HONESTY

“She said, baby I’m afraid to fall in love…” he sings in his deep baritone voice while music blasts in the built-in speakers inside his room. “…cause what if it’s not reciprocated. I told her, don’t rush girl, don’t you rush…” To add some mood, he turns on his multi-colored strobe lights which was a contrast to the stillness of the fairy lights close to the wall. He takes a deep breath before he absorbs himself in the song again.

“Coz I…want you…I want you…I want- I want you.”, he sings the refrain then looks at his phone and smiles, as if singing to someone; ruffles his blonde unruly locks before he ends his live after a sweet, “Good night.”

Lee Hayi turns off her phone and sighs, turning so that she can lie on her back. “Song Mino, I miss you.”, she says out loud to the shadows in her room.

They have a gone a long way since that night they agreed to be in an “almost-relationship”. Mino would call her when he has time which isn’t always, and Hayi would sometimes send simple messages. Rarely, they would pass each other on the hallway, and she would suddenly feel a piece of chocolate pressed against her hand. She stops but he doesn’t. He only turns his head and winks or grins at her while walking with his team. Sometimes, it would be coffee in her studio when she arrives with her staff. The staff would check but there’s no name. One of them was about to drink it when something caught her eye and she immediately stopped him. Hayi got the cup and saw a simple caricature of her and she knew exactly who made it. “It’s mine.”, Hayi says with a smile, hiding the blush creeping on her cheeks from the others. They were very simple gestures and Hayi was very grateful for it, that slowly, she realized that she was happy whenever she thought of him.

Hayi also wanted to reciprocate the things he has been doing for her but that proved to be a disaster. Her timing was always off. Once, she sent a cup of iced americano to rehearsals but Jinwoo drank it because Hayi didn’t put her name or Mino’s name on it. When she sent food, Mino wasn’t in the studio and Seunghoon and Seungyoon were the ones who ate it. She decided to send chocolates over on white day & it had Mino’s name but then, he couldn’t eat them for he had a throat infection that day, much to Hayi’s dismay. “Maybe I should just send you a plant.”, Hayi sighs when he went to visit her at the studio after getting the chocolates the day before. Mino didn’t miss the disappointment in her face. He reached for a piece of chocolate in the box but Hayi stops him from eating it. “Hey, don’t.”, she shook her head at him. “But…” he starts to say but Hayi holds his face and moves closer to press her lips to his. It was quick, but enough to immobilize him. “I guess that’s the only thing I can give you that won’t be taken by others.”, she says then moves away when someone knocks on the door and other people joins them.

Mino has become so busy these days that it was impossible to see each other so he thought to do V-lives. And Hayi found herself looking forward to them when she realized one day that he’ll be on-line early in the morning. It seems it’s the only way she could see him these days. Especially since the last time they saw each other, they had a fight.

Flashback

“Guess who…”, she says, and he smiles while feigning innocence. “Jennie?”, he says but that earned him a smack to his back and a murderous glare. “Hayi, of course I know, its you!”, he amends, reaching out to cling onto her waist. But she kept mum and crossed her arms over her chest, clearly displeased. “Hey, I was just joking.”, he says with that irresistible smile while looking up at her. “Bad joke.”, she says, looking pissed. “She visits your exhibit then you completely forget about me?”, she asked, now really pissed.

“Eh?”, was his response but Hayi holds his arm to release herself from his hold. “You know how much I wanted to go but there’s always a conflict in our schedule.”, she adds. She walks to his new artwork and sighs.

Mino smiles while watching her. She stood close to the window, sunlight peeking through the blinds, adding golden highlights to her pretty pouting face. He stands up and takes her hand then kisses her knuckles. “Come here.”, he says but before Hayi could protest, she was pulled to his embrace, his arms caging her body to his. “You don’t know how much I missed you.”, he says before he kisses her hair. “You’re jealous.”

“Ya! Song Mino!”, she pushes away just to see his face and she was quite put off at the mirth in his eyes. “This was clearly a bad idea. I have to go.”

But Mino doesn’t let her hand go. “Please don’t.” Mino sighs. “God knows I’ve been waiting for you for a long time so you’re not leaving yet, my almost-girlfriend.” He smirks. “Please stay.”, he adds.

“You’ve been away too much.”, Hayi sighs and Mino gave an apologetic smile. “I mean, we haven’t really been like we are in…I mean…that you and I…whatever…It’s just, I heard you were back, and I asked for a break because I …”

“Because you missed me?”

“Well, yes and because I wanted to see you but if you’re busy…” Mino chuckles and embraces her again, pressing her face close to his chest while he plants a kiss to her head. Hayi’s arms go around his waist but then she hits his back again. “Never do that joke again. It makes me think you were expecting someone else.”

“I won’t do it again. I’m sorry.”, his deep voice rumbled in her ear. “I missed you too, a lot.” Then, he faces her and pinches her cheeks. “I want to know what’s keeping my Hayi busy.”

“Well, maybe you can listen to my song and tell me what you think?”, she says, and Mino immediately agrees. How can he pass up an excuse to spend time with her when he’s been waiting for a chance to be with her again? Even if they worked in the same company, the no-dating-policy hovered over their heads like a noose, ready to strangle them and cut them off from the idol world once violated. Their president, even when he appears at ease with his talents, was still like a strict father to all of them. And so, Mino and Hayi were very careful not to be found out.

He pulls her to the living room where his music equipment was. They quietly listen at first, and Hayi steals glances towards him to see his reaction. Mino’s eyes were closed. His fingers drumming to the beat, but his face remained stoic. And then a male voice sang, or rather rapped in the chorus. His eyes opened then he looked curiously at her. “Hanbin?”, he asked and Hayi nodded then he didn’t say more until the song finished.

“What do you think?”, she asked, hopeful but Mino seemed to be thinking about something else. “I actually laughed when I first heard it.”, she says when Mino remained quiet. “I remembered your song Fiance, the first line where you were knocking?”, she laughs. “It seems were both knocking on doors recently, eh?”

“Yeah…”, he says but she noticed that he didn’t laugh. “But I’ll always open the door for you.”, he says while his fingers caress her face. “This will be a hit.”, he smiles. “And you won’t be so lonely on stage because Hanbin will be with you.” Mino’s heart sank when she smiled and nodded. He was only speculating the possibility of Hanbin promoting with her, but he never thought that the company would let him.

“Actually, the president suggested that we do the promotions together.”, Hayi shares. “Hanbin has been depressed the past few days but he never really told anyone the reason. It seems that he wants to perform again but iKon’s songs haven’t been approved yet. So, the president thought that it would be good for him to be on stage with me.”

“How generous of him.”, Mino says, his tone serious and Hayi thought that he seemed displeased about something.

“I wish it was you.”, she says while looking down and fidgeting with her fingers. “But you’re preparing for your tour.”

“ to be me.”, he says but Hayi tugs on his shirt.

“Don’t say that.”, she says, her eyes questioning. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”, he sighs. Clearly, it will be upsetting for them both if he lets his jealousy over work hinder their time together. “Is this your first off day since working on your come back?”, he asks, and she nods. “What do you want to do?”

“Hmmm…I heard you have rehearsals. I passed by the studio and Seungyoon was there.” Hayi stood up and pinched his cheeks. “I’ll make something for you. You’re losing weight.”

“Really?”, Mino asked. “You’ll cook for me?”, he asked while Hayi already walked to their kitchen. He forgot all about his annoyance over Hanbin’s featuring while he watched her prepare food for him. “You seem overworked.”, Hayi notices while they ate. “You have that tv show, promotions for your album and you’re preparing for the tour. Do you even sleep? Mino, you have to take care of yourself.”

“Truth is, I can’t sleep at night.”, Mino admits.

“Worried?”, she asks, and he nods. “Well, I understand. And I know I can’t say anything that will ease that because I myself have felt it so many times. I wish I could go on tour with you.”

“We can do World Tour again.”, he suggests and Hayi laughs.

“Nah, they’d see right through us.”, she says. “I’m not so awkward around you anymore.”

“It’s the same with Hanbin, right?”, Mino says. “You’re very comfortable with him but no one says anything.”

“It’s only because we’re the same age.”, Hayi says. “Wait, are you jealous?” She raised a brow at him.

“I told you I can be very possessive.”, he says with a serious face.

“Yah, Song Mino!”

“Who was jealous because other girls came to my exhibit?”

“Don’t you reverse this!”, Hayi argues then they both laugh. “Please don’t be jealous of Hanbin.”, she adds. “He’s just a friend. You’re different.”

“Really?”, he smirks. “What am I?”, he teases.

“Even if were not official…”, Hayi starts and the smile on Mino’s face grew wider. “you are definitely more special.”

Weeks after that, the news about Hanbin’s scandal broke and Hayi was left to promote on her own. Though she felt sorry for his situation, Hanbin left them even before she could talk to him. “What do you mean he doesn’t work here anymore?”, Hayi asks her manager.

“He’s leaving YG Ent.”, the latter answers.

“You can’t be serious?”, Hayi shakes her head. “Where is he? I need to talk to him!”

“Hayi, he left.”, her manager argues and stops her from leaving the room.

“No, he won’t do that! Maybe I can change his mind!”, Hayi says and she pulls away from her manager’s hold but before she could leave the room, Mino came. He immediately hugs her. The manager could just look at them, thankful that Mino was around but dared not question why he was even embracing Hayi. “Please leave us first.”, she hears him say before the door closes again. Hayi felt secure in Mino’s arms so she let her tears fall while he comforted her.

“I heard what happened. I’m sorry, I just arrived today.”, he says.

“I don’t understand.”, Hayi says. “We were having fun on stage! My song was doing great! Then, he gets called out of promotions and all they said was it was the president’s orders! I didn’t even get to talk to him!”

“The president knows what’s best for you.”

“But it’s not true, right? He didn’t use any of it! Why are they doing this to him? This will destroy him, Mino.”

“You don’t know that.”, Mino says, worried. “No one knows that. You think Hanbin would let something like this ruin his dreams?”

He was as shocked when he found out about Hanbin’s scandal but the first thought that came to him that day was Hayi. What would happen to her stages? Will she be implicated in this? He has been reading reports about Hayi and her successful comeback, but they never wrote anything bad about her and that calmed him despite reading about their great chemistry. Of course, he was crazy jealous but knowing what Hanbin must be going through this time, he couldn’t be mad about it. His priority was Hayi and seeing her distraught over this made him weak inside.

“Have you talked with him?”, she asked. “Is he all right?”

“I talked with Bobby.”, Mino answered. “Hanbin didn’t say goodbye to anyone. They tried to call him but he’s not answering.”

“Why would he just leave?”, Hayi says and he was taken aback that she was now angry. “YG can protect him! He’s the president’s favorite, right? Leaving YG is a big mistake! He must realize this! Hanbin will be in big trouble!”

“Hey, you should stop.”, Mino says in a serious tone as more tears fall from her eyes. He wipes the tears away from her face and looks into her eyes and the worry in his, were so evident. “I know you’re upset but you’re going to get sick from this. You still have to do more stages.”

“Yes, and I’m doing it on my own!”, Hayi cries, her regret can’t be more obvious to Mino that he felt the green monster inside him claw its way out.

“Look, if you’d like for me to join you on stage, maybe I can persuade the president. If I’m on tour, maybe Bobby can do it. Someone can take Hanbin’s place. YG has a lot of rappers, surely you can find someone.”

But Hayi just shook her head then wiped her tears away. “I’m doing it on my own.”, she says with finality and looks Mino in the eye. “I don’t care if I have to do his rap. No one will replace Hanbin.”

Mino watched her on TV and Hayi kept her word. She performed on her own and did the rap part all by herself. There were times that he could sneak into her shows and he would watch her quietly, without her knowing that he was in the audience. One day, when they finished rehearsals early, he called her up but when she answered and he couldn’t mistake the slurring in her voice, he knew he should go to her.

Mino found her in her room, drinking soju all on her own. She was sitting on the floor and judging from the tissues around her, she has been crying. She smiled when she saw him and asked him if he wanted a drink. He took a can of beer from her fridge, which he noticed was stacked with 5 more beers and 2 more bottles of soju, before he joined her in the living room. “Did your manager buy you those drinks?”, he asks, his eyes on the 3 bottles of soju on the table. “I didn’t know you could drink.”

“On special occasions.” Hayi smiles and nods. “I couldn’t drink the beer. I never understood how Dara unnie likes it so much. I don’t like the taste, so I settled for Soju.”, she says. “My promotions have ended.”

“I heard.”, Mino says. “You did great, Lee Hi! Cheers!” She smiles and touches her glass to his can. “But you don’t look happy.”, he observed and Hayi just looks down. She probably didn’t think that he could see her tears even when she quickly wiped them away. Mino knew exactly what she was feeling, and he hated the anger that was brewing inside his heart.

“You miss him.”

“I don’t know, maybe I do.”, she admits, and Mino unconsciously fists his left hand, trying to suppress the jealousy he felt. “It feels like that time Taehyun left.”, she adds.

“That was different.”

“Maybe the circumstance was different, but it feels the same.”

“You weren’t this way when Taehyun left.”, Mino recalled.

“Yes, because I was too worried for you! I went looking for you, remember?”, Hayi disagrees. “But before I found you, I kept calling him, but he wasn’t answering. Taehyun was my friend too, just like Hanbin.”

Mino knew there was no point in arguing. He knew that it will just upset them both, so he tried to control his jealousy which was already filling up the brim. He needed some self-control.

“When I first started in YG, I remembered how Jiyong -oppa, Dara-unnie, Chaerin-unnie even Top-oppa…”, Hayi smiles at the recollection. “I remember how they took care of me and how I felt like I was really a part of a family. I looked forward to stages where I can join them, and I was most excited when I’m singing with 2ne1. But the family I knew then is so different from the family we have now. Bigbang had to enlist, 2ne1 has gone their separate ways that come to think of it, I am now one of the senior members of THIS family.”

“It was out of your control, Hayi. Look, if Hanbin didn’t do it, then he shouldn’t have left! But why did he? That was his decision! He is old enough to know what should be and what should not be done. As for Taehyun, he left because he wanted to, and we all have to move on!”

“Have you?”

“I have!”, Mino answers. Hayi looks at him, as if trying to find anything that will prove her that he was lying but Mino was firm. He understood now and accepted why Taehyun left. Mino knew how hard it was when he was in a different company and Taehyun didn’t know that yet. It was a jungle outside the comfort of YG. Yes, there was no freedom, but he took it graciously and worked hard on his music and his art and that proved to work to both their advantages. YG profited from him while he did what he loved to do best. Sure, there were songs rejected but it beats being rejected by the general public and Mino knew exactly how that felt!

He looked at her and Mino hated the look of helplessness that he was seeing in her. Was it really because of Hanbin? He empties his can then takes her bottle but when that was empty too, he got the 6 beers in the fridge. Hayi reached for a can as well and they drank in silence, just thankful for the company that each of them offered.

However, amidst that silence, there was a troubled heart and a weary soul. Mino knew his self-control was failing him now and he could only wish that the alcohol would shut him off from the world.

But it can’t.

Because the girl he loves was upset because of another guy.

“Why is it so hard for you? Is it because you were much closer to him?”, he asked, and she looks at him. “If Hanbin was only a friend, why are you so devastated?”, he adds without hiding his distaste. The alcohol was idling his sleepless and tired mind. “And don’t give me crap about family! You and I both know, we’re very different from what they were back then!”

“Mino…”, she starts but she couldn’t continue as fresh tears falls from her eyes.

“Or is it because you love him?”, he asks. “Be honest with me, Hayi.”

“What?”, she asks, dumbfounded. “Mino, stop it! It’s not like that!”

“Don’t give me crap about this being the same as when Taehyun left because it’s not! And it’s been weeks, Hayi!”, Mino met her gaze with the anger that he felt, crushing the can of beer in his hand. He stood up and Hayi thought that he was leaving but then, he turns back. “I’ve watched you on stage even if you didn’t know. I saw you do his parts just like you promised, as if telling the world, challenging it even, that Hanbin cannot be replaced!”

“It’s not like that!”, Hayi shouts back. “You’re drunk, please sit down.” Hayi holds his hand but he moves away, as if he didn’t want to be touched.

“Maybe I am drunk, and I hope I am.”

“I don’t love him, okay!”, Hayi says loudly but he just shook his head. “Look, you’re not thinking clearly. Mino, you’re the only man in my life right now so please, don’t do this!”

“How did you expect me to feel, exactly?”, he asks. “You’ve been crying for someone else for weeks and I should what? Just accept it or maybe cry with you?”

“I thought you’d understand! Hanbin was like a brother to you too, right?”

Mino couldn’t stop the anger anymore and he knew he had to leave before he’d say anything that he will regret. He turns but Hayi hugs him from behind to stop him. “Please, Mino. It’s not like that.”

“Sorry, Hayi.”, Mino pries her arms away from his waist. “I should go, and you should sleep. Maybe when you wake up, you’ll know where your feelings truly stand.”

“No!”, she says strongly then clings to him. “You’re angry. I don’t want you to go when you’re upset!” Mino stopped moving, her cries were like thorns pricking his heart and the worst part is, he’s the cause of it. He sighs then turns to embrace her, her tears soaking his shirt. He closes his eyes to calm himself down. “I’m not angry anymore.” She looks up to see his face then he wipes away her tears.

“You’re not?”, she asks, doubtful. “You have to believe me. I told you you’re much more special!”

“Really?”, he asks, his voice deep and serious, his thumb running through her lips, and she nods. “Then kiss me.”, he says and so she stands on her toes and pulls him down, to touch her lips to his for a chaste kiss however, Mino wanted more. He opens his mouth and touches his tongue to her lips, coaxing them to open and when she kissed him back, he held her tightly against his body. He heard her moan softly when he pulls away. “We have to breathe…”, he explains then kisses her forehead. He leans on the wall, her body held tightly against him. Her response made his knees weak and even though he wanted more, he had to stop for he didn’t want her to do anything that she might regret tomorrow. Maybe she even only kissed him to pacify him and he prayed that that was not the case.

“I hope you kissed me like that because you really wanted to and not because you wanted to prove your point.”

Then Hayi slaps him, hurt at the accusation that she was only reciprocating the kiss because of guilt. And Mino knew that he was a bastard for saying those words.

End flashback

He never said anything after that.

And they never saw each other again, after that.

“Tick…tock…tick…tock…”

“Cut that out, Mino hyung!”, Seungyoon irately says. “If you’re tired, you can go home.”

“I can’t sleep so I’d rather stay.”, Mino sighs.

“Why don’t you try reading a book?” Seungyoon suggests while typing on his ipad. “I’m trying to write a song here.”

“Fine, I’ll go.”, Mino stands up. “Jinwoo hyung must be sleeping by now.”

“So, no v-lives.”, Seungyoon smirked. “I know you do it for her.” Mino pouts. “Sometimes, you make me cringe.”

“Everyone who knows me enough guessed that it was for her, except for her.”

“Did she say that to you?”, Seungyoon says without looking up at Mino. “Don’t assume something you don’t know, Song Mino. Just talk to her already if you miss her. It’s not like we’re getting in your way. Just, you know, don’t get caught.”

“Easier said than done.” Mino mutters before leaving Seungyoon. He found himself at the exit stairwell and so he lit a cigarette while watching the city lights.

After that day she slapped him, Mino never found the courage to talk to her again. He knew it was his fault! And he knew why he couldn’t help being jealous. Because he couldn’t grasp the thought of other guys being close to Hayi! Because he wanted the girl all to himself even when he knew he couldn’t claim her all to himself. As long as they had to hide, he had no right and it was frustrating!

“Arggggh!”, Mino couldn’t stop himself.

“Yah!”, a reprimand echoed over his voice then he turned to find Kwon Jiyong by the stairs, also lighting a cigarette. Mino bowed low to him but Jiyong told him to stand. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m just frustrated.” Mino admits. He was completely caught. “Long time no see, hyung.” Jiyong just nods. He grinned then turned to Mino. “So, why are you acting like a demented ?”

“I’m jealous, I guess. No, I was really jealous, and I let my temper get the best of me.”, Song Mino dropped his head into his arms.

“I’m glad you still have time to date even with a full schedule.”, Jiyong says, surprised at Mino’s honesty. “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t tell. I’m assuming it’s a girl, ayt?”

Mino nods. “We’re not really in a relationship yet but there’s this understanding between us if you know what I mean?” Mino tries to explain and Jiyong nods. “She’s pretty close to other guys and it’s not like I can stop it, I mean, she’s right, we’re not even official and she tries to assure me but here I am, being an .” Mino sighs and Jiyong just pats his back.

“You can never be official while you’re in this business.” Jiyong advises. “Do you think that if I came out and told everyone about who I love, I’d still be this popular?”

“But didn’t you say that you have a girlfriend on tv before?”

“Yeah, I thought that I had to say something believable at least. You know me, I don’t conform to the norm. So, I revealed that I have a girlfriend, but I could never say her name if I wanted to maintain the little peace in our life. Besides, she wants to keep her personal life, private. It’s a curse of showbiz, Song Mino. You are personified as an ideal guy for people who admire you so much, to the point that they become obsessive and act like they own you.” Jiyong paused to smoke and smiled at what he just said. “That’s a pretty good line to a song, don’t you think?” Mino laughed and agreed.

Kwon Jiyong watched the young artist as he blew on his cigarette. He was still so young in this industry and he still must learn a lot but perhaps, he needed some guidance about matters of the heart for who could he possibly tell it to? He remembered telling s before but that was necessary because he needed limitations for sometimes, he could lose control; as well as, allies that will help him sneak off to see his girl. But what about Mino? Does Winner know? If he trusted his friends outside of YG, then perhaps its fine to tell them. But what if it gets out? Surely, they didn’t need a scandal now.

But Jiyong also sensed that the young rapper was a capable artist. He’d probably rise from the ashes like a phoenix if he ever did get to an all-time low.

“You got a point, Hyung. What you said makes perfect sense. She also said that when I confessed. She didn’t believe that I had genuine feelings for her. I’m now stereotyped as someone who’d probably like girls who have swag or models, or those pretty ones who wears clothes that makes you wonder why they even bothered to put anything on; and it doesn’t help that my image has given off that vibe!”

“But that’s not what you want?” Jiyong asked and Mino nodded. Jiyong smiled, pleased that he found a kindred spirit in Song Mino. “I completely understand.” Then, Jiyong laughed thinking of the times he ridiculed others who said that they were the same. 

“Why?” Mino asked when Jiyong couldn’t seem to stop laughing.

“Another word of advice…” Jiyong holds his shoulder. “Tell Winner, they probably need to know just in case you slip then at least they can cover for you and you know, tell her. Just tell her! Like, be honest with what you feel! If you’re like jealous or something, then tell her. If you’re about to do something that will anger her, tell her in advance and apologize if you need to. If she is in the same business, which I think she is, she will understand and maybe, you can hold onto each other for a long time.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.” Jiyong beamed and laughed. “I can’t believe I’m the one giving this advice to you considering I never really did those things until I lost her. But when I learned, and I accepted the wrongs I’ve done, she took me back and loved me even more. It really all boils down to one, Mino. Be honest to her. You would be surprised. Perhaps she’ll consider your feelings too.”

“Even if I tell her that I don’t want her to accept kiss scenes with someone? Or even if I tell her that I don’t like stages where she features another male artist? You think that’s rational?”

“It wouldn’t hurt to try. Yes, it sounds petty but that’s human nature.” Jiyong nods. “Picture this, you tell her not to take any kiss scenes because it drives you crazy, but then again, you must also think before you do your own kiss scenes. How do you think did she feel? I know you had a lot.” Jiyong laughed before he took one last puff of smoke then kills his cigar. “But then again, maybe your generation are more open, then maybe you need to be more understanding, but it wouldn’t hurt to say what you feel.”

“We just had a fight. I was jealous and I acted on that, that I even questioned OUR kiss. I told her that I hope she kissed me because she wanted to and not because she’s trying to prove that she didn’t like the other guy.”

“She slapped you after that?”, Jiyong asked and Mino nodded. “Good for you.” Mino looked at his senio