170329 (but actually written ages ago)

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‘Mum, this is awkward as it is. You don’t have to make me even more embarrassed.’ Baekhyun whispered softly, trying to stop his mother from overly decorating everything – and everyone, as he had just learnt.

 

He briefly wondered if he should actually carry on with the wedding but no, it was not possible for him to resign now. His parents were happy, the other side’s relatives also very much so and only his heart felt as heavy as a stone. He was in no position to disrupt the celebration.

 

He was well aware of his village’s envy. A person like himself, a very ordinary 21 year old, with no real education and no wealth to match his spouse’s - many wondered how he, out of all, was proposed to by the young general Park Chanyeol. No matter how long Baekhyun had thought about it, he could not find a single thing that they had in common. Sure, they lived close enough from each other, if one considered distance, but it meant nothing. All his life, Baekhyun had lived in a small village, as a son of a local doctor. He was trained in herbs and healing so that one day, he could take over the small practice. They were not among the poorest, but definitely not rich enough to ever be able to travel or even go to the city more than once a month when his father had to restock the supplies. Baekhyun did not mind, though – he hated crowds.

 

Park Chanyeol was slightly older than him, but as a second son of an aristocratic household, he had been sent to make his living in the army, as soon as he turned 16. 8 years later, he was already a general, having found fame and made a small fortune for himself. He was educated in a boys’ private school and obviously enough, his parents had their house in the city. It was a mystery to Baekhyun, who had never even heard of the young soldier, how he could have possibly captured his attention.

 

But the proposal came through a messenger, along with a letter written by Park Chanyeol himself – one that made Baekhyun’s ears very hot. In search of a better life for their only son, his parents did not think twice before agreeing. Baekhyun realized that it was his chance to repay them for their kindness and patience with him, so he just nodded shyly. He prayed that Park Chanyeol was indeed the man that others described him to be.

 

And… what did he look like? The boy mentally scolded himself for thinking about such shallow matters. If the general was generous and warm-hearted, that should be enough. But then again, Baekhyun’s mind could not help but wander off in a vain attempt at imagining the older’s physique.

 

Their country stood at the brink of a war, which was why not even seven days passed since the proposal before the wedding was supposed to take place. No big ceremonials, no lavish food. It was too fast too soon. In the rush of events, Baekhyun was denied the one thing that he longed to see – the image of his husband-to-be. But people kept coming and going, busily arranging the ceremony, and only Park Chanyeol had yet to make an appearance.

 

In his dreams, Baekhyun kept seeing a tall silhouette, but the man’s expression remained unseen. Baekhyun tried to move towards him several times, he tried to hear what the other seemed to be saying to him, but it was impossible. He always woke up in shivers, mentally exhausted.

 

So now, with his father anxious, his mother trying to make it seem more like a real wedding, and curious villagers outside the church trying to sneak a peek at the general, Baekhyun did not care anymore. Nothing was more important than to see his spouse’s face. The longing was unbearable. But four o’clock had passed and there was still no news of Park Chanyeol’s arrival. Baekhyun sat down, his head hung low. What was the meaning of this? He bit his lower lip.

 

‘Ma’am! Ma’am!’ The door opened abruptly, revealing a young boy who must have been in the Parks’ service. Park Chanyeol’s mother stoop up, alarmed.

 

‘Teamin, what’s wrong?’ She placed her hand at her heart, ready to hear whatever the news was. The boy struggled to catch his breath. He must have run long miles in order to deliver his message.

 

‘Ma’am, they’re here! The enemy is at the border!’

 

Now, it was Chanyeol’s father’s turn to speak. He paled.

 

‘Is this true?’ He said, almost inaudibly. The young boy only managed to nod in response.

 

‘Young master Chanyeol is already gone, he had to go immediately.’ He went on explaining. ‘He grabbed his horse and rode off. It was a good thing that he always wanted his stud to be prepared for a journey. It’s like he had been expecting this to happen.’

 

‘Oh my.’ Mrs. Park sat down again. There was nothing more she could say.

 

‘Ma’am, there’s one more thing. Young master left me with this.’ He reached out for the tube that he carried on his back. He opened the lid carefully and handed in the paper.

 

Mr. Park read the document, a frown full of surprise coming to mar his face. He passed it to his wife. Her reaction was almost the same. She looked at her future son-in-law.

 

‘Baekhyun-ah, are you still willing to marry my Chanyeol?’

‘But he’s not here.’ Baekhyun answered only, stupefied. He didn’t understand.

 

‘He… left his marriage vow, already signed. He insists that the two of you marry this way so that you can wait for him, having the protection as a member of our family.’

 

‘What do you say, honey?’ His mother reached out for his hand and he only nodded, still shocked into speechlessness. He had so many question running through his head, but he could not break his mother’s heart.

 

So he signed the vow and officially became Park Chanyeol’s. Under such circumstances, he was to be immediately taken to their countryside mansion and remain there until Chanyeol returned. A single tear fell as he was saying his goodbyes, which was taken by the family as a sign of happiness and anxiety. The truth was, he was scared and utterly disappointed. The mysterious Park Chanyeol not only separated him from his family; Baekhyun now belonged to a man whom he didn’t know and whose face he had never ever seen.

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun woke up that morning and proceeded as usual with his daily habits. He cleaned his face, trying hard to erase the signs of tiredness. Although he only lived with two other people now, they could always tell when he was unwell and worried for him constantly. He wanted to spare them at least that. They had enough issues to be concerned with - and it didn’t help that he himself was quite incompetent in terms of running the house, so the responsibility fell on them.

 

He dressed carefully and descended the stairs. He could smell cooked rice. Joohyun had beat him to it again - she had managed to wake up earlier.

 

After his wedding, he settled in the small mansion, away from the buzz of the city. Despite his initial fear, it actually suited him fine. The house wasn’t too big - well, at least when compared to other properties owned by the Park family. His in-laws stayed in the capital, taking interest in the war and its progression. Baekhyun was indifferent, you could say that. He was never interested in such things in the first place, it was enough for him when once in a while, a soldier or two rode up, asking for water or lodging and shared the news in exchange. After 14 months, they said that it was finally over. Their army had won, the other party had had to surrender. This much satisfied Baekhyun’s heart, which yearned for peace.

 

He sometimes asked them if they knew Park Chanyeol. They always replied, as if repeating a chorus, that he had been one of the bravest out there. The respect was visible on their faces. Baekhyun never had the courage to ask if the past tense meant that he was no more; he was too afraid to hear the possible answer. Such meetings always seriously disrupted his quiet existence. He couldn’t sleep for the next night or two, constantly hoping and then falling into despair. His heart was restless. It didn’t make any sense, not even to him, that he should miss a person he had never seen, never once met. But this faceless person carried him through his difficulties, consoled him in his sleep and gave him reassurance. He had spent over a year of his life waiting for this person, not knowing if there would ever be a day when his dream would come true and he would at least catch a glimpse of his husband.

 

Then his insecurities would usually get to him, whispering into his ear that he had changed a lot since the last time Park Chanyeol saw him. If he was ever desirable to him, Baekhyun reckoned, it must have been because of his healthy appearance and youth. However, the war, although far away, had left its mark on him. He became slimmer, more tired and unusually quiet.

 

Joohyun was a house keeper sent with him to take care of the housework. Jongin took care of the household’s expenses and the management of the propriety that was on lease. Because there were only three of them, they had decided to shut down the left wing of the house, which saved them the trouble with maintenance. The two had soon became his only family, the only people he could talk to. He rarely saw his parents or anyone from the Park family. He was limited to writing letters and long hours of waiting by the window. He had lived like a widower for quite a while.

 

Baekhyun enjoyed cooking; it was one of the things that he had learnt during his stay there. He often had friendly arguments with Joohyun, who insisted that it was her job to cook for him, while he insisted on making his own dinner. Both of them knew that although it was a dull activity, it was better than a complete nothingness that surrounded them.

 

That morning, the three of them ate their breakfast and Jongin excused himself, saying that he had an errand to run. Indeed, unlike them, his job required constant attention, especially now, when the harvest was about to start. The remaining two sat down by the window, drinking their tea. Joohyun took out her knitting kit, while Baekhyun reached for a book. But somehow, he wasn’t in the mood for reading. The woman caught him daydreaming, looking through the window.

 

‘Do you think that I will ever see that person?’ He asked out of the sudden. Even though his friends noticed his anxieties, it was the first time that he talked about them so openly.

 

‘Who?’

 

‘Park Chanyeol,’ he replied. Joohyun sighed.

 

‘You should not call him ‘that person’, young master.’ She always called him “young master”, no matter how many times he denied the title. ‘It will bring bad luck.’

‘What should I call him, then? He is my husband but… is he really? I can feel his presence, he is like a shadow in this mansion, but I don’t know him. I must have gone crazy from all this waiting. Why does he have such a big influence on my life if I have never met him?’ She sighed again.

 

‘Your heart knows your duty - that’s why it will never let you be free, as long as our young master isn’t here. Only after you’ve met him will you be able to decide what to do next. In the meantime, you just wait; there is nothing that you can do, anyway.’

 

Joohyun was right. She put into words the thoughts that lingered on his mind and he couldn’t quite grasp.

 

‘You’re right,’ he responded quietly and returned to looking at the scenery outside. It was only after three hours or so that something actually happened.

 

‘I think there is someone approaching the house. I can see the horses.’ Baekhyun heard Joohyun say to Jongin. He himself hurried to the nearest window, having previously abandoned his position in favour of the kitchen table. The woman was right, there were two men riding towards them.

 

‘Young master, wait inside. We will go and check first.’ Joohyun said and Baekhyun only nodded. It was futile to argue, it was the routine the servants insisted on. ‘Maybe they are returning soldiers, like before,’ she added. Baekhyun observed as they quickly walked up to the men who stopped not too far away from the building. Joohyun and Jongin bowed deeply and smiled happily. They knew them. Was this possibly…?

 

Throughout the duration of his ghost marriage, Baekhyun had been so busy contemplating his mysterious husband that he had completely forgotten about the fear that overwhelmed him this instant: how would the married life with both parties actually present be? Would his life change drastically now? What if his husband was a strict person? He was a general, after all.

 

Baekhyun lost himself in a daydream that was broken only once he noticed that both men were looking in his direction. He blushed; they were surely talking about him. Should he go outside? He gathered all his courage and quickly rearranging his clothing, stepped out. He met them half way, as they were walking with Joohyun – their horses must have been escorted to the stables by Jongin.

 

‘Young master,’ Joohyun turned towards him. ‘Good news indeed. Those men here are friends of our master. They served in the same regiment. He sent them ahead; he is supposed to be arriving shortly after, a fortnight perhaps but no longer.’

 

All Baekhyun could do was to bow respectfully.

 

‘My name is Baekhyun,’ he said, his voice hoarse. He was getting nervous just with the presence of his husband’s friends. How would it be when he finally arrived?

 

‘We know you.’ Responded one of them, smiling. ‘Chanyeol keeps a small sketch of you with him at all times. He used to say that you were the only thing that kept him going. He absolutely could not die without coming back to you first. It’s really nice to finally meet you. I’m Yifan.’

 

Baekhyun turned his head towards the second man and immediately lowered his gaze. The other’s look was intense, as if he was swallowing him whole without a single blink. Like he could see through him, down to his very soul.

 

‘I’m Sehun.’ He introduced himself after an awkward while. Baekhyun could only bow in reply.

 

That night, they sat together and had their dinner as friends. The men, encouraged by Joohyun and shyly by Baekhyun, decided to remain in the mansion until their friend arrived. Yifan was easy to get along with; it seemed unlikely that a soldier who had gone through so much was smiling this readily. He replied that it was so, because the victory was eventually theirs. But after a while and a couple of cups of wine later, Yifan admitted to his greatest fear: his lover, serving in another regiment, was still somewhere out there. Although the war had ended, Yifan had had no news of him for the past 5 months. All he could do was wait – just like Baekhyun.

 

Sehun mostly observed - no, stared at Baekhyun which was getting extremely uncomfortable, but the latter didn’t do anything about it. Maybe it was an influence of the war; Baekhyun didn’t want to embarrass the other even if he himself was suffering distress.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following day, Baekhyun sat outdoors, near the vegetable garden. The weather was very favorable. He assumed that the soldiers needed their rest, so he let them be. He didn’t even have the heart to argue with Joohyun. He felt restless, but it was a different type of anxiety than he had experienced so far. He wrote it off as a sign of Park Chanyeol’s proximity.

 

‘Are you sitting here alone?’ Asked a voice behind him and it almost made Baekhyun jump. He gasped, as if caught red-handed.

 

‘I’m sorry. You scared me.’ He voiced out, making some space next to him on the blanket. Sehun took the seat.

 

‘I’m sorry.’ The other said. He pointed ahead. ‘Did you start the garden? I don’t remember it. I used to come here a lot.’ He explained. Baekhyun nodded.

 

‘We started it with Joohyun this spring. The supplies ran thinner and we needed a distraction anyway.’ He shrugged.

 

‘What else did you do when Chanyeol wasn’t here?’ Baekhyun shrugged again.

 

‘Nothing much. There were some books – I’ve read almost all of them. I learnt to cook and, mostly, I was just thinking.’

 

‘What were you thinking about?’

 

‘Nothing much.’ Baekhyun repeated only. He was definitely nervous around this man. Strangely enough, he also felt safe next to him – the older’s stoicism seemed to calm him down.

 

They sat in silence for a while until they were called for lunch. Sehun’s eyes never left Baekhyun’s side.

 

After a couple of days, Baekhyun became used to this strange person’s company. They often sat together, sometimes joined by Yifan who mostly felt the need to move around and crossed the nearby forest multiple times on his horse. Sehun’s presence and his thoughtfulness were hypnotising. Baekhyun found him oddly appealing. Sometimes, long hours would pass before he said anything in his quiet, but deep voice, or suddenly touched Baekhyun’s hand, telling him to be careful.

 

‘Do you feel regretful?’ He asked one day and Baekhyun pondered over the question. He used to, sometimes, when he was all alone and scared, but as the spring came, and later summer, his mood had become calm, if not cheerful.

 

‘I do not regret marrying Park Chanyeol.’ He stated firmly. ‘This way, I was able to help my family survive the war and stopped being a burden to them. Maybe you will be shocked, but I do not feel anything for Park Chanyeol, besides perhaps thankfulness for the help I’ve received. But nothing more. How can I? I’ve never even seen him.’ He sighed heavily.

 

Sehun nodded slowly.

 

‘You know.’ He said hesitantly. ‘It’s not like he didn’t want to see you. Every day, for a year or so, he would ride down to your village and watch you from afar, wishing that he could tell you all that was in his heart. He really treasured even the sight of you, always so calm and serene. He wished to be a part of that peaceful world. He was in the army for too long, I guess. He forgot what it was like to actually live.’

 

‘How do you know?’ The older looked at Baekhyun as if seeing him for the first time since he started his speech. He had become lost in thought along the way.

 

‘He told me about it.’ Sehun eventually replied.

‘And what happened next?’ Baekhyun asked, curiously. Sehun looked up at the sky.

 

‘He felt more and more miserable, being away from you. He persuaded his parents and received a permission to marry. And he still felt insecure. He was looking forward to the wedding day, to finally be united with you but then… fate fooled him once again. The war broke out and it would be another 14 months until he would see you again.’

 

As he finished the story, he didn’t dare look at Baekhyun, scared to see understanding in those round eyes. Not yet, he prayed. Just a little bit more.

 

‘To be honest, I don’t know him but I keep having dreams about him.’ Sehun turned to the younger curiously.

 

‘Is that so?’ Baekhyun nodded.

‘If it is true what you say and he has always thought about me, maybe we stayed connected without me realising. In my dreams, I meet a tall, dark man, he says something to me but I can’t hear him. Sometimes he holds my hand and encourages me. Sometimes I can see myself talking to him and he listens to me. I stopped confessing about those mares, people thought I was going crazy out of loneliness.’ He bit his lip.

 

‘I’m sorry that you had to be here all alone, even though Chanyeol promised to take care of you.’ Baekhyun saw a certain kind of desperation on Sehun’s face.

 

‘Why did you say that Chanyeol was insecure? Isn’t he wealthy and mighty?’ The younger asked out of the blue, drawing the other’s attention once again.

 

‘He was… I mean, I’m not sure.’ He gave an ambiguous answer, lowering his head.

 

‘Where did you get your scar?’ Baekhyun whispered, unconsciously raising a hand to touch it.

 

Of course, he had noticed it before but chose to bring up the topic only now. A semi thick line found its way from the inner corner of his left eye and ran through the upper part of his cheek, almost until it met his left ear. This scar, combined with Sehun’s features, scared Baekhyun at first. Now he could only feel sympathy for this man.

 

The soldier leaned away before Baekhyun had a chance to trace it with his finger.

 

‘It’s ugly, I know.’ He almost growled in self depreciation.

 

‘Only you think so.’ Baekhyun responded to that. Something in his voice made the other look at him.

 

‘I was 17, only one year in the army. I wasn’t quick enough. A sparring partner’s sword barely missed my eye. It marked me for life. But at least I never made that mistake again.’ He finished bitterly.

 

‘You shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It’s a sign of your bravery.’

 

Soon after Baekhyun went back into the house and left him to his own thoughts. That was how Yifan found him, when he came back from his horse ride.

 

‘Are you all right?’ Yifan nudged his friend.

 

‘I talked to Baekhyun today. He made me open up, I don’t even know how. I might have said too much…’

 

‘Chanyeol, look at me.’ Yifan put his hand on the other’s shoulder, reassuring him. ‘I understand your intentions, but you’re lying to him. He is waiting for a husband who is already by his side. And you’re using Sehun’s name, on top of everything. Sehun is dead, Chanyeol,’ His friend emphasised, anguish in his voice.

‘No, Yifan, you don’t understand. If I had just come in here, with my awkward self, claiming to be his husband, it would have never worked. He would have been too self-conscious and I would have turned defensive. I know myself. Sehun’s name gives me an opportunity to get to know him… To let him know me and maybe, fall in love with me. But it takes time.’

 

‘I think you’re more than capable of doing that, being yourself.’

 

‘I don’t think so. But I realise that this lie cannot last long. I will tell him, soon. I promise.’

 

 

Part 2

 

‘What will you do when your husband returns?’

 

Baekhyun had been sitting on the terrace for hours and then he was joined by Chanyeol, which had turned into their usual habit. Chanyeol did not find it awkward anymore. On the contrary, he was looking forward to their every conversation, every detail that the other would share with him. He wanted to know all there was to know about Baekhyun, all the small details that even Baekhyun thought unimportant. He did not even care that he was revealing himself little by little.

 

‘I don’t know. What is he like?’ The younger asked in return. Chanyeol tensed, although to the outsider it might have looked as if he was considering the matter.

 

‘I’m afraid that my description could be lacking and inaccurate.’

 

‘There surely must be something that you know about him.’ Baekhyun encouraged, looking at him expectantly. ‘You’re friends, aren’t you?’

 

‘I suppose so.’

 

‘Was he brave during the war?’

 

‘He was- He did what he had to. He doesn’t enjoy war, not like he’d seen others do. People there lose their minds; all they want is to survive, no matter the cost. It’s a totally different world.’

 

‘Was he scared, then?’

 

‘I… I honestly don’t know.’

 

‘Were you scared?’ Baekhyun asked quieter. The younger was looking at him, but Chanyeol didn’t dare move his head.

 

‘Sometimes. But there is somebody that depends on me, so I had to come back. I had to.’

 

Baekhyun nodded lightly. He took the bowl of fruit that Joohyun had brought and he placed it on his lap, reaching for the knife to peel them.

 

‘These are ours.’ He gestured at the apples. ‘You should try.’ Not even 30 seconds passed, however, when suddenly, he cut himself and dropped the razor with a gasp.

 

‘Watch out!’ Chanyeol grabbed his hand - the finger was bleeding heavily. ‘You should be more careful. You’re so clumsy, you know that? It’s not even the first time you’ve done this…’ He took the finger and without thinking, he started on it. Only a couple of seconds later did he realise what he was doing. Their eyes met and Chanyeol stilled, slowly letting go of the other’s hand. Baekhyun didn’t take it out of his mouth and both of them just looked at each other, unsure of what to do.

 

‘Young master, did you remember to water the garden?’

 

And with Joohyun’s appearance, the moment was broken. They nearly jumped away from each other, Baekhyun with a slight blush and Chanyeol with a guilty conscience, even though he had no reason to feel so. Baekhyun reached for a handkerchief. Joohyun looked at them suspiciously but spared a comment.

 

‘Young master, did you?’

 

‘Y-yes, I did it in the morning,’ Baekhyun managed to answer.

 

‘Do you need me to start preparing dinner now?’

 

‘Sehun, is it all right with you?’ He questioned and Chanyeol just nodded, not trusting his voice.

 

‘I guess it is fine. Do you need help?’

 

‘You will make me look bad in front of our guests.’ She huffed playfully and walked away.

 

‘I will see you in an hour, then.’ Chanyeol followed the maid before Baekhyun had a chance to say anything. He sighed, watching him disappear.

 

 

 

 

‘Is something the matter?’ It was yet another day and they were sitting at the dining table, drinking tea. Baekhyun looked up from his cup.

 

‘How so?’

 

‘You seem down.’

 

‘It’s just that… When will my husband arrive?’

 

Yifan stole a quick glance at Chanyeol, but the other didn’t betray himself with as much as a gesture.

 

‘He’s on his way. He will be here soon.’ Yifan answered, feeling bad for lying.

 

‘Can’t you tell me more about him? To be honest, I still don’t feel I fully understand him.’ The friends exchanged glances once again.

 

‘He’s a good companion, this much I can tell you. He doesn’t open up easily but once you’ve gained his affection, it won’t change. He’s a good man.’

 

‘Would you agree?’ Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol and the other just cleared his throat.

 

‘Yifan probably knows him best.’ He just said ambiguously.

 

That same night Chanyeol couldn’t sleep. His dreams were driving him crazy. It was like it used to be before war, only this time stronger. He wanted Baekhyun badly, in every way he could have him. He wanted him to talk to him, look at him, caress him, knowing his real identity. He knew that he was being silly for even thinking that Baekhyun wouldn’t acknowledge him because it was obvious that he was more than kind. But those dreams… And his scar.

 

Now, it became even worse. He dreamt of the day his friend Sehun died. Only this time, it was him dying and Baekhyun sitting beside him. Chanyeol desperately tried to let him know that he was still there, breathing, but he couldn’t move. Baekhyun just sat there, looking at him emotionlessly. The soldier woke up abruptly, sweat on his forehead.

 

He’d rather stay conscious; awake, he could control his reasoning, to a certain degree at least. It wasn’t much but it was something.

 

‘Aren’t you sleeping yet?’ He heard a whisper behind him and he turned around, startled. ‘I noticed you’ve your light.’ Chanyeol blinked, still not reacting. ‘My window is right opposite yours.’ Baekhyun gestured slowly.

 

‘Oh, that’s right.’ He knew that. He cleared his throat. ‘I was just… thinking.’

 

‘Me, too.’ The other admitted. ‘Recently, that’s all I’ve been doing. I’m still trying to comprehend…’

 

‘Comprehend what?’

 

‘Remember when you asked me what I had been thinking about while my husband was away? I was trying to understand why he had been hiding away from me all that time, why I had never seen his face. And now, I’m even more preoccupied. Why does he still feel the need to do so?’

 

‘He does not hide, he’s on his way,’ Chanyeol replied rather weakly.

‘Is he?’ Baekhyun questioned, looking through the window. He could see his own room, lightened as he left it.

 

‘I think…’ Chanyeol exhaled, putting his hand over the other’s. Baekhyun’s lips opened, waiting for an answer. He let go, although reluctantly. ‘I think you should go now. It may not be appropriate for you to be here.’

 

‘Really?’ Baekhyun asked once again. He touched Chanyeol’s face, tracing the scar with his fingers. This scar was hypnotising. It might have looked unpleasant, but Baekhyun saw through the façade. It represented the events of the past, but also the things that might happen in the future. It was like a wall separating them. Chanyeol wore it like a mask to scare off the people who didn’t know him.

 

‘The healer told me it is bad luck to look at it too much.’ He moved his head to the side, leaning away from the touch.

 

‘Is that so? I think it’s beautiful.’

 

‘I told you it’s ugly.’ Although the older didn’t mean to, it came out as an angry protest.

 

‘You have no right to tell me how I feel about it. And I think it makes you an admirable person.’ Baekhyun let go and sighed. ‘I’ve never been in the army. It had been decided long before I married my husband. I always had breathing problems. Even though I’m the only son in my family, they spared me and I never had to harm anyone. My father taught me how to heal, instead.’

 

Chanyeol nodded. Having Baekhyun at such close proximity clouded his better judgment. Saying things like that, sitting casually on his bed at night… Would Baekhyun do it with any other man he took a liking to? Had he done it before? Chanyeol gritted his teeth, trying to not think about it. Of course, despite their marriage vows, he felt like he had no right to his spouse whatsoever. It was not about ownership, it was about winning him over, he reminded himself, but how was it even possible when Baekhyun was slowly becoming attached to the person that Chanyeol was not? Well, he didn’t exactly lie about everything, but the idea of Chanyeol being somebody else seemed to put Baekhyun at ease and it was worrying.

 

‘I’d like to talk with you about something. But not now, it’s too late for that. Tomorrow.’ He promised. ‘You should go back to sleep.’

 

‘Tomorrow, then,’ Baekhyun nodded with a serious face and left the bed. He turned around at the door. His good night rang in Chanyeol’s ears until the wee hours of the morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘How are you doing?’ Actually, Chanyeol had been so preoccupied with the entire situation that Yifan had been left to fend for himself for quite a while. ‘I’m sorry, I’m not the best host out there.’

 

‘I’m fine. And I understand, although I still don’t support it.’ Yifan glared meaningfully.

 

‘Then you’ll be happy to hear that I’ve made up my mind and I’m going to tell him the truth today. I’m as prepared for it as I can be.’ He shrugged unsurely.

 

‘I really don’t understand why you think so lowly of yourself. You and him have been inseparable for almost two weeks - Baekhyun looks up to you and really admires you, everyone can see that. Why do you think that it will change after you reveal yourself?’

 

‘I…’ Unconsciously, Chanyeol’s hand reached to touch his scar. ‘I’m just being silly.’

 

‘Do you think that you don’t deserve him? Look at it the other way. It’s Baekhyun who doesn’t think that he’s worthy of you. It’s not very common for the aristocracy to blend with the crowd. He is not noble.’

 

‘I don’t really care who he is. It doesn’t matter.’

 

‘If you say so yourself, why don’t you give him a chance to prove to you that your own thoughts are equally wrong?’

 

‘Because it’s not that –’

 

‘Master Yifan!’ Yifan looked up, seeing Joohyun sweaty and out of breath. She must have run all the way from the house to the fringe of the forest, in search of the two men. They had set off in the morning, walking ahead and ending up a long way from the mansion.

 

‘Joohyun, what’s wrong? Is it Baekhyun?!’ Chanyeol jumped to his feet immediately, but Joohyun’s gesture stopped him.

 

‘It’s not young master. Nothing is wrong. On the contrary, Master Junmyeon has come back. He’s waiting for you at home.’ She told Yifan, smiling happily.

 

The man immediately froze. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, but no sound came out of it. He took a second to process the information, to actually believe, but that second was all that was necessary. He broke into a sprint as he stood, running like his life depended on it. Chanyeol followed, trying to catch up. But no one could possibly catch up with Yifan in that moment.

 

He crossed the lawn at impossible speed and reached the front door, looking around desperately. He found the newcomer on the ground floor, standing in front of one of the paintings hanged by the window.

 

‘You’ve always liked this one, haven’t you?’ Yifan stated quietly, after he had managed to calm his breathing. He had taken in the sight of his lover for a few seconds before he let the other know that he was there. He needed a proof that it was all real. Junmyeon turned around, gasping.

 

Yifan swallowed, trying to hide his tears. Junmyeon looked miserable. He was unnaturally thin, even for him. He had cuts and yet unhealed bruises here and there, and his arm was hurt. Yifan stepped towards him, slowly, as if crossing the room too fast would make his Jun disappear.

 

‘Yifan…’

 

‘You have no idea what torture it was, waiting here for you. Being away from you.’ Yifan swallowed once more, tears finding their way, nevertheless. He touched his beloved’s face. ‘And look at you. God, what have they done to you?’

 

‘Yifan.’ They immediately fell into each other’s arms – where Junmyeon held onto Yifan desperately, Yifan was as gentle as possible. The taller kissed his lover’s forehead. ‘I’m alright, well, mostly… How have you been?’

 

As they whispered things between them, Chanyeol stood at the door, smiling lightly. He felt obliged to greet his friend, of course, but that could wait. The lovers in front of him were too caught up in themselves - they hardly noticed anything else.

 

‘Chanyeol.’ He snapped from his trance a minute or two later, hearing Junmyeon’s voice. He looked up and smiled. They hugged shortly.

 

‘It’s nice to have you back.’ He said sincerely. ‘Where did they send you..?’

 

‘I feel like I’ve come back from hell. You guys had it easier.’ Junmyeon joked but his eyes reflected seriousness.

 

‘Is your arm all right?’

 

‘Well, I’ve been sick for the past couple of weeks. The injury was quite bad, it hasn’t properly healed yet, but I wanted to come back so badly that I decided not to wait. You said that you would wait for me here. I had to see whether you… whether you kept your promise.’ Junmyeon stuttered over the words, turning to Yifan who was hugging him from behind. ‘Whether you were all right.’ Whether you had survived.

 

‘I’m perfectly alright, thanks to our general Park Chanyeol.’ Yifan saluted jokingly. ‘And you, stop with your excessive body language, you can barely move this arm of yours.’ He scolded, but it came out rather weakly, because he was looking at Junmyeon fondly. Any reply that the latter might have had for that was forgotten when Junmyeon spotted an unfamiliar face behind Chanyeol.

 

‘Oh, hello. You must be Baekhyun. I’m Jun –’ Junmyeon looked at the newcomer, but was cut off.

‘Park Chanyeol?’ Chanyeol turned around upon hearing the voice. Baekhyun stood at the door, looking at him questioningly. Chanyeol’s eyes shifted between Yifan’s uneasy expression, Junmyeon’s clueless frown and emotionless Baekhyun.

 

‘I… I’m…’ The older opened his mouth to explain, but he was lost for words. After a prolongue moment of silence, Baekhyun gave up – he lowered his gaze and left the room.

 

‘.’ Chanyeol sat down, his mind in despair. He let his guard down because of Junmyeon’s arrival and just like that, it all crashed and fell hard on his head.

 

‘What’s wrong with you? Go after him!’ Yifan urged, making his friend stand back up.

 

‘Maybe it is better if –’

 

‘What’s going on here?’

 

‘This loser here will regret it for the rest of his life if he makes his own husband a stranger.’ Yifan answered, angry. ‘Go on and explain. I don’t know how since I don’t know why you did it in the first place but you have to, somehow. Just do it!’ He pushed the general towards the door.

 

Chanyeol stepped out. He knew where to find Baekhyun. There was only one place the other would go to if he had something to think over - his vegetable garden. Chanyeol’s prediction turned out to be accurate.

 

He approached the younger and sat down. Baekhyun said nothing.

 

‘Baekhyun, I’m really sorry. You have no idea how much I regret doing what I’ve done.’ Chanyeol eventually opened his mouth, his words quiet.

 

‘Why did you do it? That’s all I want to know.’

 

‘I didn’t mean to… It had nothing to do with you. Everything I said to you… It was true. I changed only my identity.’

 

‘I asked why you’d done it.’ He repeated without any heat in his voice. Chanyeol swallowed.

 

‘Even if I told you, you wouldn’t understand.’

 

‘Do I seem clueless to you?’

 

‘No, but… Somebody who had never experienced it, cannot possibly understand…’

 

‘Try me,’ was the only reply. Chanyeol sighed. It wasn’t easy but if that was his last chance…

 

‘Look at me. Baekhyun, look at me, please.’ Baekhyun complied. ‘What do you see? You can be honest.’ Chanyeol lowered his eyes, waiting for a verdict.

 

‘I see a person who made me very happy, but who also disappointed me.’ Chanyeol sighed impatiently.

 

‘I mean, what do you think of my face?’

 

‘I think you’re very handsome.’ It prompted another scoff from Chanyeol.

 

‘Either you’re lying or you don’t acknowledge the truth. I look in the mirror everyday and I see this scar. And not just that. I see years of humiliation and rejection. I hear my mother’s horrifying scream when she saw my injury and see my father’s disappointment in how I let myself be harmed this way. His words about how my older brother could handle the sword better, even though he wasn’t in the army. I feel people’s judging eyes on me when they think that I don’t know. Years of loneliness which couldn’t be cured even by those few friends I had.’

 

‘Did you really take me for a person who would only pay attention to your appearance?’ Baekhyun questioned quietly, concern present in his voice.

 

‘No. But I didn’t know you back then. I saw you and after that, I just couldn’t let go. It took me a year to make any kind of move and I knew I couldn’t live without you. My parents decided that it was better to send the marriage proposal first, so I did. And you agreed, although I could feel that it was a reluctant decision.’

 

‘I didn’t know you, it had nothing to do with your appearance.’ Baekhyun reasoned.

 

‘I couldn’t know that. In my mind, all I could think about was that if you saw me, you could change your mind. And then… then it didn’t matter anymore because we were again separated. I heard from my mother that you signed the marriage vow. That was all I could do to help you at least during the war.’

 

‘And now?’ Baekhyun prompted after a moment of prolonged silence.

 

‘The closer I was, the more scared I became. So I persuaded the servants and Yifan to let me be someone else for a while. And once I’d started, it was only getting worse from there.’

 

‘Chanyeol.’ Baekhyun grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. He looked at him, disbelief in his eyes. ‘Did you really think that I didn’t guess who you were? Did you really?’

 

It was Chanyeol’s turn to blink.

 

‘You mean… That you knew all along?’

 

‘I was confused at first, but after you told me about your circumstances, I knew that you were the man I had been having dreams about. Did you think that my heart wouldn’t recognize somebody that cared about me that much? Your every move unconsciously revealed your identity. I was waiting for you to say something, content with you wanting to spend more time with me, but nothing ever happened. Even now, I have yet to hear you say those words. And you didn’t introduce me to your friend, you didn’t explain anything. Is it because I’ve changed since the last time you saw me? Is it because of my background? Have you changed your mind about that? I don’t understand any –’ Before Baekhyun had a chance to finish, Chanyeol hid him in his arms, hugging him tightly. They both started sobbing, not even realizing it.

 

It was purifying, to a certain degree. In that moment, they realised that it was them and no one else that kept each other away from the other. Chanyeol wanted to cry, just thinking about how much time they had already lost.

 

‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…’ Chanyeol kept chanting. ‘I love you.’ He whispered. ‘And I am not confident that I can make you love me, but I’ll try, God knows I will try my hardest…’

 

‘You’ve already done more than enough. I’m in love with you and I don’t want to live without you any longer. Can you promise me that?’ Chanyeol nodded. ‘Can you… lay with me tonight?’ asked Baekhyun boldly and Chanyeol could only kiss him desperately.

 

Baekhyun knew that it would take much more for Chanyeol to overcome all of his anxieties – and for Baekhyun as well, if he were to be completely honest, but it was a start. All this time, he kept an empty space for the man of his dreams and maybe, just maybe, the reality would turn out to be better than even the best fantasy.

 

 

 

A/N: Can't really say that this is one of my best works, but I was bored and browsing through some old stuff that I thought I had never finished - turns out that some of them, I actually had. Upvote if you liked? Comment if you want the author to feel better about herself?