{And, Can You Smile?}

If there really was a time in Hoya’s life that he would never be able to forget, now would have to be it. All those years of treating her well and it had come down to this. He knew it from the moment she had told him, but he had let it drag on for so long. He couldn’t anymore. Any longer and there would be no more time.

“Let’s break up.”

There. He said it.

Because he loved her unconditionally, he had finally said it.

“Hoya…”

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing; she refused to. The girl on the other side of the apartment door was cringing now, waiting to hear the usual “just kidding” follow up her boyfriend would use, just to get her angry. She wanted to hear that he was only lying to her because it was something she did earlier, and now he was pulling a prank on her, just to get back at her.

But he added nothing.

Instead, his lifeless orbs bore into her, unsure of why she had been so surprised. They had both seen this coming, he was sure of it; their relationship wasn’t going to simply work from here onwards. It was only for the best, he thought, and convinced himself that if she were in his shoes she would too have done the same.

“I’m sorry.”

I want to hold you, hold you
But having you by my side
You've lost your smile

As he turned to take a step out into the light falling of rain, thin arms s along his solid waist line from behind.

“Don’t go,” the voice whispered, words unfurling with desperateness. “I love you.”

Lies,he told himself.

With his strength, he could pull away easily, but for some reason he didn’t. He stayed in his position tightly locked within her embrace even after he said he wasn’t going to allow it to happen. Maybe it was just so she could hold onto him for a little longer. For the last time. He really didn’t know. But when he felt the surge of warmth that spread through him at her touch, it became certain to him how much he wanted to spend more time with her. This whole time he thought leaving her life would be easy, just like how it had been entering it.

He was miserably wrong, and that had cost him.

All he wished for then and there was for the world to stop spinning, for time to stop, so he didn’t have to do what he had set out to do. He didn’t want to bear the consequences later on, especially when he knew it would hurt her more than it would hurt him.

He felt her grip tighten with each passing second.

We came across a farewell when we loved
The most, when we were the happiest
I couldn't hold you back because you were
Overflowing to me, because I was sorry

But even though he was having all these thoughts, no reason could surpass the ultimate one that he had been holding onto. Remembering it, he forced himself to stop and return to reality. Hoya knew better than to let her persuade him again. Don’t forget, Lee Howon, this is all because you love her. The quicker this was over and done with, the less painful. He truly believed it every time when she had told him she loved him, but if it meant ruining her dream, then he couldn’t do it. He had to let go, otherwise she would never suggest doing it first.

It was now or never.

“Yoo Kyung, please…”

I said to go, I said I'm okay
Seems like I can give nothing
But this to you at the end

Reluctant as he was, he removed her arms, breaking free from the back-hug as a deadly silence and more rain engulfed the space between the two of them. His body was still warm from the impact, but deep down inside it was cold and empty. He retreated with his back to her immediately after that, knowing that if he had turned around one more time, he might not have been able to pull it off again. He might have wanted to go back and hugged her. To pretend he never said anything and stayed.

But he knew he couldn’t let that happen. Ensuring he made it far enough to escape the muffling sounds of her quiet sobbing, his retreating figure continued into the distant landing, removing itself from the sight of the lover it was longing to return to, until eventually it faded into the dark of the night, never to be found again.

And never once had he regretted it.

To him, love wasn’t holding on; it was letting go.

--

The beats continued to rebound off the unresponsive walls of the dance studio as the stereo blasted into a second round of the chosen playlist. He danced incredibly already, but the sharpness and completeness with each move made the sight even more sensational. It was as though a woe-stricken story was buried behind each move.

Another second.

Another heartbeat.

The only pitiful thing about the whole scenario was that there was no one there to watch and enjoy it.

Eventually dropping to the floor at the intensity of the heat travelling through his body, he waited as the last song track came to a stop. The timber floorboards cooled his palms and ankles, which were coated in a fresh layer of sweat, as he sat there. For the last three and a half hours, all he remembered doing was hitting it off in front of the mirror with the new set of choreography.

Slightly satisfied, he laid flat onto his back at once. He was as motionless as a person in deep slumber save the heaving of his chest. Listening quietly to his heart beat as he let the silence take over, he tried to condense the contents of his mind. Too much blood was rushing to it. And worse, as much as he tried to prevent it, it was mounting with the thoughts of her again.

I remember that feeling from
A long ago when I looked at you
I remember that time
When I knew you, you knew me

An alarm clock went off on a wristwatch somewhere, and the shadowy figure in the dance studio woke from his reverie. He checked the time to realise it was still early for him to catch the train home. Shooting up into the light with just a flex of his leg muscles, the mirror in front of him revealed the white v-neck that clung onto his torso and his perfectly built arms. Rubbing his eyes at the familiar phase of nausea left behind from the memory–the same one he had been having ever since the night they’d left each other–he searched the space under the wall railings for his belongings. When he found them, he tucked them into his embrace, and made his way to the shower room.

Hoya quickened his footsteps as he moved along the dark corridors of the gymnasium, hoping to brush off the voice recurring in his head. He sighed at the thought of it always being the same memory that bugged him. The same words, the same horrid sensation. It gave him the goosebumps. He wished it would just leave him alone, yet at the same time, he was grateful he still had some recollection left of her.

Had it really been two years? Because despite the number of days that have passed, it always just felt like yesterday to him.

After the incidence, they lost touch and she hadn’t seen him since. But he had always been there watching over her. His existence moved on from her, and she probably moved on from him too–but his heart didn’t. He didn’t want to admit it himself, but he was missing her like crazy. Yet even so, he never let himself forget one thing.

A moment he spent in pain was a moment she spent closer to happiness.

I think about those desperate times
When I wanted to be like you
Hang out with you
But it's merely a memory that's passed by

Hoya visited the gym often. As a regular, he danced at their studio. It was the only way he could get his mind off everything. Off her. Standing in an empty aisle now, Hoya swung open his locker. He pulled out an outfit to change into, and despite the sweat from all the dancing, he pulled on a blazer. He made sure not to forget his scarf and earmuffs either, just in case the winds outside were a little stronger that night.

He hated the cold.

Bending over in the light shades of the moonlight, he tied his shoe laces. While he was at it, he also reached below the locker to grab for his key before returning to his standing position. Kicking his Vaans a few times into the ground to make sure they fit onto his feet properly, he picked up his sports bag, locked his locker door and set off.

--

The gentle breeze wafted the night into the small hours, bringing out its coldest and deadliest wrath against those who dared to walk in its accompaniment. A snowflake floated onto the tip of his nose without caution, and he sneezed. The streetlamps lit a path for him in a ghastly solitude, but Hoya didn’t mind. This was how he lived for the past two years, anyway. Cold, alone, empty. In saying so however, he could still never quite shake off Yoo Kyung’s presence in the back of his head, her warmth. He didn’t want to.

Stars and the night are coming,
They're only covered by other stars
The moon always stays there
I'll always be here for you, want you

Stopping in front of a vending machine on the way to the subway, Hoya took his hand out of his pocket with a coin wrapped around his index and middle finger. He placed it into the slot and pressed the numbers, quickly sticking his hand back into the pocket before the cold could get to it. He waited impatiently, and when the can of hot cocoa rolled down, he almost didn’t reach out to get it. It wasn’t because he was afraid of it being cold; it was because he was afraid of missing the fact that she wasn’t there next to him anymore.

--

“What’s wrong?” Hoya stepped into the hallway of the university campus, earphones still in his ears which were peeking from the sides of his hairstyle though there was no music playing.

She kicked the vending machine again with her heels, but only concentrated to catch her balance when she had realised the boy who had stepped in on her act. She blushed upon realising her unfeminine actions. “I think my coin got, uhh, stuck.”

Advancing closer, and being the sweet, caring fellow he was, he decided to take a look at it for her. “Here, let me help you,” and with that, he dropped his bag to her feet and kicked the machine. He kicked it just hard enough to joggle the coin, yet soft enough not to leave a dent. The girl seemed oddly amused.

Nothing happened for a few seconds, but when they heard a ‘clink’ and the machine choked out a can of hot cocoa, he smiled. He took it from the holding tray and handed it to her.

“Yours.”

But she shook her head, gesturing for him to take it himself. “It’s cold outside, so you have it.”

“But–”

“Take it as my thanks for your help.”

I remember a long time ago
When I received your heart
I think of those times when you
Were overflowing to me and I as thankful

His complexion from a long, hard morning seemed to brighten at her words. And in the midst of the moment, he concluded that nothing could ever give him the same warmth that she could.  “… Thanks.”

She tilted her head in a sweet attempt to say ‘you’re welcome’. “By the way, I’m Yoo Kyung. You?” She stuck her right hand out, levelling it a little higher than what she found comfortable just to match his height. Hoya noticed the non-proportionate angle between her arm and her legs, and found it cute.

“Lee Howon, but Hoya would do.”

She remembered his name.

“Dance and Performing Arts department?” she asked.

“Yeah! How did you know?”

She pointed to the self-introductory badge on his uniform. Hoya looked at hers and realised that she was also from the same department. He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, trying to hide his embarrassment of not having realised earlier. He remembered standing like that for a really long time, and the world around them seemed to halt. Even his breathing.

She was first to break the silence. “Guess we would be seeing each other around, then.”

And they did.

--

He reached the last step. Lowering his head below a banner as he stepped out onto the subway platform, Hoya saw a stationary train. It wasn’t his train though, so he took his time walking. There was no one around, and the carriages rattled in a haunting vibration as the train sped out the other side of the tunnel when no one boarded. Hoya didn’t realise it had been so cold and so late already.

As the train disappeared, Hoya’s eyes fixed upon something that kept him from feeling so alone during his wait. Closing in on the crisp brick wall that was behind the train earlier as he waited for the next train to come, the tip of his feet just behind the yellow line bordering the edge of the platform, Hoya’s eyes trailed onto the figure plastered onto the huge billboard poster. Anyone passing by would not have found anything interesting about it–they would all be able to figure that the girl on the billboard was modelling for the shoot, and then pass it like any other.

The only exception was that Hoya recognised her immediately.

It was Yoo Kyung.

--

A model. Hoya remembered Yoo Kyung telling him that that had been her dream. Even if it had meant to invest consecutive years of training, that was what her goal was. What she wanted to be and pursue after she graduated. She stuck to it like superglue, and allowed no one to hold her down whilst in flight. Including her boyfriend.

“Oppa, guess what!?”

Hoya gulped down the first bite of his breakfast, waiting for her to continue as his eyes found their way to the letter in her hand.

“They accepted me!” Hoya froze at the words he wanted to hear and, if selfish, didn’t want to hear all these years.

The star lit up the sky
The moon shone,
And you went
Steadily down your path
But I was suffocating from
Those frequent words of yours

“Are you listening?”

He shrugged the thought off and decided to congratulate her first. “Mmm? Ah, chukaha–” But she crashed into his arms before he could finish, a warm, wet patch forming on his shoulders. He couldn't say anything else with her like this right now. He patted her back. Hoya only continued to question her when she had settled down.

“So… where’s the venue?”

“In New York.” She beamed, unaware of the fact that Hoya had really wanted to cry too. Though for different reasons.

“So… you’re going?”

“Of course!”

Silence.

She frowned when she realised where the conversation was headed. “Oh… Aren’t you coming with me?”

I can’t. I won’t.He couldn’t say anything like that to disappoint her, although he knew it was his answer, so he replied with an “I’ll see”, and never was the topic brought up again.

--

His arm extended independently and found its way into the cavity of air separating him from her flawless self on the poster, a doleful look on his face. He then brought up his other hand, and with the one that was already in the air, connected the thumb and index fingertips together in a frame-like motion as he swept it vertically across the area just beneath her cheekbones, and then down in line with her lips. Hoya never really forgot the way her eyes twinkled when they looked at him, the way her hair curled in a welcoming fragrance at their ends when he it…

Then, his arms stopped in mid-air.

Suddenly remembering that the Yoo Kyung in the poster wasn’t ever coming back, Hoya withdrew from his childish attempt to capture her beauty. He laughed at himself under his breath for being so foolish, for almost being tricked by the reality he was facing. Why was he still holding onto her like this? No regrets, he thought. Hoya knew that if he didn’t let her go two years ago, she wouldn’t have left on the plane that night to New York to pursue her dream. He knew her too well, and if she had too, then she would understand why he had done what he did.

And he was glad he made the decision he did, though it pained him.

He warmed up at the thought that she had finally achieved the dream she had set out for. Was she smiling now? Was she, finally, happy? Because she looked it on the poster.

In fact, on the poster, she looked amazing.

It was no longer in his place to hope that she had still loved him as much as he did, but as long as she was doing well, everything was worth it. When he had told her that he loved her, he meant it with every fibre of his being.

And, can you smile?
You want this, you hope for this
I can't seem to have you
With only my heart

But all the same, Hoya wished so hard for her to be with him right now. That it was her bodily form he was seeing in front of him, and not the model on the billboard. He wanted to say he was sorry for being so selfish, for not being able to leave on the plane with her that day, but she was too far to hear it. He wanted her to be there to heal his pain, but she wouldn’t be able to do that either. Ever. She didn’t know. Hoya had always acted like he was okay with everything.

He knew she wanted to go, so he let her. He had to stay behind for his family, and breaking up was the only solution. That way, she would not hold onto the past. That way, she would succeed with a clear conscience, dedicated solely on her task when she was on the other side of the world and not on her lover who was back in Seoul. This was the least he could do to help her gain the happiness she wanted.

I said to go, I said I'm okay
Because you can only be
Happy once you leave my side.

Holding in the bad feelings, Hoya smiled for the Yoo Kyung on the poster to see.

--

A gentle rustling was heard down the subway tunnel. Hoya swallowed a sob as he caught sight of the approaching train, adjusting the strap of his sports bag over his shoulder as he waited for a carriage door to open in front of him. The bitter sensation stayed at the rear of his throat, but he refused to cry. At least not in front of her, anyway. Not until he had gotten onto the train, and the train had moved far away from the station. He promised himself to never show his tears to her.

Stepping into the carriage, he settled himself into a seat where he was in no sight of the billboard through the window panes. He then maximised the volume of the music on his ipod, trying hard to sleep the memory away, but no matter which song came on next, Hoya couldn’t help but hear the sound track of his yearning heart. His eyes moistened, with one thought lingering in his head the whole ride home.

Lee Howon, you did great.

{End.}