Kim Junmyeon loved snow. His eyes sparkling in excitement when never he saw snow fell gracefully from the sky. He loved the chilly sensation against his own alabaster skin. He never get enough of it as he would spend all of the day playing in it, poorly aware his own petite body already trembling here and there for the extreme coldness. So, there was no surprise to find out that Junmyeon obviously so in love with winter season, as he himself looked so beautiful in whole white snowy landscape. Junmyeon, by definition of ethereal looking, was a real life snowflake boy….

That the was among the very first thing that Luhan noticed about the younger one during their very first encounter with each other. That childhood memory still been held dearly in his heart.

….. Luhan loved sun and summer but found himself in love with snow too, always awaiting for winter season and…in love with Junmyeon, the snow white as well.

 

 

 

 

Snow, winter, always left Luhan a nostalgic feeling…..

 

 

It was another winter season. But there was something about it that didn’t feel right.….

The snow started to slowly fell down from the sky, as graceful as always, marking the first day of the winter season that year, and everything seemed to be in blur.

“Beautiful right??”

Luhan gazed toward Junmyeon who was standing besides the window. The younger’s eyes still lingered on the sky hovered above them, his eyes could not tear off from the spectacular surrounding even for one bit of seconds. But there was something hidden in his eyes, very deep that Luhan could not figured out what exactly was all about. The snow flake boy…his eyes still sparkling meeting the snow, but it was not his usual shine…the shine seemed a little bit off. ..

“Yes, sure…”Luhan finally replied, after shaking his head in a futile attempt to knock out his own thought process. “But of course you are more beautiful, prince…” Luhan muttered, almost whisper. Indeed Junmyeon was the most beautiful man he ever saw in his entire life, his beauty was incomparable. 

When he was done with his sentence, the other boy already been outside of Exodus Cafe. The doer -eyed man was pretty sure that Junmyeon could not hear him, but nevertheless he smiled, more toward himself when he saw the younger one waved at him excitedly.

“Lu-Ge….come outside, you should play with snow as well…”Junmyeon cheerfully invited him to join his company.

It was not like Junmyeon seeing the snow for the first time in his life, but why he was so excited as if it was his first?

Despite of unsettle thought, before he even knew it, his foot already stepped outside, …and slowly approaching Junmyeon who was spreading out his upper limbs, spinning himself likes he was so immersed with the snow shower.

The snow white danced in the snow…It was supposed to look beautiful, but there was uncomfortable feeling developed inside him seeing theth Junmyeon looked likes he wanted to fly so much, likes he wanted to fly far far away…to somewhere that unreachable in real life…

Junmyeon only stopped spinning himself when he bumped into Luhan.

“Lu-Ge?" Junmyeon let out his whinny voices, not satisfied he had been stopped from what he had done earlier. Luhan smiled, finding it was very cute . “Why did you stop me?” Junmyeon asked softly, a little bit annoyed, his little trembling eyes met his.

That innocent eyes sparked something in him…igniting the feeling of protecting someone who was so dearest to him, and for Luhan, Junmyeon was his everything.

“I’m sorry…” Luhan’s voice muffled by the Junmyeon’s winter coat as he crushed himself into the other, holding him so dearly as if there was no tomorrow for both of them. He inhaled the snowy scent from Junmyeon.  “…but I love you..” Luhan whisper out an innocent confession right into Junmyeon’s ear.

“I love snow, but I love you more…”

Luhan smiled hearing the reply, that very timid and shy confession coming from Junmyeon was very priceless to him. Junmyeon rarely speak out his own feeling. Luhan knew it very well, it took so much from Junmyeon just for this and so, he never get tired hearing this right from his lover.

And then, there was momentary silence of devouring each other presence, as if the times froze by itself

“Promise me that you’ll never leave me…promise me that you’ll never go far away…promise me that you’ll always be my side…”Luhan asked once they disentangled from each other. His eyes looked deep into the younger one, as if he wanted to penetrate right into his heart. But to his dismay, Junmyeon’s eyes refused to meet his, as if he wanted to run away from something. Nevertheless, he still answered him with a sigh…”I’ll promise….”

“Hey..Lu-Ge…Catch me if you can…” Luhan heard Junmyeon’s voice. Before he even realised it, the other already a little bit far away from him.

After using so much energy running in the cold, both of them panting so hard..As if using his very last energy, Luhan tackled Junmyeon down to the ground, both of them landed on the snow, with Junmyeon at the bottom.

Luhan could not help himself but savour the beauty that lied right underneath him. If he were asked to describe about Junmyeon, he would definitely answer snow, Junmyeon was a beauty of snow in human form because he was as white as a snow, and …beautiful but fragile at the same time.

And only during this moment itself that Luhan suddenly realised Junmyeon loss a lot of weight, he felt skinnier than he already was, his bone was poking here and there , even through his thick fabric…Luhan could felt Junmyeon even smaller underneath him…

And, there was no way this smaller creature gave him much strength….but it was more about the feeling itself, feeling of protecting this vulnerable, fragile male gave him strength to protect the other. Luhan realised that he, himself was not that big, but his heart felt even bigger…Junmyeon was a sole reason he became stronger as a person.

 

When a person has someone special to protect, that is when they can truly become strong….

 

….and both of his hands moved freely on their own, his right hand caressing the white pale cheek, while the other intertwined his fingers with Junmyeon’s, pinning him to the ground.

“Lu-Ge…Why do you look at me likes that?” Junmyeon stirred the unshakable silence. His small voice sound vulnerable…His face turned to the other side, a fine pink already tainted his white small face. “…It’s embarrassing…” the bottom one mumbled.

But Luhan decided not to answer to Junmyeon’s question, it was already obvious, he was so so deeply in love with Junmyeon that he felt likes his heart was about to explode, so in love with Junmyeon that his heart was going to burst…so in love with him that it was hurt….

Instead, he replied Junmyeon’s by another question..”Why are you getting skinnier this day, Jun?” His right hand brought back Junmyeon’s face to face him. “….don’t tell me you are on diet because you don’t have too…”Luhan voiced out his suspicion.

“I’m not…” Junmyeon tried to talk, his mouth still moving, but Luhan impatiently cut him off by crushing his own lip. Luhan granted the younger his soft and tender but at the same time passionate kiss, it feel so warm against junmyeon’s cold one , so warm that Luhan could tell that the Junmyeon would melt any time sooner. Behind the shadow of devouring kiss, Luhan smiled with satisfaction, smiled for victory by smaller one submission.

“Lu-Ge, what would happen if I get frozen..What would you do, if something likes that happen?” Junmyeon asked him once they pulled out from each other.

“I’ll never let that happen to you..I’ll never let you freeze…” Luhan replied firmly, without a bit of trembling. His warm grip on the Junmyeon’s chills hand became stronger, dissipating the coldness gradually. “ I'll be your sunshine...You’ll be melt by my charm …” he jokingly added.

“What if I still freeze anyway?”

Luhan was taken aback by the consistency of the question. There was no way Junmyeon could be this serious, but yet he was...“Then my heart will stop beating…I’ll freeze just likes you…”

 

 

 

I’ll never let you freeze, but it just had happened anyway.

 

 

 

It just had happened anyway…and it happened the next morning after his own birthday…..

He woke up from his sleep only to found out the figure that lied next to him already lifeless. The body that dearest to him felt so cold, likes an ice,,unlike snow, bluish hue already tinted on his lips and finger tips. But Luhan still could not bring himself to believe that Junmyeon already gone, it was so sudden…so he placed his right hand on the lifeless chest, only then he fully realised that Junmyeon’s heart already froze forever…

Ignoring the fact that the figure already had became cadaveric, he carelessly planted a small kiss on top of the other’s lip…But to his dismay, unlike the fairy tale story of Snow White, this Snow white didn’t open his eyes…he shut his eyes forever…

Junmyeon had lost in his life and death battle...his life had been snatched away by his devastating illness that Luhan knew nothing about it. Junmyeon had lost to the cruel fate, but yet he never fail to carve wide smile till the end of his life, he was truly a fighter....He died beautifully, likes a fallen snow...He died peacefully, likes a fallen leaf...as if he always wished for beautiful death...as if he always ready to meet his Creator.

And that was the moment Luhan realised his own heart had already frozen literally.

 

The saddest kind of sad is when your tears can’t even drop, and you feel nothing. It’s likes the world has just ended. You don’t cry, you don’t hear, you don’t see. You just stay there. For a second, the heart dies…….

 

It was not his  fault, but yet Luhan had been hard to himself. He could not stop blaming himself for his failure to stop what he had scare the most – losing his soulmate, his lifetime companion forever…..

It was likes, what if he knew earlier...

But the fate by far stronger than him...something that Luhan could not defeat...by what ever mean, the defeat was imminent.....

 

 

 

 

 

Present day

You don’t get to go,

You don’t get to leave me behind

So that you don’t get to break your promise

Please stay with me..

Please….

 

Another winter season without his Snow White. It was already three years passing by since Junmyeon death. The snow was gracefully falling down. Luhan just stood there beside the window, as if he was waiting for someone, although he was fully aware, he would never come back…

“Beautiful right?” the question sounded familiar to his ear, but he knew it was not him. The voice came from their best friend, Kim Jongdae.

“I hate it…” Luhan trailed off…he knew, with Kim Jongdae, he didn’t have to explain everything. Kim Jongdae could see right through him. He never good at explaining anyhow, so he was always grateful that his precious dongsae was always be there for him.

His best friend lightly patted his back, showing his understanding behind the remaining unspoken words. It was too painful to pour out everything….

 

How dreadful is it to know love?

To the point that you hate it….

 

 

Lu- Ge, you know I love you right? You'll always have me in your heart and I'll always have yours....even if I'm far far away from this world..

Remember, I'll watch you from above...I want you to live in, even without me...So, don't stop loving yourself,

and don't stop giving yourself a chance to love others, and don't stop giving other a chance to love you back

because life has so much more to offer to wonderful person likes you....

Lu- Ge, you know why I love you? I love you because you're so warm, likes a sunshine...and please don't stop to radiate warm

You're my soulmate on earth, in the heaven, remember...I love you forever...Till we meet each other again, my Lu-ge....

 

Luhan still remember word by word written in the letter he received from Junmyeon around one month after his deceased. It felt likes Junmyeon straight away whisper into his soul....

 

He was a sunshine who was yet to recover...because he was a sunshine who always helplessly in love with snow....

 

 

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A/n: thank you for spending your time reading this angst ff. I know it took a lot from you guys just to finish of this not so faboulous ff. Feel free to drop any comment bcos I enjoy reading it. Exo saranghaja :-)