come along, it is the break of day.
surely now, you'll have some things to say.
it's not the time for telling tales on me.

 

Hansol rolled onto his side, stretching out his stiff limbs. His eyes snapped open as he realised the blankets beside him were cold. His pulse raced. 

"Jesus Christ, Taeyang." The brunette was sitting cross-legged on the edge of their bed, hood pulled up, staring back at him. "You scared me."

"Sorry." Taeyang's voice was small, tight. He had been crying again. "I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep."

Hansol glanced at the alarm clock on his bedside table. 5:30. He patted the space next to him, inviting Taeyang to lie back down. 

The elder crawled over, burying himself under the sheets, curling into Hansol's warmth, head tucked under the blonde's chin so he couldn't see the teary sheen that coated his face. 

"Do you want to talk?"

Taeyang shook his head against Hansol's chest, causing the younger to sigh. Taeyang never wanted to talk. 

"Tae..." Hansol's voice was stern. He knew Taeyang hated talking about how he was feeling, but he had to. He had to let Hansol know what was going on in his head. It was the only way he could help. "You have to stop shutting me out."

He felt Taeyang flinch in his arms at the austere tone, instantly regretting the way he had spoken to the elder. 

"Tae..."

"Let's not fight. I'm tired, can't we just sleep tonight?" Taeyang hated arguing with Hansol, he knew how nasty he could get and the last thing he wanted was for the blonde to feel as ty as he did. 

Hansol held the grey bundle close, pressing a soft kiss to his hooded head, breathing out a 'sure, baby' against the worn material. 

"I'm sorry." Taeyang's voice was barely above a whisper as he spoke into Hansol's shirt. "I wish you'd just leave."

Hansol's heart lurched. "I've told you, I'm not gonna leave you, Taeyang."

The brunette s his arms around Hansol's waist, sniffling into his neck. "I've completely ruined you. You need to just let me go."

Hansol could never do that. He worried what Taeyang would do to himself if he were left alone. But he couldn't deny that his own happiness had been hindered over the past couple of years. 

They argued, a lot. Taeyang would go days without speaking to him. Weeks without leaving the house. He could stay awake or refuse to leave their bed for days on end. It was a struggle, but he loved Taeyang far too much to let him cope with this on his own. 

"What if I went first?"

Every muscle in Hansol's body tensed up. He knew Taeyang could feel his reaction. 

"Don't joke about things like that."

"I'm serious. It would be better for both of us." He knew Taeyang was crying again. He didn't have to see the elder's face to know that. 

He pulled the small boy in even closer, feeling the wetness of Taeyang's tears on his neck as sobs wracked through the brunette's body. He wished he could make Taeyang see how much he was worth, how much he would be missed, how many people loved him. But he knew none of that would get through to the elder. They had been down this path enough times. Bringing Taeyang back from the brink was easier said than done. 

"I love you, Taeyang. I know it's selfish, but I don't want to be without you. Please, just stay. I can make this better, I know I can. It's gonna be fine." He cursed his voice for wavering. He had to be the strong one. Taeyang was too fragile to cope with how much this upset Hansol. The brunette already saw himself as a burden, anything else might tip him over the edge. 

"I love you too, Hansol." Taeyang's sobs started to subside as he nuzzled back into Hansol's chest, fingers creeping under the blonde's shirt to trace small patterns onto the soft skin of his hip. 

Hansol allowed a small smile to break into his lips, silently thanking God that Taeyang had calmed down. He hated seeing his boyfriend like that. 

He pulled Taeyang's grey hood off his head, pressing a gentle kiss to the elder's messy hair. 

"Try and sleep, precious."

so come along, it wont be long
'til we return happy.

He watched the elder lose himself in the fresh air of the countryside, inhaling deeply, eyes fluttering shut, fingers skimming through the waist high maidengrass. 

He smiled softly to himself, catching up to Taeyang, intertwining his fingers with the brunette's. 

Taeyang beamed back at him, dimple digging deep into his right cheek. His heart clenched. He couldn't remember the last time he saw Taeyang smile that brightly. Or at all, for that matter. 

"There's a stream down here, come on." Hansol giggled as Taeyang pulled him through the field, the two of them almost tripping over rocks and rabbit holes hidden by the long grass as they raced towards the water. 

Taeyang jumped down onto the riverbank, holding his hand out for Hansol to join him. The blonde hesitated, it was about a 60cm drop, and to say Hansol was scared of heights would be an understatement. Even this made him anxious. What if he broke his ankle or something?

Taeyang's eyes met his, bright and hopeful. He whined. He took a deep breath. He closed his eyes. He jumped. 

A pair of arms wrapped around his waist, catching him. A pair of lips grazed his own, making them quirk up into a catlike smile. He leaned into it, allowing Taeyang to catch his plush bottom lip with his own thinner ones, arms snaking around the elder's shoulders. 

Taeyang pulled away first, three words on the tip of his tongue that didn't need to be said aloud. The brunette turned to face the stream, eyes sparkling, mirroring the reflection of the sun on the rippling water. 

Taeyang sat by the edge of the water, stretching out as he took in the scents of being outdoors. He couldn't remember the last time he left their stagnant appartment. 

He lay back against the ground, sighing contentedly as the soft grass tickled the back of his neck. 

Hansol joined him, lying on his side so he could take in the view of the brunette. 

Taeyang looked himself. Glowy skin, warm, chocolate eyes, a slight smile playing on his lips, dimple indented in his cheek. It was a stark contrast to the gaunt face and dark circles he had become accustomed to over the past few months. 

shut your eyes, there are no lies
in this world we call sleep.

"Do you think we can sleep here tonight? Like, is it legal?" 

Hansol laughed softly. He knew Taeyang loved to sleep. He knew the elder loved that he didn't have to think or feel. He could be at peace, and that the majority of the time his dreams were somewhere nice that he could escape to. Somewhere bright and airy, anywhere but the apartment he couldn't bring himself to leave. 

"I don't see why not, shut your eyes." Hansol brushed his fingers over Taeyang's eyelids, urging the elder to close them as he shifted to lie on his back. 

Taeyang hummed, curling into Hansol, resting his head on the blonde's chest. He missed this; feeling happy. 

let's desert this day of hurt,
tomorrow we'll be free. 

"Taeyang, you aren't going to leave me, right?"

Taeyang's fingers tightened around the soft material of Hansol's t-shirt. 

let's not fight. i'm tired, can't we just sleep tonight?

He knew exactly what the blonde was getting at, and it usually ended in an argument. The last thing he wanted as an argument. He was too tired to argue. 

He didn't want to have this conversation here. He didn't want to have it at all. He knew Hansol was terrified of losing him and he hated that he couldn't promise the younger that he would always be around. 

"I...I'll try not to." He spoke into the younger's chest, his own heart rate increasing. He felt like a liar.  

don't turn away, it's just there's nothing left here to say. 

He felt the blonde's chest rise sharply underneath him. He knew exactly what he was doing to the younger. But Hansol was all he had left. He had tried to make him go so many times, save him from getting caught up in Taeyang's . But Hansol refused to budge. He wouldn't leave Taeyang's side. 

"I love you, Hansol, no matter what, I'll always love you. Promise me, you'll never forget that." 

He felt drops soak through his shirt, wrapping around the shaking form in his arms. Tears stung his own eyes, but he willed them away. 

"I love you too, Taeyang, no matter what."

turn around, i know we're lost but soon we'll be found. 

Hansol rolled onto his side, stretching out his stiff limbs. His eyes snapped open as he realised the blankets beside him were cold. 

Taeyang wasn't there this time. He was alone. 

well it's been rough but we'll be just fine. 

"Taeyang?"

work it out, yeah, we'll survive,

His pulse raced as he realised the elder boy's jacket and shoes were gone. 

you mustn't let a few bad times dictate. 

He stepped out of their room, calling for the elder. He wasn't in the apartment at all. 

He rang Taeyang's phone, frowning as his call was rejected. Why wasn't he answering?

so come along, it wont be long
'til we return happy. 
shut your eyes, there are no lies
in this world we call sleep. 
let's desert this day of hurt
tomorrow we'll be free. 

He tried again, sighing as Taeyang's phone cut off a second time. He sent the elder a text, telling him to stop playing games and pick up his phone. 

He hated when Taeyang did this. 

let's not fight. i'm tired, can't we just sleep tonight?

He made his way to the kitchen, figuring he may as well have breakfast since he was up. He wouldn't be able to go back to sleep until he knew where Taeyang was anyway. 

He checked his phone every few seconds, praying for Taeyang to reply. A melancholy smile graced his lips as he stared at the picture of the two of them on his lockscreen. They looked genuinely happy. Hansol couldn't remember the last time either of them had felt like that. 

don't turn away, it's just there's nothing left here to say

He spotted a folded up piece of paper on the coffee table in the centre of their kitchen, a lump forming in his throat. He took a deep breath, reaching for the note.

Please, God, no.

'I love you, Hansol, no matter what, I'll always love you. Promise me, you'll never forget that. - Taeyang ♡'

He quirked an eyebrow. Taeyang never left him cute notes like that. What was going on?

Had he left? Taeyang couldn't go. He couldn't leave like this. He couldn't leave Hansol on his own. 

He ran back to their bedroom, throwing open the wardrobe doors. All of his clothes were still there.

There was a loud knock at the door. 

He breathed a sigh of relief. Taeyang never remembered his keys. He was going to kick off at the brunette for making him worry like that. 

"Kim Hansol?"

turn around, i know we're lost but soon we'll be found

He froze. A tall man dressed in black and white stood on their doorstep. Was that Taeyang's phone? Who was this man, and why did he have Taeyang's phone? 

He blinked a few times, trying to refocus his eyes through the tears. Bile began to rise up in his throat as he made out the badge the man was holding up in front of him. 

"I am very sorry to inform you..."

No. 

He zoned out. The officers lips were moving but no sound was reaching his ears. 

This wasn't happening. 

Taeyang wouldn't do this. He wouldn't do this to Hansol. He wouldn't do this to himself. 

"No matter what, I'll always love you." 

The words rang in his head as he fell against the doorframe. Taeyang couldn't be gone. He shut his eyes tight, tears streaming down his face. This was just a dream, a nightmare, surely.  

They were fine, they were getting back to being happy. Taeyang was smiling. He...

He was saying goodbye. He knew Taeyang didn't like to talk, that was his way of saying goodbye. 

"What if I went first?"

He did this for Hansol. He did this so Hansol could be free. No more staying up til 6am holding him until he stopped crying, no more explosive arguments, no more days of silence. Taeyang thought he was making things better. 

Hansol broke down, crying into the sleeves of a sweater that just so happened to be Taeyang's. 

He always knew Taeyang loved him, despite everything. But not this much. 

i know we're lost but soon we'll be found