Get it together, Y/N, it's probably just the Valentine's blues kicking in.

It’s one of the things I hate most about having a birthday in February, right before the 14th. This fact is probably the icing on the cake of this tragedy of a birthday.

I figured that a dinner out with the girls in a classy bar-restaurant on the mezzanine of the nearby mall plaza will be just what I need to unload everything and try to start fresh. Luckily, Sunny, Sooyoung, Yoona, Taeyeon and Hyoyeon had no schedules, and I was able to call them over.

Our little dinner get-together went smoothly, even though they all (shamelessly) ordered steak and a bottle of fine wine. Sooyoung signaled “one round of champagne over here, please” to the waitress while they all huddled around as I narrated all the things that were bothering me. They shared my sentiment about being publicly humiliated in the office, understanding how difficult it can be to project and maintain an image of pleasing everybody then having it crumble by small mistakes, and the frustration becomes even more real when nothing wrong was done on my part. I felt my spirit lift, discussing these things with them. I was about to tackle the last issue on my mind, the feeling of single-blessedness on my birthday-which-is-also-before-Valentine's. Now that the day of hearts is drawing near, I get reminded of her, and regret filled my mind. Oh how I wished I still had her around…

 

Why does it bother me so when it was only a little push-and-pull “some” relationship? It wasn't that serious, but it did feel real. Or at least for the eight months I spent with this certain person.

She was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me. Actually, she was the first existent crush who liked me back, yet it ended abruptly without much explanation. Although the other girls knew who she was, a fellow member who they shipped me with and fully supported, they never really knew what went down between the two of us and the sudden decision to call it quits. And tonight, with perfect timing, she just had to be inevitably brought up.

 

“Yah, neo, Y/N-ah, are you really not going to patch things up with Tiffany?”  Sooyoung bluntly asked, making me nearly choke on my last bite of meat.

Sunny thoughtfully patted my back until the coughing subsided. “Calm down kids, let’s give her a chance to explain.”

 

Taeyeon handed me a glass of water and asked me again calmly, “Y/N, can’t things be the way they were between the two of you? You were both really happy then. Why did you stop seeing each other? You guys really matched, you know? I thought you were meant to be...” Hearing this, Yoona and Hyoyeon cringed and giggled.  That last thing Taeyeon said echoed through my mind and launched about a million thoughts, searching for the right way to answer. “We all thought that you two would go the distance.”

Heol, those words stung. I thought so too...

How do I answer them?

[flashback]

We just lost feelings for each other. Honestly, I wanted to put all the blame on her. When I think about what went wrong, I blame her inconsistency. One day she would get all over me, lovey-dovey and clingy, bombarding me with texts while I’m at work and then getting mad when I don’t reply at once. Then, the next day, she would give me radio silence and no sign of life or of what she’s doing. I would be the one to contact her and she wouldn't even respond. I would be worried for days wondering about where she could be, only to find out from the other members or through her SNS posts that they had back-to-back schedules and that she was having fun with the other SMtown artists, acting only a bit wild with the male idols, perhaps her stint to provoke and make me jealous. It still hurt me a lot deep inside and pissed me off, this trait of hers. I would then try anything and make an effort to get her to talk to me again. I’d send her favorite food over to the dorm she shares with the members, or go see them in person. Other times, I would wait outside their door in the late hours of the night (the longest I waited was about an hour and a half or so), until she comes out, being persuaded by the other girls to go and see me. After fights like this, we’d be okay again. Then the cycle repeats. Though there are different reasons for our fights, some petty and some serious ones, mostly it all boiled down to this characteristic of hers.

Then again, I guess some of it was my fault too. I simply got tired of dealing with it all. I felt pressured to excel at work; a promotion is something I needed, mainly for the pay raise out of necessity. I also felt obliged to try and please Tiffany always, her being both my happy pill and, as it goes with drugs: the more you take, the more dangerous it gets. I should know very well by now how to define what happened, it’s already been three months since we were apart. I guess my fault was that I lacked effort. I put more importance on work than on her, and perhaps her clinginess was her way of reaching out to me, and it didn't bother me as much as it should have, how I ignore her once we're not together. Letting my work-driven mind take control, it naturally let me drift away from her. During the last fight, instead of making up, we silently agreed to end our relationship. Walking all the way home at about two in the morning, all teary-eyed, with make-up all smeared, that was the last I heard from her.

[end of flashback]

I uttered the first words I can get out. “It just…didn’t work out. And I guess it can’t anymore.” Hyoyeon responded this time. “Ey, but this time, you’d want it to, would you? If we tell you that Tiffany wants in again too, would you give it another shot?” The girls all huddled a little closer. I was confined to my thoughts again.

That would be the greatest birthday gift to end all gifts. Does she really want me back? Is this finally my chance?

…

Yes, that’s it. Three months of missing her is enough torture. I really want her back. I guess I really do love her. I’ll do better this time. I'm ready to start again. Gathering my composure, I opened my mouth to say just that, but suddenly their manager, the short guy with glasses, stormed in the restaurant, looking all frantic.

“Ladies, I’m sorry to ruin the dinner like this. The brand just called me, there was an emergency and they were forced to reschedule the photoshoot to tomorrow instead of next week. We have to go now and get some rest. They send their apologies for the inconvenience.”

The girls reluctantly stood up one by one. "Y/N-ah, we’re really sorry to leave you like this, especially tonight” Yoona sulked.  I answered reassuringly, “It’s fine, I wasn’t in that much of a celebratory mood anyway. I’ll head home and go watch some series. If anything, it really means a lot that you all came tonight and heard me out.” Yoona gave me one final hug, and so did Taeyeon. Hyoyeon patted my shoulder and said “Y/N, we’ll continue this talk next time okay?” while Sunny sang “saeng-il chukhahamnida” in her aegyo voice in an attempt to cheer me up. I smiled weakly and waved them off, as their manager was frantically answering calls from the agency. Sooyoung was busy sending texts on her phone so she didn’t hug me goodbye, but she waved back from afar as she rejoined the group. That friend is rarely glued to her phone, you noticed. Whoever she's talking to, it must've been really urgent as to not give a final proper birthday hug. It must be the brand. They better have a sponsored watch as a gift for cutting my birthday dinner short! Ehh, it's a long shot.

After paying the pricey bill (darn, these girls just had to eat expensive meat), I walked out of the restaurant to the mezzanine and enjoyed the chilly breeze. I descended and joined the crowd at the center of the plaza, enjoying the late night food stalls. I noticed that there were mostly couples in the area tonight, feeling a pre-Valentines fever in the air. Walking around alone in this kind of crowd was slightly depressing.

I was wandering mindlessly among the stalls for a few minutes when I decided to sit down on the edge of the fountain at the center of the plaza to clear my head. My mind went back to what Hyoyeon said, about Tiffany wanting to fix things as well. Has she forgiven me already? Will I be the first one to move or will she come to me? Will she really accept me again?

My contemplation was interrupted when I felt a person's hand brush against my right hand which was resting on the fountain for support. I did not mind it that much. Next thing I knew, the same hand took mine, gripping it tightly but tenderly, and as I looked up to confront this very forward stranger, my heart skipped a beat. I could not believe who it was, sitting right next to me, in the middle of the late night romantic plaza, making this night even more special. Who else would I want to be here with more than her?

 

"How are you, Y/N?" Tiffany spoke softly. She was dressed in a simple maroon hoodie and jeans, wearing a black cap and a mask to hide herself from peering eyes and to conceal her bare face. She began to fiddle with my fingers rather nervously. "I've missed you more than I can tell. I hope I'm not too late, but...happy birthday". She greeted with the most gorgeous eyesmile. I felt my heart melting, suddenly being filled with a burning sensation: the same I felt the first time I fell for her. Experiencing that rush all over again is more than what I could have asked for.

"F-Fany? When did you....H..How did you know I was here?" I could feel my cheeks burning as she then started to intertwine her slender fingers with mine.

She chuckled and showed me her phone, displaying her thread with Sooyoung. Turns out she was updating/spamming Tiffany throughout the dinner, urging her to come and surprise me while we were all still eating. I read one that went "PABO, YOU BOTH STILL WANT EACH OTHER SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS WAITING FOR? YOU'LL LOSE HER AGAIN IF YOU'LL BE LIKE THIS".

Ah, so Choi Sooyoung was playing Cupid huh. I guess I owe her a proper thanks with more meat now.

"I was in the recording studio so I didn't read them right away," she explained. "As soon as I got out I rushed here. Too bad I missed the girls," her gaze went from me to the other couples in the plaza. "But at least I got a hold of the most important person tonight" she declares while raising our joined hands, a perfect fit, and settling them on her lap, pulling me closer to her side.

"Fany, don't you guys have a photoshoot tomorrow? You all haven't gotten me a gift yet y'know, I was thinking a sponsored timepiece will be enough," I snickered. She answered, "Shhh, I'd rather not skip this night." She winked at me, her brown eyes sparkling in the starlight, and it made me feel all fuzzy inside despite the chilly breeze. She got up, still holding my hand, and asked "Wanna walk?"

 

Now here I was, finally walking in the plaza with someone linked to my arm, a daydream that finally came true after years of looking in from the outside.

 

So this is what it feels like....it's exhilirating. It's like screaming "HEY WORLD, THIS PERSON ON MY ARM RIGHT NOW, SHE'S MY VALENTINE; SHE'S MINE AND I'M HERS!!"

...

Wait, are things okay between us again?

 

I was so caught up in the moment that I didn't have time to think. I suddenly felt dread. We have to talk about this. This is my chance to fix this lest be rejected again later...

 

"Fany..." She looked back at me with that adorable puppy-like gaze that stopped my heart a second time tonight. "Does this mean we are okay again?" Silence filled the space between us. I continued my speech.

"Having you here like this really makes me miss what we used to have, and I know I screwed up big time, and I thought I can manage without you but I really can't. You are the one bright and special thing in my life that I'd love to keep by my side and I don't want to lose you again. If I get another chance with you, I'll really do better to take care of you. I'm really sorry for what I did...I really...."

She put an index finger on my lips, effectively hushing the rest of my apology away. "Y/N, it's also my fault for treating you like some plaything and toying with your feelings when I feel like it, and I realize that now, how wrong I was to act like that. The girls and I talked about this, so now I know how to be mature in an actual relationship. I truly felt comfortable with you. I'd love it if you'd always be by my side too."

 

After we circled the fountain once, we both stopped in our tracks. She stood facing me this time, and held both of my hands in hers. I took a good long look at her, taking in her simple, no make-up face. Could she be any more beautiful?

Still hand-in-hand I slightly lifted her black cap  to get a better view of her adorable, heart-stopping eyesmile.

"Y/N, I want another shot with this relationship. Can we date, for real this time?"

A smile spread across my face as I felt my cheeks burn. "I feel relieved to hear that, I was about to ask the same thing." When her grasp on my hands loosened, I pulled her in for a tender embrace, my arms wrapping around her waist, and my face snuggling on her shoulder. She had a hint of a sweet strawberry scent on her, and it etched into my memory as I inhaled more of her in. Her arms wrapped around my neck, her free hands going through my hair gently. This hug told me that from now on, like in this moment, someone will be there to catch me, and I know, I just know, it will definitely be her, always.