***

She’s not a drama queen,

She doesn’t want to feel this way; only seventeen, but tired…

***

The first time happens innocently enough.

“Why are you doing this?” she boldly breaks the awkward silence, watching the flurry of sharp, purposeful movements as she sits in one corner of the room in a trancelike helplessness.

“Unnie?”

She releases a heavy sigh and chews on her lower lip in frustration. This isn’t right, Jiyeon furiously tells herself, as she watches everything unravel right before her eyes. She wills her body to do something – anything – other than stare.

“There’s nothing for me here.”

“Nothing for you here?” Jiyeon incredulously parrots. A frown makes its way to her face and her voice raises to a few notes higher than what she initially intended it to be. “We’ve been working hard for this chance to debut ever since day one, unnie. You have everything you want right here.”

Jiwon just scoffs off her scandalous tone – theirs, after all, is a society where seniority imperatively demands respect – and continues to put away her things inside that small, beaten up luggage of hers like there’s no tomorrow (maybe because there is no tomorrow).

She ignores the prompt dismissal and closes the distance between them instead, somehow hoping that the action would be enough to hold on to the older girl. Jiyeon tiredly plops down on the edge of the bed, right beside that dreary-looking duffle bag, and begins to mindlessly tug on its strap. “Look, if this is because of what that man said, then – ”

"You’re still so young, Jiyeon-ah.” Her hand pauses midway to her suitcase, a wan smile tugging the corner of her lips. “So young and so naïve.”

“Why are you throwing everything you’ve worked so hard for like this? What about your future?!”

‘What about my future?’, is what she almost adds, but Jiyeon figures that this isn’t the right time to be selfish, so she bites down and swallows those bitter words before it spills from .

“I’m not throwing away anything here, Jiyeon-ah,” Jiae softly declares, the mattress dipping lightly as she settles on a seat right beside her. “Because there is no future for me to throw away here.”

I’m tired of chasing rainbows,” the older girl whispers to the air, her shoulders seemingly sagging lower with each breath she takes, eyes dropping lower each blinks her eyes make, and for the first time Jiyeon notices just how tired her unnie was.

“The group needs you, unnie.” Jiyeon doesn’t want to sound so clingy, but in the end, she’s just a little child, still so lost and so desperate for someone to hold on to. “We need you.”

“No, they don’t. No one needs me. Not you, not the group, not the fans.” Jiwon lets out a self-deprecating chuckle. “No one will ever do.”

“Unnie…”

“You’re still so young, Jiyeon-ah,” she repeats herself, and Jiyeon swears that she has never felt so much resentment over the simple word as much as she feels right now. “And for you it’s okay to chase, to wish, to dream.”

But you can’t hold on to that rainbow of yours forever.” The older girl reaches out to tuck away a loose strand of hair from her face, her fingers lightly brushing the liquid pearls making its way down Jiyeon’s hooded eyes in the process. Jiyeon doesn’t really understand, and she wants to understand, but the only thing that registers on her mind is the fact that she’s leaving her.

“When that time comes, you’re going to wake up and realize that no one gives a damn about you. No one ever did, except maybe yourself.”

The entire room falls into a stifling silence, punctuated only by the sound of quiet sniffling. By now her dark lashes were thick with unbidden tears, but Jiyeon doesn’t make a move to wipe it away.

In turn, Jiwon doesn’t say another word.

Once again Jiyeon finds that she can’t do anything other than watch as the other girl walks out of the door, bag hanging resolutely on those tired shoulders. She wonders miserably how everything ended up the way that it did.

All she ever wanted to do was put her broken friend together.

“We’re still going to see each other, right?”

The older girl stops right as she crosses the threshold. She holds the door halfway open, letting the light spill into the darkened room.

“Maybe.”

Jiyeon strains to hear her soft voice before the door finally closes with a resounding click, leaving her in the darkness once more. She gathers a fistful of fabric in between her fingers as she chokes out a ragged sob. In the end, she only ends up breaking herself.

“Maybe not.”

She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.

 

***

 

The second time it happens, Jiyeon thinks that she has no one to blame but herself.

“I saw you yesterday.” He catches her off-guard outside one of the network studios one chilly night.

“What?” Her muscles instinctively tense and her hands curl into fists, but as soon as she turns around she finds herself staring at a very familiar face. Jiyeon narrows her eyes at the sight but her whole body visibly relaxes anyway. 

“Oh.”

He chuckles lightly at her reaction but doesn’t say anything about it. “Great performance. I could hardly take my eyes off it.”

“Of course.” She rolls her eyes at the unexpected compliment. “Eunjung-unnie’s outfit and Hyomin-unnie’s little stunt were especially made for that.”

“Well yeah, but what I meant was that you were especially great.” He flashes his infamous dimples and Jiyeon finds herself blinded (and speechless) for a moment.

“What brings you out here, anyway?” Jiyeon allows her head to swell a little and her heart to race for a second before she brushes off the comment, returning the favor with a (blinding) smile of her own. “You’re not stalking me, are you?”

“Yah, I could say the same thing to you.” Seungho teases back with a wink. Jiyeon blinks back and then smacks him in the arm, mentally cursing for almost betraying herself once again.

“Filming another drama?”

“Filming another variety?”

“Yeah.” Her head bobs in the way that his did just a few seconds earlier. “I wanted to take a short walk before the break’s over and filming resumes.”

“Same here.” The smile on his face is slowly replaced with a disapproving frown when Jiyeon starts rocking on her heels back and forth.

“You look cold.”

“That’s because I am,” she deadpans. “Didn’t you hear the news? They say we’re not out of winter yet.”

“I did, that’s why I’m wearing this.” He points to his very thick (and very warm-looking) overcoat and clucks his tongue at her flimsy one. “So what’s your excuse then?”

“Uh, my codi-unnie hates me?” she offers with careless shrug.

“Here, take this.”

“No, that’s okay. You don’t really need to – ” Seungho doesn’t give her time to finish her sentence. He quickly slips out of the heavy garment and secures it over her delicate frame.

“Just take it. I don’t want you falling sick again like the last time.” Seungho declares with a lightly chastising tone, tugging here and there to make sure that it covers her properly. “You really should take better care of yourself, you know.”

Jiyeon takes a deep, steadying breath before she finally gives in, accepting the gesture with a shy smile and a meek nod because it smells of rainbows and of promises, and that, more than anything else, warms her. He beams proudly and offers his hand.

“So, how about that walk?”

For the next ten minutes reality blurs into the background as they pretend to walk along the banks of the Han River (and not a studio parking lot), lined by beautiful cherry blossoms (instead of bulky, heavily-tinted vans) under the sparkling, sapphire sky (some of the streetlights need changing, it seems). The journey comes to a full circle as their ten minutes dwindle down to one, and they end up stopping right where they started seemingly seconds ago.

“I-uh, I need to go.” Seungho scratches his head apologetically when they finally come to a full stop.

“Me too,” she confesses with a wry smile. Jiyeon starts to take off the coat but he grabs hold of her hand to stop her. His hand lingers on hers and it surprises her, but she makes no move to it pull away.

"I’ll talk to you later, okay?” he offers her giddily, eyes twinkling with much hope.

“Didn’t you say that the last time?” she teases him.

“I’m not kidding, I promise!” Seungho too eagerly asserts as he slowly starts to back up, a goofy smile plastered on his face. “I’ll call you after I finish my work. You better not be sleeping when I do, alright?”

“Okay.”

She giggles softly and gives smile and a small wave, but as soon as his figure vanishes from sight her grin disappears with it. Jiyeon brings her hand for a closer look. She daintily inspects the souvenir Seungho had pressed on her palm earlier. The crystal accessory glitters enticingly under the bright (lamp) light and it makes her (forlornly) sigh.

She spends a few seconds to stare at it, and without another word she shoves it deep inside her pocket before trudging back to where she originally was.

When she goes home a few hours later, she thoughtlessly buries the warm jacket (the scent is already gone now) with the rest of the garments hanging in their living room and then deposits the little trinket together with the other useless treasures inside that small, inconspicuous box sitting at the corner of her closet.

Already forgotten, just as she rightly thinks it should be.

She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments.

It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

 

***

 

The third time it happens, Jiyeon tries to see if it can happen literally as well. “

What are you doing here?” she rasps in between ragged breaths.

The looming shadow curiously peers over her a second longer before it moves out of the way. Jiyeon squints at the sudden assault of light the action brings and she raises a tired hand to block it.

“Is that the right way to greet your friend, Jiyeonnie?” The girl shakes her head at the abrupt greeting, but nevertheless she drops down right beside her.

“Not really,” she readily admits. Jiyeon closes her eyes and pauses as she tries to catch her breath. And even though they are close friends, she honestly wishes that nobody would have to see her like this because she’s disheveled and all sweaty (probably stinky), lying unceremoniously on the cold, wooden floor. But unfortunately for her, she just doesn’t have the energy to make herself presentable anymore. “But I thought you wouldn’t mind if I drop the pleasantries altogether because, you know, it’s you.”

“I’ll take that as a good thing,” Jieun flatly acknowledges her words. Jiyeon is still sure that the girl is beaming inside, though. “Eunjung-unnie tells me you’ve been here since early this morning, practicing. I thought you weren’t due for another promotion cycle until late this year?”

“That’s right. Did you come all the way here just to ask me that?”

“No. I came all the way here to tell you to take a shower. You stink like a pig.”

“Tch.”

“Seriously, Jiyeon-ah.” Soft, warm fingers starts brushing away the sweaty tendrils of hair sticking on her face, and Jiyeon shivers lightly from the unexpected contact. “Why are here killing yourself with practice if that’s the case?”

“Because I have to.”

“Why?”

Jiyeon considers unleashing a smartass retort because she doesn’t think Jieun really understands her own question, but in the end she lays out a proper answer, anyway.

“Look, I don’t have a great voice like you, Sunyoung, or Soyeon-unnie. I can’t dance as perfectly as Eunjung-unnie or Hyomin-unnie. I’m not even as cute or as pretty as Qri-unnie and Boram-unnie.” Her words maintain an indifferent tone but deep inside Jiyeon feels otherwise.

“If I don’t practice harder than the rest of my members, then I’m really just bringing the whole group down.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself, Jiyeonnie.” She doesn’t see it, but Jiyeon feels the reproachful look her friend is throwing her way. “No one is as perfect as you think.”

Of course Jieun wouldn’t understand, Jiyeon silently muses. She doesn’t know how it feels like to be regularly criticized for having non-existent singing skills. She doesn’t know how it feels like to be repeatedly ridiculed for her one-note acting. She’s doesn’t know how it feels like to be constantly bashed for being too ‘plastic’ or too ugly.

No, she doesn’t know any of it, so of course Jieun wouldn’t understand.

Inadvertently, Jiyeon let slips the thought that has been long since brewing at the back of her head.

“But you are,” she mumbles almost incoherently, because unlike ‘Jiyeon’, ‘IU’ is made of pure talent, seasoned with a pinch of natural beauty, a sprinkle of undeniable cuteness, a dash of satisfying sugar, a hint of thrilling spice, and –

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Jieun’s incredulous snort pulls her out of her reverie. Reluctantly, she forces one eye open and sees her close friend almost falling over in laughter. “If there’s anyone here who is as close as to being perfect, it’s definitely you! You work hard and you never give up. You care about others more than you care about yourself. You’re a beautiful person inside and out.” Her eyes shine like diamonds as she shoots rainbows at her, and Jiyeon badly wants to believe Jieun because no one can possibly smile and look at someone like that and not mean what they say. “Maybe you just don’t see it. But I do.”

Jiyeon smiles gratefully at her friend and offers nothing else when Jieun starts to tenderly rub away the doubt and insecurities from her worn-out body.

“Wait, I almost forgot why I came here in the first place,” she states after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

“You mean you didn’t come here to give me a massage?”

“Do I look like a slave to you?” Jieun ignores her little pout and taps her playfully on one arm. “Sunyoung called a while ago. She’s asking if the three of us could hang out later. It’s been a while since we did that, right?”

Jiyeon hesitates and this time Jieun chidingly hits her arm for real. “Yah, a few hours of rest won’t hurt you!”

“But – ”

“Just say yes, Jiyeonnie. Please?”

“Fine. Give me an hour, at least,” she half-heartedly concedes. “I don’t think Sunyoung would appreciate it if I come along looking like this.”

“You better be ready when I come back or I’m going to drag you out of here, whether you like it or not,” Jieun grumbles, and on her way out Jiyeon catches the sound of her dulcet voice floating softly in the air. “Really, I’ve seen you do the routine a couple of times already. I don’t think you can be any more perfect than that.”

Her body burns with exhaustion as she remains motionless on the floor, but against her better judgment and everything she holds sacred in her life, Jiyeon pulls herself together and makes a beeline for the nearest restroom. The cold water stings bitterly as it makes contact with her flushed skin, and she braces herself with one deep breath before gazing deep into the mirror.

She looks and looks for that reality which Jieun sees in her.

Deep, dark circles under too narrow-looking eyes.

Puffy, asymmetrical face. Coarse and lifeless hair.

Perfect, is it?

She shatters into hundreds of jagged, little pieces.

The water stains an unmistakable shade of crimson and her hand throbs mercilessly in an angry cadence, but the only thing Jiyeon notices is the kaleidoscope version of her broken and damaged self, staring straight back at her.

It’s just as she thought.

‘Perfect’, Jieun says?

Jiyeon smiles (bitterly) despite herself.

She’s perfect only in her imperfections.

 

***

 

The next time it happens (she doesn’t bother counting after reaching ten), Jiyeon feels she’s already too numb to care.

She tells herself she’s numb.

And she tells herself it doesn’t matter.

But she also tells herself a lot of other things which she knows are far from being true.

“Jiyeon-ah, open this door.”

Because she’s still an emotional human, and not a mindless robot, Jiyeon decides it’s better to get rid of the pain rather than to sit in one corner and lie to herself all day long instead.

“This isn’t funny anymore. Just open the door, please.”

‘Not yet’, she stubbornly thinks, bringing her knees closer to her chest while she ignores the ruckus that was being raised on the other side of door. She won’t stop until she stops feeling this away.

“I said open this door, damn it!”

The words become more frantic, and the door rattles desperately in its hinges, but Jiyeon doesn’t move an inch from her position.

She hears the sound of hushed voices and soft jingle of keys being fumbled. It only takes a matter of seconds before the door finally bursts open and three, warm bodies spill urgently inside the room.

“What do you think you’re doing?!”

Almost immediately, the water stops freezing her already numbing skin and a thick robe is thrown over her shivering body. “Are you out of – ” Hyomin screams some more but Soyeon’s firm hand on her shoulder cuts her off. Qri, ever the calm one, stays silent, and instead wraps the warm garment over her frame tighter. She ushers Jiyeon and the rest out of bathroom and directs them inside their shared bedroom.

“This… this is not the right way to deal with this,” Qri whispers as she dries her off with another towel. Jiyeon doesn’t stir from her tender words because she’s numb enough to ignore the whole world (but not enough to ignore the sound of herself continuously breaking).

“Boram-unnie is already talking with the management,” Soyeon carefully states from the other side of the room while she rummages around for a new set of dry clothing. “They told us to keep away from the internet while they sort this out, but Eunjung and Hwayoung have secretly started camping out on various sites trying to refute the rumors.”

“Whoever did this is beyond cruel. How can they ruin a child’s life like this?” Hyomin paces back and forth like a madwoman, eyes shining with unshed tears. “We have to do something.”

Jiyeon finds her voice and it makes the older girl stop dead in her tracks.

“Why?”

“What do you mean ‘why’? People are being vicious without knowing the truth. We need to tell them it’s not you!”

“So what if it is?”

It’s cruel and uncalled for, but she finds a erse sense of amusement in seeing their stunned faces.

“So what if it isn’t?”

It takes her a second to add, challenging everyone with a defiant stare. “Why should I bother telling anyone that?”

The whole room falls silent.

“It doesn’t really matter, does it? People already made their decision on who and what to believe, regardless of what I say or what I do. Doing anything else isn’t going to change that fact because whether we like it or not, that is only truth. So why bother?”

It cuts real and it cuts deep, so much so that Hyomin can only storm out of the room in teary frustration while Soyeon shakes her head in utter disappointment. Just like before Qri doesn’t say anything and continues toweling her dry (though with an unconcealed sigh), and Jiyeon thinks she’s her favorite person at that moment.

“What happened to you, Jiyeon-ah?” Soyeon softly questions after a while. She’s leaning against the cluttered drawer with sad glint in her eyes and she’s looking at her like she’s looking at a stranger. “When did you become so… jaded?”

“I’m not jaded, unnie,” Jiyeon unflinchingly maintains through hardened eyes.

“I’m just telling you the truth.”

She's just the way she is, but no one’s told her that's okay.

 

***

 

These days, she’s just tired.

Too tired to fake a smile, too tired to pretend to care.

She’s been too sad, too tired, and too lonely for a while now, and Jiyeon genuinely believes she’s been broken enough times to know that she can’t ever put herself back together again.

It’s a mess, and it’s such a spectacular mess (that she’s been helplessly caught in the middle), but she thinks it wouldn’t have come to this if she only knew.

Rainbows come only after the storm.

And sometimes, it doesn’t even come at all.

Her gaze falls fifty feet below her, down to the unmindful world she exists in, and wonders somewhat resentfully if she’s really this irrelevant that nobody can even bother telling her the truth.

If I break myself right now and nobody hears it, does that mean I don’t exist?

Then Jiyeon remembers that she’s already (repeatedly) broken and it kinda blows her theory away (because you can’t break something if it’s already been broken in the first place). It’s actually sad and not really funny but it makes her laugh just the same. Still, she’s curious, so she inches closer to the edge, anyway.

Should I try it?

“What are you still doing here?” The question comes out of nowhere. For a moment, Jiyeon actually forgets her precarious location and jumps back in surprise, eyes wide. “Yah! You’re standing near the edge of a five-storey building. Be careful there, will you?!” Eunjung scrambles over and wildly gestures for her to come closer. “Really, this girl. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?!”

“Unnie…”

“Practice ended a while ago, didn’t it?” A small sigh escapes her lips when Jiyeon doesn’t move and stays rooted to her spot. “The girls told me you didn’t come back with them earlier, so I thought I’d come here after we finished filming the drama and bring you back myself.”

“How did you know I was here?”

“The rooftop has been your favorite place for a few weeks now. Of course I know I’ll find you here.” With a few, measured strides the older girl closes their distance, and the next thing Jiyeon knows, Eunjung is right beside her, looking down the same spot where she has been peering over. Eunjung doesn’t even blink at the dizzying sight, but her face scrunches up when her gaze lands back on her.

“But really, you shouldn’t come here so often. You’ve been getting sick a lot lately, and staying out here in the cold weather isn’t going to do you any good.”

“I’m tired, unnie.” Jiyeon gently pulls back when Eunjung tries to tug her away. She sounds just like child, but it doesn’t matter because she is just a child, and it’s really been a while since she let herself be one.

“I know.” Eunjung pats her head sympathetically and looks at her with such perceptive eyes, and it makes Jiyeon wonder if the older girl truly does understand her. “You want me to carry you on my back?”

“Aren’t you tired as well?”

“I am. That’s why we,” Eunjung nods solicitously and waves a finger between them, “need to come home. Everyone is waiting for us.”

“Home?” It’s not a new word and it’s not a foreign concept, but something about the way it sounds make her feel warm all over.

“Yeah, home.” She affectionately cups Jiyeon’s face with her hands and then pinches her nose as she repeats the word. The smile she gives is reassuring. “Hyominnie said she’ll cook up a nice, warm dinner for everyone, and Boram-unnie actually sneaked in a cake when manager-oppa wasn’t looking. Soyeon-unnie went out with Hwayoungie to rent a couple of movies, but they’ll be back before dinner time.”

Eunjung laces her hand with hers, and Jiyeon can’t help but notice how the spaces in between their fingers seem to fit perfectly with each other’s. Jiyeon tightens her hold and tilts her head to rest lightly on Eunjung’s shoulder. It makes Eunjung smile even more.

“If you’re really tired, we’ll even ask Qri-unnie to give you a massage later. Or you could just bully Jieunnie for one since she said she’ll be dropping by as well…”

Jiyeon listens to the older girl go on and on and on as she slowly leads her on their way back home.

She finally breaks into her first real smile in a while.

She’s still tired, still sad, still lonely and still broken, and it’s not a promise of rainbows or butterflies or any of that sort, but she thinks it’s a start.

She would change everything for happy ever after.

Caught in the in-between, she’s a beautiful disaster.

***

But she just needs someone to take her home...

***

 

A/N: Comments please? I'm trying to continue my 'Withered Memories' fic, but I think about picking up another multi-chapter fic that I've abandoned before. It's for a different fandom, but I'm thinking about tweaking it to make it a Myungsoo/Jiyeon story. :D