I knew as soon as the beeping sound of the heart monitor reached my ears that I had failed my suicide attempt, I did not want to open my eyes. How could I? How could I face my family with them knowing what I had tried to do? When I still wanted to do it, the guilt is there in the pit of my stomach but also the urge to try again. Knowing that Taekwoon has left me, that I was just a pawn in his game, it hurt me deeply. I truly loved him, given him everything a person could give and he had thrown that in my face and left me in the dust.

A small part of me was hoping he would come back to me and then the realisation kicks in that he never actually loved me like I loved him and it only makes me feel more worse, the urge only intensifying. How could I not have noticed how much of a conniving snake he was? He charmed me with sweet words that I always dreamed of hearing from someone who loved me, he was my first ual partner and that thought alone makes me realise just how stupid I had been. How naïve I was around him, I did everything blindly when all the signs were there, I was just so caught up with being in love that it completely escaped my notice.

My body tenses when I hear a door open and close softly, someone comes to my side, the footsteps stopped as they reached the bed. A hand gently me face, a sense of familiarity comes to me and I slowly open my eyes to see who it is.

My little brother is staring back at me, the rings under his eyes prominent as if he hadn’t slept in days, his lips slightly curve to form a smile that is just for me. It is my favourite thing about Jimin and yet right now I feel like I don’t deserve it, his thumb caresses my cheek gently. I sit up with Jimin’s help, he puts extra pillows behind my back to keep me propped up. I close my eyes for a second to will away the sudden bout of nausea I’m feeling and open my eyes again.

“How long have I been out?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

“3 days, the doctors were going to take you up for tests if you hadn’t woken up now.” Jimin says moving away from me and grabbing a chair to sit in.

“Are mum and dad here?”

“I convinced them not to come, I knew you wouldn’t be up for the lecturing when you woke up but believe me when I say that mum has a whole speech planned out just for you.” Jimin slightly chuckles as if the thought of our mum lecturing me is funny, I suppose before this I would have found it amusing too but now it makes me anxious and a bit mad.

“Jimin, I don’t want to see mum and dad.” I said as I swallowed to relieve the scratchiness in my throat.

“Chae-ah, they would want to see you. They have been so worried about you.” Jimin explained but I shook my head.

“No, I’m not ready to face them yet. Even being face to face with you is hard enough without them here.” I said harshly.

Jimin suddenly stood up and went to the door, his hand on the handle.

“I’m sorry Noona, it was meant to be a surprise.” He says with a regret-filled expression and opens the door revealing our parents standing at the threshold with anxious smiles on their faces.

The shock alone left me unable to speak, my parents hesitantly shuffle into the room and I can tell by the glances they are sharing with each other that they have heard every word Jimin and I have said. They come close to the bed, my mother puts the bouquet of rainbow roses down on the small bedside table while my father just stands there looking at me.

“Honey, we are so glad you are okay.” My mother says, reaching out to touch my cheek.

“Don’t’” I said as I pushed her hand away from me, startling her.

“Chae-ah!” My father shouts angrily, putting an arm around mother, who looked on the verge of crying.

Jimin was by my side in an instant, I thought he was going to make excuses for my behaviour but the glare he gave me made what I thought wrong.

“She is just glad to see you’re okay, don’t throw her affection for you back in her face.” Jimin said firmly, suddenly seeming much older than he was.

“I know you’ve been through a lot Chae-ah but don’t make us the enemy here.” My father says and I let out a disdainful chuckle.

“You have no idea what I’ve been through! So, don’t come in here pretending like you know when you know nothing! You have no idea how much I’m suffering right now! I was humiliated and shamed by someone who I thought loved me, you don’t know how many sleepless nights I had just to make sure he came home. How many hours I spent wondering what I did to make our marriage go horribly wrong, how stupid I feel knowing that everyone else knew about Taekwoon and that I was too blind to see it, too caught up to notice anything. And now here you are just adding to my pain, you have no idea how hard it is for me to look at you right now. Your presence here is only hurting me more so please leave and don’t come back.”

Warm tears slide down my cheeks as everything I’ve kept locked inside comes pouring out of me like an emotional tidal wave, my parents and Jimin are stunned silent. They have never seen me or known me to be this emotional, I could tell they were shocked but I didn’t care. I was hurting and in so much pain, all I wanted was to curl into a ball and cry. Jimin escorted our parents out, my mother gave me one more glance before they disappeared from my sight. The relief I felt was instantaneous, the calmness seeping throughout my body made me realise how much I was accustomed to being alone.

~

A week has passed when I saw Jimin again, when the lead doctor assigned to me is introducing me to the head doctor of the mental health clinic on the level above my room, this time he has Yoongi with him. While the doctor is speaking to me I notice Yoongi has been holding onto Jimin’s hand the entire time, the rush of envy I feel towards them was surprising to me that I almost didn’t catch what the psychiatrist said.

“I’m sorry, you want me to what?” I asked, not sure if I heard him correctly.

“Mrs Jung, I think it would be in your best interest and well-being if you have a few counselling sessions with me. Your family have already spoken on your behalf so we would like to start the sessions as soon as possible.” The psychiatrist says, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

I make eye contact with Jimin, his expression is one of guilt. He breaks the eye contact and buries his head into Yoongi’s shoulder. My gaze goes to the psychiatrist, who is waiting for a response from me, his pen ready to write down whatever on the paper in front of him.

“if you think I’m going to pour my heart out to you just because you have a piece of paper saying your qualified for it, you are sorely mistaken. I don’t have to go to these counselling sessions, I have every right to refuse. I don’t need to share my feelings with a random stranger despite what my family thinks.” I say to him with more anger in my voice than I thought. He seemed unfazed by it and quickly scribbles down something before looking at me.

“Your actions only 3 days ago prove otherwise, you abused the male nurse assigned to you coz you said he looked like your ex-husband and then you broke the mirror in your bathroom and tried to cut yourself. That is a clear sign that you are anything but okay, Mrs Jung.” He said in a monotone voice that irked me.

“Careful shrink or you might find that pen somewhere where the sun doesn’t shine.” I threaten eying the pen in his hands.

“Your aggression towards me is only further proving my point.”

I go to say something back to him but a voice stops me.

“Please Chae-ah, just do the sessions.” Jimin begs in a quiet voice and yet it made me feel like I’d been hit by a truck. Yoongi puts an arm around my brother, comforting him.

Why does every affectionate thing Yoongi does make me feel like a thousand knifes are going into my chest at the same time? I should be happy for Jimin and somehow the voice in my head won’t let me be glad for my brother. The voice in my head takes control and the words coming out of my mouth shock everyone in the room, including me.

“You really think begging me to do this will make up for the fact that you went behind my back? How many times is that now, Jimin?”

Jimin’s eyes are wide like a deer caught in headlights while Yoongi just glares at me like I’ve insulted him. The doctor and psychiatrist exchange glances before nodding to each other, I ignore them and focus on my brother.

“I have a question for you Yoongi. Before telling me, how long had you and Jimin known that Taekwoon was cheating on me?” I asked, my question clearly caught him off guard as his expression went from mad to anxious in a matter of seconds, he glanced at Jimin unsure whether to answer my question, it became clear that they have been dreading this moment. Jimin’s face has gone pale, he looked at me, his eyes silently begging me to take my question back and ignore everything.

“We knew a month before telling you.” Yoongi answers, his face showing clearly how sorry he is despite what happened earlier.

A month?

A whole month of knowing and they did nothing?

I was unaware of the tears streaming down my face, choking on a sob that escaped my throat as all the feelings of humiliation and suffering bubble to the surface. Jimin was crying too, Yoongi holding onto him as support.

“You knew for month, did mum and dad know too? Did your friends know too? Was I the only one that didn’t know?!!”

“I’m sorry Noona! I didn’t know how to tell you then, I didn’t want to hurt you.” He apologised, sobbing.

“How could you do this to me, Jimin?!” I yelled back, the tears were streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks, onto the white bedsheets.

“I think you guys should leave now.” The doctor said before pressing a button on the wall above my bed, the psychiatrist ushered Jimin and Yoongi out.

I could still hear Jimin’s sobbing above my own and that only made me feel worse, the hate that I started to feel only intensified. We were supposed to look out for each other, protect one another from those that tried to hurt us. He should have told me straight away, then maybe things wouldn’t be this hectic and turbulent. How am I going to trust him, trust my family again when they all kept this a secret from me?

I have no one fighting for me anymore, the sad realism occurs to me that everyone stopped fighting for me when I decided not to listen to their pleas about Taekwoon. They’ve been watching silently form the sidelines while I’ve been fighting and still no one helped me, made me see sense. The doctor goes away after injecting something into my iv line, I lay down and pull the blanket over my head as my body starts to relax, in no time I’m unconscious, my dreams being my only salvation for the harsh reality that is my life.

~

“It’s been two weeks and your sister has been compliant during our sessions, through these sessions I have been able to determine why your sister is acting the way she is. Rather than blaming herself, she is putting the blame on others to draw away from the fact that she might have been aware of her husband’s infidelity and yet she willed her mind to forget about such a possibility and so her mind put up barriers to make her forget. Your sister is finding it hard to move on, she doesn’t know what to do with herself, her self-harm urges come from the fact that she has been in a dependant relationship and she can’t support herself. When you told her and she confronted her husband, rather than act out in aggression towards him, she kept it inside herself until finally she couldn’t take it anymore, Chae-ah sees suicide as a way out to deal from all the problems. She has lost her will and reason to keep on living, in our sessions she always asks what is she supposed to live for. I believe that she can get better with anti-depressants and time but Jimin, you must understand that people with a mental illness like your sister only get better if they want to but sometimes they end up getting what they want.”

Jimin stood in the elevator, the psychiatrists words playing on repeat in his mind repeatedly until it was almost like a mantra. The fact that he could lose his sister at any moment weighed heavily on his mind, how was he supposed to help her, it only seemed like he was doing more damage to her instead. What can he possibly do? Chae-ah refuses to see him whenever he visits, he was hoping she would cave him and see him since he starts university again in a week, he won’t have any time to see her once the semester starts. He got off the elevator, making his way to the exit where Yoongi was waiting for him. Jimin happened to look at the couple walking past him and he froze when he recognised the male was Taekwoon, smiling and laughing at something the heavily pregnant woman latched onto his arm said.

Taekwoon noticed Jimin and his smile turned smug.

“Why Jimin, fancy running into you here. Haven’t seen you in a while, how is Chae-ah?” He said tauntingly.

“You have no right to say her name! You bastard!” Jimin shouted, Yoongi noticed who Jimin was talking to and was by his side in a flash.

“You should keep your voice down Jimin, you are scaring my fiancé.” Taekwoon warned

“Your fiancé? This is who you cheated on my sister with?” Jimin eyed the woman before him with disgust. “Did you know he was married when you started sleeping with him?” He asked the woman, she stared at the ground, avoiding his gaze. He sensed that there was something else going on here. Before he could speak again, a soft voice called out. 

“Sohee?”

The four of them turned around to see Chae-ah coming out of the elevator in a wheelchair, surprise on her face at seeing her best friend from uni, the male nurse behind her immediately was on his phone. Chae-ah’s surprise turned to mortification when she noticed Taekwoon standing next to Sohee, his arm around her protectively. It took her less than a second to put the dots together, her heart was breaking all over again.

“Sohee, you were the one?” Chae-ah barely managed to voice out the question, looking at her friend and glancing at her pregnant belly in disbelief. Her heart wasn’t only breaking, it was being pulverised into dust.

“Indeed, I was but Chae-ah, Taekwoon met me before he met you but his parents didn’t like me and they told him to find a decent girl to marry otherwise he wouldn’t get his inheritance so I told him about you. Taekwoon was still seeing me in secret, although I didn’t know how dense you were not to notice anything was strange.” Sohee said without a hint of remorse, her smile just as smug as the one Taekwoon bore.

Jimin couldn’t take it anymore and socked Taekwoon in the jaw with a right hook, sending Taekwoon backwards, landing on the floor with a thud. Sohee screamed and knelt beside Taekwoon as he wiped away the blood on his lip. Yoongi smirked proudly before following Jimin, who was making his way to Chae-ah. He knew she was on the verge of crying so he was on his knees before her and without warning or words, hugged her. Chae-ah stilled for a minute before relaxing completely in Jimin’s arms and wrapped her own around him, burying her head in his shoulder, the wall she had built up around herself had crumbled.

“I’m sorry Jimin.” She said crying into his shoulder.

“No, I’m the one that should be sorry.” He replied kissing the top of her head.

“You were just trying to help me and I threw your love for me back in your face. Forgive me?” Chae-ah lifted her head to see her brother’s face and was relieved when he smiled back at her.

“There’s nothing to forgive.” Jimin wiped away the tears from her cheeks and giving his sister another kiss on her forehead.

Yoongi watched the siblings make up, it was an endearing and heart-warming sight, he wished the others were here to witness it. He saw Chae-ah’s doctor coming over in a hurry and went over to him leaving the two siblings alone.

“Everything is fine now, Chae-ah witnessed something but I think it knocked some sense into her.” Yoongi told the doctor although he didn’t mention what that something was, he knew the doctor would no doubt try to question Chae-ah about it.

“Well since she is showing that much emotion, I think she has found her motivation to move on. The two of them really are close, aren’t they?” He asks Yoongi.

“The closest two siblings can be. Their parents used to work a lot when they were younger, sometimes they weren’t even home so Chae-ah had to step up and look after Jimin.” Yoongi explains remembering all the times Jimin told him how Chae-ah had to sacrifice a night out with friends to look after him because their parents hadn’t been home in days from work.

“From what you just said, Chae-ah was always the one taking care of people so when the roles got reversed, she depended on her husband so much that once he left her, she just froze, unsure of what to do for herself. I think with time and patience, she can learn to look after herself and be independent on her own.” The Doctor says, his words sounded positive and yet Yoongi wondered what would happen to Chae-ah if she suffered another emotional meltdown.

“I have a sensitive question to ask you, what will happen to Chae-ah if she goes through another meltdown like this one?” He asks even though he feels guilty for asking.

The doctor purses his lips as he thinks of answer, his gaze is on the siblings before he turns back to Yoongi, his expression serious.

“From my experience over the years I’ll tell you one thing I am sure of. Patients who have a second mental breakdown will succeed in killing themselves, the desperation acts like fuel for them so my advice to you is that if Chae-ah suffers something similar to what happened with her husband, don’t try to stop her or revive her otherwise it will be even harder for her to come back to Jimin. She will hate you and then keep trying until she succeeds and in all cases, they do and it’s only much worse for the families.” He explains with a sombre expression before giving Yoongi a short nod, walking away to answer a page.

Yoongi turned back to the siblings, the doctor’s words slowly sinking in, branded into his brain, he didn’t think he would ever be able to forget them. He pondered whether he should tell Jimin or not but he knew with a doubt that it would be a burden on him, so he pushed that thought out of his head and joined the two siblings, he was glad to see Jimin’s smile again and hoped that it never vanished ever again.