January 27th, 2016 ㅡ

Untitled

Entry Four

Damsels in distress saved from fire-breathing dragons by knights in shining armor: that is love.

Fairy tales so often misconceive the concept of love.

Not everyone wishes upon a star, attends a royal ball, lives happily ever after. Not everyone gets the pixie dust, the magic wand, the glass slippers. Not everyone kisses a prince, sings with animals, transforms into a new being. It simply doesn’t work like that in the real world.

So why do people keep teaching the future generation so?

Why plant a seed of false hope in a bright child, only for it to be squashed under the shoe of a heartless tyrant?

×××××

151101

Kyungsoo has always had a sixth sense for remembering things about Jongin. What flavor soda he frequents on Friday nights, what scent of Calvin Klein cologne he spritzed on himself in high school, what his dance instructor’s name was in 2007. You name it, Kyungsoo knows it.

So why is it that he so often forgoes the thought of his fiance when he bows down to Yifan, a complete stranger up until a few months ago? What role besides a scandalous, tabloid-worthy affair does the Chinese foreigner hold in his life? Are a few nights of taking it up the really worth the consequence of sacrificing his long-time best friend and lover? What is he doing right now? Where did it go wrong? What happened to trusting each other forever?

A migraine plagues his mind as Kyungsoo battles with his mental berating and barrage of questions.

If only he and Jongin never walked into the cafe to meet Yifan once upon a time. Life wouldn’t be so full of disastrous secrets.

Jongin naps with his head in his lap, and Kyungsoo slithers his fingers through soft locks. It reminds him of their birthday celebration earlier in the year. Why can’t things be like that again? The growing distance between them is hardly subtle, and Chanyeol never fails to make it known with an obnoxious remark.

It’s become suffocating, knowing what grave sins he’s committing, and having to keep them from someone he once believed he could trust anything with. But the pricking at the back of Kyungsoo’s skull suggests that it can’t be any better on Jongin. If anything, it’s likely it affects him more. He hasn’t a clue what he’d done wrong - doesn’t even know that he’s done nothing wrong. All he knows is his fiance, the love of his life, is slowly slipping through his grasp like putty. There isn’t much else he can do besides his failed efforts to try to stop it. He’s taken the backseat, since it’s become crystal clear that Kyungsoo desires no help of any kind with his parasitic problems from him. Kyungsoo sees it too. He sees the helplessness in Jongin’s eyes every time he excuses himself to go to work, every time he turns down the offer to talk about his “issues”, every time he comes back home rugged and exhausted from something other than easy barista work. Jongin is at a loss and only prays that a God he doesn’t pledge faith to will have mercy and bring his darling back to him; Kyungsoo hears the soft mumbling and sniffles at night when he pretends to be asleep.

A snore startles Kyungsoo out of his musing.

He chuckles, moving his hand to Jongin’s cheek.

How could he have given this up? The flustered freshman who befriended him six years back. The fourteen year old boy who made him question his ual orientation. The one person who became his first and only love. The young man whom he willingly lost his ity to. The dancer he proposed to, down on a knee and with the promise of an eternity together. Where did it all go?

Kyungsoo’s thumb is mid-cheek when Jongin lets out a whine and starts squirming to life.

“Good morning, sleepyhead,” Kyungsoo tilts his head to get a better look at his groggy prince.

Jongin rubs the sleep from his eyes, “Why didn’t you wake me? I’ve gone and slept half the day away.”

“Oh, hush. You’ve only been out for an hour.”

“But still,” he pouts, “You’re here with me and I fell asleep. I want to maximize the time I have with you.”

Somehow, the statement sounds accusatory and detrimental in Kyungsoo’s ears.

“Lie to him,” the devil on his shoulder snarls as he panics internally.

“What are you talking about, Nini? We have forever to be together.”

“I-I know, I didn't mean that. I just miss you being around, that’s all.”

In his eyes, that faraway gaze he’s been favoring lately appears again.

“Go ahead Kyungsoo, keep lying. You see his face, go ahead and do it once more,” this time the angel speaks, disappointment evident.

“In that case, why don’t we go out tonight?”

Jongin turns brighter than all Christmas lights of the country combined.

“Really? This is so exciting!”

“Yes, really. It’ll be great.”

“What are we doing?”

“What would you like to do?”

“Honestly, Soo, anything we do would more than satisfy me.”

“Oh, come on. You deserve more than just anything.”

Especially since I’m putting you through this hurricane.

“Then in that case…”

In a matter of milliseconds, the pair are zooming out the door, donning attire of a similar autumnal color scheme. Their scarves flap in the wind as they rush like fallen leaves to their to-be-determined destination, noses tinged pink and cheeks glowing under the sun. The weather is just under harsh today, but the radiance from Heaven above has mercy on their ungloved hands. Love has never looked so ironically untainted.

Jongin’s fingers lace with Kyungsoo’s to tug him forward by slight force. It feels nice to finally be in control of at least something small in his life. Now as their hair whips around and slaps their faces, he realises he has no blueprint - no clue where to go or what to do. He didn’t even think to grab their wallets or phones in the midst of scrambling out of that cripplingly depressing apartment. All Jongin’s got on call is Kyungsoo, a beating heart, and a desire to enjoy this rare time with the love of his life.

They slow to a stop and walk until they can regain their breath.

Though he’s thoroughly enjoying every last drop of water Kyungsoo’s gives him, Jongin’s curiosity is piqued.

“Soo, can I ask you a question?”

Little does he know, that simple seven-word sentence causes mountains of rupture inside the other.

Kyungsoo anxiously fiddles with his thumbs.

He grinds his teeth, and instantly Jongin keys in.

“You’re nervous? What’s wrong?”

“I’m not nervous. What are you going on about, Jongin?” He chuckles, shoulders tense.

“If you say so,” Jongin brushes the topic off, but remains suspicious. No need to ruin the afternoon before it’s started. “But I still want to ask something.”

Kyungsoo gulps, “Go ahead, love.”

You filthy cheat.

“Why all of a sudden did you want to go out today?”

The lack of a reply makes for an uncomfortable silence that neither of the pair want to put up with.

“I mean, I’m not complaining. I’m just… wondering. That’s all.”

“Yeah, I know. I just thought you deserved a day out. We haven’t been on a date in a while, so I wanted to do something with you.”

A toothy grin smacks itself on Jongin’s face.

“You’re so sweet, you know that? I love you.”

Lie to him.

“I love you too, Nini.”

The rest of the day is spent scurrying around various sidewalks and acting as children playing hide and seek behind trees of amber, auburn, and apricot. It’s the most fun Kyungsoo’s had in months. It’s the most in love he’s been in months. And when they get home, it’s the most intimate with Jongin he’s been in months.

He’s never felt worse.

×××××

151127

“Soo!” Jongin whisper-yells to the end of the hall. “Get your over here!”

From their bedroom comes a sleepy groan.

"Nini, he’s not even awake yet.”

From his spot in front of Chanyeol’s door, Jongin stomps his foot angrily. He did not spend his beauty sleep hours perfecting a cake that wouldn’t poison the three of them for nothing. He balances the delicacy in one arm and frustratedly glares at the wood. In eight heavy steps, he readies his brigade for attack. Once in the doorway to his own room, he openly glares at the lazy on the bed, under his finely chosen sheets.

“Do Kyungsoo, if you don’t haul yourself out of that bed, your is in trouble!” He hisses dangerously.

Sensing the serious threat, Kyungsoo’s eyes instantly open.

“Alright, alright! I’m up, Jongin!”

“Then you better be in position, just like we practiced, in promptly fifteen seconds,” Jongin orders as he returns to Chanyeol.

Reluctantly heaving himself up onto his haunches, Kyungsoo slaps himself half-awake.

“If only you hadn’t spent so much time bent over against the counter last night,” he reprimands himself.

Encounters with Yifan have started happening so often, there’s no chance for going back. He’s accepted his ludicrous fate. From their date at the beginning of the month, his relationship with Jongin has been rebuilding itself progressively. But it’s not like anything has been fixed. Kyungsoo’s just become a certified expert in lying.

“Kyungsoo!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming!”

Five minutes and a quick choreography rehearsal later, Jongin deems them ready.

“Remember, Soo. Right, right, left, right.”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s just do this .”

Kyungsoo knocks three times, concise and timed.

There’s no answer.

“What?”

“He’s probably out cold. Just go in. We’ll surprise him.”

“Fine, but-”

“What do you think you’re doing?”

The voice startles them to death. Kyungsoo shrieks and falls to the ground, while Jongin nearly drops the cake when steadying himself against the wall.

Chanyeol towers tall behind them, a brow quirked in question.

“Chanyeol! What the , man!”

“Excuse me?”

“What are you doing out here?”

“Am I not allowed to be awake? It’s already seven o’clock.”

“You’re usually not awake until eleven!”

“Um.”

“Do you know how much I prepared for this?” Jongin wails.

“I-”

“I bet you didn’t know he didn’t sleep at all just to bake something edible.”

“I’m so-”

“No! I’m not standing for this! I won’t accept half-assed apologies just because you feel obligated! Don’t think that you don’t have to respect others because it’s your birthday. You don’t get that kind of special privilege!”

“Yeah, you stupid giant!”

“Woah, woah, woah. Chill out, children.”

Chanyeol gently ushers them away from his body.

“Chill out?”

“We will not chill out.”

“Jonginnie, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t call me that,” Jongin huffs and turns away to place the cake somewhere safe from his wrath.

Kyungsoo follows after, “Yeah, don’t call him that.”

Chanyeol thinks Kyungsoo looks awfully annoying and childish with his tongue out like that. Since when did he become the most mature?

“Anyways, I think I’m going to shower. Um, have fun with whatever it is you were planning to do,” he rushes the words out of his mouth and slams the bathroom door shut, eager to save himself from the combined destruction of KaiSoo.

In the kitchen, Jongin exclaims, “This idiot! I do so much for him and he ruins it all!”

“He’s just a loaf of bread. Unsliced.”

“We can’t waste the cake like this. It’s not going to be as fluffy or moist if we stick it in the refrigerator.”

A mischievous glint shimmers in Kyungsoo’s eyes.

“I have a proposal to make.”

“Oh?” Jongin smirks.

“In response Birthday Boy’s mistake, why don’t we simply eat it without him?”

“Ah!” The younger brightens up with the new revelation.

“We made sure he knew just how much time you spent on this, yet he went to take a shower anyways.”

“You’re right, you absolute genius.”

Jongin grabs two glasses from the cabinet and pours them half-full with milk.

“With the wise words of Marie Antoinette, let them eat cake.”

“And eat cake they shall.”

Kyungsoo and Jongin laugh, clinking their forks together, pinkies up.

From the bathroom - either because the couple is much louder than need be or because his ears are superhuman - Chanyeol bangs his head on white tile in exhaustion.

“Lord, have mercy. Prepare me for what’s in store.”

When Chanyeol switches the knob off, makes himself presentable, and shapes up for Greeting KaiSoo: Take 2, the younger couple are munching happily on what smells awfully alike to his birthday cake.

“Is that?”

“Yes, it is.”

“You bet it is.”

All he can do is stand there, captured in disbelief.

“You know what, I’m not even going to ask.”

Jongin shrugs, “That’s probably the best idea.”

“What are we doing today?”

his spoon clean, Kyungsoo scoffs.

“It’s not like we planned the entire day around you.”

“Well, technically, I did. But after this morning’s fiasco, I no longer have the heart.”

Calm and collected, he blows a raspberry at the older.

Chanyeol rolls his eyes.

“Such children,” he sighs and pulls on a cap and jacket.

“Where are you going?”

“Does it matter to you?” He claps back at Kyungsoo.

“Guess not.”

“I swear, you two are insufferable.”

Chanyeol shuts the front door and shakes his head.

“We just love you a lot!” Jongin, ever pure, hollers.

“Should we follow him?”

“Is that even a question?”

And so the journey begins.

After some careful stalking and disgraced looks from strangers on the street, Kyungsoo and Jongin halt.

“It appears that Park Chanyeol’s first birthday destination is the Hong’s flower shop.”

“Interesting choice.”

“Why would he need flowers? It’s his birthday.”

“Who knows? We’ve gotta remember how eccentric he is. This is a normal thing for that alien.”

More snooping around leads to Chanyeol purchasing a new guitar at Guitar Center.

“Kyungsoo? Why is he buying another one?”

“Don’t ask me. I thought Marley and Leo were completely fine.”

“This is unorthodox.”

“Affirmative.”

“But really, what in the world could he need a brand new guitar for?”

“God only knows, Jongin. God only knows.”

The next stop is five miles away from the town square buzz, where Chanyeol originally strolled around.

“What the is wrong with Chanyeol? Why didn’t he take a car? My feet are killing me!” Kyungsoo complains.

“I know, I’m so tire- Kyungsoo, look! He’s sitting down!”

The oldest does indeed sit. He perches himself against the large trunk of a tree. The flowers rest as they are gently placed beside him. Chanyeol unhooks the clips on the case for the guitar and tunes it by ear; he’s always had a knack for perfect pitch. The next thing he does is quite odd.

“Is Chanyeol talking to himself?” Jongin examines him closely, baffled.

The two inquisitives steadily trek their way to the older, hiding themselves behind broken branches and makeshift leaf helmets.

Once within approximately ten meters distance, they tune in to Chanyeol’s melancholy soliloquy.

“It’s been awhile since we’ve spoken. Hasn’t it, love?” He stops and reclines his head against the bark of the willow.

“Will we ever meet again? I feel like I’m crumbling under the pain of you no longer being by my side. I thought the worst of it was over when I was able to make it out of the house without sobbing. It seems though, that I made a false assumption. When Kyungsoo and Jongin were still having their lovers’ dispute - whatever it was - it was much easier to cope. Perhaps it was malicious logic, but it comforted me to know that at least I wasn’t the only one hurting. Now though, since they’ve repaired what they needed, I’m all alone again.

It was wrong of me to presuppose we’d be together forever.

Did I pressure you? Was that it? Did I make you feel trapped, like you had no other choice? Who was I to make you feel so obligated? Why didn’t I see it on Valentine’s Day? Why couldn’t I recognize it?

Why am I so stupid?

I’m so pathetic, hoping that if I returned to this place where I confessed to you, you’d come back.

This is reality, not some fantasy where you can appear out of thin air. No sacrifice, no offering, no serenade or bouquet of floral arrangements can bring you back. Believing it was possible was a foolish thought of mine.

I don’t blame you. If somewhere out there, you’re feeling guilty, please don’t be. Our relationship always valued freedom, didn’t it? I’d be going against our shared morals if I kept you with me against your will. So I’m glad you were strong and independent enough to make that decision for yourself… Even if I hoped you would have talked to me about it prior to then.

But still, I don’t hate you.

No, I could never hate you.

You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. To that lanky, stressed out student you met in the market.

In a way, I am thankful for the boost of maturity your absence has given me. I grew up; realised that eternal happiness can’t always be a thing. That hardships will come with life.

I’m retiring Marley and Leo today.

I associate too many memories of you with them. My fingers itch to pluck at him, but when I think of you singing along the first time you urged me to play Leo for you, they are scalded by his strings. Even without her beside me now, I can’t even bring myself to imagine Marley in my mind. You were the one who so cautiously chose her for me. How can I continue picking at the scar by resting her on my lap again. It would be like holding you, but not quite.

So I bought a new guitar. She’s a sleek, glossy black. Her name is Luna.”

Chanyeol stops to strum a few patterns, forming chords with every move of his fingers.

“Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

I feel as though something is missing. I can’t quite place it.”

His eyebrows furrow in concentration and solicitude. “What is it? What is it? I don’t know what it is! What is it!”

At the sudden bout of panic, Jongin rises to console their best friend.

“Jongin, no.”

“Soo! He’s about to have an anxiety attack! Look at him! We’ve gotta calm him down.”

“No, Jongin. He has to overcome it. This is the only way he’ll move on and become stronger.”

Hesitantly, Jongin recoils, nodding his head and heeding to Kyungsoo’s words.

“I think- Baek, I think it’s you,” Chanyeol whispers, voice full of devastation. “It’s you. Your voice is missing.”

The only sound in the wind is the crisp crinkling of leaves, the bristle of the breeze, and Chanyeol’s wheezing.

“I miss you, love. I miss you like the sun misses the moon. I miss you like a moth misses a flame. I miss you like a runner misses the track.

I just want to know why.

Why did you leave? Why can’t I find you? Why am I still so hung up?

I know I’ll never fall out of love with you, but one day I hope I’ll be able to proclaim it from the rooftops once more without breaking down into a mess of tangled emotions.”

And the volume of his cries subside as tears silently slip down his reddened cheeks.

“Come,” Kyungsoo gestures to Jongin.

As if they were approaching a lone deer in the woods, they very laggardly make their presence known to Chanyeol.

“Hey, Yeol.”

He looks up, frightened at his vulnerability.

“I-I’m-”

“It’s okay,” Jongin hushes him, gathering his long limbs and all and squeezing. “You’re going to be alright.”

Overwhelmed, Chanyeol begins to sob again.

Kyungsoo soothes the shaking of his body by rubbing his back in comfort.

“Come on, Chanyeol. We’ll take care of you.”

When later that night Kyungsoo checks in for a shift with Minseok at the cafe, he does a lot of reflecting.

Today’s angst-filled events acted as a wake up call.

The effect of Kyungsoo’s every traitorous action with Yifan behind Jongin’s back was shown pretty evidently. How easily he could wreck his fiance, if only he found out about his affair. He’d always known something horrible would happen if somehow word got to Jongin that he betrayed his trust, but the day’s occurrences made everything real. These things happen, and they very well could happen to him. There are consequences to his choices. Karma is sure to bite him in the , it’s simply a matter of time.

It doesn’t take much more for Kyungsoo to realise he’s being chased by an hourglass that measures an elapsed time unknown to him.

×××××

151130

A lot can happen in a year.

On the outside, it doesn’t look like much has changed in the last dozen months. However, Kyungsoo is well aware that’s not the case. If anything, no stone has been left unturned; everything has changed in some way. Pain somewhere along the way melded into one body with Pleasure. For the better or for the worse, he no longer can differentiate between the two. He’s become desensitized to his own lies, being able to rattle off a random excuse without a thought in his brain at all. Kyungsoo doesn’t doubt that his sins will crucify him eventually, but the ride there has been much too thrilling to stop now.

Twelve months ago, Kyungsoo was head over heels in love with the college freshman of his dreams. He kept the emotions locked away in his heart, but with the help of Chanyeol’s stupidity and Jongin’s straightforwardness, they were released into the world with a sweet aroma and displays of fireworks. On that day, all those weeks ago, Kyungsoo never prophesied something, not even a supernatural force, could come between them. He definitely never believed it would be him to mess everything up.

Kyungsoo was always so infatuated, but look where he is now.

He sighs, starkly contrasting the high energy and joy that should be felt upon reaching a major relationship milestone: the first full year.

Jongin’s got classes stacked all over each other today, and had to cancel the candlelit, rose-petaled dinner Kyungsoo’s agenda planned to accomplish by the end of the night. For once, the roles are reversed, and it doesn’t feel so great.

How often has Jongin stayed silent and resigned for the sake of their stability?

Struggling to remain aloof to his own crisis, Kyungsoo grunts to himself.

Here’s to a night alone.

A night, compared to Jongin’s extensive repertoire of many.

---

a/n: so she returns! honestly, i never really was going to finish posting this. but i want to get back in touch w my writing. so hopefully when all of this fic is actually put up, i can go back and revise the heck out of it. there are things i am less than proud of. ((also there may be a companion fic to this ;))))