Bobby hit the pause button on the sound system. He had been trying to fit in some morning practice but he hadn’t been able to get into dance mode. His limbs were taking longer than normal to warm up and his mind was elsewhere. He checked his phone for the eighth time in twenty minutes, the white glow of the screen smarting his eyes in the dimly lit practice room. Nope, no messages from Hanbin that he was on his way.

Hanbin still hadn’t returned from his “appointment.” He said that morning over a rushed breakfast that he would only be away for an hour, but now it was closer to two. Bobby suspected it was a meeting with YG and he didn’t understand why Hanbin hadn’t just told him that was where he was going. Hanbin had been secretive lately with his work and it had made him curious, but these days with the comeback quickly approaching he knew better than to pry. Hanbin would show him his various projects and ask for his input when he was ready.

Bobby looked up at his reflection in the floor length mirrors and snorted in amusement. He was hunched over his phone in semi darkness, sweaty and completely alone. He looked rather pitiful. There was really no point continuing, was there…He sighed accepting defeat…Screw you Hanbin, why do you have to be on my mind all the time..! He chugged some water, grabbed his jacket and slipped out the door turning the remaining lights off as he went. He shuffled down the corridor, deciding to head back to the dorm to shower and change in order to begin a more thorough hunt for Hanbin. He had a strange sixth sense feeling that something wasn’t quite right and it was getting to him.

The lift pinged as it reached his level. The doors opened and suddenly out strode Hanbin.

“Hey!” Bobby went to pull him into a hug feeling relieved. “Where’ve you been? Come practice?” But he already knew what the answer would be. Hanbin was looking terrible. He had deeply withdrawn into himself; his eyes were stormy and glazed over while his jaw was clenched as if bracing himself for a blow. He met Bobby’s eyes only for a split indifferent second before pushing past.

“What’s wrong?” Bobby tried to grab Hanbin but he dodged his grasp and stormed out through the dorm building doors without looking back.

Oh man, what was going on now…Bobby felt dread come over him like a cold, damp sweat. He needed to go after him that was for sure. He absolutely hated seeing Hanbin like this. These days it was as if Hanbin’s pain was increasingly his own…that’s what you get for falling in love, you idiot…He stared sullenly through the glass front doors, watching Hanbin get further and further away. Everything outside seemed to have a chilly, mauve glow about it. It wasn’t quite winter yet but it was steadily getting colder. The sun still made an appearance every now and again like today. However he was hardly tempted to leave the warm dorms dressed the way he was in just sweatpants, a sweater and a mid-weight bomber jacket. He groaned and locked his hands around the back of his head, wondering what to do…

Oh, what the heck! He dashed out the door shaking his head. He hadn’t seen Hanbin this upset in a while and he just couldn’t bring himself to leave him alone in that state...
He had done that once before – let Hanbin deal with things alone - and he still regretted it. It was back during Mix and Match, the night when Hanbin disappeared and everyone freaked out. Earlier that day Bobby had asked Hanbin if he needed help editing lyrics and Hanbin had snapped at him to leave him alone. He hadn’t really been upset, just frustrated that Hanbin still didn’t seem to trust his help after everything they had been through together.

“Fine, I’ll leave you to it,” he had said shrugging before leaving Hanbin alone, hunched in front of the computer looking like a nervous wreck, surrounded by empty Pringles tubes and energy drink cans.

When he heard later that day that Hanbin had been missing for three hours he wasn’t sure if he should be worried. He knew all too well that Hanbin needed time alone to clear his mind during high-pressure periods. To be honest, giving Hanbin alone time worked out better for everyone anyway. When Hanbin was overwhelmed he had a way of losing all his softness and sweetness with frightening speed. Suddenly he was Tigerbin, snarling criticisms that never failed to hurt and shame the people around him. It was hard watching the person he loved and trusted lose control of their emotions. Yet ever since he had fallen in love with Hanbin, Bobby couldn’t help but see the real Hanbin stressed and overworked underneath Tigerbin façade. He realized because of this he was probably the only one who didn’t fear Hanbin’s cruel words…and that was both a blessing and a curse… Sometimes he felt torn: sympathetic towards Hanbin but unable to defend his cruel words. The best he could do was try and reassure others that Tigerbin never really meant what he said and maintain faith that whenever he stalked out of the room in frustration, a calmer, more collected Mambin would always eventually return – so far he hadn’t been proven wrong.

But Bobby also knew that Hanbin felt the pressures of wasted time too greatly to let his “cooling off” creep into more than two hours. So when the fourth hour rolled around, combined with how late and dark it was getting, Bobby finally started to get worried. He didn’t mention it to anyone but he was beginning to wonder if his tense exchange with Hanbin earlier that day had contributed to his disappearance. It seemed unlikely but nonetheless the thought made his stomach knot.

When Hanbin reappeared smiling guiltily as he wandered into the studio, clutching plastic bags of apology ice cream to share, Bobby managed to hide his feelings and dig in. Inside he was actually feeling horrible. Aside from a few mysteries he was still yet to crack, he liked to think he knew most of the ways in which Hanbin’s thoughts and feelings converted into action. When Hanbin was unhappy with others and their performance he usually returned from his time alone with a few to the point apologies, his mean words were happily forgotten, and everyone got straight back to work. There was something worrying about Hanbin coming back this time with ice cream…and looking so sheepish…Bobby knew instantly it meant that this time things were different: Hanbin hadn’t been blaming anyone else, just himself…and god knows, Bobby mused unhappy to himself, there was no one harder or more unfair on themselves than Hanbin. That was when he realized Hanbin really was at breaking point this time… and he had let him down by not taking him seriously.

Hanbin had finally collapsed into bed in the early hours of the morning, still feeling sorry for making everyone worried about him. Four hours alone just hadn’t been enough though. His mind was still racing with everything he needed to get done and the constant drumming of his heart made feel like he was about to go crazy. After WIN had finished he had hoped and hoped he would never feel that same unbearable pressure to deliver so many things at once ever again. Yet here he was doing it all again and more, and he was failing. He felt someone sit down on his bed. He rolled over to find Bobby perched next to him.

“What’re you doing?” Hanbin asked.

“Making sure you don’t run away again.” Bobby grunted without looking up from his phone.

“Seriously? I didn’t ‘run away.’ And anyway where would I go at this time of night?”

“Who knows man, you went to freakin’ Mangwon District. I will leave once you fall asleep so why don’t you just hurry up and do that.”

He laid his hand on Bobby’s knee. He was sorry that Bobby was worried about him but he genuinely didn’t know there was anything he could do to help that right now. Bobby gave him a grumpy sideways glance and rolled his eyes, but a moment later he was pulling the covers up around Hanbin’s chest. He knew how Hanbin loved to be cozy. The next morning Hanbin was moved to see that Bobby had failed to keep his word about staying only till he fell asleep. There he was in a deep sleep, mouth wide open, spooning Hanbin over the covers like there was no tomorrow. Hanbin managed to extricate himself from Bobby’s grasp and dot a kiss on his forehead without waking him. He headed to the practice rooms smiling to himself, feeling just a little bit luckier about the new day.

Well, he wasn’t going to let hanbin down again, Bobby was determined about that. He trotted awkwardly after Hanbin who had already left the compound and had just gone around the corner. He didn’t know whether he should force Hanbin to calm down and return to the dorms immediately or whether he should just follow him in silence to keep an eye on him. He caught up to Hanbin and glanced at his face. Still murderous, great…follow in silence it was…

He kept a few steps behind Hanbin, hoping that he was planning to just lap a few blocks and any moment would turn around and head back to the dorm. Instead he just kept going. He continued to follow grimly as Hanbin stalked down the quiet morning streets, into the next suburb, then the next suburb…then the next suburb….

He was just thinking they would need to get a cab back because they were well and truly lost when Hanbin came to an abrupt halt outside a train station. Bobby glanced at Hanbin but his face was unreadable. There was no way he would go so far as to get a train, that would be crazy…but to his horror Hanbin seemed to be forming an idea…Oh man, no way, this is going too far…

“Ok, let’s go back now, come on,” Bobby muttered gently taking Hanbin’s upper arm. He was shrugged off in one sharp motion.

Hanbin wasn’t ready to go back, in fact he was just getting started. He hadn’t planned to take a train but walking this far from his duties and worries was intoxicating enough and now he was feeling especially ambitious. Why not? Screw everything he was going to take a train to somewhere, anywhere, the more random the destination the better. Bobby would just have to let him go. He went to buy a ticket at the counter and when asked where he was going a whistle blowing to his right caught his attention. A train was about to leave and without asking where it was going he chose that one, feeling electrified by his impulsiveness. He took his ticket and raced off as Bobby watched on in dismay.

Swearing in disbelief Bobby stalked to the counter and asked for the same ticket, making it onto the train just before the doors slid shut.

As Bobby suddenly slumped down in the opposite seat it was as if Hanbin was suddenly seeing him properly for the first time today. This was unprecedented, Bobby had never followed him before…Bobby’s tactic was to usually let him go and burn his anger out by himself. How irritating, he should’ve forced Bobby to leave him alone. All he wanted was some time to himself and now he had to worry about Bobby being stuck all day with him wanting to go home the whole time. But Bobby seemed to have resigned himself to this unexpected adventure and had his phone out playing a game. Well whatever, it was his choice to follow him onto a train. He hadn’t asked him to do that so he wasn’t going to stress about it. Anyway, Bobby could get off at any stop he wanted and get a cab home. He needed this day of escape and wasn’t going to give it up for anything.

He pulled his legs up resting his heels on the edge of the seat, folded his arms across his chest and stared out the window. He took a deep breath and allowed the passing scenery of the city and its people to wash over him. Seeing people just doing everyday things had always been calming for him. They helped remind him of the world outside YG and his career. He tended to lose perspective easily and he knew that, but he didn’t know how to stop it. He had been a leader for a few years now but it was still so hard sometimes…like today. He cringed remembering the events of that morning and the crippling self-doubt hit him like a punch. He tried to focus on letting go.

It appeared the train he had chosen was on a rural line. Only forty-five minutes had gone by and they had already left the city behind, then the outer Seoul suburbs, and now they were heading through stretches of open country interspersed with increasingly small and distant suburbs. How fascinating, a part of Korea he had never seen before. His worries drifted away as he wondered what it would be like to live in one of the houses that flashed by, what jobs people had there, what meals did they cook, where did their kids go to school, what were their biggest worries and concerns…?

Bobby snuck a glance at Hanbin staring in awe out the window and tried not to smile. The last thing he wanted was for Hanbin to become self-conscious and return to sulking. He wished he felt curiosity as strongly as Hanbin. He often felt that unless it was to do with music a lot of things went over his head and he didn’t exactly try to stop that from happening. It was like God had given him 99% passion for hip hop and 1% passion for everything else. Ok, maybe that was a bit extreme…he did have some other interests…he just couldn’t think of any he was ‘passionate about’ right now…Hanbin though, guaranteed he was in the right mood and had the time, could become fascinated by anything and Bobby had watched him go through several random obsessions. The most recent had been poetry, in particular love poetry. He had teased Hanbin about it relentlessly but every time he had found Hanbin curled up in bed or on the couch, with his nose stuck in a volume of Pablo Neruda, he had secretly fallen in love with him all over again. Hanbin was surprisingly intellectual in some ways, so much so Bobby sometimes felt a little stab of worry, wondering whether Hanbin ever got bored with him...

He had now completely forgotten about pretending to look at his phone. He had become captivated by Hanbin’s almond-shaped eyes, his black pupils darting around in that intelligent way he loved, absorbing the surroundings through the window as if determined to store them permanently in his mind forever. Then Hanbin’s side profile took his breath away for a second and he had to pull himself together before he melted into a puddle of feelings on the floor. He not-so-accidentally kicked Hanbin’s foot as he crossed one leg over the other. Hanbin looked at him but didn’t smile; he didn’t frown either. So Hanbin was thawing at least…he would give it more time before he tried to get him to talk.

The train had been travelling without stopping for a while now and both boys had long been sitting and watching the scenery in silence, the rocking motion of the carriage lulling them into a drowsy state. But now the train began to slow down and shortly after drew to a halt. Hanbin took in the sight of the train station through the window. It was old looking, rather quaint and traditional. By the state of its slight disrepair it obviously wasn’t a very popular stop or connection; daises had sprung up in between the cracked concrete of the platform and a bit of ivy creeped around the wooden columns. He liked it.

Bobby jumped as Hanbin leapt from his seat. Shaking his head and wondering where the hell they were going now he followed Hanbin off the train and onto the platform. Cool, wintery air chilled him all over but there were diagonal spotlights of sun across the platform creating beautiful shadows. He stood in a warm patch and took in the surroundings: an old fashioned indoor lobby, brick arches, worn wooden benches to sit on while waiting for the train, an automatic ticket dispenser, and no station assistant apparently. Timber details added to the dated look of the place. The opposite platform across the tracks had an identical structure and platform and was also empty. There was no one at the station except for them…it was kind of eerie, Bobby shuddered.

So where were they? It wasn’t exactly rural as he could see some large power stations and elevated highways a few kilometres away. He couldn’t see any houses though. He walked around to the other side of the small train station finding an empty road, a bus stop and a few closed shops…there was nothing else around. He shook his head. What a dumb idea, coming all the way out here. He resolved to try and get Hanbin in a good mood as soon as possible so they could get home before it got dark and cold.

He walked back around to the arrival side of the platform to find Hanbin taking photos with his phone. While keeping a safe distance he peered over Hanbin’s shoulder to find out what on earth he had decided was photo-worthy. Shots of daises poking through concrete…some initials in marker pen on a brick archway…typical, he was being all artsy. Bobby didn’t particularly enjoy this type of exploration. He preferred either tropical paradises with coral reefs or huge sprawling urban cities which he could explore for hours. Deserted, old and quirky places were more Hanbin’s thing.

Hanbin realized he was being spied on and shot Bobby a warning glare over his shoulder as he slipped his phone away.

“Oops, sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt the photoshoot.” Hanbin ignored him and continued looking around.

“Hey,” Bobby called sharply making Hanbin turn around.

“I mean it, photographer sir…” Bobby leant against a wooden post in an exaggerated model-pose, one leg wrapped around it seductively, head tossed back, eyes smoldering. "Please continue.” He caressed his bottom lip seductively with his thumb.

“Why would I take photos of you? You’re ridiculous. And totally unfunny,” Hanbin scowled.

“What’re you talking about? You saw the pics from the latest shoot - the one where I went shirtless. Everyone agreed I looked the best, even you. What, don’t tell me you’ve forgotten what you said…?” Bobby asked flashing him a teasing, toothy smile.

“Shut up,” Hanbin muttered blushing. He actually remembered very well. He had told Bobby he never wanted to see him wearing clothes again because he looked so good without them.

“If you’re going to annoy me just go home. I came to think, not to be pestered,” He snapped but then felt ashamed. Ugh, he hated lashing out at Bobby…

“Seriously, it might be best if you left…I need some time alone…” He warned more softly.

“Talking about going back, we should find the timetable around here to find out when the next train comes...” Bobby spotted a timetable on the wall near the ticket machine and began squinting at the tiny font. There was a train coming back in about two hours…He just hoped they wouldn’t be icicles by then…it was late afternoon already.

“Nup, I’m going to stay here. Never going back, ever.” Hanbin declared in a petulant, childish tone. Bobby looked away from the timetable and stared at Hanbin unamused.

“Stay here, at this train stop…?” He patted the wall then jumped as old paint and dust suddenly flew off. “Nah, man. Too dusty,” he muttered disgustedly while shaking his hand wildly as if afraid of contamination.

Hanbin had to stop himself from smiling. Why did he find Bobby so attractive when he was being such a dork? He went into the lobby taking in the surprisingly high ceilings with timber frames and old fashioned wooden benches. The place had a nostalgic and melancholy feel about that moved him in a way he couldn’t describe. What was it about these semi-deserted places he loved so much...This stop had been left to get old, and dusty and crumbly...but at the same time that hasn’t made it any less beautiful - only more beautiful. Who would have thought decay could be so charming? It reminded him that all things pass...soon even his worries which seemed overwhelming now would be over, right?

Feeling weary he lay down on a bench cushioning the back of his head with his hands. Usually he would try and organize his thoughts, allowing the emotions to come springing to the forefront of his mind and he would deal with them one by one…but with Bobby here it was kind of awkward. He couldn’t quite lose himself in his thoughts the way he usually did.

Hanbin was touched yet also annoyed that Bobby had followed him today. In some ways having Bobby nearby was comforting, like knowing a life guard was there on duty ready to pull him out of his thoughts if he started drowning in them. At the same time though, being alone with his dark moods was undoubtedly preferable to dragging a ray of sunshine like Bobby into his vortex of angst and frustration. Deep down he had a paranoid fear that his negativity would somehow rub off on Bobby or drain him somehow. He wanted to put a protective barrier up between them to shield Bobby from his intensity, to stop his light from going out. He couldn’t think of anything worse than making Bobby feel as as he did right now…

Bobby sat down near Hanbin’s feet, slipping his hands into his coat pockets to keep them warm. How long exactly was it going to take before Hanbin slipped out of this mood? He knew that Hanbin often acted childish and cold in order to mask the anxiety he felt inside but he wished Hanbin would just be more open with him and share his burdens, instead of suddenly snapping and freaking everyone out. He thought Hanbin had been getting better at opening up since they got together…bit by bit Bobby had coaxed what Hanbin called his “ugly boring stuff” out of him, usually by being extra cuddly with him when he was in a good mood. Long, lingering backhugs, which were Hanbin’s ultimate weakness, had so far loosened up information about his childhood, his parents, his school experiences…lots of things he had never talked about with anyone else.

However, now Bobby wasn’t sure if they had really made any progress at all. Today seemed to suggest Hanbin had renewed his determination to stay shut up like a clam…It’s one step forward, two steps backwards with you dude…but Bobby wasn’t ready to give up. The first time Hanbin had truly confided in him had felt absolutely amazing. Almost as amazing as the first time they kissed, the first time he had fallen asleep in his arms, even as amazing as the first time Hanbin had said he loved him. Bobby tugged one of Hanbin’s feet.

“So, you gonna tell me what’s on your mind already?” He got no response. “…come on, you’ve dragged me out to the middle of nowhere, you owe me an explanation.” Still nothing and Hanbin had closed his eyes now as if dozing. Ok then, he was going to have to cut to the chase.

“It was YG wasn’t it, he didn’t like the track you’ve been working on.”

Hanbin recoiled and groaned in protest. He covered his face with his hands as if that would somehow block out Bobby’s words.

“So what? Write another one.” Bobby knew that would sting, but he needed to get Hanbin to open up and it looked like the only way to do that now was through anger. It was sort of like popping a balloon. Hanbin raised his head and looked at Bobby in disbelief.

“Write another. You serious? You have no ing idea.” Hanbin leapt up and began pacing. Bobby watched on unmoved.

“For every song we write that YG loves there are fifteen he hates. You know that, it’s part of the deal. Yg is a perfectionist,” Bobby shrugged at Hanbin.

“I know, I know…it’s just…” Hanbin shook his head then ran his hand through his hair, pulling it in frustration. He looked so worn out for a second that Bobby wanted to jump up and pull him into his arms, bring his head to his shoulder, tell him it would all be ok. The sad fact of the matter though was that no one could ever promise things would be ok except YG…but he could try to comfort him at least, find another way to make him feel better…

“Just what, babe..?” Hanbin Froze. Had he heard Bobby correctly? His hand flew over his fluttering heart, the same way it did whenever he was nervous. God, hearing that term of endearment did something to him. Bobby used it so rarely that whenever he did it never failed to send Hanbin into what felt like an ecstatic cardiac arrest. He glanced at Bobby who was regarding him with a mischievous yet tender smile. Yep, he totally said it. With difficulty he regained composure and continued.

“…Well, to me that wasn’t just any track…do you have any idea how long I have been working on it? Months and months. I’ve rewritten the lyrics so many times I’ve lost count. Same for the hook; scrapped it and made a new one so so many times…”

“Yeah…I know it , it has happened before. And each time we just got to cop the criticism, regroup and get something new together fast before YG loses interest.”

Hanbin stared bitterly at the ground, scuffing his feet across the floor, determinedly trying to kick up some loose shards of shattered concrete as if that would somehow undo the events of today. Bobby was right, it had happened before, but that still wasn’t it…he didn’t know though if he could say out loud what was really on his mind…it was too big, too scary. Worst of all he didn’t know if Bobby would even be able to comfort him and tell him that he was being silly. Then he would be even worse off than not having said anything at all…unable to control his nerves he walked out of the lobby back onto the platform needing fresh air. It was starting to get dark now and he could see a star or two begin to flicker…

Strong arms slipped securely around his middle from behind. He felt Bobby’s face press against his back. He felt warm and weak all over.

“Tell me about the song,” Bobby mumbled. He released a shuddering sigh and hugged Bobby’s arms around his waist. It all starting coming out in a rush.

“I know I can write another song, and I will…I always do. That’s not the problem. The problem is that…I actually thought that it was a good song. Seriously, I was proud of it. I put a lot into those lyrics, I though the hook was really cool…but then he just…” Hanbin broke off laughing bitterly. Bobby squeezed him, wanting him to go on.

“He listened for thirty seconds then pressed stop. “Childish hook” he said. The lyrics are “sentimental and pretentious.” …I can’t believe I actually thought it could be a title track…”

Bobby gave an empathetic grunt. That was hard, he knew because it had happened to him a few times as well. Taking something to YG was scary in itself, let alone showing him something you were really proud of or had high hopes for. When YG didn’t like something suddenly you felt like an idiot, a total amateur with no taste and no talent. He had left YG’s office many times cursing the whole soul-crushing process…but he knew that Hanbin was particularly sensitive to YG’s expectations of him as a leader, it was probably even worse for him.

“…And I guess it freaked me out because he then just gave me this look as if to say…’you serious, is this the best you can do?’ And that’s the worst part - I actually thought it was good! And if that’s the best I can do after months of writing then where the do I go from here?” Hanbin released another bitter, shaky laugh.

Bobby finally understood. It wasn’t the song that Hanbin was upset about it was the self-doubt. Bobby pulled Hanbin around to face him and drew him close so they were hip pressed to hip.

“You’re doubting yourself, that’s fine. It’s normal.” Bobby murmured soothingly. He went in to nuzzle Hanbin’s neck.

“Yes, but I’m the leader!” Hanbin insisted, pulling back. He could sense Bobby trying to calm him down by as he always did by distracting him with kisses, but he needed his honesty more than ever now.

“I need to write good songs or else I am not just letting myself down I am letting everyone down! We will never have a comeback at this rate. I’m scared now that every song I have written before that turned out ok was just a fluke or something. What if I can’t actually write songs…what if all this time I have just been lucky…what if there is no real…”

“…talent there?” Bobby finished tentatively for him. Hanbin shivered and looked down, fiddling with Bobby’s jacket zipper, his lips pursed tensely. Bobby thought quietly to himself for a second…God it hurt to hear him talk like this…

“I dunno though…Don’t you ever reckon that sometimes at the end of the day if you are proud of something then that’s all that matters? If it means something to you…sure, maybe it won’t go on the album or anything but that doesn’t mean you can’t be proud of it.”

“YG’s opinion matters more than yours or mine. You know that, Jiwon.” Hanbin whined. “He’s probably right. It was just a track.”

“Can I listen to it? I can tell you whether it or not.” Bobby chuckled at his own honesty but Hanbin wouldn’t meet his eyes. Bobby grabbed him in disbelief.

“No! You didn’t scrap it did you? Come on, you still have the sound file at least?” Hanbin shook his head.

“Nup I deleted it. It’s gone.” Bobby swore and took a few angry strides, shaking his head angrily.

“Why are you so hard on yourself?” He moaned wearily. Hanbin just shrugged regretfully.

“You know what I wish?” Bobby demanded whilst coming close again and taking Hanbin’s face between his hands. “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, see how ing amazing you are. So amazing you wouldn’t believe…” Bobby’s words leaked through Hanbin’s chest and sat there throbbing warmly. He wished he could see himself through Bobby’s eyes…even for just a split second... but it was stupid dwelling on that though. If he had learned anything since joining YG it was that there was no point imagining being a success, you just had to get down and do the hard work and never stop. Even then, sometimes that wasn’t enough.

“Exactly - I can’t believe how amazing I am - That is the problem!” Hanbin smiled weakly but Bobby gave him a death-stare. Not this, seriously…Hanbin was always out-thinking him, taking his words meant as compliments and using them against him. He had to be so damn careful with what he said when Hanbin was in one of these moods…you just couldn’t win!

Sensing he had gone too far Hanbin decided to change the mood. Even Bobby who was so patient with him had his limits with it came to his anxiety and he didn’t want to test those limits anymore today. He pulled Bobby in as if for a romantic embrace but went in for a sneaky -grab. Bobby yelped and slapped his hands away but quickly recovered. He launched a counter-attack as Hanbin shrieked like a girl making both of them laugh even harder. Suddenly they were both four year olds, playing with abandon on the platform. They came to a laughing stalemate, grasping each other’s arms to hold each other off.

Bobby noticed Hanbin was now shaking quite violently from the cold. He let go of Hanbin’s wrists and opened up his jacket inviting him in. Hanbin gratefully slipped his arms around Bobby’s middle and the jacket closed around him. Hanbin knew that Bobby really did admire him…and yes, even love him. It was a continuous source of joy and wonder. In fact it was one of the first things he remembered each day upon waking: Jiwon loved him more than a friend. It was like finding out he had won the lottery each and every time, the feeling never wore off.

“L-look I g-get it. You just wish I would relax,” Hanbin chattered as Bobby rubbed his back trying to warm him up.

“Well, can I just say this? Imagine it was me saying all this to you - what would you tell me? ‘Yeah Jiwon, you do and yeah YG is right you can’t write a song for , and yeah every good song you have ever written has just been a fluke and really you have no talent.’ OR…would you tell me to shut the up because you know I can rap like a pro and just coz I wrote one bad song doesn’t mean I am suddenly a failure? Listen to the way you talk about yourself dude, it’s so negative. Can you please stop doing that already?”

Hanbin hadn’t thought of it like that. He did ‘talk about himself’ pretty badly a lot of the time…but that was the only way he knew how to get good results. Perfectionism: a battle you never win even when you win. But he just knew he couldn’t promise anything right now, not with a comeback so soon. Trying to change his work style right at this moment would be comeback-suicide. So he just shrugged and looked away wanting to change the subject. Bobby sensed Hanbin’s stubbornness but he wasn’t going to push it now, not after Hanbin had at least opened up to him this much.

“Well can you at least promise me you’ll stop running away like this when things get rough?”

“I don’t do it to upset you! I just need to get away sometimes or I else I will just….explode, I don’t know…”

Bobby nodded reluctantly. Well he didn’t want Hanbin to explode and obviously it was going to take more time before Hanbin would think to come to him with his problems first before running off. He would have to compromise.

“How about this: promise me then that you will never, ever, run away further than this station. Not a single stop further, ok? Seriously, next time you run off I am going to have to pack a freakin’ suitcase and bring my passport.” Hanbin smiled lopsidedly. Bobby was so cute when he tried reasoning with him that it was hard to take him seriously. 
“Ok, fine. Never further than here, this station or this distance in any direction, north, south, east or west. And even then, don’t worry… at the end of the day I’m not going anywhere.”

Bobby felt a rush of relief. He knew Hanbin would never really leave, but it felt unbelievably good to hear him say it.

“I really ing love you, you know that?” he said with tight throat.

“Yup and I really ing love you right back.” He loved how Hanbin was getting better at saying those words out loud every time.

It was hard to kiss at first because they were both smiling so much and their lips were going slightly numb. But soon enough the warmth that came from their kissing was a welcome distraction from the cold. They kissed fervently and Hanbin’s hands soon found their way under Bobby’s shirt to his warm, smooth back. Bobby groaned approvingly.

They pulled apart at the sound of a train finally approaching the station. Had it been two hours already? Yelping in surprise they dashed to the other side of the station, using the underground tunnel to reach the correct platform.

“That was close, hey?” Bobby chuckled ushering a violently shivering Hanbin into the carriage. Hanbin nodded and continued through wanting to find some privacy. He had plans to savour this moment with Bobby and be alone with him for long as possible. He was also feeling a bit weird after sharing so many of his worries out loud; he just wanted some peace and quiet.

“Here.” They found an empty carriage. Bobby swung down next to Hanbin and slipped an arm around his shoulders. The train took off back to Seoul and they watched the dark outline of the station at which they had just spent several hours disappear from their window frame.

Hanbin was feeling weary again but not unhappily so. It was more that sleepy feeling of being relieved to finally be out of the cold whilst keenly anticipating getting into his snug dorm bed. He lent his head on Bobby’s shoulder and immediately felt fingers begin to gently comb through his hair. They cuddled in silence, both going over their thoughts about the day that was nearly over.

The carriage remained entirely theirs for the whole journey which felt like an incredible luxury. They both slipped into a semi-sleep like state only opening their eyes every fifteen minutes to check which stop was next. Finally their stop arrived and Hanbin startled as Bobby gently shook him awake.

They stood before the carriage doors blinking heavily with sleepy eyes and waited for the train to come to a halt.

“Ready to go back?” Bobby asked.

“yeah, let’s do it…Oh, and by the way…you know how I said I deleted the sound file of the track? Well actually I didn’t, I still have it…want to listen to it when we get back…?” Hanbin smiled cheekily as Bobby’s eyes widened

“…Maybe you could help me rework it into something else…”

“Seriously, one day you're going to kill me.” Bobby smiled, shaking his head in pretend irritation as Hanbin laughed proudly at his own little prank.

The train stopped and the carriage doors opened. Tiny particles of brand new snow bombarded them buffeted along on a breathtakingly icy wind. They looked at each other and groaned, laughing at their misfortune. They stepped out onto the platform to head back to YG.