La douleur exquise (n.)

The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have.

She met him again, after almost a year had passed, after almost a year she avoided him. It was days ago, when both of them had the same schedule in the same show. He look fine, he look happy, he even smiled softly at her when their eyes accidentally met. A smile that look awfully unfamiliar for her. And she hate it with all her heart. Because god knows how his simple smile broke a part of her.

Kim Yerim cried in one of the toilet stall after their short encounter on the stage that time, she cried her heart out and she made her bandmates worried when she came back to the waiting room with swollen eyes. “Just an eye irritation,” Yerim excused, a forced smile curved on her lips. But they hesitated.

Let’s throwback a little, shall we?

After their break up on Jungkook’s birthday, Yerim gotten herself in a breakdown that herself didn’t even realized after she come back from Hawaii. She cried then second after she laughed, she was loud then second after she was quite. She’s emotionally unstable and the managers seems to close their eyes over her condition, because honestly, they couldn’t help much. Concerned by the youngest condition, Seulgi forced Yerim to hang-out with her one time but they ended in a traffic accident, because Yerim suddenly cried loudly inside the cab and making the poor old driver lose his focus. Seulgi was fine, she suffered a small cuts here and there, but she healed fast. But poor Yerim, she bruised almost half of her face. Forcing her to take a rest from her idol life for awhile.

The hiatus she took seems to helped her a lot, she starting to be her old-self, she starting to laugh again, she starting to hang-out with her gang again (Saeron and Suhyun, of course) and importantly, she starting to let him go (half-heartedly). She even got herself a new hairstyle, long black hair with fringe that covered her forehead. Seungwan never stop teasing her for her new bangs afterward and she kind of regretted it. But aside from that, she’s happy.

Yerim was ninety-percent healed, in her bandmates relief.

Yet now here she is, curled into a ball on her bed, sobbing not-so quitely while clutching her pink-coloured blanket as she face her back to Sooyoung and Seungwan, who are now staring at her. Seulgi and Joohyun are nowhere to be seen since both of them had individual schedule.

“Jimin told me Jungkook caused this,” Sooyoung said in a hushed voice, a sigh escaped her lips. Seungwan arched one of her brows, “What did he do? And why does Jimin told you, tho?”

“He smiled at her, that’s what he said. And that’s none of your business, unnie.”

Seungwan blinked, once then twice before muttered ‘brat’ under her breath and says, “Just smiled? Not hug or kiss or something? Yet she’s suddenly like this?”

“You don't understand, unnie, she deeply in-love with him, even until now. A simple gesture from him could hurt her like a deep cut,” Sooyoung shook her head. Seungwan scoffed lightly, “I’m going to get her something to eat, she didn’t eat anything since morning.”

With that, she turn away and walk down the stairs, leaving Sooyoung and the crying Yerim alone.

Sooyoung drift her stare from the second-oldest back to Yerim, the latter still sobbing like a little kid under the blanket. She took a deep breath before taking steps toward her youngest bandmate, “Hey, Yerim? Squirtle? Are you okay?” Sooyoung placed herself to sit on the edge of the bed, she Yerim’s arm in a soft movement.

There’s a beat of silence before suddenly a hoarse voice replied, “I don’t know am i okay or not...”

“And why do you feel so?”

“Does it matter for you to know,” Yerim turned her body around to reciprocate the stare of her unnie and sniffed, her swollen eyes are now visible to Sooyoing and god how she hate it to see her closest bestfriend look so vulnerable. Sooyoung pursed her lips into a thin line, “Did it hurt?”

“Yes, it hurt so much, gosh,” She let out a broken sob, “I hate myself for being this weak, unnie.”

“Don’t hate yourself, because that’s what makes you a human.”

Yerim didn’t speak a word afterward, she throw herself to Sooyoung, starting to cry again, but this time she clutches on Sooyoung’s clothes as the older girl hug her tightly. Sooyoung ran her fingers through her tangled hair as she pressed her cheek on the side of Yerim’s head.

“It’s not your fault to fall in love, it can’t be helped, but you fall to a wrong person in a wrong timing, kid. That’s why you always getting hurt.”

“Your birthday is in a week, are you excited, Yerimie? Because i am!”

Seungwan always been the one who genuinely excited for her members birthday, she would bake lots of sweet or cook a home-made korean dishes that she learned. And she planned for Yerim’s birthday, she would make something that the youngest girl really love, a dozen of sweet red bean bread, perhaps?

But the latter seems to be less-excited than her unnie, “I’m getting old like Joohyun-unnie,” Yerim pouted, receiving a glare from Joohyun who was once focused on the television.

“Being old is nice! You could drink alcohol and crying without a reason!” Joohyun defended ridiculously, earning a rolling eyes from Sooyoung and a why-did-you-said-that kind of stare from Seungwan. Seulgi is currently sleeping on the floor, if you’re curious.

“I don’t think you need to be an old person to cry without a reason,” Yerim huffed, a crooked smile visible on her face, “I mean, look at me.”

“If you’re old like Joohyun-unnie, you could cry over a fabric softener, you know. Atleast you are normal for crying over an opposite .” Sooyoung chirped while sipping her bottled juice, second after, a slap landed on her arm from Joohyun and Yerim giggled. 

“Unbelievable.” She muttered as she drift her gaze to her phone that suddenly lighten up on the coffee table, one missed call notification. Her brow arched, who could it be?

Not so long after, a message popped on her phone screen. Not only one but two, with a name that make her eyes widen.

Jungkook

Can we meet? I have something to say. Meet me at our usual spot.

Jungkook

it, i can’t lie, i miss you so ing much. Just come, please, Rim.

“What is it, Yerim?” Sooyoung asked, trying to steal a peek on Yerim’s phone when she saw her flustered face, but the latter suddenly rose to her feet. And without missing a beat, Yerim run like her life depending to it, grabbing her wallet and jacket then dissappeared behind the closed door.

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