I arrive at home ten minutes before midnight. Ten minutes before 27^th February. Ten minutes before my birthday. Usually I would be propped up in a table with cakes and presents with either friends, family or my team mates. This year on the other hand, I am alone.

I seat myself against the wall and turn on the TV. Its been almost 6 months since I started to live alone. It was a mutual agreement to leave our old dorms and to live separately. The first one to leave the dorm was L.joe, Cap followed after him with Chunji and then Niel. Only me and Changjo was left alone in the dorm and one day without warning he packed up and left. I was the only one left so the company gave me a notice to move out by the end of the month and I did.

Now I live in an average one room apartment, a bit far from my other teammate’s homes. Others lived in apartments much closer to the company building but since that part of Gangnam was quite expensive I chose to live a bit further away. Its nice and peaceful here, I have an old lady who lives downstairs who makes me eat lunch with her every day and I do if I don’t have any schedules. She would chat up about her love life and tell me to get married, I would politely decline and she would pat my back saying its okay, true love is hard sometimes.

I get up from the floor and walked towards the fridge. After taking three bottles of soju and a shot glass I head towards the kitchen table and sat down. The TV was still on and I start hearing ‘Day’ playing in the background.. Its been an year and we still haven’t gotten a comeback yet.

“I wish sometimes I could be like L.joe and be able to express my opinions when I feel suffocated..” I smile to myself. “Heh..That will never happen..” I start pouring my first shot and took it down in one gulp. “I’m just a dog on a leash loyal to its owner..I will never be free till I die”

I take another shot. “I cant be like Cap, write millions of songs at once.. I cant be like Chunji or Niel having godamn amazing voices. Oh yeah, the reason why we lost Immortal Songs must be because of me..”

I take another three shots. “Who am I kidding? Ofcourse its because of me. The other three were killing it while I.. I fcking ruined it didn’t I?” My hands started to shake but I still poured the glass even if the liquid spilled everywhere.

“I ruin everything..” Ever since Changjo started having his separate schedules, I always wondered if I am going to have mine. I wondered if I can be as great as others and represent teen top on my own. If I can shine as bright on my own. “Its been 7 years..” I murmur. I looked at my phone and it was 12:20 am.

The television started to play even more sad songs and I started to laugh. “Isn’t this perfect? The setting is perfect to cry after a break up.. If I only ever dated..”

I shouldn’t have gone to the company when I was that young. I shouldn’t have slaved away my youth just to get fame and fortune. I should have just stayed behind and enjoyed life before starting a stressful career. I didn’t though. I ended up like this. Alone and drinking soju on my birthday because I cant at life.

I have been drinking shot after shot for five minutes until I saw that my third bottle was empty. My head started to spin and tears started to fall. Everything started to get blurry and then my front door slammed open.

“Ricky-ya. Happy Birthday to-..” He was carrying a cake in his left hand. He looked around the house and saw me with three empty bottles of alchohol.“Have you been drinking again?” He started to walk towards the kitchen.

More tears started to fall from my face. “A fck up like me needs to drink, Changjo. It keeps me sane.”

“Ricky. You aren’t a fck up.”

“You only say that .. to be nice. Be honest with me. I cant shine like.. like y’all do.” I take a soju bottle and point it at him. “L.joe aint the black hole.. I AM!”I throw the soju bottle in the air. Changjo drops the cake to catch the bottle. The cake slams into the ground and icing splattered everywhere.

“Huh.. look at that cake Changjo.” I point at the now smashed cake on the floor. I take my hand and start break the cake apart. “Now.. That.. is the perfect representation of how I feel right now..”

“Hurt..” I finally say before everything turned black.