I watch as you walk down the aisle, looking as beautiful as ever. You’re walking towards me, step by step ever so carefully each time. I can’t help but let the smile spread across my face. I almost reach my hand out to you until I remember… You aren’t walking towards me. You’re walking towards someone else… I continue watching as you walk by, your eyes set in front of you, not even sparing me a short glance.

I fake a smile on my face, just to look as if I am congratulating you for your marriage… I watch as you make your vows with your husband-to-be and all I can think is… Why not me? I feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I force them away. I came to congratulate you not to cry over my painful regrets.

I remember when I you called me, telling me with a shaking voice that you were getting married. I remember congratulating you over the phone. I remember you inviting me to come. I remember saying yes. I remember crying afterwards, my heart tearing apart…

I can’t bear to watch this anymore. Finally… The vows are over… You kiss him, not me. I’m started to feel torn again, broken, destroyed. These feelings shouldn’t be here anymore. You don’t love me anymore, I seem to have forgotten… The moment is over after what seems like a forever to me. I walked up and stand behind you on the right side, and smile for the picture that I’m sure you’ll hang in the home you’ll share with him.

Once the picture is over, I have no strength left. I’m sorry for leaving without a word, but I couldn’t bear to see you laughing and smiles while your arm was linked with his, not mine. Silently I left, I don’t think you even noticed, which is good I guess. I get into my car and drive off, trying to focus on the road and not on the memories flooding my head.

The night we shared. The kisses we exchanged. All of the “I love you’s”.

I can’t focus on the road, so I don’t see it coming. The truck comes with speed and force, that I barely missed. A loud honk snaps me out of my mournful memories that seem to be consuming me from the inside out. I feel the warm tears stream down my cheeks as I barely reach my rooftop apartment.

Trudging into my room, I stare at the ceiling and I notice that my tears have finally stopped. I think I know why. All the pain has made me numb. I look out my window and see the tempting edge of the building. How nice would it be to just jump off. Angry, I scream and ransack every inch of the enclosed space. Shattering picture frames, destroying and tearing every memory. I see a calendar resting on my bedside drawer and I read the date.

March 20th… It’s labeled “Nayeon’s Wedding.” The tears suddenly return and all the pain is back. Behind my calendar is the only picture that I haven't torn, or destroyed. It’s my favorite picture. Nayeon is kissing my cheek while my face is blushing with a shy smile resting on my face. I start chanting in my head.

Forget you. Forget my pain. Forget us.

I don’t notice until I’m on the edge that I had ever even left my room. I just feel the picture pressed against my chest and I embrace it as if it’s Nayeon herself. The wind pushes against me as if telling me to jump, as if telling that the pain I’ve experienced in enough. I believe the wind. The car zooming below me, I see the pedestrians walking on the street. Then I see a blur.

I know I’ve fallen. I know I let myself go. I know that I’ll die.

But I never hit the ground. I wake up with a jolt in my bed, rolled into a burrito within the covers, but there’s something else, or someone else. I look beside me. Nayeon in all of her endless beauty is just calmly laying there. I have no words. I look around me, and I’m just in my room… Nothing is broken, there is still light shining through my window… It looks nothing like the room that I had left just seconds earlier.

The calendar still sits calmly on my bedside drawer. I read the date.

March 13th… One week before the wedding. One day before my breakup.

Then I see the clock and a letter.

“48 hours. That’s all you get Jungyeon.

• God Jihyo”