hit with this one. Hani really shines on this album."

"I'm glad," Solji answered honestly. "And I'm so proud of all of you. I wish you all the luck I can with the release next week. You've been working so hard."

The girls blanked, unsure of how to feel. LE kept eating. "It doesn't feel right," Hani added. "Not without you."

Solji laughed. "Don't worry about me. I'm expendable."

LE slammed her palms on the table, causing her drink to fall and spill all over. Jeonghwa ran to the counter for paper towels. LE towered over Solji, who looked up at her nonchalantly.

"Don't you dare say that!" LE screamed. Hyelin cowered back. Hani frowned thoughtfully. Jeonghwa waited nearby, afraid to approach with the towels. "You know how much to mean to us. To the fans. Don't you ever try and pretend like you aren't worth anything. Just because our ing management won't let us wait until you've recovered doesn't mean we don't need you. We all need you." LE stepped closer and leaned in to Solji's face. "I don't know where this ing facade came from, but cut the bull. You don't need to pretend to be okay, Solji. We're all here for you and we'll all help you as much as we can."

Solji was unfazed, unmoved. "You're all going to be too busy with the comeback, don't worry about me."

LE grabbed Solji's collar. Hyelin gasped. Hani stood up. Jeonghwa used the paper towels to begin drying her tears.

"You say all this like it's my ing fault. You know how hard I fought for you, you know how hard I keep fighting for you." Her grip tightened. "You know how badly we all want you to be with us. If it were up to me you would be at practice every day."

The corner of Solji's mouth twitched but she held strong. "They told me I'm not allowed to sing."

"You have a doctor's appointment on Monday, he might give you the okay to begin practicing again," LE reasoned. Solji looked down. LE grabbed her by the hair and pulled her back up to stare into her eyes. Solji was surprised to see glistening cheeks. "Don't you ever put yourself down like that again, Solji. You know how much you mean to us, you know how much you mean to the fans, and I'm pretty sure you know how much you mean to me."

LE and Solji looked to each other, unmoving, waiting. The other girls watched silently. This wasn't the first time this had happened. Solji coughed and brought her hand up to place it on the one LE had grabbing her hair.

"Hyojin, you're hurting me."

LE let go and Solji fell back into her chair. She watched forlornly as LE stormed off, stopping only once to punch the wall before entering her room and slamming the door. The lock being turned was heard over the loud cursing. Solji looked off in the direction of LE's room for a few moments before turning back to the table and resuming her dinner. She never remembered plain white rice being this salty.

"Jeonghwa, Hyelin, could you please leave the kitchen for a while?" Hani asked politely. The girls nodded and hurriedly put their dished on the counter before exiting to the living room, where they the TV. The volume was loud enough to drown out any noise. Hani smiled warmly. She pulled up LE's discarded chair and sat as close as she could to her leader.

"Solji, talk to me. LE can be thick sometimes, but you know she's trying her best."

Solji relaxed in her chair not much, but enough to be noticed. "She's been very supportive of me, there's nothing to talk about."

Hani shook her head lightly. She reached over and took Solji's hand in her own, the top of it lightly. "You don't have to be strong, Solji. I don't know how much, but I know it must hurt. If I had to miss a comeback I don't even know what I would do. I don't know if I would be here."

Solji winced and sputtered a little. She gripped Hani's hand. "Don't say that, Heeyeon."

"Then don't tell me that everything is fine. Let it out."

Everything Solji had tried so hard to bottle up rushed to the surface and she did her best to keep it down. Her eyes began to water as much as they could in their dehydrated state, her body shook, her breathing became erratic, she coughed up some fluid that hopelessly dripped onto her dress. Hani took a napkin off the table and wiped her off the best she could. She put an arm around Solji and pulled her close, patting her back as she slowly broke down once again.

"I...I..." Solji tried, interrupting herself with choked breaths. Hani hugged her tighter.

"Wait, don't force it," she cooed. "I'm not going anywhere. Just relax."

Solji wasn't sure how long she sat there in Hani's arms, shivering, sobbing, coughing. A mess. She wasn't proud of herself but she wasn't sure how much she cared. She looked over to LE's door often to make sure it stayed shut. She cleared .

"I'm worried there won't be a place in Exid for me when I get better," Solji admitted, her voice weaker than she expected. She could feel pain in and prayed it wasn't the opening of scabs from the operation. She cried a little harder.

Hani laughed a little bit. "There will always be a place in Exid for you, Solji. You're our leader, our singer, we need you."

"What if you're more popular without me? What if they don't want me to rejoin?" Solji worried.

"We don't care what they want," Hani assured. "Exid is five. We made a promise."

Solji felt her shuddering coming to an end. She took a deep breath. "What if my voice isn't the same?"

Hani paused. Solji felt worry coming back. "What do you mean?"

"Julie Andrews lost her voice to an operation on ," Solji explained. "She never sang again."

After a little bit or time, Hani tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "If your voice isn't the same, Hyojin will find a way to make it work. She would move the world for you."

Solji sighed. "She's too good to me, Heeyeon."

Hani smiled. "Why don't you show her how important that is to you? She would appreciate nothing more than that."

Solji sank into Hani's embrace, hiding her head in her shoulder. "Every time she comes to talk to me, to help me...I can see it in her eyes, Heeyeon, I'm hurting her. Seeing me like this hurts her. I want to be in a better place for her. I don't want her to suffer any more."

"I think she suffers more when you keep your distance," Hani countered. "And you aren't going to get better by keeping it all in. Hasn't this talk felt good?"

Solji nodded into Hani's sleeve. "Yeah."

"Think about it," Hani finished. "Think about letting Hyojin in again. You're a different person now than you were when they told you to skip this comeback. I don't think you need to be alone anymore."

Solji let go of Hani and reluctantly pulled herself back into a sitting position. She stole another glance at LE's locked door. "I'll try."

--

She didn't try very hard.

Every morning she woke up and stared at LE's closed door. She would stare, and think, and wonder, until she could see it begin to open and then she would retreat back into her own room. She couldn't think of the right words to say, couldn't think of the right thing to do. Her thoughts were a mess and she couldn't get over the stress of her situation still, let alone try and reconcile in some form with LE.

LE had been there with her for so long. In those hard days, when it looked like everything was over, LE and Solji cried themselves to sleep in each other's arms every night. As their success rolled in, they kept each other in check, making sure they didn't change into worse people. They would challenge each other musically. As Solji would hit another high note, LE would raise the intensity of her rap and write parts demanding more vocal prowess from the group's leader.

As she thought back on everything, she felt inadequate. LE was always there for her, but how many times had Solji been there for LE? It was always LE or Hani keeping the group together and working, Solji leading by example. She never was direct in their way. When she had her surgery, and LE's true feelings became more apparent, Solji never reciprocated like she should. She sulked and cried and forced LE to once again bear the brunt of her pain. She couldn't come up with a reason to do that to her once again.

So she watched LE's door, and waited. Waited because LE had stopped trying to talk to her every day. Solji would never fault LE for that, it was what she had wanted after all, but she never realized how important those talks had been to her. Her daily staring at the bathtub seemed to be longer every day. She sunk lower, slowly, until the comeback was right around the corner and Solji could feel panic setting in.

The were all at the table eating dinner. Hyelin and Jeonghwa were talking excitedly about some variety show they were appearing on next week. Hani was alternating between her food and her phone. Solji and LE sat next to each other, as usual, and were silent, as usual for the last little bit. Solji could feel everything coming up again. The doctor had cleared her to practice and she was getting back up to speed. At this rate she would be back to normal in a month or two at most. Still, she felt pressured and incomplete. She couldn't sing with the passion she used to. Every morning when she looked at LE's door she knew exactly what she needed to do but couldn't bring herself to do it. She had stopped eating for a while when LE finally noticed Solji staring at her. She raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

Solji took a breath. She didn't know what to say. Next week, the girls would have their comeback and she wouldn't have nearly as much time. LE would leave early in the morning and get home late at night. Solji felt like it was now or never. She looked to the girls. Hani had started watching with loose attention, Hyelin and Jeonghwa were still chatting away. Solji took a deep breath and for the first time in what felt like months confidently bore her gaze into LE's dark eyes.

"Hyojin, I love you."

LE's eyes shot open. Hani dropped her phone on the table with a loud bang. Hyelin and Jeonghwa stopped talking immediately. Everyone's attention was on Solji.

"What?" LE asked again, her voice much smaller.

Solji swallowed and sat up straighter. "I love you, Ahn Hyojin."

LE didn't move. opened and closed uselessly. She coughed and blinked a few times. "Am I asleep?"

"You've always been there for me, Hyojin. We've hit the bottom together and tasted the top. When I had my surgery you were always there trying to cheer me up in your own way. You've been trying your hardest to fight for me when I've done nothing to deserve it. We became adults together, and there is nobody else I would rather have by my side. I love you." Solji had no idea where the words were coming from, but she would keep speaking as long as they kept coming. "I haven't been fair to you over the last few months, but I need you to know how important you are to me. You pulled me back from the ledge so many times, Hyojin. You've been everything to me. Nothing hurts me more than seeing you in pain, so I wanted to keep my distance to keep you from getting hurt. I was wrong. I need you now more than I've ever needed you. Please stay with me?"

Hani's jaw was on the table. The younger girls watched with wide eyes and held breath. Tears freely flowed down LE's face. "This is the greatest dream I've ever had."

"It isn't a dream," Solji assured. She leaned closer to LE.

"No!" LE shouted, moving her chair back. "Nothing would be worse than waking up from this, this...this is everything I ever wanted. Please don't touch me and end it."

"You're not dreaming, Unnie," Jeonghwa confirmed.

"Yeah, this is real life, see?" Hyelin added, picking up a knife. Jeonghwa slapped it out of her hands before she did something stupid.

"Oh my God," LE sputtered. "OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod. Please be real."

"This is real, Hyojin," Solji repeated. She raised her hand and LE closed her eyes.

"It's real," Hani chimed in, tears in her eyes. "It's real."

"I love you," Solji said as she caressed the side of LE's face. LE opened her eyes to see Solji smiling weakly at her, waiting. LE jumped forward and threw her arms around Solji's neck.

"I love you too!" She shouted, sobbing. She burrowed herself into Solji's chest. "I love you so much!"

Hani quickly sat up and motioned for the younger girls to do the same. She shuffled them out of the room, all three girls sparing one last thoughtful glance and contented smile at their oldest members. Hyelin tried to peek her head back into the kitchen but was held back by a stern Hani.

After a while of quietly hugging each other, LE pulled back, wiped her eyes and cleared . She stood up straight and pulled her shoulders back, trying to look cool. Solji smiled.

"Well, took you long enough to say it."

"Why didn't you say it to me?" Solji asked. LE just gave her a dead stare. Solji frowned. "Sorry."

LE smiled, breaking her stance. "Don't be. I'm so happy right now. God, this is what I was missing, Solji. I feel like I could do anything. I need to write songs!"

She started to walk off before Solji grabbed her wrist. "Could that wait a little bit?"

LE smiled sheepishly. She took Solji's hand in her own and caressed it, seemingly taken just by the way her knuckles led into her fingers. "I guess it can."

Solji sighed. "That was exhuasting."

"Are you okay?" LE immediately asked, holding her hand tighter.

Solji smiled brightly. "I feel a lot better now. The time to be alone was over. I needed friends. I needed you."

"So, I'm a friend?" LE asked slyly.

Solji smacked her on the shoulder. "You know what you are to me."

"I need to hear it."

Solji leaned over and kissed LE on the cheek. It tasted of salt and wasted time. Solji began to sing the best show could. "Clearly show me your heart, why don't you know, don't you know, don't you kno, ugh-" Solji choked on her note, coughing wildly at the dryness in .

LE gasped and grabbed on the Solji, holding her tight. "Don't force it, baby, take your time." She her back carefully. "Don't hurt yourself for me."

Solji nodded. "It's okay." She pulled away and looked into LE's worried eyes. "I'll get better. I'll come back." She pouted. "You'll be there helping me, right?"

Tears fell down LE's cheek once again. She smiled brighter than she had in months, not since Solji's operation. "That's the Solji I love."

"Yeah," Solji agreed. "She's back."

Solji tentatively leaned in, waiting. LE leaned forward as well. They stared into each other's eyes, waiting for the other to move until they both laughed and pulled away. LE smiled warmly and grabbed Solji by the waist, bringing their bodies together, then their lips.

"Awwwwwwww," the three girls watching from around the corner of the kitchen cooed. LE tried to break free and scold them, but Solji held her in place, not letting the best thing to happen to her in months end so easily.