Chapter I - Honest Feelings

♦ - Moon Bin - ♦

"Moon Bin, are you joking right now? How many times have I told you to stop straining your voice? Use your head voice for this note," our vocal trainer, Lee Joomin, scolded me again.

My throat was beginning to clog up and the strained sound that instantly comes out from my mouth simply by uttering a word (any word) only built the course of the lingering tension to float above air. He has been teaching me several vocal techniques for over an hour, and I all I wanted to do was choke up in embarrassment because of how long I've been failing to hit the correct notes; plus, the need to faint was increasingly high from the overloaded exhaustion - strangle me now.

The notes were too high. Even when I recorded the song, the song producers had to continuously edit and cut out my parts because I couldn't sing a whole ten second line perfectly.

I was running out of energy.

Sweat was sliding down my chin as I tried to gently massage my sore throat. We started from the top where I let out a short cry when my voice cracked again and an enormous pain came traveling and pounding its way from my chest all the way to my trachea. How much longer do I have to do this?

"Moon Bin, are you okay?" I looked over my shoulder to see Eunwoo with a worried look. My one-on-one session has finally ended with an annoyed expression from our vocal trainer before he walked out of the practice room in disatisfaction.

Cha Eunwoo is my best friend. He's a year older but my birthday is close enough to consider myself as a late 1997 liner. Out of all the members, he is the most I am closest to because One: we room together, Two: our small difference in age made it able for me to talk to him about personal things only I can tell him, and Three: he is always there for me. The incredible friend who would help to ease all my troubles away.

He was offering me a bottle of water which I gratefully took. "Y-yeah. I'll be-" I cleared my inflamed throat, "fine for tomorrow." He shot me a kind smile that I returned.

He looks the best while smiling. I thought cheekily.

~

"What was that, Moon Bin?" Well, time to get f!cked. "That was not what we practiced yesterday. You totally blew that high note on a live performance of all things! Everyone else can go straight home, but you, you are going to the studio to practice! Until you send me a video of you hitting those notes perfectly, you are not allowed to leave the room and rest. Do you understand?"

I hid my clenched fists inside the pockets of my sweater before nodding in response.

Eunwoo spared me a glance with a sad look. He looked hesitant to leave me by myself, so I grabbed his hand in assurance and told him, "It's okay. Go rest up."

One by one, the members hopped into the van, leaving me to ride in a different vehicle. Once the car was no longer in sight, I could feel my lips tremble at the thought of being alone on such a cold night.

However, it didn't even take a minute when I felt my phone vibrate from my jeans pocket and when I went to check the new notified message, I couldn't help the grin that immediately appeared across my face at seeing the screen light up the name: "Cha Eunwoo."

Binnie-ah, stay strong :)

As I arrived at the studio, I immediately got to work by turning on the wireless microphone and cranking up the volume of the sound system. I opened my mouth to sing. I sang and sang- well, more like, screamed and screamed.

I used to enjoy singing so much. It was my passion. Yet, singing now only made my feel insecure. Why did it have to be like this?

My voice cracked for the twelfth time in just those three hours of practice alone when I finally slid down on the floor in defeat. The camera was still recording, but that fact was forgotten as I felt my eyes water and blur. It's been awhile since I cried nor felt so down. I sobbed alone in that empty and lonely room. I'm hopeless!

~

I came home at around 5 o'clock in the morning (practicing for five hours straight). In the end, I still couldn't hit the notes and after sending twenty videos which were all rejected, Coach got tired of my failures and eventually let me go. I quietly entered my shared room with Eunwoo, and as expected, everyone (including him) had already fallen asleep. I could not blame any of them since our schedules have been packed recently, especially, Face Genius Cha Eunwoo. I collapsed on the upper bunk, and if it weren't for the already dried and spilled tears from earlier, I would probably still be crying. But no more tears could fall. Only sleepiness and fatigue came over me as I finally got my deserved rest.

"Welcome back, Binnie," a soft mutter came from the bottom bunk and surprisingly, I slept with a grin on my face despite the rough day.

♦ - Rocky - ♦

'Is it just me or has Minhyuk been reusing his choreography lately?'

'Yeah, didn't he do that move in Weekly Idol?'

'Actually, he did it at ASC first.'

'Lol he should let the other members or professional dancers do their choreographies now. His style is getting old.'

'Hope XForce's Joonhyung takes back charge for Astro's comeback.'

I scrolled down the screen and frowned at the posted comments under one of my new dance videos. I couldn't blame them for thinking that way. Recently, it has gotten harder to create new dance steps. The pressure...the high expectations...It's all about showing the public something new and satisfying them. Along the way, it just stopped being about what I wanted. What I enjoyed.

"Rocky, why are you still awake?" a voice suddenly called out.

I instantly shot up from the living room couch then looked away from my laptop to see a wet-haired Jinjin leaning against the wall of a small entrance hallway. He had just gotten out of the bathroom, being that he was the last member to shower, and had a towel draped around his shoulders.

"Just checking our sns with Arohas," I simply lied.

He gave me a short not before walking over to sit on a bean bag placed on the other side of the room. I had been sleeping in the living room for nearly three weeks now due to the hot weather and I refused to bother the other members with my constant fidgeting from the top bunk. 

"By the way," Jinjin started to mumble, "Joonhyung came to me earlier and asked if you have the time to choreograph our new song. He said he's free but if you wanted to take charge then-"

"I'll think about it." I cut him off as I hurriedly closed my laptop screen, placed it on top of the centre table before lying on my side with my back facing our leader.

Silence envelopped the room at the unexpected rigid atmosphere.

Eventually though, Jinjin interrupted by saying, "If something's bothering you, you know you can tell me, right?"

I didn't move nor respond. I didn't want to talk about it. It was a habit. Keeping everything to myself because I didn't want to burden others by my problems.

"Minhyuk-ah, look at me." A hand gently touched my back that made my chest tighten and cheeks to redden.

I hesitated at first. Rolled over to face him where I saw the most sad look this 1996 liner hyung could muster at the moment. "I," I my dry lips before continuing, "I think I hit a block."

Jinjin brought his hand to my head next and ruffled it with affection. "What kind of block?" he asked.

"Dance block." I frowned. "I don't know what else to show to the fans and everyone else."

He hummed with the consitent pace of his hair-petting. "That is a block. But if you were thinking about giving up the chance to choreograph our new dance to Joonhyung, then I'm telling you right now to not do it. I know how much you love dancing and how talented you are. You'll do fine. I believe in you. Always."

I finally smiled for the first time ever since this recent dilemma of mine began. His kind advice always made me feel better.

I was not a man of words and no matter how much I wanted to express my gratitude then, I was tongue-