[push]

[stare]

[…tilt]

Jamie pushes her two palms against the floor. It’s probably the booze, but she feels her world tilting. Her empty cup rolls one way until it stops at the leg of the bed, leaving a trail of dotted alcohol remains behind it. She sits up to balance it all again.

“Okay, Ayeon,” Yerin points a swaying finger at her roommate, eyes half open, “Truth or dare?”

The victim of the game rolls her eyes, looking at herself in her phone to admire her new rose-gold hair color. Somehow skinny little Ayeon drank the most with the least effect. “I’m not playing.”

The response doesn’t budge Yerin from her persistence, and she pours her elder some more Rosé. “Yes you are, we have things we need to ask you.”

Do we? Jamie asks herself, but decides to go with the flow. She can’t seem to grasp anything right now.

Finally Ayeon gives in. “Fine. Truth.”

“What happened with you and Brian last…” Yerin stops to collect her thoughts, “…Fffffriday?”

Oh, I wanted to know that, too, Jamie realizes, but can’t bring herself to speak. Suppose she really does suit the title of “tired drunk”.

“Oh, come on! You said you’d let it go!” Ayeon lets go of her cool and whines.

“And I did. But I’m curious again.”

Same.

“Nothing! We, like, I don’t know… we made out.”

“I knew it!”

The bickering continues, bedsheets soaking in the noise, and Jamie feels her eyelids lose against gravity. Her head hangs back to prepare herself for a blackout. What an exhausting night. Before she can let herself pass out, she pushes herself to finally speak.

“Guys… sorry again,” she mutters and slurs her speech, but at least she got it out. “That we have to be in here.”

She hears a blurry collective of that’s alright and such words, but falls asleep before she can process any of it.

[tilt]

“J…ie…!”

Her name drowns out in the crowd of students, so she continues to walk down the hall. Her surroundings become white, and she floats down to wherever her direction takes her. She can’t hear a word anyone says. This doesn’t last long when a hand grabs her and spins her around. Jamie looks up at the tall figure in surprise.

“Jamie!” Jae makes his appearance. “Where are you going? Class is the other way.”

“Is it?” Jamie blinks rapidly, and the world becomes sharp again. She shakes off the odd feeling and laughs. “Oh gosh, right! I guess I’m a bit hungover.”

Jae frowns and cups her face, examining her. “Are you okay? You suddenly just went back to your dorm last night. I mean, Yerin and Ayeon went back with you but… we were worried.”

She shakes her head lightheartedly and shoos his hands off her face. “Yeah, guess the margarita didn’t sit well, I didn’t feel good. I’m okay now.”

Ignoring Jae’s suspicious face, Jamie leads him by turning the other way and beginning to walk again. He follows her, grabbing her hand to not get left behind in human traffic. Walking silently, she can feel the white sensation begin again. She shakes it off by starting another conversation.

“So what’s the deal with Brian and Ayeon? Are they dating now, or…?”

Jae chuckles. “Shouldn’t you know? She’s your roommate.”

“And he’s yours.”

“Got me there,” Jae shrugs. “What’s up with Yerin and Jihyo, then?”

“Dating.”

“Huh.”

Jamie takes a deep breath to stay focused. “Seems like everybody’s got something going on, huh?”

She doesn’t take notice of Jae’s concerned stare. He holds her hand tighter. “Seems like it.”

[tilt]

“…go out with me on Saturday?”

“What?”

Superboy Jaebum “JB” Lim stands in front of Jamie, looking smaller than she’s ever seen him. Her own personal heartthrob just bore the words she’d been meaning to bear to him for a year and a half—ever since she saw him handing out fliers for tutoring on freshmen orientation.

“Uh, did I hear right?”

Jaebum laughs, showing off that irresistible smirk she fell so hard for. “If you heard me ask you out, then yeah.”

“Um… I… yeah. I’d like that,” Jamie fidgets with her hair, eyes wide as possible in hopes that this isn’t just a dream.

“Great. I’ll text you the details and we’ll work it out,” he nods, unsure how to close off. “Well, I-I’ve got a lecture in a minute, so…”

“Y-yeah! Go ahead. See you Saturday, then,” Jamie tries to hide her excitement.

Jaebum nods again before heading off, disappearing into the campus horizon. When she’s sure that he’s out of sight, she spins around to see if anyone saw that. Nobody? She needs an eyewitness to confirm that just happened.

“Did I just hallucinate?” she slaps herself lightly to wake up.

“Nope; that happened,” a voice confirms from behind her, and Jamie shrieks with a jump. The perpetrator, Ayeon, laughs. “You must be excited.”

Jamie clutches her shirt to collect herself from the scare. “I don’t think screaming from a scare-from-behind constitutes as excited.”

“Hey, these days we have to snap our fingers in your face five times before you notice anyone’s around,” Ayeon raises her eyebrow, “I’d say you’re attentive right now. You have a surrounding that you want to pay attention to now.”

“Stop analyzing me, Psychology Major,” Jamie mocks, but can’t help the grin coming to her face. “I have a date with Jaebum!”

She squeals and eagerly holds Ayeon’s hand and starts jumping around, Ayeon quickly being infected by the happiness. “Yes you do!”

[tilt back?]

The white sensation of everything falling into a blur becomes rarer after that. To summarize the past weeks: Jaebum is a good kisser. Jamie’s too distracted by that fact to let herself doze into her little world again. The more she thinks about it, the more she thinks that she was overreacting in the way she’s been acting. It’s kind of nice to be alert. To appreciate the world around her. To…

“Are you going to give in that essay or not?” Her biology professor interrupts her train of thought.

Ah. Perhaps she’s not as alert as she’d thought.

When Jamie can’t give her an answer, the professor sighs. “I don’t know what’s up with you. You were fine last semester, but you’re turning everything in late this time. Give it in by Friday night or you’ll have an F in your gradebook. Got it?”

“Got it,” Jamie answers breathily, sounding more determined than she actually is.

. The world shakes. Jamie needs to head out. She needs to go. She needs to go. She politely excuses herself, mind running faster than her feet. Her head decidedly faces the floor as she loses the ability to look forward. She’s not sure why, but she’s sure something bad will happen if she looks up. Down the hall, down the hall. I gotta go. I gotta—

Again, she’s interrupted when her body hits someone else’s. She doesn’t have to look up; she recognizes Yerin’s converse and Jae’s tennis sneakers. Why is someone she knows always there? She doesn’t need this right now. She wants to go.

“Whoa, Jamie, are you okay?” Jae’s voice sounds.

“I’m okay,” Jamie breathes out, unsure if she’s saying it in her head or out loud.

Before the two can ask any further, she shoves past them and hurries to the nearest bathroom. Jae moves to run after her, but Yerin grabs his wrist before he can do so. He turns back to her, frustrated that she won’t let him check on his best friend, but she keeps her grip tight.

“Yerin, what the hell, we have to…”

“I think she needs to figure things out,” the monotone princess just stares forward.

Meanwhile, Jamie has found the bathroom empty to her relief. She locks herself in a stall and crouches on the closed lid to calm herself down. Why? Why is something as little as teacher confrontation freaking her out like this? It’s not like one essay will hurt her grade that much. She can barely breathe. There’s no way she can finish that essay. It’s so damn easy. Why can’t she finish it? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

[back to tilting]

“Jae told me you’ve been kind of stressed lately,” Jaebum mentions in passing. He her hair as they lie on his bed. “Anything on your mind?”

Jae, that . Jamie shakes it off and smiles. “It’s nothing. I had a scare about my grades but it’s okay now.”

“Is it?”

Nope. I didn’t give the essay in. “Yeah, it’s over now.”

Jaebum isn’t convinced.

“I wish you well…” Frank Sinatra plays softly in the background, matching the orange-tinted fairy lights framing the ceiling. His apartment is art to her. In whatever is happening with her, Jamie knows that Jaebum can be her one safe space. It just annoys her when he asks her about all the things she likes to forget around him. She snuggles up closer to him, kissing his neck.

“Whoa, whoa,” Jaebum snickers when he feels her on his collarbone.

“I feel good,” Jamie says, still littering kisses all over him, “Let’s have .”

“Wh—for real?” This was a first. It’s not like they hadn’t done anything before, but is a step they’d yet to take. More specifically, it’s a step Jamie has yet to take with anyone, explaining Jaebum’s hesitance to start so soon.

Jamie stops, and looks up at him to meet his eyes. “For real.”

“If you’re sure you’re okay…”

Ugh. He can’t finish his concerns when Jamie cuts him off with a rough kiss. “Just shut up and let’s do this.”

His body gives in.

[tilt]

“You and JB ed?!”

Jamie almost drops her phone from the noise. She rubs her temples. “Geez, Jae, yell it a little louder so your whole dorm can hear.”

“Sorry, sorry, I’m cool, it’s chill,” Jae calms himself down on the other end of their FaceTime call. “Oh, Brian may have heard me.” Brian comes into the frame for a split second to give Jamie a congratulating thumbs up before disappearing again.

“Well, welcome to the hoe club,” he announces, making Jamie roll her eyes jokingly, “How do you feel? Like a queen? Missing the purity of ity?”

The interrogation makes Jamie laugh further. “Shut up Jae. I don’t really feel any different.”

Jae raises an eyebrow. “Really? I’d expect you to. You used to be all holy and whatever, saying you’d save your v-card for someone special.”

“Jaebum is special.”

She hears Brian howl in laughter in the background. Jae catches the laugh too. “You sure ‘bout that one, Baby J? I mean he’s a solid guy and all but you’ve been on like two dates and just hook up otherwise.”

The boy has a point. Guess he sees right through Jamie. “Okay, fine, he’s not ‘the one’ or anything. I initiated so he’d shut up.”

There’s a silence on the other end with Jae looking a little concerned. “Was he… pressuring you to—“

“No! No, god no,” Jamie shakes her free hand at the screen. “He was just getting too up and personal about my feelings and whatever. It creeped me out so I just started kissing him.”

Chuckle. “You sound so repulsed by feelings. You kinda need those in a relationship, you know?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Jamie rolls her eyes again for exaggeration. “And don’t say relationship, Jae. We haven’t really put a stamp on what we are yet.”

“But he called you his girl—you know what? You’re difficult, Jamie,” Jae shakes his head with a small smile. His screen starts to shake, showing him standing up. “Anyway, I’m gonna crash. I’ve got an eight a.m. class tomorrow.”

“Aight. Night, Jae.”

Beep; the screen goes black as he hangs up, and Jamie falls backwards on her bed. Through her peripheral vision she can sense one of her roommates standing there. She turns to Yerin, who stands in the open-door bathroom in front of the mirror doing her nightly routine.

“You’re judging me.”

“I never said anything,” Yerin says absentmindedly while staring forward, rubbing in her face cream.

“But I can feel it,” Jamie purses her lips forward in suspicion. “Your aura is overwhelming.”

Yerin waits to wash off her facial cleanser before turning to Jamie and looking her in the eyes. “What would I judge you for?”

“For having to avoid my feelings?”

Yerin snaps finger guns at her shorter friend, “Bingo,” and gets back to her routine.

“So you were judging me.”

“Not judging… let’s say questioning instead,” she shrugs. The girl is a lot sassier than her face gives away.

Not knowing how to answer that, Jamie just watches her finish up for bed. As usual, Yerin dries up her face, ties her hair in a low ponytail, and opens her little pill box for her nightly dose of Zoloft. Jamie’s not sure why she watches Yerin swallow that pill so intensely.

“Do those work?” Jamie asks.

“Mm?” Yerin turns to Jamie while downing her glass of water.

“The meds, I mean.”

[tilt]

Jamie can’t run from her feelings forever. Soon enough, the white sensation returns in the form of black. This time, it finds its way to her even when she’s with her safe space Jaebum. It weighs her down in a way that she can’t explain. Much like the white sensation, the black sensation makes it hard to pay attention to real life. She’ll press palms to her eyes and watch the fireworks under her eyelids in hopes to regain consciousness, but instead she just feels her world…

Tilt.

Alcohol isn’t her sweet spot, but sure is. Nothing beats her deafening mind like contact to another person. Sure, after they’re done, the black and white sensations will return at double the force, but Jamie still does everything in her power to procrastinate their return.

It’s okay this way. It’ll be okay.

One thing she never wants to feel again is the feeling after her professor confronted her about her missing essay. So instead she ignores her professors altogether. It’s not a great strategy, but it’s working. That feeling of panic sometimes bubbles to her brim, but shaking off her thoughts lets the feeling simmer down.

“Are you okay?” Jaebum asks. Jamie throws him on the bed.

“Are you alright?” Ayeon persists. Jamie takes out her phone to take a selfie.

“You sure you good?” Brian questions. Jamie shoves more cup ramen in his mouth.

 “You’re not okay,” Yerin knows. Jamie dismisses it as more of Yerin’s judging.

“Jamie,” Jae only says her name. Jamie’s not sure how to respond.

God,

I hate myself.

[tilt]

Jae isn’t even surprised when walks into his room, only to see Jamie spread out lazily on his bed. A large bag hangs from her hand off the mattress. Nobody even let her in. She really does abuse that spare key of hers.

“Don’t you have a date in a bit?” he asks, taking off his coat and hanging it on the doorknob.

“Can I just get ready here? Ayeon and her ‘not-boyfriend’ Brian are hooking up in our room and Yerin ditched me to crash at Jihyo’s.”

That explains why she’s here. He walks to his desk and flips open his laptop. “Yeah, sure.”

“Thanks,” she doesn’t bother getting up to get ready. Instead, she rolls over on her stomach and watches Jae click away. “What are you working on?”

“We got a short film project,” Jae says, staring forward at his screen, “My group put me in charge of making the background music.”

“What’s your film about?”

“Nunya.”

“Nunya?”

“None ya business.”

“Cheap shot,” Jamie pouts. “Why won’t you tell me?”

“It’s not like you ever tell me anything these days.”

Hard to argue that. Guess the small talk is over—Jamie sits up to finally get ready for her date. Just as she does, her phone vibrates. Vvt, vvt; two short buzzes to indicate a text message. It’s from Jaebum.

‘Let’s not go out,’ it reads.

Backing out? Jamie can’t say she’s disappointed; she wasn’t really in the mood for dinner out anyway. She texts back. ‘Not in the mood either lol. Can I just chill at your place instead?’

Despite his cold exterior, Jaebum never misses a beat when texting back. This time, there’s a bit of a pause before he responds. What’s taking him so long?

Finally, her phone buzzes again.

‘No, I mean… let’s stop going out.’

Oh.

Oh.

Jamie looks up with her eyes; Jae is too deep in his work to notice anything. She sighs slowly to keep her composure before texting back.

‘Sure. Good night, then.’

Her phone vibrates twice again, but she doesn’t want to check. She can’t scream in someone else’s apartment. It would be childish to cry. So she falls back on the bed again, curls up into fetal position, and stares blankly as she waits for tears to get the better of her.

“Aren’t you gonna get ready?” Jae breaks the silence, but it only comes back. When he doesn’t get an answer, he looks up from his screen to look at her. “Jamie?”

“He broke up with me.”

“What?” Jae instinctively stands up and puts his laptop away. A weep from her end gets louder. “Oh, Jamie…” he finally gets a full view of her current position.

Jae sits on the edge of the bed and pulls Jamie to sit upright. With no power to fight back, she sits up obediently and lets her head fall on Jae’s shoulder. He her head, the contact making her eyes well up.

“He did it over text,” Jamie says between weeps.

“Are you seri—oh my god,” Jae clutches her head tighter. “ him. What a coward.”

He feels her shake her head on his shoulder. “No, he’s not a coward. I deserve to get dumped like that. I’m the coward.”

“Don’t say that, Baby J. It’s not your fault.”

“Of course it is,” her voice weakens with every word. “He only broke up with me because I’ve always been a coward.”

“Come on,” Jae rests his head on top of hers, “What are you talking about…”

“ doesn’t get rid of feelings, does it?”

Ah; Jae knows what she’s talking about now. Everyone saw the rabbit hole she’s been falling down, and she kept pretending that she was fine on the ground. For most people, she shook everything off with humor. For Jaebum, who could sternly refuse jokes, she shook it off with his weakness of —and he had enough of it. Jamie’s not that sad that he left her. She just hates that Jaebum had to be the reality confronting her about the truth.

“No, it doesn’t,” Jae sighs. He feels like he already knows the answer to his next question. “What… feelings are you trying to get rid of?”

When she opens , more tears well, so she shuts it tightly again. Jae turns her head to her and wipes her eyes. “You can tell me. I know you’ve got the answer.”

She knows he’s right. The more she avoided, the more she knew what was coming to her. The more she denied, the stronger it all came back. It’s time to confront herself. It’s well past that time.

“I…” Jamie takes a deep breath. “I think I’m depressed.”

Jae’s eyes soften and he smiles a little. “There we go. That’s step one.”

The world doesn’t stop tilting.

But it does slow down.

Just a little.

[some back-and-forth tilts later]

When Jae walks into the usually-quiet café, the group cheers overdramatically. Some give the college students annoyed looks, but nobody can be bothered to care too much. Jae grabs a chair next to Ayeon and sits down, pleasantly enjoying the approval upon his arrival.

“Thank you, thank you,” Jae waves them down royalty-style to exaggerate his presence. “Where’s Jamie?”

“Of course that’s the first thing you say when you get in,” Jaebum chuckles. Jae shrugs, blushing with a cheesy smile. “She ran to the pharmacy to restock on her meds. She’ll be back in a second.”

“Don’t make fun of me, of course I want my baby girl to be here to celebrate with us,” Jae laughs.

Brian makes a face and turns to Ayeon. “Ew. We can’t let them beat us as cheesiest couple.”

Jihyo scoffs. “Please, Yerin and I can take that title. Anyway, did you just say couple…”

She trails off, leaving a silence behind her. She turns to Yerin, then back to a smirking Brian and Ayeon. When she finally catches on, her eyes widen and she lets her jaw drop.

“Wait, are you guys official now?!”

Yerin gasps. “Wait, what?”

Chaos erupts at the table, questions being thrown left and right. In the midst of the chaos, Jamie enters the café to see her friends yelling about. She lets a laugh out. Typical, she rolls her eyes, and approaches them.

“I’m back,” Jamie announces, and bends down to give Jae a peck on the lips. “And here to give you a big fat congratulations!”

“Yay!” Jae yells childishly and gives Jamie a hug. “Who’d think that I would win best soundtrack at our film festival? I honestly thought that JB would win.”

That comment earns Jae a kick under the table from Jaebum. “Rub it in, rub it in, Jae. I’ll beat you next semester.”

“Dude, you’ll be graduated by then,” Jamie has to remind him.

“Oh .”

Laughter erupts and their table earns back their place as loudest in the café. Jamie laughs with them. Genuinely.

Happiness is a more common theme for her these days. The lows of black and white sensations will come back and go away. The world will continue to tilt back and forth.

But she doesn’t mind the shaky ride.

A/N: One of my first stories where angst is the main genre, so I hope it turned out okay. I tried to make this story realistic, mixing in real life and romance (but by no means romanticizing the struggle of depression). All comments and criticisms are welcome so I can improve my writing!

I’m sure there are many that can relate to the messy ride of depression and realizing how you have it; just know you’re not alone. There’s no shame in mental illness! The more we talk about it, the more we normalize the topic—and the more people will come forward for help. Have a healthy day, kids J