STARDUST IN A JAR
"Counting, and will continue to count every day that makes me feel alive."
A story dedicated to You Who is at Loss.

 

She was his first woman — the one who held a place no one could reach for. Her seat was special, a throne of her own that was fixed next to his. Other women wouldn't understand. They'll never know how much she had gone through to keep that throne. She insulted, she dissed, she destroyed several families in order to reach this position in her life. One could call her a monster, but she deserved at least this much for all he had done to her. Unlike most of the sweet fairytales, her marriage wasn't the best of all. They had their moments, their ups and downs. They once loved, they cherished all the moments. And then...

 

"Mrs Kim Sooyeon, please read through the documents and sign it."

 

In the end, it all came down to this.

 

Relationships don't last. Sooyeon knew that more than anyone else. She had her fair share of experience back when she was still young and naive. She knew that this was going to happen sooner or later. She had foreseen that coming. But that didn't stop the pain from raging in her aching heart. How cruel can the man get after hurting her countlessly in the past? Didn't he have the slightest sympathy for her? They were no longer young. She can no longer find a new family to be with when she gave him everything she once had. She had given her all, but everything still resulted in this.

 

Kim Jongin didn't want her anymore. That was all she knew about.

 

"Sign it, Sooyeon," his voice was so cold when he said it.

 

Sooyeon sighed. There was no way out of this anymore, she thought, her eyes dull from the pouring rain that tapped the window by her side.

 

"Is this all you want from me?" she asked, as though she was hoping for more. If he was the least bit selfish, then perhaps, that would make him more of a bad person than he already was. The papers were right before her eyes. These lifeless papers were going to change her life entirely. Everything was going to end when she signs that piece of paper. It was going to end.

 

She picked up the pen and pressed the tip on the paper. In the end, she signed the paper.

 

"Thank you for your cooperation," Jongin's words rang in her ears, just as loud as the tapping rain outside the room. She did not utter a word then. Her pride didn't allow her to let out a single cry.

 

"I wish you all the best," he said to her, as if to give her one last comfort before he departs from this small apartment unit they once shared. He offered his hand, the same warm hand that once took hers down the aisle. She stared, she thought...

 

She took that hand, once again.

 

Farewells never felt as painful as this one. Sooyeon had tasted the bitterness rolling on the tip of her tongue. Bittersweet farewells were lies. Where was the sweetness that she was supposed to feel in this supposedly bittersweet farewell? She faked a chortle and brushed the feeling aside. If bitterness was all she can feel, all she had to do is to add a little dash of sugar to wash it off. She will smile, regardless of the pain she felt inside.

 

"Thank you for everything, Sooyeon," Jongin's whisper was so soft, constantly pulling her heartstrings. Sooyeon's smile wavered slightly. She didn't want to send him off with a broken heart, but it seemed like he was going to make sure she did so.

 

She was going to cry, but she managed to hold it in.

 

"You too, Jongin," Sooyeon said, and bid him goodbye.

 

It was only after she heard the door sound that she finally slump to the ground and wept. That cruel man. How could he do this to her? Of all the people she encountered in her life, Jongin was the only one who stayed. He was always there for her. Always. But what made him turn his back against her? What made him walk away like the rest of them did? She wouldn't know that, he never said a word. Jongin was always a man of action rather than words, after all.

 

Sooyeon's body trembled in the cold. The small apartment suddenly felt so spacious, so wide, she was starting to fear the space in the unit. Her eyes landed on the large portrait that was hung on the wall. It was their wedding portrait that she once loved so dearly. But now, every smile that was pictured on the frame looked as though she was mocking herself. The past her mocking the present. Sooyeon forcefully straightened her knees and walked towards the portrait. She reached, she held...

 

She removed it and threw it on the ground.

 

"," she screamed, stomping her feet as she cursed the world for being unfair.

 

"," she fell back to the ground and whined like a child. She had lost everything after ending the damn piece of paper. Everything she had became a part of the past she once cherished. Every bittersweet moment has lost its taste, only drowning in the dull bitterness that pressured her feelings to the separation. The pain was but a starter to the endless torture that was bound to remind her of the things she had done to succeed to that throne. She was the first, she was the top. She was his only woman. But that other woman came in then.

 

'He cheated on me.' He did not. He fell out of their love. Jongin was never a man who cheats. He fell out of this love to fall for the other. It was her own mistake to assume that love wouldn't change. She couldn't blame that woman, named Jung Soojung, when Soojung did nothing to her. Soojung kept her distance knowing who Jongin belonged to. She was just a newly hired secretary in need of a job. It wasn't her intention to let Jongin fall for her.

 

'It was her fault.' It was not Soojung's fault.

 

'She made him leave me.' She tried to stay away from him, Sooyeon recalled.

 

'She seduced him.' She did not, she never dressed in such a matter.

 

'How would you know?' Because Sooyeon was always watching them.

 

Sooyeon had always been the insecure one in the relationship. As much as she trusted Jongin, as much as she told herself that they will stay together, she was always out there to ruin every possible friendships Jongin will have with other females. She was the one behind all the sudden disappearance of his female acquaintances, she was the one behind their sudden "financial needs". She did all of that, all that just to secure her place in his heart.

 

That throne was far more important than her own dignity as a human being. And for that, she was willing to become a monster.

 

But what had she become? Sooyeon had become someone Jongin could barely recognise. She became arrogant. Her heart was driven cold as stone thanks to the insecurity she felt for Jongin. She should have trusted him more, she should have placed more faith in him. But the devil took over her and destroyed everything that he once loved.

 

"I'm sorry," she could have broke down in front of him, but her pride got in the way. The back she desperately tried to catch up to was no avail. Everything vanished along with his belongings, his scent that once wrapped her entire being.

 

"I'm sorry..." these words suffocated her. She can try to scream on the top of her lungs, but these two words will never come out audible enough for anyone to hear. Sooyeon could only fall on her knees, her hands would tremble as she picks up the large frame again. And her tears would choke again.

 

She can only cry, and hope for the pain to go away.

 

'I'm sorry,' She squeezed the tears out and suppressed a long, loud scream.

 

'I'm sorry,' Sooyeon tried to breathe, but her nostrils were blocked. It will be fine if she forces it out, but pain will remain numb on the back of her head, both physically and mentally. So she allowed it to flow naturally.

 

'I'm sorry.'

 

Just today, Sooyeon will let everything out. Because solemnly, she couldn't care anymore.

 

She lost everything today, anyway.

 

 

 

Counted 200 days...

 

"Oh, yes. I'm doing fine," Sooyeon was gradually getting used to being alone again. Five years was difficult for her, but she managed to do so despite the amount of pain she had to go through for that. Sooyeon never met Jongin again. Her ex-husband has disappeared from her life the moment he signed the divorce paper. She never had the chance to meet Soojung too. The kind-hearted girl followed Jongin's tail and vanished from Sooyeon's sight.

 

Sooyeon's heels made a stop before the light. The crimson colour reminded her of the amount of glasses she chunk down in order to forget. Those days were hell to her, to Nam Sooyeon. But she managed to pull it through and get over the pain. Nam Sooyeon was now free from guilt, or the pain and regret of not being able to hold back her love from slipping out of her hands. Sooyeon was finally free. She thought, as a soft sigh dragged along.

 

'Breathe,' She took in the cold air of the winter afternoon.

 

'Let it be,' She let go of her breath and smiled at the scenery.

 

She took a few days off for a short getaway near the sea in Busan. She was crazy enough to want to go to the sea in winter, but she genuinely wanted to look at the sea. Just the sea, the small peace that she grew fond of.

 

A small piece of memory that she refused to let go.

 

It was the same beach Jongin took her to when he proposed to her. She remembered seeing him digging through the sand where he specifically marked an 'X' onto. He whined, he complained, and he almost regretted it. But in the end, he managed to find the velvet box and got on his knees to propose to her. It was a silly proposal, but Sooyeon accepted it wholeheartedly.

 

'Jongin... How is he now?' she wondered, but never gotten an answer.

 

No, Sooyeon feared the answer. He could be with Soojung. He could be more happy to be with Soojung than he ever was with her. Will he hurt Soojung as much as he hurt her? Sooyeon would wonder, but never wanted to think any further than the surface. She didn't need to be reminded of the times he called her "Soojung" whenever they talk. She didn't need to be reminded of the times he would smile brightly whenever Soojung entered his office with a new file that needs to be signed. She didn't need to be reminded of how different Jung Soojung was compared to her, no.

 

She didn't need to remember Kim Jongin. Not anymore.

 

Everything was just a frail armor shred by the spear of agony.

 

Sooyeon shivered under the cold. Her eyes took in another bright crimson light when her feet finally reached the cold sand. The beach was beautiful as it always was. Sooyeon smiled faintly and walked on the beach.

 

Five years of marriage, and it all started here. She sighed in content and spread her arms wide.

 

Five years was a long journey, but it had came to an end. She should let go of this place as well if she genuinely wanted to start over again. But Sooyeon couldn't push herself out of there. She was stuck in the vortex without assistance to climb out from. She was trapped in the thorns that rooted her still on the ground. Sooyeon couldn't move, that's what she thought.

 

She needed help. But she never bothered to ask for more.

 

What was the point of crying when no one would be there to hear you? Her feelings could have poured, but it will end up going back in again. Her heart isn't a pandora box. She can't just let out the evil and leave it out in the cold. She kept every feeling back in, locked it, and let it out whenever she was alone. Just like now, she allowed a tear to shed as she smiled at the sunset. Her tears were falling, but she'd still try her best to smile.

 

'I need to let go.' She was trying her best to do so.

 

"Omo!" Sooyeon flinched at the sudden outburst and fell on her feet when a large furball lunged at her. She screamed and pushed back the large golden retriever that barked at her. The dog howled and nibbled her sleeves, pulling her towards its direction as it panted at her. Don't get her wrong, the dog was adorable. She was just startled by the sudden impact that made her unable to think more than to shout at the owner instinctively for letting his dog run on the loose like that.

 

"You could have seriously injured someone!" she shouted at the man who rubbed the back of his neck as he smiled sheepishly at her. The man had large bright eyes, with a set of eyebags resting beneath his lower lash line. His hair was blood red. The crimson colour was far more radiant under the scarlet sunset. His lips were a thick pair of luscious beauty curved beneath his tall nose. The man was good-looking overall, that's all Sooyeon could tell.

 

"Sorry," the man said as he quickly attached the leash back on his dog's collar, "I only wanted him to run free," he said to Sooyeon as he smiled.

 

Sooyeon softened at the gentle voice. "Just... Don't do it again," the embarrassment from her sudden outburst crashed in the moment she realised how rude she must have sounded to the poor man. He looked young, he was probably in his twenties. What sort of an adult would she be for yelling at someone who could possibly be five years younger than her? Sooyeon bit her lips and shifted her gaze away. She couldn't look at him in the eye anymore.

 

The man chuckled and nodded his head. "I haven't seen you here before," he started a conversation with an awkward laugh, "don't get me wrong. I walk my dog here, a lot. But I've never seen you here before. I'm just curious, that's all."

 

She got the message and blushed. "I'm a tourist," she said, "you obviously wouldn't see me often," 'but I do come here. I will until I get over this one last memory.' She didn't say it, but her heart shook from the thought. Will she really get over it? That was something even Sooyeon couldn't answer.

 

"I see," the man reached his hand out and smiled at her again, "how about a coffee? My treat. And don't worry, I won't drug you."

 

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh, really?" she chuckled, "why should I trust you? I don't even know your name," she joked, and the man laughed along with it.

 

"Daehyun," the man said, his hair glistened bright red as he nudged his dog to turn around, "my name is Jung Daehyun."

 

Calm, was her heart when she decided to follow the man up the hill towards the small coffee shop next to the beach.

 

"Sooyeon," she smiled at Daehyun, "Kim..." she pursed her lips and frowned at herself. Then, she smiled again.

 

"Nam Sooyeon," she said, despite the small interruption she had with her thought. She almost introduced herself with the wrong name, but Daehyun didn't seem to notice it. It was safe to think that the man genuinely doesn't care about her. Sooyeon sighed and tried to brush off the thought.

 

Did any of that matter? She'll be gone in a day or two. Daehyun wouldn't remember her the next time she's back here, anyway. Sooyeon smiled then. She smiled while she kept everything inside as though she was fine. She didn't need sympathy from a stranger. She just, didn't need it.

 

So quietly, the woman followed Daehyun into the cafe. And quietly, she'll stay for as long as her heart couldn't move.

 

"A macchiato should do good," Daehyun grinned as he approached the counter. But rather than to order from the counter, he entered through the staff door and came out with an apron wrapped around his waist, "good afternoon beautiful. How may I help you today?" He wiggled his eyebrows, and Sooyeon chuckled then.

 

"I heard from a friend that a macchiato would do good for me," she said as she brushed her hair back. She wasn't paying much attention before this, but the man's smile was contagious. It lighted up the smile that she once thought that she had forgotten. Sooyeon took out her hand purse and made a move to make her purchase, but when she was about to give Daehyun her card, he rejected it by pushing the card back to her.

 

"It's on-the-house," Daehyun winked, "only because you're beautiful."

 

Sooyeon laughed. "Don't push it, kid. I'm out of your league," 'even though I'm no longer taken,' she left that out and smiled at Daehyun, "I'm already in my thirties. So give it up, boy. I'm too old to be picked up here."

 

Daehyun raised an eyebrow, "funny, I'm in my thirties too," He smirked as he grabbed a cup, "but I'm never too old to pick up ladies."

 

'Funny,' Sooyeon shook her head and smiled as the man began to make her coffee. His eyes focused on every detail that was extracted out of the beans. Sooyeon watched in silence, her eyes carefully took in every detail on the man's face.

 

Daehyun's jaw was sharp, his jawline was drawn straight up to complete his oval face. His ears were big, crafted gently above each ends of his jawline. His hair looked soft, a gentle touch of scarlet that brightened up his face. His almond eyes draws attention with his bright glint of mischief that outshines the stars. And his lips...

 

This man was utterly beautiful — an epitome of an immortal beauty.

 

"You're really beautiful, you know that?" Sooyeon sighed as she continued to stare at the man.

 

Daehyun looked up with a smile, "or so I've heard," he said and placed the coffee in front of her.

 

Sooyeon shook her head, "you're so beautiful. You put all the women in the world in shame."

 

"Your beauty outshines mine, my lady."

 

Sooyeon laughed. Her eyes curved into cresents as she took the cup of coffee, "thanks, I guess." she muttered and took a sip of the drink he made for her.

 

The macchiato was sweet. Like honey dripping down , the taste washed off the unwanted bitter taste she held for years. The warm, fuzzy feeling circulating her veins were welcoming. So warm, she couldn't help the smile on her face after she finished the contents.

 

"Do you like it?" Daehyun asked as he leaned against the counter.

 

Sooyeon nodded as she placed the cup back on the counter, "thanks for the treat, Daehyun."

 

Gently, she saw a warm tug on the corner of his lips. The sides lifted lightly. And blood accelerated, speeding up her cheeks.

 

"You're welcome."

 

Heat, she felt them rising on her cheeks.

 

Sooyeon averted her attention and quickly, she emptied the content and looked at her empty cup. Her cheeks were flushed red, glowing heat that she didn't want Daehyun to look at. It was embarrassing to fluster for a beautiful person, especially when he wasn't even an acquaintance to you. Daehyun was a beautiful passerby in her life that she was probably going to forget in a few weeks. She wouldn't remember him, he wouldn't remember her.

 

'So stop blushing, Nam Sooyeon.' Sooyeon can't, her cheeks just got redder by the second the moment her eyes landed on Daehyun's smile.

 

His smile was contagious — she said that before, but his smile brightened up her mood despite it just being there. He wasn't doing anything else in particular, but the smile was enough to bring back the light she once thought she lost. Sooyeon didn't know how he did it, but he actually managed to do it.

 

He got her to speak without saying a word.

 

One smile, and she decided to open her voice cord and speak what she had been keeping to herself.

 

Her heart... she presented it to him with opened arms and fallen tears.

 

"The beach was actually the place where my ex-husband proposed to me at," Sooyeon breathed lightly and said, "it wasn't much, but this was an important place for me to be at if... I want to let go."

 

Daehyun was listening by the counter. His hands were pressed on the corner as he nodded his head. His smile fell relatively, she could tell by the dropping angle on the corner of his lips. But nevertheless, Sooyeon continued, "we broke apart. Jongin... He fell out of this relationship. He signed the paper and left right after without giving us the time to talk. He just... Left like that. I was out-of-place for a few months, I was pretty wrecked up too... With all the drinking and sobbing and stuff... But I managed to get myself back on track after awhile. It was nice, but I decided to take a breather and finally let go of everything today..."

 

Sooyeon stopped, clamped shut as she stared out blankly in deep thought, "... I was going to let go of everything today..." She mumbled to herself, again and again.

 

Daehyun shook his head and walked out of the counter. He turned her bar stool to face him and pressed his palm on either side, close to her hips, but he was careful not to touch her. Daehyun leaned close, his lips were still lifted, but her brows were pressing closer to each other.

 

"You still can't," Daehyun exclaimed softly and sighed, "you still couldn't let go even after coming all the way back here."

 

"I... I can't..." Sooyeon muttered softly, her lips shuddered to break into tears as she blinked her eyes and looked away.

 

Daehyun looked down, tongue tapped on his teeth as he pulled back with yet another wide smile.

 

"You need a hug," he concluded proudly and opened his arms wide at her, "and you need a friend. A good friend."

 

Sooyeon stared at him, eyes wide, dumbfounded.

 

Daehyun chuckled, grabbed her hand and pulled her into his arms. Carefully, Daehyun wrapped his arms around her shoulders and patted her back, his other hand pressed the back of her head to his shoulder. Warm, Sooyeon felt as she carefully pressed her palm on his back.

 

"I'll be your friend when you need a shoulder to lean on," Daehyun whispered to her ear, so gently, her tears began to roll.

 

Today, Sooyeon will let everything out again. Because truthfully, she really needed that shoulder to lean on.

 

The shoulder was empty, anyway.

 

 

 

Counted 401 days...

 

She was gradually getting better, way better than she ever was back then. The talk with that barista back in Busan had given her enough strength to carry on with her life better than she could have ever had when she was alone. She never got his number, he didn't allow her to leave any either. "You’ll see me again," he said. She didn't really understood that back then, but now, it was a different story for her to tell.

 

Sooyeon rushed to catch the first bus in sight to the same beach again. She clumsily dragged her small cabin luggage and took it into the bus, panting badly as she bowed to the driver for all the inconvenience caused, "I'm sorry, ahjusshi." She said apologetically and propped herself to the window seat close to the exit. She wanted to be the first to get down from the bus. She wanted to be the first to feel the fresh air in Busan at 5 in the morning. She wanted to be the first to leave.

 

Why was it so hard to let go when she was doing fine months ago?

 

She breathed, she panted, she ran away from the news the moment it came down to her. She was supposed to have gotten over everything. She was supposed to have let everything go. But life has condemned her harder than she could ever ought to receive.

 

Jongin. She saw Jongin again that day.

 

She didn't mean to find him and Soojung standing in the middle of the crowd, smiling and being genuinely happy next to each other. She was just enjoying her time shopping for a new set of clothes to fit in the new wardrobe that she fixed in her new apartment-- she had moved out of the old apartment, thinking that she needed a new start-- She only wanted to have the time of her life alone, but god had forbid her to have the rebound she wished to have after months of denial.

 

Why can't they just leave like how it was supposed to be? Sooyeon wanted to hurt them so badly for calling her as though they were still close, as though none of them had ever had a history with each other before. Soojung was still the same cheerful girl. She looked apologetic, but Sooyeon never blamed her. If for one, she would have chose to blame the man's incompetence for the awkwardness that dimmed the atmosphere between them.

 

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