I’m stuck.

Not in a literal sense. But i’m still stuck.

 

I thought it was okay. I thought I had it under control, i guess. I… don’t know what i thought.

 

I just can’t anymore. I can’t lie to me. I’m in love with my best friend. And I don’t know what to do about it. Should I tell him or should I try to forget it? I hate myself for being in that situation.

 

I thought it was only in the movies. I thought it was always cheesy fiction. I’ve never been so much wrong.

 

Let me explain.

 

My name is Hannah. I’m 26 y/o and I live in Seoul. I moved here few years ago as I was looking to travel and try new things.

 

I was 20 back then. Young and stupid. The first night after I moved in my appartment, I went in a club downtown. I thought meeting new people would be good for me. I was kinda right.

 

I met a man who would change my life.

 

Strangely, I don’t even remember his name. Let’s call him The stranger.

 

The stranger was kinda attractive. He noticed I was alone at the bar and came to speak to me. After few words in Korean, he noticed I wasn’t so fluent in his language so he tried to speak with me in English. He wasn’t too bad. He seems nice.

 

Did I say I was young and naive? Yes? Mm…

 

He offered me few drinks and after a while I was more than drunk. I had trouble walking and I was laughing hysterically every minutes or so. I remember he was tall. And pretty.

 

I fell easily for pretty face.

 

He asked me to go to his place. I remember I thought about it seriously. I mean, it wouldn’t be my first relationship. But I don’t even know this dude. I never did “this” kind of this. One night stand. I’m more the long-time style.

 

I finally refused.

 

The thing is - he didn’t care about my opinion. He grabbed my hand and try to bring me outside of the club. I fought but it was difficult, my vision was blurry and I had trouble walking straight. I remember I felt the cold of the wind. I was still hoping someone would help me. I was so stupid. This stranger was about to bring me to his flat without my consent and I wasn’t able to do anything about it.

A moment after, the stranger dropped my wrist. I felt on the ground. I hurt myself - I still have a small scar to remind me about it.

 

I heard shout. I heard noise but I don’t remember everything. A moment after, a man talked to me in a broken English.

- You… Okay?

 

I was holding my wrist, I didn’t know what to do.

 

-Mam? I… He is gone now. You need help?

 

As I was unable to say anything back, he touched my hand. I quickly reacted without thinking. I slapped him.

 

-Yah!

 

He was surprised, but he stayed calm. His voice was reassuring.

 

-Mam, I’m not him. I’m… Lee Seung Hoon. Is your hand hurting? I can bring you to the hospital if you need to.

 

I finally look at him. He was young. About my age. He had braces. He was kinda cute. And mostly, he seems true. He seems to want to help me for real.

 

He looked in my eyes, he smiled.

 

I felt tears building up in my eyes. I didn’t like to cry. Not in front of strangers. I felt so stupid. So. Stupid. I bitted my lips.

 

-Yah… Don’t cry, araso? I’m here. I’m here to help you. Don’t… Ash…

 

My wrist was hurting, but my head was worst. I felt like dying.

 

I finally spoke. Tears rolling down my cheeks.

 

-I … don’t know what I thought… I… I’m stupid…

 

Slowly, he putted his hand on my face, wiping my tears one by one. He didn’t say anything. He just stayed with me. After a moment, he help me walking to the nearest hospital.

 

I didn’t had anything other than a big cut.

 

Seung Hoon walked with me to my home. I didn’t want to let him inside my home. He understood. He gave me his number and told me to text or call him tomorrow.

 

I did.

 

It was the first time I met Seung Hoon.

 

Back then, I didn’t know I would fall so hard for him. He was kinda cute. But he wasn’t really a man in my thought. He was a friend.

 

--------------------------------

 

One year later, he appeared in the tv show K-Pop star. I cheer for him, like any other friends we had. I already knew Seung Hoon was talented. I was really proud my friend appearance on TV.

 

When he finally lost, I was backstage. My heart was hurting for him. He worked so hard for his dream. It was unfair.

 

After the show, our friends and I walked Seung Hoon back to his home. We knew he wanted to be alone for a while. But we couldn’t let him like that.

 

My Korean was almost fluent now. I didn’t had much problem talking to him and our friends. Sometimes i missed few words but they noticed it and explain it to me.

 

As we thought, Seung Hoon asked us to leave him. That he needed the night alone. My heart was hurting a lot when he closed the door. I didn’t know why back then. I think I know now.

 

I didn’t see him for few days. Then he finally texted me.

 

- Noona… Wanna do something with me today?

 

I bitted my lips, smiling. Finally. Finally he was able to see someone. Maybe he was feeling better?

 

-Yes of course. Anything you want. Where do you want to go?

 

I quickly put a sunflower dress and a jacket.

 

-Nowhere. I just want to see you. I miss you.

 

I smiled.

 

-I miss you too, babo. I’m coming now, araso? You better not be in pajamas when I’ll arrive.

 

I took a bus. Seung Hoon lived downtown in the smallest appartment ever. He lived alone. I lived about 20 mins in bus outside of the city. He knew it would take me a while to be there.

 

I stopped in a coffee shop before I knocked at this door.

 

He answered. My heart stopped for a moment, then it hurted even more than before.

What happened to my Seung Hoon?

 

-Yah! What… Did you eat in the last days? Did you wash? How can… You can’t do that. You can’t do that to yourself…

 

I quickly pushed him inside his house and close the door. Without thinking, I hugged him. He didn’t moved.

 

He had the biggest eyes bags I ever saw. He clearly lost few pounds and he looked miserable in general.

 

His voice was soft.

 

-I’m.. I’m okay now Noona. Don’t worry.

- How can I believe you? Did you look at yourself?

- I’m okay now. You are here.

 

My heart was still hurting and I was becoming angry without knowing the reason.

 

- You should take care of yourself even when I’m not around, babo. Araso? Swear it to me. Swear it to me now.

 

He finally putted his hand around my waist. He putted his head on my shoulder and sight.

 

-Ne. I swear.

 

------------------------

 

About one month after, he call everybody for a meet up in a restaurant.

 

He seems hysterical. He was a lot better than the other day. He made me smile without thinking. Just seeing him happy made me happy.

 

-Guys… I got a phone call from YG. I signed with them this afternoon !

 

We all shouted of excitement.

 

-YAH! Jinja? You deserve it bro!

-Woah, You’ll be like the next G-Dragon!

- Woah

 

Our friends were excited for him. I was too. But… for some reason, my chest was hurting a little. As if it was stuck. As if I was unsure I wanted this.

 

We all drank and spoke all night long. I mostly stay quiet. I didn’t know what to say to him. Congratulation for your dreams - you won’t be able to see me anymore? I felt this was childish. I didn’t have the right to being like that.

 

At the end of the night, Seung Hoon came to speak to me, alone.

 

-Yah, you are awfully quiet tonight. Is there something wrong?

-Ani… Congratulation for tonight, Hoonie.

 

I tried to smile. He looked at me, seriously.

 

-Yah, jinja.. What’s wrong noona? I never saw you with such a big fake smile. What happened?

-N..Nothing. I’m just tired I guess.

 

He looked at me a moment, without saying anything. He then hugged me.

 

-If you say so, I believe you. Remember I’m always there for you, right?

 

I chuckled.

 

-It’s you that should remember it now.

 

He looked at me again. I looked at the ground, ashamed of what I just said.

 

-Is that why you are like that? Because you think I’ll forget about you?

 

I sighed.

 

-Noona… Don’t be like that. I need you. Araso? I’ll never forget you.

 

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was because I was tired. Maybe it was both. My heart was hurting so much. I was afraid. Afraid of losing my best friend. Afraid of losing him because of other celebrities. Beautiful celebrities.

 

Tears started to appears. Seung Hoon stayed calm.

 

-Yah… Seriously… Are you that afraid I’ll forget about you? You are hurting my feelings you know. Just.. Just wait, arasso? I’ll walk you home..

 

I heard him talking to our friends, then he came back with my jacket. He putted it on my shoulder.

 

-There. Come with me.

-Hm…

 

We stay silent for most of the walk.

 

-You do you even think I’ll forget about you? Do you know me? Do you know what you represent for me? I don’t think you do.

-Ash… Shut up babo… I know you will become busy and you will meet a lot of new really awesome people.

-I’ll always keep few hours for you.

-You are being nice and cheesy right now but I know it will changes.

-Nothing will. And if it changes, I hope it changes for something better.

-Whatever…

 

He sighed. We were in front of his appartment.

 

-Can I bring you home?

-Ani. It will takes forever for you to come back. You know there is no bus to come back before tomorrow morning.

-And…. Ash…. Can… Can I still bring you home, or not?

 

I didn’t understood why he was so insistent. I mean, we were in front of his flat. The bus was far away and it took so long to get to my house. I didn’t want him to come back with me for no reason.

 

-I don’t think it’s a good idea. I need to think. I’m sorry i made you felt that way. It was childish.

 

I saw him bite his lips without saying anything. He seems… hurted? I would never understood that man.

 

-Okay then. Wanna… Wanna come to my place then? You can sleep he-

-It’s alright. I’ll go home now. See you another time Hoonie.

 

I walked back without looking at him again. My chest was hurting so bad. I didn’t understood why, back then. I do now.

 

-----