Lee Tae Yong was a desperate person. He had felt in love with Jung Yun Ho, a sunbae in his company, since they started getting close to each other four years ago. He had been holding onto the one-sided love that he himself knew would never get to the happy ending. Tae Yong was scared he would chase the one he love away if he confessed his love, that was why he never told anyone about his feelings for Yun Ho.

In the last five years, since Tae Yong joined the company, he had never heard a single rumor about Yun Ho’s love life. At first, Tae Yong only assumed that Yun Ho did not want to get involved in those kinds of romantic scenes to get attention from the media like other idols did. However, after a long period of time being around the older man, Tae Yong became more alert of the situation. Despite not being able to see his sunbae every day, Tae Yong took notice and knew his sunbae always looked unhappy, or even sulky, whenever he saw him sitting alone in the practice room. Thus, Tae Yong became suspicious that his sunbae was thinking about someone he loved but could not have, just like Tae Yong’s feelings whenever he thought of Yun Ho. And then, everything became obvious to Tae Yong as he unintentionally saw a small picture of Kim Jae Joong, ex-member of DBSK eight years ago, inside Yun Ho’s wallet. Even though Tae Yong had never encountered with Jae Joong before, he knew this man was a real talent many people adored.

During the time he was still a traiee and even after he had debuted, Tae Yong had read a lot of comments online and figured out that people often discussed the similarities of his and Kim Jae Joong’s appearance. There were many people hated the comparison because they claimed that Jae Joong was way more talented and better in personalities than Tae Yong was. Those comments from strangers truly hurt Tae Yong’s feelings, and he had a hard time trying to cope with the hatred he received for his past actions. Tae Yong was still trying his best to be a good leader and a better person, but it seemed like he had to work harder to prove he deserved what he had achieved.

When Tae Yong was still a trainee in S.M. Ent in the first days, Yun Ho had come to his practice quite often and simply observed the young hoobae practicing with other trainees. Then, the older man left with his sullen face as if he realized Tae Yong was not the one he was looking for. Back then, Tae Yong was so naive to recognize it. But now, he was more capable of seeing the whole picture on his own after a long time collecting the pieces. Tae Yong now knew the reason why Yun Ho sunbae was always more fond of him than he did with other members of NCT. It was because Tae Yong reminded Yun Ho of Kim Jae Joong. Even if it was true, Tae Yong was still delighted as Yun Ho came to see him.

“Yun Ho sunbae is here again.” Do Young suddenly told the group in a low tone while they were practicing for the dance moves. After hearing the announcement, Tae Yong turned his head to look at the door with eyes full of joy. Yun Ho was now standing near the entrance with the folding arms in front of his firm chest, tired eyes looking directly at Tae Yong and the other NCT’s members. As the song finished, everyone came to greet their sunbae, so did Tae Yong.

“Are you free tonight? Wanna join dinner with me?” All of a sudden, Yun Ho surprised Tae Yong with the question. Even though Yun Ho often invited NCT’s members to dinner, he had never privately asked only Tae Yong to have a dinner out with him like this. Wiping away his curiosity, Tae Yong agreed to eat out with his precious hyung. Before Tae Yong could ask why the older man looked more tired than normal, Yun Ho excused himself and left.

“What’s up?” Johnny asked as he saw Tae Yong’s worried expression.

“Nothing.” The black-haired leader lied, though he knew he could never hide anything from Johnny, his best friend in their group. Despite his humorous and positive attitudes towards everything, Johnny had always been the smartest and most observant person in NCT when it came to reading people’s mind, especially Tae Yong’s.

“Why did Yun Ho sunbae left so early? Normally, he would stick around for a while before leaving.” Do Young looked at the entrance where Yun Ho passed through a minute ago.

“He said he was tired.” Tae Yong made an excuse for Yun Ho, but it was not totally made up. Yun Ho did look tired. “Let’s take a five-minute break and get back to practice.”

After the practice, Tae Yong received a message from Yun Ho, which indicated the address and the exact time they would meet for dinner. Tae Yong told the others to go back to their dorm first, while he tried to make up a reason to go to his meeting place with Yun Ho sunbae. The restaurant for their dinner was one of the most famous Japanese restaurants in Seoul, and the prices were more than average. Everytime NCT had dinner with Yun Ho, they were not worried about the price because Yun Ho only chose the restaurants with reasonable and affordable price for his credit cards and the checks were on him.

“You’re here. Sorry for not picking you up though I am the one to ask you out. I had work at another place which is quite far from our company so,” Yun Ho stood up and put his arm around the younger man to lead him to their table. Tae Yong always enjoyed the touch from the older man, though he knew Yun Ho never meant anything more than friendly gestures. Yun Ho pulled out a chair for his favorite hoobae in the opposite side from his seat.

During the meal, Yun Ho told Tae Yong about about his time before debuting as a piece of DBSK thirteen years ago. As a big fan of Yun Ho, of course Tae Yong fully paid attention to his sunbae’s story and could even narrated the story Yun Ho had just shared without missing too many words.

“You’re quite emotional today, sunbae.” Tae Yong said as Yun Ho stopped telling about himself to sip some saké, a popular Japanese alcoholic drink. Only now that Tae Yong realized his precious hyung had finished two bottles of saké while talking. After hearing what Tae Yong said, the older man’s sullen and drunk eyes looked up at his handsome profile.

“If everyone was still here, today was our thirteenth anniversary since the debut.” Yun Ho’s voice was full of sadness and it made Tae Yong’s heart wrench. Yes, Tae Yong forgot that today was the debut day of legendary DBSK, the idol group he had adored since he was a kid. Tae Yong was too busy these days to pay attention to something else, that was why he forgot such an important day for his beloved sunbae.

“Oh, sorry. I only remember it now.” Tae Yong confessed in embarrassment. How could he say that he was a big fan, yet still forgot DBSK’s debut day. Out of the blue, Tae Yong felt a warm rough hand after years of dancing and holding the microphone touching his left cheek. The hand caressed Tae Yong’s cheek tenderly.

“How can I blame you? Even our fans wouldn’t be able to remember it, let alone someone who is always busy managing a new idol group full of young boys.” Yun Ho lightly patted Tae Yong’s face as if he was playing with his little brother. The older man’s eyes seemed to be caring more than usual and it caused Tae Yong’s face to redden a little. The handsome younger man had to turn to another direction to stop his blush face from getting any redder.

“I still feel bad for nor remembering such an important day to you.” Tae Yong insisted on blaming himself, but Yun Ho did not really care. The older man only silently kept looking at Tae Yong’s face for a long while. As Yun Ho’s hand was still on Tae Yong’s face, plus the romantic themed songs being played in the restaurant, the handsome young man  felt more and more awkward when every one second passed.

“I miss you.” Yun Ho’s words of love caused Tae Yong a minor panic attack. Tae Yong did not get what was happening right now, not know if he misheard the older man’s words, but the sunbae’s words made Tae Yong’s heart run faster than usual. “Recently, I have been imagining being this close to you.”

“Sunbae…” Tae Yong quietly called Yun Ho to remind him that they both were at a public place, and there had been two people looking at them already in curiosity. It was fortunate as no one took out their phone to record or take picture of Tae Yong and Yun Ho.

“Can I kiss you?” Yun Ho continued to bring happiness and surprise to his little hoobae. Tae Yong parted his lips as if he wanted to say something, but his brain was not in a good digestion today. “I have been wanted to kiss you for so long, but I couldn’t find or meet you.”

“Yun Ho sunbae…” Tae Yong called the older man’s name again because he was so afraid of the situation at this time. He had been imagining this scene for years, but he never knew he could make it happen.

“I love you.” And that was it. Yun Ho slightly gave Tae Yong a kiss on the lips. All the younger man did was holding in his breath and accepting what was happening. Tae Yong did not know how to react to this. His heart was more than cheerful, but his mind told him something was not okay. Only as Yun Ho moved away from Tae Yong, the younger man managed to take back his breath in normal rhythm. Tae Yong’s lips were shaking due to the sweetness of the first kiss he had with his loved one, while his eyes were confusingly looking at Yun Ho’s.

“I miss you, Jae Joong.” The loving words Yun Ho just spoke out was like a sharp knife cutting deep into Tae Yong’s fragile heart. If Yun Ho had not called Tae Yong using someone else’ name, he would not have felt this heartbroken. If Yun Ho had not called him Jae Joong, Tae Yong could have pretended to be the happiest person on Earth, only for a moment.

“Sunbae…” Tae Yong quietly called him. The younger man’s pretty eyes became sparkling due to the tears which were about to fall down on his cheek anytime soon. Right before the water began to drip off from Tae Yong’s eyes, Yun Ho abruptly withdrew his hand and looked at the younger man’s face in a few seconds of bewilderment.

“Tae, Tae Yong, I’m sorry. I thought you were…” Yun Ho quickly explained and apologized for his indiscreet act once he had turned his face away from the boy who looked like his ex-lover. Therefore, Yun Ho missed it when tears started falling down on Tae Yong’s cheeks. The older man wiped his lips with the back of his hand as if he was trying to clean up the aftertaste of the intentionally accidental kiss.

“It’s okay, sunbae.” Tae Yong swallowed his pain and smiled slightly. He hurriedly dried his tears to save his own pride before the man he loved. “I think we should go home. You’re kinda drunk so I would drive.”

…

It was two in the morning as Tae Yong came back to the dorm he shared with other members of NCT. He could have been home a long while ago, but he wanted to comfort his mind a little bit after all of the things happened during the dinner with Yun Ho; thus, Tae Yong walked from his sunbae’s house to Han Gang river after driving him home. Because there were not many people there, Tae Yong stayed at the river for a while before getting back.

“Tae Yong, where did you go?” Johnny promptly sat up once Tae Yong stepped into their shared room. The taller boy’s face could not look worrier.

“I walked for a while.” Tae Yong quietly explained and started changing into something more comfortable for his sleep.

“It was freaking cold tonight. Why did you do that?” Finally, Johnny burst out his cry and approached Tae Yong. The taller boy gently touched his friend’s face to check his body temperature. “Holy ! You are freaking cold as ice! We have practice tomorrow and look at what you did to yourself. Last month you had a flu and everyone was worried sick. You’re the leader of our group, Lee Tae Yong! Stop acting so irresponsible!”

Actually, Johnny was always a polite, happy person who rarely got into others’ business. However, whenever something happened to Tae Yong, he became ridiculously serious and harsh. Everyone thought it was because Johnny really cared about Tae Yong, and Tae Yong also realized it.

“Young Ho, don’t speak too loud. Everyone is sleeping at this time.” Tae Yong put his fingers in front of Johnny’s lips to stop him from making any other loud noises. The little touch made Johnny realized how cold those slender fingers were.

“What happened? Is it because of that bastard Jung Yun Ho?” Johnny harshly asked. Due to his anger, Johnny could not control his attitude towards the man he mentioned. It was quite disrespectful to Yun Ho, the one Tae Yong always admired and adored.

“How can you call Yun Ho sunbae like that? He’s nine years older than us.” Tae Yong looked discontent with his friend’s use of words, but Johnny was too worried about Tae Yong to even care about using such honorific language.

“If that person makes you suffer like this, I don’t think I can keep my respect to him anymore. I don’t know why you love him so much while all he thinks of you is a hoobae working in the same company.”

“What are you saying?” Tae Yong looked at his friend with wide eyes. He knew Johnny understood him and he barely hid any secrets from him, but Tae Yong had never told Johnny about his secret feelings for Yun Ho. How could Johnny possibly knew about it?

“Stop hiding it from me, Tae Yong. I know you love Yun Ho and struggle to keep your feelings inside. I will stop playing dump and pretending like I don’t know a . Earlier tonight, you could only dare to tell me Jung Yun Ho asked you out for dinner because you didn’t want the others to feel unhappy as you were the only one got invited. When I heard that, I sensed something strange right away. Yun Ho has never asked you to join dinner with him privately.” Johnny let out a long sigh and looked into his best friend’s sorrowful eyes. “Did he do something that made you sad like this?”

“Young Ho.” Tae Yong wearily looked up at his friend, but he did not say anything.

“You have been holding in for too long. If you want to, you can talk to me. I’ve already known how you think about Yun Ho.” Johnny tried to convince his stubborn friend. He knew, Tae Yong was the type to keep his thoughts because he never wanted to affect the others’ feelings with his own concerns. Johnny did not care though, he wanted to be there for Tae Yong whenever he needed someone to talk to.

Tae Yong was silent. He stood still in a few minutes and then covered his face in Johnny’s shoulder. The sobs began to fill the room. The sounds Johnny heard from Tae Yong only made him hate Jung Yun Ho more and more. There was a time Tae Yong’s feelings for Yun Ho were simply adoration, and he always looked so cheerful. But since his feelings had developed into something more only because of the fake caring from Yun Ho, Tae Yong had lost his joyful attitude and became someone to play the role of Kim Jae Joong’s doppelganger. Johnny was not stupid. He noticed the way Yun Ho looked at Tae Yong and knew Yun Ho was not looking at his handsome friend, he was looking at Kim Jae Joong.